3rd most-quoted character in Over the Hedge (2006): in 22 of its 82 quotes
Most scenes with: Hammy (15), Lou and Penny (15), RJ (14)
Can we just get the food and go? Really, do they have it, or not? [RJ: Didn't you see it? It was in the box.]
Verne Okay, this is great. [eats the bark again, starts chewing and crunching] [mouthful] Granted, it takes some time to chew. But that... [swallows it] That was very satisfying. And, by the way, lots of fiber in there too. Mmm! [eats the bark, chewing] Lots.
Verne You're the devil.
Verne I shouldn't have taken all that food. I was just trying to return things to the way they were, that's all. I was just being cautious. 'Cause that's what I am. I'm naturally tentative. There's even places in my shell I haven't been. You, on the other hand, you're like... cool. And crazy and fearless. I think they're right. I think I'm just jealous.
Verne Just for the record, if you had told us that all that food you were trying to get was to pay back an angry bear (like Vincent), we would have given it to you. [RJ: Really?] Yeah, that's what families do. They look out for each other.
Verne If you needed the food, we would have let you have it. That's what families do.
Wish you'd have told me that sooner.
Verne Yeah, well that's bad communication. Another thing families do.
I'd feel better if I just knew what it was called.
Let's call it Steve!
Verne Steve?
It's a pretty name.
Verne Oh! Oooh! Boy, that's cold! That's cold! The one place I didn't have a shell.
Verne Wow. Spring. That means there's only 274 days left till winter. Everybody, wake up! Hibernation's over.
Verne Morning, Hammy.
I gotta go wee-wee!
Verne Not in the lake we drink from! Let's go, all right, the rest of you. It's spring! That means we gotta get to work.
Finished. [winces] No, wait! [zooms away can to use the bathroom again]
Verne Come on, everybody. Wake up. Don't make me come in there.
Ya'll better listen. I've been holding something in all winter, and I'm about to let it out.
Verne Thank you, Stella.
Oh, I can clear a room, Verne. Come on, that much I can do.
Good morning.
Good morning, everyone!
How'd you guys sleep?
Just a super-duper morning.
Oh, jeepers.
Whoa, not lookin' so good around the eyes there, hon.
Bucky and Quillo were up every three or four weeks. And Spike kept poking me.
Yeah. Well, he's kinda pokey.
Yup, he's the sharpest of the bunch there.
You know what? How 'bout I take the day shift?
Oh, Lou, that'd be just super.
All right, kids, you heard your mother, and now you listen to me. Shape up there.
Verne Oh, boy. This is what I was afraid of.
Where's the food? Is there any left? I'm hungry, so is there any left?
We ate all the food, Hammy. During the winter? So we gotta go get some more now.
Oh, right! I buried some nuts in the woods. I know where they are. I'll be right back. Bye!
Dad, it was just snow.
But it could have been a predator.
Isn't playing dead a little... weak?
Heather, how many times must I say it? Playing possum is what we do. We die so that we live!
Kids, I'm the boss of you, OK? So just calm down.
That's what we need to find you this year, don't you know? A good fella.
A good fella? A good fella?
Oh, Jeepers, here we go.
Why does everyone think I need a man? I look like a nest and smell like a swamp. So when you find a fella who's decent, good with kids, and has no sense of smell, call me.
[As Hammy searched around for his nuts, he gasped and what appears to be a massive shadow]
Verne Hello?
I don't care who started it.
Oh, look, food.
Verne Well, I think you know what this means.
Verne Just a minute, Hammy. [passing one grab to each of them] This means we were nine berries away from starvation. Sorry. That was a little intense. I meant really serious hunger pains.
Verne!
Verne Not finished, Hammy. Morning, Lou, Penny.
Thanks.
Verne Hey, kids. So, what I want to tell you is...
Verne!
Verne I'm not done, Hammy. If you have to go again, just go. OK. So all I'm saying is we cut it a little close. So this year, we need to make sure that we fill the log...
All the way to the top.
Verne Exactly. [meanwhile, RJ is walking by the bushes, seeing them for the first time] All the way to the top. Because what are we?
Foragers!
Verne And what do we forage?
Food!
Verne Right.
Super, Verne, really super.
Verne OK, Hammy. What is it?
What is what?
Verne What is it you want to tell me?
What was it, what was it, what was it, what was it? Wait. Right on the tip of my tongue. Oh, yeah! There's a weird thing over there. I've never seen before. It's really scary. Follow me.
Verne OK. Meeting called on account of weird scary thing. Let's go. [unknown to the family, RJ was watching them behind bushes]
Hmm. Foragers...
Verne Hammy, what weird thing? [seeing what Hammy is pointing at] Oh. That weird thing.
It never ends!
It never ends that way too.
Jeepers, Lou.
Whoa. Yeah, jeepers is the word there, hon.
I've never seen anything like this.
Man, that's big.
What is this thing?
Heather, no!
I'm scared.
Me too, Mama.
It's OK, it's just a... What is this thing, Lou?
I... Well, it's a... It's... Verne?
Verne Well, it's... it's obviously....some kind of bush?
I'd be less afraid of it if I just knew what it was called.
Let's call it Steve!
Verne Steve?
It's a pretty name.
Steve sounds nice.
I'm a lot less scared of Steve.
Oh, great and powerful Steve! What do you want?
Verne I don't think it can speak.
Woman's voice: I heard that, young man!
[It made the animals yelp and Ozzie passes out] Woman's voice: You get over here right now!
OK.
Verne Hammy, get back here.
But Steve is angry!
Verne It probably came from the other side of Steve. I mean the bush. I mean... Jeez! [letting out a sign] Look, there's only one way we're gonna find out what this thing is, and what this is all about. I'm gonna go check it out. [Verne takes a few slow steps, ] Ah!
Ah!
Verne Aye aye yay. [until he tripped and fell into the hedge, frightening the animals]
Steve ate Verne!
All right, Steve, you brought this on yourself.
Verne Stella, don't! I'm not eaten, I just tripped. I'm gonna go over there. Just don't anybody move.
Kids, come on, hurry up! You'll be late!
Verne What is this place?
[looking around, rj sees homes houses neighborhood. He sees a dragonfly flying by]
Verne Oh, hey there, little... ...fella.
Verne Hi.
Verne Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Operator. Can I help you?
Verne's back.
Verne!
Jeepers!
You OK?
Help him up.
What was over there?
Verne Freaky pink primates! They must have come while we were hibernating. It was awful. They had wheels on their feets...[RJ hops onto a tree, listening to their conversation] ...and there sticks, and they were whacking me with sticks like it was some sort of sick game.
You should have died! You should have laid down and died!
Dad.
Verne That's not the worst part. Half the forest is gone. The oak trees and the berry bushes, they're just... they're just... gone.
Jeepers.
What'll we do for food?
How are we gonna live? [Vernes looks at his family]
Verne I don't know. But here's what I do know. We will be fine as long as no one goes over Steve again.
It's called a hedge. [the animals all look up at him with a ray of light shining on him; introducing himself] And it is not to be feared, my amphibious friend. It is the gateway to the good life.
Verne I'm a reptile, actually. But, you know, it's a common mistake. And, uh, you are?
Where are my manners. [walks off the tree branch] I'm RJ. [the branch smacks on Verne's face] Now please don't think I'm prying, but I couldn't help overhearing, [throwing out items from his bag while looking through] and I can shed a little light on what this whole hedge situation is about. [takes out a map] You see, what was once mere wilderness is now 54 acres of man-made, manicured, air-conditioned paradise. Except for that little-bitty speck. [takes out a magnifying glass, showing a red circle surrounding their location] You are here. [the animals gasp in shock] No, no, that's a good thing. You're hibernators, right? You gather up a bunch of food, store it away for the winter?
Uh-huh. We fill the log!
Verne Hammy!
Really? This log? This cave-like log?
All the way to the top.
Verne Ozzie!
Let me ask ya, how long's it takes, you know, to fill the log?
274 Days.
Ooh! Ever done it in a week?
Verne That's impossible.
Not if we work together. You see, you got the food-gathering skills, I got the know-how, and they have the food.
How much food?
Loads of food! Heaps of food! Food out the wazoo!
Verne Well, whatever kind of food comes out of a wazoo, I don't think we're interested in eating it.
I don't know, the guy's making a lot of sense to me. I think we should listen.
Yeah, I'm OK with wazoo food here.
Verne No, you're not. The tail is tingling.
Verne When something doesn't feel right, my tail tingles, and let me tell you something, everything you've said so far is driving my tail crazy.
Listen. Verne, right? This isn't something you need to be afraid of.
Verne Well, I am. And for good reason. This is not a birthmark.
Aw, that's because you went over there without a guide, Verne.
Verne Whatever. Thanks for stopping by. We're not interested.
Not interested in the most delicious food you've ever tasted?
Verne No!
Come on.
Verne Not! Interested!
OK. I get it. I understand. This is something that you're just not open to.
Jeepers.
What is THAAAT!?
That, my friend, is a magical combination of corn flour, dehydrated cheese solids, BHA, BHT, and good old MSG, a.k.a., the chip. Nacho cheese flavor.
More please! More.
Yeah, Verne, those were good!
It's all good! And we're going over there, tonight! Yeah!
Wow! Look at that!
Hey, Mom, look at us! Look at us!
Oh, my! Hon, look at this.
Jeepers.
How's that tail, Verne?
Verne Listen, if anybody in this family gets hurt, I'm holding you personally responsible.
They're having a good time. I'll take responsibility for that.
This is neat. Look at that. Hey, Spike, look at that.
Hey, Verno, I took a few clippings out of my quills to do a little comparison. Look at this, the grass seems to be greener over here.
Verne, are you certain you came to the same place?
Yeah, 'cause the raccoon says...
Verne OK, enough about him. I get it. So he can do a couple of tricks. I mean, it's not like he can walk on water.
What is that?
That is an SUV. Humans ride around in it because they are slowly losing their ability to walk.
Jeepers, it's so big!
How many humans fit in there?
Usually? One.
Hi, this is Gladys Sharp. Your president? Of the homeowner's association? Right.
Jeepers.
What is that?
Easy, easy, don't worry. That's just a human being. And they are just as scared of us as we are of them. Now, if a human does happen to see you, just lay down, roll over and give your privates a good licking. They love it.
The homeowner's charter, which you signed, says the grass is supposed to be two inches, and according to my measuring stick, yours is 2.5.
Verne Could we just get the food and go? Really, do they have it or not?
Didn't you see it? It was in the box. They've always got food with them. We eat to live, these guys live to eat! Let me show you what I'm talking about.
The human mouth is called a "pie hole." The human being is called a "couch potato.” [A phone] That is a device to summon food. [A doorbell] That is one of the many voices of food. [The door] That is the portal for the passing of the food. [A moped] That is one of the many food transportation vehicles. [food trucks] Humans bring the food, take the food, ship the food, they drive the food, they wear the food! That gets the food hot. That keeps the food cold. That... I'm not sure what that is. What do you know? Food! That is the altar where they worship food. That's what they eat when they eat too much food. That gets rid of guilt so they can eat more food. Food, food, food, food! FOOOOOD!!! So, you think they have enough? Well, they don't. For humans, enough is NEVER enough! And what do they do with the stuff they don't eat? They put it in gleaming, silver cans, just for us.
Sweet jeepers.
Wow.
Share there, everyone, share.
Uh, that's a baby diaper. And that does come out of a wazoo. So, what do you think? Was I right or was I right? And these things are just the scraps! Wait'll you see what comes in the boxes, packages and cans! I'm telling you, stick with me, and in one week we will gather enough food to... To feed a bear!
Halt! Intruders! Intruders! Get out, all of you.
Well, you said to lick our...
No! Nix that! RUN!
Run!
Get outta here! Shoo!
Verne To the hedge!
Get out of here! I just mopped this patio! Filthy vermin!
Verne's right, that was horrible.
You kids okay? Hon, you alright there?
We'll find other food, right?
Verne See what I mean? That's what I was talking about! These humans don't want us around!
So we scared her, and she overreacted. No biggie.
Verne No biggie? OH! That is what we call a biggie.
Come on, think about the food. It was worth it for that food, huh? That stuff is to die for! [Ozzie faints] Let me rephrase that.
Verne No, "to die for." You nailed that part. Look, maybe our little forest life looks primitive to a guy with a bag.
What?
Verne But I think I speak for the whole family when I say we want NOTHING to do with ANYTHING THAT’S OVER THAT HEDGE!
Oh, come on!
I'm done.
You haven't even tried doughnuts yet! You wanna store fat? That is the way to store some fat. You'll be sweatin' through the winter! -
We'll eat the bark, right?
OK, all right, you guys sleep on it! Good idea. I'm gonna check back with you. Shoot! Almost had 'em.
Verne Good night, Heather.
Good night.
Verne Good night, Ozzie.
Good night.
Verne Good night, Lou.
Good night there Verne.
Verne Night, Penny.
Good night.
Verne Good night, Hammy.
Good night Verne.
Verne Night, Bucky.
Good night.
Verne Good night, Spike.
Good night, Uncle Verne.
Verne Good night, Quillo.
Night, Uncle Verne.
Verne When we wake up, only 273 days left till winter.
That's enough, Verne.
Verne Good night, 273.
Spuddies... Cooler... Wagon... Redder wagon.
Time's up, RJ.
But I have six more days!
That's right. Don't push. Plenty for everybody. Got a box right over here for ya, Penny.
Jeepers, that is good. Kids, eat up! Anything that tastes this good has to be good for you.
You feel that buzz in the back of your skull?
Yeah.
That's called a sugar rush. It's what keeps humans going. It's why they don't hibernate. You top that off with a little of this, and what usually takes you all summer is only gonna take us a week.
Hold on, Hamsquad. The last thing you need is caffeine. That's right. Come on, dig in. Because this, my friends, is just the beginning.
Verne What?
Read it and weep.
Hello? I need every business listing you have under "exterminator."
Verne Ozzie!
Whoa, Mom! You hit a possum.
Oh, my goodness.
Do you think it's dead?
Verne Oh, no.
Wow!
Touch it.
Can I poke him?
No! These poor little creatures.
Shelbyː What's going on.
Come check it out. It's a dead possum.
Debbie? I don't remember seeing a permit app for a gathering. Groups of more than one who wish to get... AAAH!
Timmy, get the shovel from the car.
Lights fading, limbs growing cold. - I see a tunnel.
Verne Oh, no.
Mother, is that you beckoning me into the light? Must move toward the light.
What do you think he's doing?
Maybe we knocked his brains loose or something.
Verne I'm tellin' you, you went to far this time. Let's get out of here and leave this [picks up the blue cooler] You're dangerous! You're insane?!
Nice catch Verne.
Yes! Yes! Sweet mother, I'm going HOME! [coughs] Goodbye, cruel world!? [notices the flowerpot on the sidewalk] Oh! Ooh! [Whispers] Rosebud. [groans as he spins around, then falls on the ground and passes out]
Now can I poke him?
No!
You see? This is exactly why I called the exterminator, to kill them before they get hurt like this.
Verne Everybody, get out of here right now!
Right! Kids, grab those handles. Get the stuff.
Verne What?
Here we go. I threw out my back.
Let's go.
Get down.
Verne Oh, no.
Ha! I believe someone phoned about an animal problem? The solution is standing before you. Dwayne LaFontant is here.
Where have you been? I'm throwing a "Welcome to the Neighborhood" party, tomorrow and so far Debbie's car has killed more animals than you have.
Stand down, sister. I personally guarantee that there will not be a living thing at this party. The Verminator is on the job.
Verne Leave it. Leave it!
Now, what do we have here? [inhales] Didelphis marsupialis virginianus. Approximately ten pounds. [inhales] Male.
I think he's dead.
Oh, really? Do you in fact have a associates degree from VermTech? I think he wants you to think he's dead.
Move, move! That's it! Run! Go, voluntary shock state.
I certainly hope he's not in any pain.
AAHH! Kill it! Kill it!
Thank you all for coming! You were a great audience!
Oh, man!
All right, what am I up against here? Possum, porcupine, skunk, squirrel, raccoon, amphibian.
Verne Reptile.
No. Reptile.
Verne. What are you doing?
Verne I'm getting things back to the way they were.
No, don't. How about I just leave? [picks up the Spuddies and placed it back on the pile]
Verne Good. You leave, and I return this stuff to the rightful owners.
What?! Why?
Verne Because we've angered the humans. And we don't wanna end up like that rabbit. Hence, I'm giving this back so they won't kill us.
Verne, you don't understand! We need this stuff!
Verne No, we don't!
You can't take it!
Verne Yes, I can!
Let go!
Verne You let go!
I have to have it.
Verne No!
Verne. Move slow, keep your voice low and follow me.
Verne What?
SSShhhhh!
Verne No!
SSShhhhh!
Verne No! I'm not falling for any more of your smooth talk! I don't know what you're up to, but my entire shell is tingling. Know what? I'm listening to it this time, and I'm putting my foot down.
No, no. [A dog named Nugent]
Play? [Squeaky Toys]
Verne ???
Play! Play, play, play! Play, play, play, play, play! Play!
Let's play!
Play? [camera perspective changes] Play! Play! Play!
Down, boy. Sit. Roll over!
Play!
Play dead!
Play!
Attaboy, Verne. Save the food, I'll lose the dog.
Play.
Verne Huh?!
Play, play, play, play. Play, play, play, play.
Verne Oh, no! No, no, no, no.
You're dropping all the food, man! Here, catch.
Play!
Are you hungry? Look, food! [The dog went around the man cooking hot dogs, the gas tank got attached to the wagon.]
Oh, my back!
Look, people! Play with them!
Look out!
Stop! What's he doing?
What was that?
Play, play, play, play.
Verne I'm all right, I'm fine. It's okay. It's... [The tank gets released, making the wagon go faster.]
Verne, unhook the chain! [The take is off chain on the dog got released.]
Play!
No! [He catches chips] Yes. [The wagon went straight up the slide and into the air]
Verne Oh!
Dah!
Verne Oh, boy.
WHOA! [the wagon had stopped flying and then started to fall. While that happens, the chips went flying out of the can] Verne, I told you to unhook the chain!m[The wagon begins falling. Verne leaps onto an umbrella and so did RJ with the can of chips. He drop it.]
Garbage cans are not to be on the curb before eight... [The wagon and cooler fell into her car, and it exploded.]
Verne You're the devil.
AAAAAHHHHH!!!' [They fall into ack to the forest where the other animals wonder where Verne and RJ are before they backed away. RJ and Verne land on the ground but the food is all gone.]
Verne, are you alright there!? Gimme a hand, Oz.
Oh, sure, sure.
What the heck happened?
It's gone. The food! GOOOOOOOONE!
What?
Gone?
How's it gone?
Ask... HIM! [angrily points at Verne]
Verne?
Verne I returned it to its rightful owners.
WHAT?! [they drop Verne]
We, like, worked our tails off, y'know? Like a lot! And the food we gathered was totally...you know! And you're...you're all whatever!
Yeah, Verne, What were you thinking?! The log was full!
Verne Full of junk. [Ozzie is appalled as are the others]
Oh, so what're ya saying there? That the food we gathered our way isn't as good as the food we gathered your way? [he and Ozzie walk away]
Verne Your way? [referring to RJ] You mean his way. Can't you see RJ's just using you?
Verne! Shame on you, RJ wouldn't do that!
Verne You've gotta trust me on this! Don't you understand that there is something wrong with this guy? My tail tingles every time I get near him!
Oh, so we're supposed to go all hungry 'cause your butt's vibratin'? I'm startin' to think that tingle of yours is just you bein' jealous!
Verne Jealous? Of him?!
Yeah! He's embracing the future there, and now you're just holding us back!
Verne Oh, I hold you back, alright! From extinction! [to RJ] You see what you've done here? If they listened to half of the stuff that you're telling them, they'll be dead within a week! You are only interested in taking advantage of them because they are too stupid and naive to know any better!?
Verne Okay, I didn't mean, um...I mean ignorant. To the ways over-over there. C'mon, you guys. You know I didn't mean it like that. [the animals start to walk away] Don't-Don't do this. Stella? Ozzie? [turns to Hammy] Hammy, you know I didn't... [Hammy pushes his hand away] Hammy?
I'm not stupid. [walks away]
Verne Please. [Hammy takes RJ's hand and RJ shakes his head at Verne. as Verne witnessed that, he sighs with grief and sadly begins to walk the other direction]
Good night, Uncle RJ.
Good night, kiddo.
Moon's full, RJ. See ya in the morning.
This'll cut you down to size!
Is it done?
Affirmative.
And did you put this one in? [after installed a lot of traps] What about this one, this Depelter Turbo?
That's a contraband item, ma'am, as it is illegal in every state, [with his hand over his heart] except Texas.
I don't care if this violates the Geneva Conventions, I want it.
I thought you might, so I took the liberty of installing it for you. [as he tosses a stuffed teddy bear in it] Adios, animal infestation.
Oh my. [chuckles, laughing] [RJ sits on the root, looks up at the full moon, pulls out the list, and sadly crumpled it up]
Verne I shouldn't have taken all that food.
What?
Verne I shouldn't have taken all that food. I was just trying to return things to the way they were. That's all. I was just being cautious, 'cause that's what I am. I'm naturally tentative. There's even places in my shell I haven't been. You, on the other hand. You're, like, cool and crazy and fearless. [sits down next to RJ] I think they're right. I think I'm just jealous.
Verne, believe me. You should not be jealous of me. You...You got a good thing here. You're just trying to do what's best for your family.
Verne And I think you're what's best for them now.
What about your tail?
Verne Eh...My head says "listen to my tail," and my tail says "just listen to my head," and I just...end up with an upset stomach. That's why you need to be in charge now.
You don't really know what's going on here.
Verne And you do! So...what's the problem?
This, Verne, is the problem. You see this? [hears the sound of a vehicle backing up]
Verne I'm listening.
Just...
Verne Uh-huh?
Just hang on a 2nd.
Verne Alright.
Hey, uh, you the lady throwing the party?
Yes. Just to the right. There are protected booties to put on over your shoes.
Verne Um, uh, what is this?
What? Oh. That...
Verne Mmm-hmm?
...is a...list...
Verne Of?
...of all the stuff that you've lost, Verne.
Verne Really?
Well, it's a big, long list. You can see that.
Verne Well, you're an organized little guy, aren't ya? Nice job.
But, you know what? I know place that's so chockful of food, [takes the list from Verne] we can get it all back in one night.
Verne Great. Let's go. Where is it?
Inside that house.
Verne What? [falls off the branch]
Verne! [tries to catch Verne, but only grabs his shell; examines it] What is the point of this thing?
Verne Just send it down.
What Verne's trying to say is...I mean, it's hard to really sum it all in just one word...
Verne I'm sorry.
Aww, come here!
That's right. OK! Listen, stay in the huddle. Here's the plan. Now, the traps are set here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here. Here, here, here, here. Big one here, here, - and maybe a few over here.
Gee, is that all?
No. There's a bunch of red lights all over here. OK, Verne? Looking a little green.
Verne I blacked out for a second there, but I get the idea. There's lights, traps... I might need to change my shell.
Can I be the car?
I wanna be the car!
I'm the car! You be the shoe.
Shoe is lame.
Why don't you be that snazzy lookin' iron there?
Hey, it's not important! Besides, I'm the car! I'm always the car. The plan works in three simple steps. Step one, kill the lights. Step two, get inside. Step three, get out with mountain of food.
But this place is like a fortress. Walls, so high. Doors, impenetrable. How will we get in?
The collar is the key. Literally, the collar. It's like a key that opens the door and if...
And what? You think he's just gonna hand over his collar to you?
Not to me, my femme fatale. To you.
Verne Her?
Me?
You, Stella, will get that cat to give you his collar by using...
My stink.
...your feminine charms.
Was that out loud?
Look, raccoon, maybe that mask you're wearing is obstructing your view, but if you haven't noticed, I'm a skunk.
On the outside, maybe. But I'm looking inside, Stella, and I see a fox. And all we gotta do is get her out.
Scissors?
Here we go.
Hey! Watch the...
Charcoal.
Charcoal?
Air freshener.
Tomato juice.
Verne Cork.
Cork? Don't you dare.
Get 'em! Score! Yeah!
One more thing.
Ow!
Whoa. Stop. That's it. Ladies and gentlemen, our work here is done.
Oh, my.
Big jeepers.
She's all like, wow.
What?
Oh. Meow.
Whoa! Amazing!
Gosh, she looks... Wow.
All right, gang, this is it. We're going in.
Not again. Dang it! Those things are so lifelike. Curse you, plastic moldsman.
OK, Hammy. Hammy! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Hammy, I told you that cookie's junk!
But I like a cookie.
Verne What's going on? Is everything OK?
Here we go! Come on, Hammy, come on. Follow the pretty light. There it is, that's it. That's it, that's it. There it is. Go get it. That's it, that's it. Go get it, you little nut! Bingo! OK, step two.
Verne I thought we'd be dead by step two, so this is going great!
Alright, gorgeous, you're on. [pushes Stella out of the bushes]
Audio, go!
Verne She's supposed to be a cat. Put it on cat. Maybe the cat likes the cow. Let's hope the cat likes the cow.
Yeah. Right. Shoo. Scurry off! Go on! Get away from here! My owner does not give scraps to common strays.
Common strays? Alright, you asked for it! [gets ready to spray Tiger]
Gee, that's a nice collar you got on. Mind if I have a look?
No, no, no! Come no closer! I must not be so near a creature of the outdoor woods! [sneezes into his arm and wipes it onto his face] Away with your filth!
My filth? [the animals gasp] My filth?!
Oh, jeepers, here we go!
Okay, that's it! I am so sick and tired of everybody taking one look at me and running away because they think I'm filthy! Well, I've got news for you, I didn't get all primped and preened to have some overfed pompous puffball tell me he's too good for me! I got makeup on my butt, dude, and you don't even want to know about the cork!
STOP! No one has ever spoken to me like that! [the animals gasp; Stella startled] It is bold. I like it. [RJ and Verne smile at each other, and Stella is shown surprised]
Well, believe me, there's more where that came from... -...puffball.
All right, team, let's boogie.
You are strong. Your essence is overpowering.
What...? What do you mean by that?
It is your eyes.
My eyes.
They are luminous.
Luminous? Dang.
Verne You know, I think this is the part where I blacked out. Did the little shoes and cars actually get into the house?! [He throwing cat collar]
So you got a name?
Yes. It is a Persian name, for I am Persian. I was born Prince Tigeriess Mahmood Shabaz. [Everyone gets inside the house.]
That's a mouthful. Can I just call you Tiger?
Whoa!
This place is huge.
Wicked cool.
Animals are in the house.
Wow!
Oh, my goodness.
This is so cool.
Yes! OK, stations, everybody.
Let's boogie!
We got it.
Here we go.
No grip, no grip, no grip.
Hammy! Less claw, more pad.
Oh, OK. That hurt.
What was that?
It....That's just for the sound of my heart. Can't you hear it? [She imitates the deep note while Spike kept on being blown away]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
This way, that way! [he and Bucky switches for the channel to Gladys sleeping. Quillo falls over for the THX logo]
Okay, okay, we're good! Go back to work!
There you go. [Ozzie throws a can to Penny, who throws it to Spike, who throws it to Heather]
Here, catch! [Verne catches for the can then throws it to Lou. Lou rolls for the can down a transparent paper roll and then Hammy grabs can by can and puts it into the wagon. Penny jumps off a cupboard with marshmallows stuck on her quills and grabs a cookie box]
Oh, boy. [drops the plate, gasps, Heather catches the plate of gelatin. Hammy still catches the food slide down the transparent sheet]
Yes! We're gonna make it.
My father.... he had an exceptionally flat face. It was so beautiful, he could barely breathe!
Fascinating! [The mountain of food for the wagon grows until morning]
...Inside, I have a multi-leveled climby thing with a shag carpet. Come, I'll show you!
NO, no! I-I-I haven't told you about my life.
Good, good! Going great, going great! [a coffee machine beeps]
Verne What is that?
That is what gets the humans out of bed for the morning. [he and Verne turn to the TV showing Gladys' bed, where she has vanished, and scream in horror]
Where'd she go?!
Verne Get down and stay down! [Bucky, Quillo, and Spike hide under a magazine, while the rest of the animals run behind the counter. Gladys yawns] Move, move! [Gladys pours coffee into a cup. The animals, including RJ, scootch up to look closer. Gladys opens a cabinet and pulls out a box.... with a can of Spuddies behind] C'mon, we've gotta go before she comes back.
Verne What?
Lou, Penny? Back to the TV! Heather, keep an eye on that human!
I'm on it, RJ. [runs for the staircase]
No, Heather, wait! [runs after her]
Verne The tingle, the tingle. [to RJ] RJ, the wagon's full! Let's get out of here!
Hang on, Vincent! This will only take a second!
Verne 'Vincent'?
Verne Who's Vincent?
Oh. Verne, Vincent, simple slip of the bear...TONGUE! Uh, erm.... Just bear with me is what I.... meant to say. There's no bear!
Hmm? Oh!
Lights fading, limbs growing co.... [Gladys pathetically she kicks Heather down the stairs while Ozzie watches in horror]
Heather? [As Gladys walks down the stairs, she realizes that she made herself sick by killing Heather. She runs back upstairs into her room. Ozzie runs towards what seems to be Heather's lifeless body] Oh, Heather.
There's a dead white rat on my staircase! [Heather's eyes suddenly open. It turned out she was playing dead]
I thought you were dead.
I learned for the best, Dad.
That's my girl.
Oh, come...to Papa.
We better hurry. We don't have much time.
Verne What's going on, RJ?
Nothing.
Verne Well then, let's get out of here, because we have what we need.
No, we don't.
Verne What are you talking about? [pulls on RJ's tail] We have more than enough!
Hey! Listen, I've got about this long to hand over that wagon load of food to a homicidal bear! [for the other animals gasp at RJ's confession] And if these Spuddies aren't on the menu, then I will be! Now, let go of my tail!
Verne What?
Let GO! [As RJ grabs the Spuddies, Verne and RJ fall down which makes the bottles and pans crash, letting Stella, Tiger and Gladys hear the noise]
Uh, I'm sorry, I've gotta go! [leaves]
Stella?! Stella, where are you going?! STELLAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! [Gladys runs into the kitchen and screams that the animals are inside as RJ and Verne screams and runs away as Stella returns to the kitchen as he follows her] Stella!
Look, it's not you! It won't work, okay? Because I'm a... [Gladys sees her]
Yeah, that. [Gladys screams and runs] Sorry you have to see this. FIRE IN THE HOLE! [Stella sprays an entire house. The Stink explodes like a bomb, and a cork flies out. At the same time, the Verminator van arrives. Gladys coughs]
No. This face was bred for beauty. I can't smell a thing.
You can't smell...
Verne To the door! Go, go, go, go, go, go! [Gladys blocks the door without noticing the animals.] Run! [Suddenly, Dwayne kicks down the other door while wearing a gas mask. The animals (except RJ who is not here) are shocked.]
Let's party! [The animals run away.] BUNNIES!!! [Dwayne accidentally traps Gladys's bunny slippers in a net.]
Aah! [falls over]
Flee, my love! [Dwayne shoots at Stella, but Tiger pushes her out of the way, getting caught in the net.]
Verne RUN! [to the rest] That way, outside! [As Verne, Hammy, Stella, Ozzie, Heather, Penny, Lou, Bucky, Quillo and Spike try to escape the house by going through the glass door they forgot it was shut and the slam into and slide down it. Dwayne finally has the animals where he has them.]
Buenos dias... reptile. [Dwayne finally catches the animals in with his net gun, then black background.]
You've just been verminated. [turns to Gladys] Whoa. You stink.
Hey, Nancy, stop you're honkin'! These little guys will be disposed of quickly and humanely.
No, not humanely--as inhumanely as possible!
It was a pleasure doing business with you, ma'am. [The caged animals watched RJ leave with the wagon of food, feeling betrayed.]
What's he gonna do to us, Mama?
I...I don't know, baby.
I don't wanna die, Dad. Not for real.
There, there, sweetheart. We'll be okay. [Stella, from her cage holds Hammy's hand, who is in his own cage, scared]
You were right about him, Verne. We should've listened. Sorry there.
Verne No. [sits down] I knew we wouldn't trust him, and I got us into this. I should have known better.
There goes my back again.
Are you OK?
You sorry sack of rat dung.
Whoa, Stella, this is a rescue. I'm rescuing you.
I'm gonna gas you so hard your grandchildren'll stink.
Verne Bear!
What's that?
Verne Bear!
Hair?
Verne Bear!
Dare?
Verne Bear!
Verne We're out of control!
We can drive.
It's just like Auto-Homicide 3!
Verne What?
Verne, let me in! Wrong button! Wrong button!
Please select destination.
Take us home! Take us to the log!
Previous destination selected. Make a legal U-turn.
We got it!
Hammy! Let me in!
Not listening to RJ.
Verne Kids, lose that bear!
What weapons do we have?
We've got a hammer.
Cool.
You little...
Thank you! Yes, Yes! [The animals end up throwing him out] Hey! Let me in, let me in!
No! Ring-tailed charlatan! [rolls up the window]
Ozzie!
Verne He's just trying to help us. Just let him in!
After what he did to us?
Verne But he came back. [Vincent's roar is heard]
And he brought a bear!
We will turn this van around, mister. [The animals were shocked and stunned]
He started it.
Verne I'm telling you. He's just trying to help us, really.
But, Verne, you're the one who always says trust your tail.
Verne But it's not tingling.
Ohhh!
Why didn't you say so?
Hey! Thank you, thank you.
You're dead, RJ!
Duck!
And your friends are next.
Look out!
Make an immediate left turn.
Bonus points!
Yeah!
RJ!
Yeah!
Look out.
High score.
Verne No, no, no, no!
You have arrived.
Everybody all right?
Come on!
We've gotta go, we've gotta go!
The old jazz dance injury.
You guys wanna party, do you? All right then! Let's Party!
Kids! Penny, Lou, look out! Down! That's it! Verne, get everybody out of here. I'll distract him.
Verne Are you crazy? He'll kill you.
Well, I'm the one he wants. Take care of your family, Verne.
Verne I intend to. The whole family. There's got to be something we can do.
There's no time.
Hammy!
Hey, Vincent, you were right! [holds up a potato chip] With a Spuddie, enough just isn't enough! [then eats the potato chip]
Now, Hammy. Go, go, go!
[Hammy starts to go crazy as the camera zooms in on his eye, which widens greatly. Cut to the Earth, which slows down and stops spinning completely. Hammy is moving so fast it looks like time itself has stopped. Hammy looks around. Everyone and everything is completely frozen, except for him. He walks past The frozen Dwayne and Gladys before turning on the Depelter Turbo to the highest setting. He then notices the cookie on the roof of Gladys' house. He eats it and dodges the slow moving lasers. He then gets an idea. He places the lawn gnome trap underneath Dwayne's foot. As time slowly resumes, a naked Verne pulls the shell-wearing RJ out of Vincent's mouth. RJ salutes goodbye to Vincent as the bear lands on top of Dwayne and Gladys, setting off the lasers]
That's the--
The Depelter Turbo. Prepare for a lot of stinging! Oh, no! No, no! No, no! No! [A powerful beam of light flashes, reaching all the way to space, destroyed a satellite. Cut to the Milky Way Galaxy, where a small, white light is seen glowed brighter than the other stars. The animals roasting marshmallows and pops popcorn as they watched the three villains getting incinerated by the beam of light]
My hair! Ouch!
That stung like I knew it would! [The three villains are completely fried, nearly completely bald, and trapped in a cage]
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah!
We did it!
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
Good job, everybody. That's teamwork.
Come here, Hammy. Come here. You are a genius, my boy.
Oh, thank [burps] you!
Verne Eegh!
And, Verne, don't you ever fix this shell!
Verne Yeah. Glad it's working for ya. Take it off, give it back.
Here we go, off to the Rockies for you, Smokey.
Now, you do realize that was a Depelter Turbo?
Officer, please! It was the Verminator! He sold it to me! This has nothing to do with me!
Hey, hey! It was in your yard. Your name's on the contract, so you can tell it to the judge.
NO! It's not my fault! Let go of me! [She shoves the officer in a panic-filled rage.]
Ma'am.
I CAN'T BE ARRESTED! I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE HOMEOWNER'S ASSOCIATION!? [She attacks the police officer in the face. She tries to run but another cop tackles her]
Take her down! [The other Police Officer gets back up and body-slams her.]
She's getting away!
We got a twitcher! Watch it! Ma'am! [Dwayne tries to take advantage of the cop's attention on fighting Gladys.]
Get her! [sneaks away and she karate-kicks one of the officers. They all continue fist fighting as Dwayne walk away in the climbs fence.]
Stop that! Can I get help over here? [as Dwayne climbs over a fence] Somebody get a hold of her legs! [Dwayne then accidentally steps on a squeaky toys off-screen]
Oh, no. No, no! No, no! NO! [a bite was heard, results him to screams in pain. Cuts in the hedge and animals cheers]
High five, Hammy!
Yes! It worked! It worked! We did it!
Oh, yes!
Over here, Tiger!
Oh, Stella! Ah, so this is the outdoor woods? I like it.
Come on, big boy. You're coming with me.
Verne You know, RJ, uh, just for the record, if you had told us that all that food you were trying to get was to pay back an angry bear, we would have given it to you.
Really?
Verne Yeah, that's what families do. They look out for each other.
I never really had anything like that.
Verne I know, but believe me, this...This is the gateway to the good life.
Really wish you've told me that sooner.
Verne Well, that's bad communication. Also something families do. So, what do ya say? Wanna be part of it?
Come here, come here. I promised I wouldn't do this. OK.
Welcome to the family!
Hey!
Group hug!
OK, OK.
Verne What a first week of spring, huh? Wait a minute! That means there's only 267 days left till winter. What are we gonna do for food?!
Yes, Hammy.
I filled the log.
Jeepers!
What...?
LOOK, LOOK! I FOUND MY NUTS! [slams into the camera]
That, my friends, is the object of all human attention and devotion, and they call it...a TV.
Wicked cool!
You see, humans feel an inner need to connect with the world around them.
That is just super-duper.
They also feel a need to sit on their fat butts, watching TV fulfills both needs at the same time.
Wow. Interesting.
Come on, kids! Family time there, in front of the TV! Got your snack food?
Buy a vowel! BUY A VOWEL! Buy a "Y", Please buy a "Y"!
I can't find the remote.
Hey, Spikey! Race ya!
Has anybody seen the remote?
Dad, chill.
I could do a little TV. I think today's the day we find out if the baby is gifted or if Saxon is really an alien.
Just Like Khan in Star Trek 2! The Genesis Project was in the hands of the Enterprise, but Khan had his plan to steal the invention and redo all the life!
Verne Well, that was specific.
I saw it on TNT, a retrospective.
Gummy Worm, anybody?
Let me have one.
Bucky, pass this to Lou.
Taste this.
Don't you take that.
Verne This is the perfect food.
Fat-free cookies? You might as well just be eating dirt.
I've had dirt, I don't like dirt, it tastes like dirt!
Shh! The Show is starting!
[The last part of "Rocking the Suburbs" by Ben Folds continues on the credits]
RJ
Bruce Willis
Hammy
Steve Carell
Lou and Penny
Ozzie and Heather
Stella
Wanda Sykes
Gladys Sharp
Allison Janney
Vincent
Nick Nolte
Dwayne LaFontant
Thomas Haden Church
Spike
Shane Baumel
Bucky
Sami Kirkpatrick
Quillo
Madison Davenport
Tiger
Omid Djalili
Animals
Nugent
Brian Stepanek
Skeeter
Paul Butcher
Woman
