Shaun of the Dead 2004 quotes, page 4

Shaun

Mum, look, what would you say if I told you that over the years Philip's been quite unkind to me?

Barbara

Well you weren't always the easiest person to live with

Shaun

Mum, he chased me round the garden with a bit of wood!

Barbara

Well you did call him a you-know-what!

Shaun

Oh, what, did he tell you that?

Barbara

Yes he did.

Shaun

Mother****er!

Barbara

Shaun!

Shaun

Sorry mother--mum, mum, did you know that on several occasions... he touched me?

Shaun

That wasn't true. Made it up, shouldn't have done that, sorry.

Shaun

Phillip, have you still got the child-locks on?

Phillip

Safety first, Shaun.

Shaun

You're the one who's gone from being a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston!

David

I'm not a chartered accountant!

Shaun

Well you look like one!

Ed

YEEEEAH!

David

I'm a lecturer!

Shaun

You're a twat!

Ed

YEEEEAH!

David

She's not your mum anymore! In a minute, she'll be just another zombie!

Shaun

Don't say that!

Ed

We're not using the "zed" word!

Liz

Please can we just calm...the ****...DOWN! [moves the gun in David's hands so it's now pointing to the floor rather than Barbara] [Everyone relaxes from their hostile positions]

Ed

Why didn't you just shoot him?

Shaun

For the last time Ed, it's not...

Ed

I knew it! I **** knew it! I told you, Big Al was right!

Shaun

Okay. But dogs CAN look up!

Last lines of film

Player two has entered the game.

Shaun

Ed! [shows him the remote]

Shaun

Who the hell put this on?!

Ed

It's on random!

Liz

For ****'s sake!

Ed

I think we should go out there.

Shaun

But the man said stay inside!

Ed

Oh, **** the man!

Shaun

Look, so long as they're out there, we're safe. [window breaks as the zombies start to enter the flat]

Ed

Who the hell put this on?

Shaun

It's on random.

Ed

For ****'s sake... John, yes please, mate.

David

Basically, I'd say your nine lives are up, Shaun.

Shaun

Get ****, four eyes! Why don't you go out with her, you love her so much?

David

What do you mean by that?

David

Well, I don't know what he meant by that.

Player 2 has entered the game.

Ed

Haven't you got work?

Player 2 has left the game.

Shaun

DON'T POINT THAT **** GUN AT MY MUM!!!

Liz

Shaun, calm down!

Ed

DON'T POINT THAT GUN AT BARBARA!

Liz

Ed, don’t exacerbate things!

Ed

What does that mean?

Dianne

This isn’t exactly fair!

Ed

Here.

Dianne

Thank you.
[Ed returns with a corkscrew, which he points at David's neck.]

David

You know I'm right, Liz. She's going to come back, and she's going to kill all of us. That's what your ex can't seem to realize!

Shaun

That's what this is about, isn't it? It's just he doesn't like me! He's always hated me, and now he wants to shoot my mum!

David

She's not – !

Shaun

You never thought I was good enough, that I deserved her!

David

What are you talking about?

Shaun

Oh come on! We all know you're in love with Liz!

David

That is not true!

Shaun

Yes it is!

David

That is not true!

Dianne

Yes it is.

David

What?!

Dianne

I know that you only hung around with me in college to be close to Liz, and when she knocked you back I was there to pick up the pieces. I've come to terms with that, Daffs. Why can't you?

David

Lizzy, I want you to know that my feelings for you have always been the same for -

Liz

David, please! We have slightly more pressing matters at hand!

Pete

I'm not saying it was you, Shaun.

Shaun

I know, man...

Pete

I'm saying it was Ed.

Liz

Shaun – d'you see what I'm saying?

Shaun

Yeah, totally.

Liz

I mean, I know he's your best friend, but you do live with him.

Shaun

I know...

Liz

It's not that I don't like Ed. Ed, it's not that I don't like you.

Ed

It's alright.

Shaun

Mum, it's Phillip! He's gone!

Barbara

Where's he gone?

Shaun

Mum! He's dead!

Barbara

No he isn't!
[Shaun turns to Phillip – who has become a zombie] [Everybody except Barbara screams]