Dwayne LaFontant [bracing for impact when the Depelter Turbo activates]
Prepare for a lot of stinging!
More lines from Dwayne LaFontant
1 quote Dwayne LaFontant Scenes with Dwayne LaFontant
8 scenes
Wow!
Boy
Touch it.
Can I poke him?
Debbie
No! These poor little creatures.
Shelbyː What's going on.
Mackenzie
Come check it out. It's a dead possum.
[The animals made their way to the cooler while the humans gathered around.]
Debbie? I don't remember seeing a permit app for a gathering. Groups of more than one who wish to get... AAAH!
Debbie
[to her son]
Timmy, get the shovel from the car.
[Ozzie gasps. RJ motions for Ozzie to do something.]
Lights fading, limbs growing cold. - I see a tunnel.
Mother, is that you beckoning me into the light? Must move toward the light.
Timmy
What do you think he's doing?
Maybe we knocked his brains loose or something.
I'm tellin' you, you went to far this time. Let's get out of here and leave this [picks up the blue cooler] You're dangerous! You're insane?!
Nice catch Verne.
Yes! Yes! Sweet mother, I'm going HOME! [coughs] Goodbye, cruel world!? [notices the flowerpot on the sidewalk] Oh! Ooh! [Whispers] Rosebud. [groans as he spins around, then falls on the ground and passes out]
Now can I poke him?
Debbie
No!
You see? This is exactly why I called the exterminator, to kill them before they get hurt like this.
Everybody, get out of here right now!
Right! Kids, grab those handles. Get the stuff.
What?
Here we go. I threw out my back.
[They carry the cooler but they hit a mailbox, causing the food to be spilled out. Verne looked and saw what appears to be a truck.]
Let's go.
Get down.
[They gather up the food and hide. Vern hides behind the car and watches the truck arrive.]
Oh, no.
Dwayne [Shelby gasps Amazed] [First Words]
Ha! I believe someone phoned about an animal problem? The solution is standing before you. Dwayne LaFontant is here.
Where have you been? I'm throwing a "Welcome to the Neighborhood" party, tomorrow and so far Debbie's car has killed more animals than you have.
Dwayne Stand down, sister. I personally guarantee that there will not be a living thing at this party. The Verminator is on the job.
Dwayne Now, what do we have here? [inhales] Didelphis marsupialis virginianus. Approximately ten pounds. [inhales] Male.
Debbie
I think he's dead.
Dwayne Oh, really? Do you in fact have a associates degree from VermTech? I think he wants you to think he's dead.
Move, move! That's it! Run! Go, voluntary shock state.
Dwayne [RJ look back at Ozzie signals winked back]
Look at him closely. You can see him breathing.
I certainly hope he's not in any pain.
Dwayne [Ozzie leaps up and runs to the hedge.]
What the...?
AAHH! Kill it! Kill it!
Thank you all for coming! You were a great audience!
Boys
Oh, man!
Dwayne All right, what am I up against here? Possum, porcupine, skunk, squirrel, raccoon, amphibian.
Reptile.
Dwayne No. Reptile.
Good night, Uncle RJ.
Good night, kiddo.
Moon's full, RJ. See ya in the morning.
Dwayne [RJ sighs and looked at the children before he pulled out his list. He hears something coming from the backyard.]
This'll cut you down to size!
Dwayne [He looks over to see Dwayne putting traps around the backyard.]
I got ya!
Is it done?
Dwayne Affirmative.
And did you put this one in? [after installed a lot of traps] What about this one, this Depelter Turbo?
Dwayne That's a contraband item, ma'am, as it is illegal in every state, [with his hand over his heart] except Texas.
I don't care if this violates the Geneva Conventions, I want it.
Dwayne I thought you might, so I took the liberty of installing it for you. [as he tosses a stuffed teddy bear in it] Adios, animal infestation.
Oh my. [chuckles, laughing] [RJ sits on the root, looks up at the full moon, pulls out the list, and sadly crumpled it up]
I shouldn't have taken all that food.
What?
I shouldn't have taken all that food. I was just trying to return things to the way they were. That's all. I was just being cautious, 'cause that's what I am. I'm naturally tentative. There's even places in my shell I haven't been. You, on the other hand. You're, like, cool and crazy and fearless. [sits down next to RJ] I think they're right. I think I'm just jealous.
[sighs]
Verne, believe me. You should not be jealous of me. You...You got a good thing here. You're just trying to do what's best for your family.
And I think you're what's best for them now.
What about your tail?
Eh...My head says "listen to my tail," and my tail says "just listen to my head," and I just...end up with an upset stomach. That's why you need to be in charge now.
You don't really know what's going on here.
And you do! So...what's the problem?
[hands Verne his crumpled-up list]
This, Verne, is the problem. You see this? [hears the sound of a vehicle backing up]
I'm listening.
Just...
Uh-huh?
Just hang on a 2nd.
Alright.
Delivery Man
[RJ climbs up a tree to see Gladys having food delivered to her house]
Hey, uh, you the lady throwing the party?
Yes. Just to the right. There are protected booties to put on over your shoes.
What? Oh. That...
Mmm-hmm?
...is a...list...
Of?
...of all the stuff that you've lost, Verne.
Really?
Well, it's a big, long list. You can see that.
Well, you're an organized little guy, aren't ya? Nice job.
But, you know what? I know place that's so chockful of food, [takes the list from Verne] we can get it all back in one night.
Great. Let's go. Where is it?
Inside that house.
Verne! [tries to catch Verne, but only grabs his shell; examines it] What is the point of this thing?
[Scene switches to RJ talking to the other animals about Verne]
What Verne's trying to say is...I mean, it's hard to really sum it all in just one word...
Aww, come here!
[The animals all huddle up for a big group hug]
That's right. OK! Listen, stay in the huddle. Here's the plan. Now, the traps are set here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here. Here, here, here, here. Big one here, here, - and maybe a few over here.
Gee, is that all?
No. There's a bunch of red lights all over here. OK, Verne? Looking a little green.
I blacked out for a second there, but I get the idea. There's lights, traps... I might need to change my shell.
Can I be the car?
I wanna be the car!
I'm the car! You be the shoe.
Shoe is lame.
Lou
Why don't you be that snazzy lookin' iron there?
Hey, it's not important! Besides, I'm the car! I'm always the car. The plan works in three simple steps. Step one, kill the lights. Step two, get inside. Step three, get out with mountain of food.
Ozzie
But this place is like a fortress. Walls, so high. Doors, impenetrable. How will we get in?
The collar is the key. Literally, the collar. It's like a key that opens the door and if...
And what? You think he's just gonna hand over his collar to you?
Not to me, my femme fatale. To you.
Her?
Me?
You, Stella, will get that cat to give you his collar by using...
My stink.
...your feminine charms.
Was that out loud?
Look, raccoon, maybe that mask you're wearing is obstructing your view, but if you haven't noticed, I'm a skunk.
On the outside, maybe. But I'm looking inside, Stella, and I see a fox. And all we gotta do is get her out.
Scissors?
Lou
Here we go.
Hey! Watch the...
Penny
Charcoal.
Charcoal?
Air freshener.
Ozzie
Tomato juice.
Cork.
Cork? Don't you dare.
Porcupine Kids
Get 'em! Score! Yeah!
One more thing.
Ow!
Whoa. Stop. That's it. Ladies and gentlemen, our work here is done.
Lou
Oh, my.
Penny
Big jeepers.
Heather
She's all like, wow.
What?
[Stella looked and saw that she was all black and she can see since her long bangs were cut off.]
Oh. Meow.
Whoa! Amazing!
Heather
Gosh, she looks... Wow.
All right, gang, this is it. We're going in.
Dwayne Not again. Dang it! Those things are so lifelike. Curse you, plastic moldsman.
OK, Hammy. Hammy! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Hammy, I told you that cookie's junk!
But I like a cookie.
What's going on? Is everything OK?
Here we go! Come on, Hammy, come on. Follow the pretty light. There it is, that's it. That's it, that's it. There it is. Go get it. That's it, that's it. Go get it, you little nut! Bingo! OK, step two.
I thought we'd be dead by step two, so this is going great!
Alright, gorgeous, you're on. [pushes Stella out of the bushes]
Audio, go!
[The animals activate a Fisher Price barnyard animal toy. see n say the farmer says. But makes a cow noise]
She's supposed to be a cat. Put it on cat. Maybe the cat likes the cow. Let's hope the cat likes the cow.
Yeah. Right. Shoo. Scurry off! Go on! Get away from here! My owner does not give scraps to common strays.
Common strays? Alright, you asked for it! [gets ready to spray Tiger]
Gee, that's a nice collar you got on. Mind if I have a look?
No, no, no! Come no closer! I must not be so near a creature of the outdoor woods! [sneezes into his arm and wipes it onto his face] Away with your filth!
My filth? [the animals gasp] My filth?!
Oh, jeepers, here we go!
Okay, that's it! I am so sick and tired of everybody taking one look at me and running away because they think I'm filthy! Well, I've got news for you, I didn't get all primped and preened to have some overfed pompous puffball tell me he's too good for me! I got makeup on my butt, dude, and you don't even want to know about the cork!
STOP! No one has ever spoken to me like that! [the animals gasp; Stella startled] It is bold. I like it. [RJ and Verne smile at each other, and Stella is shown surprised]
Well, believe me, there's more where that came from... -...puffball.
All right, team, let's boogie.
You are strong. Your essence is overpowering.
What...? What do you mean by that?
It is your eyes.
My eyes.
They are luminous.
Luminous? Dang.
You know, I think this is the part where I blacked out. Did the little shoes and cars actually get into the house?! [He throwing cat collar]
So you got a name?
Yes. It is a Persian name, for I am Persian. I was born Prince Tigeriess Mahmood Shabaz. [Everyone gets inside the house.]
That's a mouthful. Can I just call you Tiger?
Whoa!
Heather
This place is huge.
Wicked cool.
Animals are in the house.
All
Wow!
Lou
Oh, my goodness.
Heather
This is so cool.
Yes! OK, stations, everybody.
Ozzie
Let's boogie!
Heather
We got it.
Here we go.
No grip, no grip, no grip.
Hammy! Less claw, more pad.
Oh, OK. That hurt.
What was that?
It....That's just for the sound of my heart. Can't you hear it? [She imitates the deep note while Spike kept on being blown away]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
This way, that way! [he and Bucky switches for the channel to Gladys sleeping. Quillo falls over for the THX logo]
Okay, okay, we're good! Go back to work!
Penny
There you go. [Ozzie throws a can to Penny, who throws it to Spike, who throws it to Heather]
Heather
[to Verne]
Here, catch! [Verne catches for the can then throws it to Lou. Lou rolls for the can down a transparent paper roll and then Hammy grabs can by can and puts it into the wagon. Penny jumps off a cupboard with marshmallows stuck on her quills and grabs a cookie box]
Lou
[tries to hold a plate of strawberry gelatin]
Oh, boy. [drops the plate, gasps, Heather catches the plate of gelatin. Hammy still catches the food slide down the transparent sheet]
Yes! We're gonna make it.
[while Hammy catches the food and puts it in the wagon behind him]
My father.... he had an exceptionally flat face. It was so beautiful, he could barely breathe!
Fascinating! [The mountain of food for the wagon grows until morning]
...Inside, I have a multi-leveled climby thing with a shag carpet. Come, I'll show you!
NO, no! I-I-I haven't told you about my life.
Good, good! Going great, going great! [a coffee machine beeps]
That is what gets the humans out of bed for the morning. [he and Verne turn to the TV showing Gladys' bed, where she has vanished, and scream in horror]
Where'd she go?!
[seeing Gladys coming down the stairs]
Get down and stay down! [Bucky, Quillo, and Spike hide under a magazine, while the rest of the animals run behind the counter. Gladys yawns] Move, move! [Gladys pours coffee into a cup. The animals, including RJ, scootch up to look closer. Gladys opens a cabinet and pulls out a box.... with a can of Spuddies behind] C'mon, we've gotta go before she comes back.
What?
Lou, Penny? Back to the TV! Heather, keep an eye on that human!
Heather
I'm on it, RJ. [runs for the staircase]
Ozzie
No, Heather, wait! [runs after her]
[begins to feel his tail tingle again; to himself]
The tingle, the tingle. [to RJ] RJ, the wagon's full! Let's get out of here!
Hang on, Vincent! This will only take a second!
'Vincent'?
Who's Vincent?
Oh. Verne, Vincent, simple slip of the bear...TONGUE! Uh, erm.... Just bear with me is what I.... meant to say. There's no bear!
[RJ climbs the bottle rack to go for the Spuddies. Meanwhile, Heather is trying to distract Gladys by copying Ozzie]
Hmm? Oh!
Heather
Lights fading, limbs growing co.... [Gladys pathetically she kicks Heather down the stairs while Ozzie watches in horror]
Ozzie
Heather? [As Gladys walks down the stairs, she realizes that she made herself sick by killing Heather. She runs back upstairs into her room. Ozzie runs towards what seems to be Heather's lifeless body] Oh, Heather.
[Meanwhile, she's talking to the Verminator on the phone]
There's a dead white rat on my staircase! [Heather's eyes suddenly open. It turned out she was playing dead]
Ozzie
I thought you were dead.
Heather
I learned for the best, Dad.
Ozzie
[proudly]
That's my girl.
[cut to the kitchen in struggles to retrieve Gladys' Spuddies from the cabinet]
Oh, come...to Papa.
Ozzie
[returns to the animals with Heather]
We better hurry. We don't have much time.
Nothing.
Well then, let's get out of here, because we have what we need.
No, we don't.
What are you talking about? [pulls on RJ's tail] We have more than enough!
[snaps]
Hey! Listen, I've got about this long to hand over that wagon load of food to a homicidal bear! [for the other animals gasp at RJ's confession] And if these Spuddies aren't on the menu, then I will be! Now, let go of my tail!
[Pauses; growls, angrily kicks Verne's arm off]
Let GO! [As RJ grabs the Spuddies, Verne and RJ fall down which makes the bottles and pans crash, letting Stella, Tiger and Gladys hear the noise]
Uh, I'm sorry, I've gotta go! [leaves]
Stella?! Stella, where are you going?! STELLAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! [Gladys runs into the kitchen and screams that the animals are inside as RJ and Verne screams and runs away as Stella returns to the kitchen as he follows her] Stella!
Look, it's not you! It won't work, okay? Because I'm a... [Gladys sees her]
Yeah, that. [Gladys screams and runs] Sorry you have to see this. FIRE IN THE HOLE! [Stella sprays an entire house. The Stink explodes like a bomb, and a cork flies out. At the same time, the Verminator van arrives. Gladys coughs]
No. This face was bred for beauty. I can't smell a thing.
You can't smell...
[RJ turns and looks at Verne then runs out through the cat door.]
To the door! Go, go, go, go, go, go! [Gladys blocks the door without noticing the animals.] Run! [Suddenly, Dwayne kicks down the other door while wearing a gas mask. The animals (except RJ who is not here) are shocked.]
Dwayne Let's party! [The animals run away.] BUNNIES!!! [Dwayne accidentally traps Gladys's bunny slippers in a net.]
Aah! [falls over]
Flee, my love! [Dwayne shoots at Stella, but Tiger pushes her out of the way, getting caught in the net.]
[to Stella]
RUN! [to the rest] That way, outside! [As Verne, Hammy, Stella, Ozzie, Heather, Penny, Lou, Bucky, Quillo and Spike try to escape the house by going through the glass door they forgot it was shut and the slam into and slide down it. Dwayne finally has the animals where he has them.]
Dwayne [to Verne]
Buenos dias... reptile. [Dwayne finally catches the animals in with his net gun, then black background.]
Dwayne You've just been verminated. [turns to Gladys] Whoa. You stink.
Dwayne Hey, Nancy, stop you're honkin'! These little guys will be disposed of quickly and humanely.
No, not humanely--as inhumanely as possible!
Dwayne It was a pleasure doing business with you, ma'am. [The caged animals watched RJ leave with the wagon of food, feeling betrayed.]
What's he gonna do to us, Mama?
Penny
I...I don't know, baby.
Heather
[clutches her arms around Ozzie while locked in a cage, about to be driven off for extermination]
I don't wanna die, Dad. Not for real.
Ozzie
There, there, sweetheart. We'll be okay. [Stella, from her cage holds Hammy's hand, who is in his own cage, scared]
Lou
[referring to RJ]
You were right about him, Verne. We should've listened. Sorry there.
No. [sits down] I knew we wouldn't trust him, and I got us into this. I should have known better.
Dwayne [The wagon crashes into the street and landed on the windshield.]
What the...?
There goes my back again.
Are you OK?
You sorry sack of rat dung.
Whoa, Stella, this is a rescue. I'm rescuing you.
I'm gonna gas you so hard your grandchildren'll stink.
What's that?
Bear!
Hair?
Bear!
Dare?
Bear!
[Vincent lunges at the truck, the force causing Dwayne's foot to fall against the gas pedal.]
We're out of control!
We can drive.
It's just like Auto-Homicide 3!
What?
Verne, let me in! Wrong button! Wrong button!
GPS
Please select destination.
Take us home! Take us to the log!
GPS
Previous destination selected. Make a legal U-turn.
We got it!
Hammy! Let me in!
Not listening to RJ.
Kids, lose that bear!
What weapons do we have?
We've got a hammer.
Cool.
You little...
Thank you! Yes, Yes! [The animals end up throwing him out] Hey! Let me in, let me in!
No! Ring-tailed charlatan! [rolls up the window]
Ozzie!
He's just trying to help us. Just let him in!
After what he did to us?
But he came back. [Vincent's roar is heard]
Lou
And he brought a bear!
We will turn this van around, mister. [The animals were shocked and stunned]
Lou
[points at Verne]
He started it.
I'm telling you. He's just trying to help us, really.
But, Verne, you're the one who always says trust your tail.
But it's not tingling.
All
Ohhh!
Why didn't you say so?
Hey! Thank you, thank you.
You're dead, RJ!
Duck!
And your friends are next.
Penny
Look out!
GPS
Make an immediate left turn.
Bonus points!
All
Yeah!
RJ!
Yeah!
Look out.
High score.
No, no, no, no!
GPS
[Glady screams truck horn. Hammy waving hand hello.]
You have arrived.
Everybody all right?
Come on!
We've gotta go, we've gotta go!
Dwayne The old jazz dance injury.
Dwayne You guys wanna party, do you? All right then! Let's Party!
Kids! Penny, Lou, look out! Down! That's it! Verne, get everybody out of here. I'll distract him.
Are you crazy? He'll kill you.
Well, I'm the one he wants. Take care of your family, Verne.
I intend to. The whole family. There's got to be something we can do.
There's no time.
RJ and Verne
Hammy!
[pops out from the top of the hedge]
Hey, Vincent, you were right! [holds up a potato chip] With a Spuddie, enough just isn't enough! [then eats the potato chip]
Ozzie
Now, Hammy. Go, go, go!
[Hammy starts to go crazy as the camera zooms in on his eye, which widens greatly. Cut to the Earth, which slows down and stops spinning completely. Hammy is moving so fast it looks like time itself has stopped. Hammy looks around. Everyone and everything is completely frozen, except for him. He walks past The frozen Dwayne and Gladys before turning on the Depelter Turbo to the highest setting. He then notices the cookie on the roof of Gladys' house. He eats it and dodges the slow moving lasers. He then gets an idea. He places the lawn gnome trap underneath Dwayne's foot. As time slowly resumes, a naked Verne pulls the shell-wearing RJ out of Vincent's mouth. RJ salutes goodbye to Vincent as the bear lands on top of Dwayne and Gladys, setting off the lasers]
That's the--
Dwayne The Depelter Turbo. Prepare for a lot of stinging! Oh, no! No, no! No, no! No! [A powerful beam of light flashes, reaching all the way to space, destroyed a satellite. Cut to the Milky Way Galaxy, where a small, white light is seen glowed brighter than the other stars. The animals roasting marshmallows and pops popcorn as they watched the three villains getting incinerated by the beam of light]
My hair! Ouch!
Dwayne That stung like I knew it would! [The three villains are completely fried, nearly completely bald, and trapped in a cage]
All
Whoo-hoo!
Heather
Yeah!
We did it!
All
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
Good job, everybody. That's teamwork.
Come here, Hammy. Come here. You are a genius, my boy.
Oh, thank [burps] you!
Eegh!
And, Verne, don't you ever fix this shell!
Yeah. Glad it's working for ya. Take it off, give it back.
Ranger
[In the neighborhood, two animal rangers carry Vincent away, relocating him to the Rocky Mountains]
Here we go, off to the Rockies for you, Smokey.
Police Officer
[At the same time, a scorched up Gladys and Dwayne are lead away in handcuffs by the police for possessing the illegal and inhumane Depelter Turbo]
Now, you do realize that was a Depelter Turbo?
[desperate, wanting arrest to go to jail]
Officer, please! It was the Verminator! He sold it to me! This has nothing to do with me!
Police Officer
Hey, hey! It was in your yard. Your name's on the contract, so you can tell it to the judge.
NO! It's not my fault! Let go of me! [She shoves the officer in a panic-filled rage.]
Police Officer
Ma'am.
[last words]
I CAN'T BE ARRESTED! I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE HOMEOWNER'S ASSOCIATION!? [She attacks the police officer in the face. She tries to run but another cop tackles her]
Cop
Take her down! [The other Police Officer gets back up and body-slams her.]
Dwayne She's getting away!
Police Officer
We got a twitcher! Watch it! Ma'am! [Dwayne tries to take advantage of the cop's attention on fighting Gladys.]
Dwayne [to the cops]
Get her! [sneaks away and she karate-kicks one of the officers. They all continue fist fighting as Dwayne walk away in the climbs fence.]
Police Officer
[faintly]
Stop that! Can I get help over here? [as Dwayne climbs over a fence] Somebody get a hold of her legs! [Dwayne then accidentally steps on a squeaky toys off-screen]
Dwayne [last words]
Oh, no. No, no! No, no! NO! [a bite was heard, results him to screams in pain. Cuts in the hedge and animals cheers]
Heather
High five, Hammy!
Yes! It worked! It worked! We did it!
Oh, yes!
Over here, Tiger!
Oh, Stella! Ah, so this is the outdoor woods? I like it.
Come on, big boy. You're coming with me.
You know, RJ, uh, just for the record, if you had told us that all that food you were trying to get was to pay back an angry bear, we would have given it to you.
Really?
Yeah, that's what families do. They look out for each other.
I never really had anything like that.
I know, but believe me, this...This is the gateway to the good life.
Really wish you've told me that sooner.
Well, that's bad communication. Also something families do. So, what do ya say? Wanna be part of it?
Come here, come here. I promised I wouldn't do this. OK.
Ozzie
Welcome to the family!
Hey!
Heather
Group hug!
OK, OK.
What a first week of spring, huh? Wait a minute! That means there's only 267 days left till winter. What are we gonna do for food?!
Yes, Hammy.
I filled the log.
Penny
Jeepers!
Lou
What...?
LOOK, LOOK! I FOUND MY NUTS! [slams into the camera]
