Lou and Penny
Shape up there. [Quillo, Spike, & Bucky tackles him]
More lines from Lou and Penny
1 quoteScenes with Lou and Penny
18 scenesCan I be the car?!
I wanna be the car!
No, I'm the car! You be the shoe!
The shoe's lame.
Lou
Why not be that snazzy lookin' iron there?"
Hey! It's not important! Besides, I'm the car! I'm always the car!
Penny
I'd feel better if I just knew what it was called.
Let's call it Steve!
Steve?
It's a pretty name.
We will turn this van around, mister!
Lou
[pause] [points at Verne]
He started it.
[One bright morning, a piece of snow landed on Verne the turtle's shell, waking him up]
Oh! Oooh! Boy, that's cold! That's cold! The one place I didn't have a shell.
[Shaking the snow off his shell he looked around the forest, blossoming in the spring.]
Wow. Spring. That means there's only 274 days left till winter. Everybody, wake up! Hibernation's over.
Morning, Hammy.
I gotta go wee-wee!
Not in the lake we drink from! Let's go, all right, the rest of you. It's spring! That means we gotta get to work.
Finished. [winces] No, wait! [zooms away can to use the bathroom again]
Come on, everybody. Wake up. Don't make me come in there.
[off-screen]
Ya'll better listen. I've been holding something in all winter, and I'm about to let it out.
Oh, I can clear a room, Verne. Come on, that much I can do.
Porcupine Kid
Good morning.
Lou
Good morning, everyone!
Porcupine Kid
How'd you guys sleep?
Lou
Just a super-duper morning.
Penny
Oh, jeepers.
Lou
Whoa, not lookin' so good around the eyes there, hon.
Penny
Bucky and Quillo were up every three or four weeks. And Spike kept poking me.
Lou
Yeah. Well, he's kinda pokey.
Penny
Yup, he's the sharpest of the bunch there.
Lou
You know what? How 'bout I take the day shift?
Penny
Oh, Lou, that'd be just super.
Lou
All right, kids, you heard your mother, and now you listen to me. Shape up there.
[The kids tackle him, meanwhile, in the log, Verne notices the remaining food is grapes]
Oh, boy. This is what I was afraid of.
Where's the food? Is there any left? I'm hungry, so is there any left?
Heather
We ate all the food, Hammy. During the winter? So we gotta go get some more now.
Oh, right! I buried some nuts in the woods. I know where they are. I'll be right back. Bye!
Heather
[Hammy runs off, while Verne appears outside with the grapes, a piece of snow landed on Ozzie] [weak laughs]
Dad, it was just snow.
Ozzie
But it could have been a predator.
Heather
Isn't playing dead a little... weak?
Ozzie
Heather, how many times must I say it? Playing possum is what we do. We die so that we live!
Lou
Kids, I'm the boss of you, OK? So just calm down.
Penny
That's what we need to find you this year, don't you know? A good fella.
A good fella? A good fella?
Penny
Oh, Jeepers, here we go.
Why does everyone think I need a man? I look like a nest and smell like a swamp. So when you find a fella who's decent, good with kids, and has no sense of smell, call me.
[As Hammy searched around for his nuts, he gasped and what appears to be a massive shadow]
Hello?
Lou
I don't care who started it.
Penny
[Verne waved the branch, getting everyone's attention]
Oh, look, food.
Well, I think you know what this means.
Just a minute, Hammy. [passing one grab to each of them] This means we were nine berries away from starvation. Sorry. That was a little intense. I meant really serious hunger pains.
Verne!
Not finished, Hammy. Morning, Lou, Penny.
Penny
Thanks.
Hey, kids. So, what I want to tell you is...
Verne!
I'm not done, Hammy. If you have to go again, just go. OK. So all I'm saying is we cut it a little close. So this year, we need to make sure that we fill the log...
Ozzie
All the way to the top.
Exactly. [meanwhile, RJ is walking by the bushes, seeing them for the first time] All the way to the top. Because what are we?
All
Foragers!
And what do we forage?
All
Food!
Right.
Lou
Super, Verne, really super.
OK, Hammy. What is it?
What is what?
What is it you want to tell me?
What was it, what was it, what was it, what was it? Wait. Right on the tip of my tongue. Oh, yeah! There's a weird thing over there. I've never seen before. It's really scary. Follow me.
OK. Meeting called on account of weird scary thing. Let's go. [unknown to the family, RJ was watching them behind bushes]
Hmm. Foragers...
Hammy, what weird thing? [seeing what Hammy is pointing at] Oh. That weird thing.
[They look over to the left and right of the massive hedge, Hammy speeds way to the side of the hedge]
It never ends!
It never ends that way too.
Penny
Jeepers, Lou.
Lou
Whoa. Yeah, jeepers is the word there, hon.
Ozzie
I've never seen anything like this.
Man, that's big.
Heather
What is this thing?
Ozzie
Heather, no!
I'm scared.
Me too, Mama.
Penny
It's OK, it's just a... What is this thing, Lou?
Lou
I... Well, it's a... It's... Verne?
Well, it's... it's obviously....some kind of bush?
Penny
I'd be less afraid of it if I just knew what it was called.
Let's call it Steve!
Steve?
It's a pretty name.
Heather
Steve sounds nice.
Penny
I'm a lot less scared of Steve.
Ozzie
Oh, great and powerful Steve! What do you want?
I don't think it can speak.
Woman's voice: I heard that, young man!
[It made the animals yelp and Ozzie passes out] Woman's voice: You get over here right now!
OK.
But Steve is angry!
It probably came from the other side of Steve. I mean the bush. I mean... Jeez! [letting out a sign] Look, there's only one way we're gonna find out what this thing is, and what this is all about. I'm gonna go check it out. [Verne takes a few slow steps, ] Ah!
Ah!
Aye aye yay. [until he tripped and fell into the hedge, frightening the animals]
Ozzie
Steve ate Verne!
All right, Steve, you brought this on yourself.
Stella, don't! I'm not eaten, I just tripped. I'm gonna go over there. Just don't anybody move.
[Verne made his way through the hedge and found himself in a backyard of a house]
Kids, come on, hurry up! You'll be late!
What is this place?
[looking around, rj sees homes houses neighborhood. He sees a dragonfly flying by]
Oh, hey there, little... ...fella.
[Water bursts on him making him land on a column. He runs away from the glass ball and gets caught on it.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Phone toy
[He jumps into utensils and almost dodged the knives. One landed on the hose, causing water to spurt everywhere. He gets caught and land on a toy car.]
Operator. Can I help you?
[He ducks behind a car and landed on the ground. Then he gets spun around and landed back into the forest]
Verne's back.
Verne!
Penny
Jeepers!
Lou
You OK?
Help him up.
Ozzie
What was over there?
Freaky pink primates! They must have come while we were hibernating. It was awful. They had wheels on their feets...[RJ hops onto a tree, listening to their conversation] ...and there sticks, and they were whacking me with sticks like it was some sort of sick game.
Ozzie
You should have died! You should have laid down and died!
Heather
Dad.
That's not the worst part. Half the forest is gone. The oak trees and the berry bushes, they're just... they're just... gone.
Penny
Jeepers.
What'll we do for food?
How are we gonna live? [Vernes looks at his family]
I don't know. But here's what I do know. We will be fine as long as no one goes over Steve again.
[off-screen]
It's called a hedge. [the animals all look up at him with a ray of light shining on him; introducing himself] And it is not to be feared, my amphibious friend. It is the gateway to the good life.
I'm a reptile, actually. But, you know, it's a common mistake. And, uh, you are?
Where are my manners. [walks off the tree branch] I'm RJ. [the branch smacks on Verne's face] Now please don't think I'm prying, but I couldn't help overhearing, [throwing out items from his bag while looking through] and I can shed a little light on what this whole hedge situation is about. [takes out a map] You see, what was once mere wilderness is now 54 acres of man-made, manicured, air-conditioned paradise. Except for that little-bitty speck. [takes out a magnifying glass, showing a red circle surrounding their location] You are here. [the animals gasp in shock] No, no, that's a good thing. You're hibernators, right? You gather up a bunch of food, store it away for the winter?
Uh-huh. We fill the log!
Hammy!
Really? This log? This cave-like log?
Ozzie
All the way to the top.
Ozzie!
[measures the log with a measuring tape]
Let me ask ya, how long's it takes, you know, to fill the log?
Heather
274 Days.
Ooh! Ever done it in a week?
That's impossible.
Not if we work together. You see, you got the food-gathering skills, I got the know-how, and they have the food.
Heather
How much food?
Loads of food! Heaps of food! Food out the wazoo!
Well, whatever kind of food comes out of a wazoo, I don't think we're interested in eating it.
Lou
I don't know, the guy's making a lot of sense to me. I think we should listen.
Penny
Yeah, I'm OK with wazoo food here.
No, you're not. The tail is tingling.
When something doesn't feel right, my tail tingles, and let me tell you something, everything you've said so far is driving my tail crazy.
Listen. Verne, right? This isn't something you need to be afraid of.
Well, I am. And for good reason. This is not a birthmark.
[cleans up Verne's shell with a toothbrush]
Aw, that's because you went over there without a guide, Verne.
Whatever. Thanks for stopping by. We're not interested.
Not interested in the most delicious food you've ever tasted?
No!
Come on.
Not! Interested!
OK. I get it. I understand. This is something that you're just not open to.
Penny
[He opens a bag of chips. The orange cloud dust covers everyone up and they were blown back against the log and rocks.]
Jeepers.
What is THAAAT!?
That, my friend, is a magical combination of corn flour, dehydrated cheese solids, BHA, BHT, and good old MSG, a.k.a., the chip. Nacho cheese flavor.
More please! More.
Yeah, Verne, those were good!
It's all good! And we're going over there, tonight! Yeah!
All
[All the animals are amazed by the scenery]
Wow! Look at that!
Hey, Mom, look at us! Look at us!
Lou
Oh, my! Hon, look at this.
Penny
[The porcupine kids admire a glass ball, Heather looks at a sprinkler and Penny admires a cactus]
Jeepers.
How's that tail, Verne?
Listen, if anybody in this family gets hurt, I'm holding you personally responsible.
They're having a good time. I'll take responsibility for that.
All
This is neat. Look at that. Hey, Spike, look at that.
Lou
Hey, Verno, I took a few clippings out of my quills to do a little comparison. Look at this, the grass seems to be greener over here.
Ozzie
Verne, are you certain you came to the same place?
Yeah, 'cause the raccoon says...
OK, enough about him. I get it. So he can do a couple of tricks. I mean, it's not like he can walk on water.
What is that?
That is an SUV. Humans ride around in it because they are slowly losing their ability to walk.
Penny
Jeepers, it's so big!
Lou
How many humans fit in there?
Usually? One.
[A door opens up, making everyone hide. It was the same woman from before.]
Hi, this is Gladys Sharp. Your president? Of the homeowner's association? Right.
Penny
Jeepers.
What is that?
Easy, easy, don't worry. That's just a human being. And they are just as scared of us as we are of them. Now, if a human does happen to see you, just lay down, roll over and give your privates a good licking. They love it.
The homeowner's charter, which you signed, says the grass is supposed to be two inches, and according to my measuring stick, yours is 2.5.
Could we just get the food and go? Really, do they have it or not?
Didn't you see it? It was in the box. They've always got food with them. We eat to live, these guys live to eat! Let me show you what I'm talking about.
[A montage begins of various humans doing various food related things]
The human mouth is called a "pie hole." The human being is called a "couch potato.” [A phone] That is a device to summon food. [A doorbell] That is one of the many voices of food. [The door] That is the portal for the passing of the food. [A moped] That is one of the many food transportation vehicles. [food trucks] Humans bring the food, take the food, ship the food, they drive the food, they wear the food! That gets the food hot. That keeps the food cold. That... I'm not sure what that is. What do you know? Food! That is the altar where they worship food. That's what they eat when they eat too much food. That gets rid of guilt so they can eat more food. Food, food, food, food! FOOOOOD!!! So, you think they have enough? Well, they don't. For humans, enough is NEVER enough! And what do they do with the stuff they don't eat? They put it in gleaming, silver cans, just for us.
Penny
[He dumps the trash down.]
Sweet jeepers.
Heather
[Everyone started to rummage through the trash.]
Wow.
Penny
Share there, everyone, share.
Uh, that's a baby diaper. And that does come out of a wazoo. So, what do you think? Was I right or was I right? And these things are just the scraps! Wait'll you see what comes in the boxes, packages and cans! I'm telling you, stick with me, and in one week we will gather enough food to... To feed a bear!
[They heard a sound of a door opening. Through the pet door is a cat. A cat named Tiger]
Halt! Intruders! Intruders! Get out, all of you.
Lou
Well, you said to lick our...
No! Nix that! RUN!
Penny
[They run for their lives as Gladys swings her broom.]
Run!
Get outta here! Shoo!
To the hedge!
Get out of here! I just mopped this patio! Filthy vermin!
Penny
[They made it out of the backyard and back to the forest.]
Verne's right, that was horrible.
Lou
You kids okay? Hon, you alright there?
Heather
We'll find other food, right?
See what I mean? That's what I was talking about! These humans don't want us around!
So we scared her, and she overreacted. No biggie.
No biggie? OH! That is what we call a biggie.
Come on, think about the food. It was worth it for that food, huh? That stuff is to die for! [Ozzie faints] Let me rephrase that.
No, "to die for." You nailed that part. Look, maybe our little forest life looks primitive to a guy with a bag.
What?
But I think I speak for the whole family when I say we want NOTHING to do with ANYTHING THAT’S OVER THAT HEDGE!
Oh, come on!
I'm done.
You haven't even tried doughnuts yet! You wanna store fat? That is the way to store some fat. You'll be sweatin' through the winter! -
Heather
We'll eat the bark, right?
OK, all right, you guys sleep on it! Good idea. I'm gonna check back with you. Shoot! Almost had 'em.
Heather
Good night.
Good night, Ozzie.
Ozzie
Good night.
Good night, Lou.
Lou
Good night there Verne.
Night, Penny.
Penny
Good night.
Good night, Hammy.
Good night Verne.
Night, Bucky.
Good night.
Good night, Spike.
Good night, Uncle Verne.
Good night, Quillo.
Night, Uncle Verne.
When we wake up, only 273 days left till winter.
That's enough, Verne.
Good night, 273.
Spuddies... Cooler... Wagon... Redder wagon.
Time's up, RJ.
But I have six more days!
[Verne made his way back to see RJ giving out cookies to the woodland animals.]
That's right. Don't push. Plenty for everybody. Got a box right over here for ya, Penny.
Penny
Jeepers, that is good. Kids, eat up! Anything that tastes this good has to be good for you.
You feel that buzz in the back of your skull?
Penny
Yeah.
That's called a sugar rush. It's what keeps humans going. It's why they don't hibernate. You top that off with a little of this, and what usually takes you all summer is only gonna take us a week.
[Hammy is about to drink the energy soda can. But RJ he stop him.]
Hold on, Hamsquad. The last thing you need is caffeine. That's right. Come on, dig in. Because this, my friends, is just the beginning.
What?
[All night, the animals started stealing food to fill up the log. RJ gives the porcupine kids down the grass to steal backpacks and a few game consoles. Later on, they steal Gladys food and pizza boxes, much to her anger. RJ and Heather listen to music on a Walkman, The porcupine parents used their quills and steal hot dogs. They play cards in the night]
Read it and weep.
[At a birthday party, Stella popping out of a birthday cake, causing the kids screaming in horror and running away, then RJ and the gang snatches the food, and marks the paper and placing to the hedge, Once Gladys left her house, she saw the destruction in the neighborhood and goes to get her phone call.]
Hello? I need every business listing you have under "exterminator."
[RJ is on a tree, checking the list that the ice cooler is next. He gets a plan and tells the animals to get ready. Verne is still being left out until he heard a car screech and a thud.]
Ozzie!
Timmy
[He heads over. There are boys named skeeter and timmy. Looking down at Ozzie, who is playing dead.]
Whoa, Mom! You hit a possum.
Debbie
Oh, my goodness.
Do you think it's dead?
Oh, no.
Wow!
Boy
Touch it.
Can I poke him?
Debbie
No! These poor little creatures.
Shelbyː What's going on.
Mackenzie
Come check it out. It's a dead possum.
[The animals made their way to the cooler while the humans gathered around.]
Debbie? I don't remember seeing a permit app for a gathering. Groups of more than one who wish to get... AAAH!
Debbie
[to her son]
Timmy, get the shovel from the car.
[Ozzie gasps. RJ motions for Ozzie to do something.]
Lights fading, limbs growing cold. - I see a tunnel.
Mother, is that you beckoning me into the light? Must move toward the light.
Timmy
What do you think he's doing?
Maybe we knocked his brains loose or something.
I'm tellin' you, you went to far this time. Let's get out of here and leave this [picks up the blue cooler] You're dangerous! You're insane?!
Nice catch Verne.
Yes! Yes! Sweet mother, I'm going HOME! [coughs] Goodbye, cruel world!? [notices the flowerpot on the sidewalk] Oh! Ooh! [Whispers] Rosebud. [groans as he spins around, then falls on the ground and passes out]
Now can I poke him?
Debbie
No!
You see? This is exactly why I called the exterminator, to kill them before they get hurt like this.
Everybody, get out of here right now!
Right! Kids, grab those handles. Get the stuff.
What?
Here we go. I threw out my back.
[They carry the cooler but they hit a mailbox, causing the food to be spilled out. Verne looked and saw what appears to be a truck.]
Let's go.
Get down.
[They gather up the food and hide. Vern hides behind the car and watches the truck arrive.]
Oh, no.
[Shelby gasps Amazed] [First Words]
Ha! I believe someone phoned about an animal problem? The solution is standing before you. Dwayne LaFontant is here.
Where have you been? I'm throwing a "Welcome to the Neighborhood" party, tomorrow and so far Debbie's car has killed more animals than you have.
Stand down, sister. I personally guarantee that there will not be a living thing at this party. The Verminator is on the job.
Now, what do we have here? [inhales] Didelphis marsupialis virginianus. Approximately ten pounds. [inhales] Male.
Debbie
I think he's dead.
Oh, really? Do you in fact have a associates degree from VermTech? I think he wants you to think he's dead.
Lou
[The animals drag the cooler into the hedge.]
Go! Go!
Move, move! That's it! Run! Go, voluntary shock state.
I certainly hope he's not in any pain.
AAHH! Kill it! Kill it!
Thank you all for coming! You were a great audience!
Boys
Oh, man!
All right, what am I up against here? Possum, porcupine, skunk, squirrel, raccoon, amphibian.
Reptile.
No. Reptile.
Lou
That's what I call a super-duper performance there.
I wanna do it again!
Beyond super. They were riveted, man. You were awesome!
Heather
Dad. I just gotta say, that was... that was pretty good.
Props for the Ozman!
All
Ozman!
Ozzie
But let's not forget our brilliant leadership: RJ.
RJ!
Heather
Hey, RJ, come this way. We wanna show you something.
Yeah, sure.
Sweet.
What a team!
That raccoon knows what he's doing.
Lou
You're my hero there, fella.
Heather
Over here, this way.
RJ, come on!
Yeah, we wanna show you something. Come on, hurry!
[The animals, except Verne, shows RJ a surprise; his new home]
Check it out. [RJ looks around at some random objects of his new home] Your new home!
That's for me?
Lou
Yeah, is this anything like what you had, RJ?
This isn't anything like what I had, Lou.
Thanks. [to Heather, who sits on RJ's bag] Oh. [clears his throat] Is that my bag?
Heather
Yeah, we brought it in here so you wouldn't have to sleep in that old tree.
Really? Wow.
Hey, RJ, check this out! We totally hooked up the TV.
I hot-wired the HD converter.
We get like 1,000 channels!
Heather
Here, can you take the remote before my dad does?
Wow. A universal remote? This is nice, guys. Really nice. [turns on the TV]
TV Announcer
And now, we return to "A Scoundrel Among Us".
You should be ashamed of yourself! We let you into our family, and you deceived us! [RJ changes the channel]
Man
I gave you my heart, and then you ripped it into a million pieces! [RJ changes the channel again]
Dr. Dennis
Get real, Kevin. Because when you feel like a dirtbag, it's because you're a dirtbag, right? So just say it out loud: "I am a dirtbag."
Lou
"Dirtbag"? I don't think that guy's a real doctor. What've you think there, RJ? [notices RJ has gone] RJ?
[They realized that RJ has ran off.]
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, RJ. What are you doing, man? You are getting in way too deep. Just get the food. Feed the bear. Get the food. Feed the bear. WAAH! Where's the food? Where's the food?! WHERE'S THE FOOD?!
[RJ comes out of the hedge and sees Verne pulling the wagon of food away from the forest.]
Verne. What are you doing?
I'm getting things back to the way they were.
No, don't. How about I just leave? [picks up the Spuddies and placed it back on the pile]
Good. You leave, and I return this stuff to the rightful owners.
What?! Why?
Because we've angered the humans. And we don't wanna end up like that rabbit. Hence, I'm giving this back so they won't kill us.
Verne, you don't understand! We need this stuff!
No, we don't!
You can't take it!
Yes, I can!
Let go!
You let go!
I have to have it.
No!
[Verne pulled the wagon and RJ fell. Once he got up, he notice what appears to be a chain that is attached to a doghouse. He gasps, dropping the chain.] [quietly]
Verne. Move slow, keep your voice low and follow me.
What?
SSShhhhh!
No!
SSShhhhh!
No! I'm not falling for any more of your smooth talk! I don't know what you're up to, but my entire shell is tingling. Know what? I'm listening to it this time, and I'm putting my foot down.
No, no. [A dog named Nugent]
Play? [Squeaky Toys]
???
Play! Play, play, play! Play, play, play, play, play! Play!
Toy Doll
[RJ gets string caught on a Y-shaped stick]
Let's play!
Play? [camera perspective changes] Play! Play! Play!
Down, boy. Sit. Roll over!
Play!
Play dead!
Play!
Attaboy, Verne. Save the food, I'll lose the dog.
Play.
Huh?!
Play, play, play, play. Play, play, play, play.
Oh, no! No, no, no, no.
You're dropping all the food, man! Here, catch.
Play!
Are you hungry? Look, food! [The dog went around the man cooking hot dogs, the gas tank got attached to the wagon.]
BBQ Barry
Oh, my back!
Look, people! Play with them!
Lunch Table Larry
Look out!
Stop! What's he doing?
Lunch Table Larry
What was that?
Play, play, play, play.
I'm all right, I'm fine. It's okay. It's... [The tank gets released, making the wagon go faster.]
Verne, unhook the chain! [The take is off chain on the dog got released.]
Play!
No! [He catches chips] Yes. [The wagon went straight up the slide and into the air]
Oh!
Dah!
Oh, boy.
WHOA! [the wagon had stopped flying and then started to fall. While that happens, the chips went flying out of the can] Verne, I told you to unhook the chain!m[The wagon begins falling. Verne leaps onto an umbrella and so did RJ with the can of chips. He drop it.]
Garbage cans are not to be on the curb before eight... [The wagon and cooler fell into her car, and it exploded.]
You're the devil.
Both
AAAAAHHHHH!!!' [They fall into ack to the forest where the other animals wonder where Verne and RJ are before they backed away. RJ and Verne land on the ground but the food is all gone.]
Lou
Verne, are you alright there!? Gimme a hand, Oz.
Ozzie
[gets up]
Oh, sure, sure.
Penny
What the heck happened?
It's gone. The food! GOOOOOOOONE!
What?
Heather
Gone?
How's it gone?
Ask... HIM! [angrily points at Verne]
Penny
Verne?
Lou and Ozzie
WHAT?! [they drop Verne]
Heather
We, like, worked our tails off, y'know? Like a lot! And the food we gathered was totally...you know! And you're...you're all whatever!
Ozzie
Yeah, Verne, What were you thinking?! The log was full!
Full of junk. [Ozzie is appalled as are the others]
Lou
Oh, so what're ya saying there? That the food we gathered our way isn't as good as the food we gathered your way? [he and Ozzie walk away]
Your way? [referring to RJ] You mean his way. Can't you see RJ's just using you?
Penny
[gasps]
Verne! Shame on you, RJ wouldn't do that!
You've gotta trust me on this! Don't you understand that there is something wrong with this guy? My tail tingles every time I get near him!
Oh, so we're supposed to go all hungry 'cause your butt's vibratin'? I'm startin' to think that tingle of yours is just you bein' jealous!
Jealous? Of him?!
Lou
Yeah! He's embracing the future there, and now you're just holding us back!
Oh, I hold you back, alright! From extinction! [to RJ] You see what you've done here? If they listened to half of the stuff that you're telling them, they'll be dead within a week! You are only interested in taking advantage of them because they are too stupid and naive to know any better!?
[turns to the animals, who are shocked and appalled]
Okay, I didn't mean, um...I mean ignorant. To the ways over-over there. C'mon, you guys. You know I didn't mean it like that. [the animals start to walk away] Don't-Don't do this. Stella? Ozzie? [turns to Hammy] Hammy, you know I didn't... [Hammy pushes his hand away] Hammy?
I'm not stupid. [walks away]
[shocked]
Please. [Hammy takes RJ's hand and RJ shakes his head at Verne. as Verne witnessed that, he sighs with grief and sadly begins to walk the other direction]
Good night, Uncle RJ.
Good night, kiddo.
Moon's full, RJ. See ya in the morning.
[RJ sighs and looked at the children before he pulled out his list. He hears something coming from the backyard.]
This'll cut you down to size!
Is it done?
Affirmative.
And did you put this one in? [after installed a lot of traps] What about this one, this Depelter Turbo?
That's a contraband item, ma'am, as it is illegal in every state, [with his hand over his heart] except Texas.
I don't care if this violates the Geneva Conventions, I want it.
I thought you might, so I took the liberty of installing it for you. [as he tosses a stuffed teddy bear in it] Adios, animal infestation.
Oh my. [chuckles, laughing] [RJ sits on the root, looks up at the full moon, pulls out the list, and sadly crumpled it up]
I shouldn't have taken all that food.
What?
I shouldn't have taken all that food. I was just trying to return things to the way they were. That's all. I was just being cautious, 'cause that's what I am. I'm naturally tentative. There's even places in my shell I haven't been. You, on the other hand. You're, like, cool and crazy and fearless. [sits down next to RJ] I think they're right. I think I'm just jealous.
[sighs]
Verne, believe me. You should not be jealous of me. You...You got a good thing here. You're just trying to do what's best for your family.
And I think you're what's best for them now.
What about your tail?
Eh...My head says "listen to my tail," and my tail says "just listen to my head," and I just...end up with an upset stomach. That's why you need to be in charge now.
You don't really know what's going on here.
And you do! So...what's the problem?
[hands Verne his crumpled-up list]
This, Verne, is the problem. You see this? [hears the sound of a vehicle backing up]
I'm listening.
Just...
Uh-huh?
Just hang on a 2nd.
Alright.
Delivery Man
[RJ climbs up a tree to see Gladys having food delivered to her house]
Hey, uh, you the lady throwing the party?
Yes. Just to the right. There are protected booties to put on over your shoes.
What? Oh. That...
Mmm-hmm?
...is a...list...
Of?
...of all the stuff that you've lost, Verne.
Really?
Well, it's a big, long list. You can see that.
Well, you're an organized little guy, aren't ya? Nice job.
But, you know what? I know place that's so chockful of food, [takes the list from Verne] we can get it all back in one night.
Great. Let's go. Where is it?
Inside that house.
Verne! [tries to catch Verne, but only grabs his shell; examines it] What is the point of this thing?
[Scene switches to RJ talking to the other animals about Verne]
What Verne's trying to say is...I mean, it's hard to really sum it all in just one word...
Aww, come here!
[The animals all huddle up for a big group hug]
That's right. OK! Listen, stay in the huddle. Here's the plan. Now, the traps are set here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here. Here, here, here, here. Big one here, here, - and maybe a few over here.
Gee, is that all?
No. There's a bunch of red lights all over here. OK, Verne? Looking a little green.
I blacked out for a second there, but I get the idea. There's lights, traps... I might need to change my shell.
Can I be the car?
I wanna be the car!
I'm the car! You be the shoe.
Shoe is lame.
Lou
Why don't you be that snazzy lookin' iron there?
Hey, it's not important! Besides, I'm the car! I'm always the car. The plan works in three simple steps. Step one, kill the lights. Step two, get inside. Step three, get out with mountain of food.
Ozzie
But this place is like a fortress. Walls, so high. Doors, impenetrable. How will we get in?
The collar is the key. Literally, the collar. It's like a key that opens the door and if...
And what? You think he's just gonna hand over his collar to you?
Not to me, my femme fatale. To you.
Her?
Me?
You, Stella, will get that cat to give you his collar by using...
My stink.
...your feminine charms.
Was that out loud?
Look, raccoon, maybe that mask you're wearing is obstructing your view, but if you haven't noticed, I'm a skunk.
On the outside, maybe. But I'm looking inside, Stella, and I see a fox. And all we gotta do is get her out.
Scissors?
Lou
Here we go.
Hey! Watch the...
Penny
Charcoal.
Charcoal?
Air freshener.
Ozzie
Tomato juice.
Cork.
Cork? Don't you dare.
Porcupine Kids
Get 'em! Score! Yeah!
One more thing.
Ow!
Whoa. Stop. That's it. Ladies and gentlemen, our work here is done.
Lou
Oh, my.
Penny
Big jeepers.
Heather
She's all like, wow.
What?
[Stella looked and saw that she was all black and she can see since her long bangs were cut off.]
Oh. Meow.
Whoa! Amazing!
Heather
Gosh, she looks... Wow.
All right, gang, this is it. We're going in.
Not again. Dang it! Those things are so lifelike. Curse you, plastic moldsman.
OK, Hammy. Hammy! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Hammy, I told you that cookie's junk!
But I like a cookie.
What's going on? Is everything OK?
Here we go! Come on, Hammy, come on. Follow the pretty light. There it is, that's it. That's it, that's it. There it is. Go get it. That's it, that's it. Go get it, you little nut! Bingo! OK, step two.
I thought we'd be dead by step two, so this is going great!
Alright, gorgeous, you're on. [pushes Stella out of the bushes]
Audio, go!
[The animals activate a Fisher Price barnyard animal toy. see n say the farmer says. But makes a cow noise]
She's supposed to be a cat. Put it on cat. Maybe the cat likes the cow. Let's hope the cat likes the cow.
Yeah. Right. Shoo. Scurry off! Go on! Get away from here! My owner does not give scraps to common strays.
Common strays? Alright, you asked for it! [gets ready to spray Tiger]
Gee, that's a nice collar you got on. Mind if I have a look?
No, no, no! Come no closer! I must not be so near a creature of the outdoor woods! [sneezes into his arm and wipes it onto his face] Away with your filth!
My filth? [the animals gasp] My filth?!
Penny
Oh, jeepers, here we go!
Okay, that's it! I am so sick and tired of everybody taking one look at me and running away because they think I'm filthy! Well, I've got news for you, I didn't get all primped and preened to have some overfed pompous puffball tell me he's too good for me! I got makeup on my butt, dude, and you don't even want to know about the cork!
STOP! No one has ever spoken to me like that! [the animals gasp; Stella startled] It is bold. I like it. [RJ and Verne smile at each other, and Stella is shown surprised]
Well, believe me, there's more where that came from... -...puffball.
All right, team, let's boogie.
You are strong. Your essence is overpowering.
What...? What do you mean by that?
It is your eyes.
My eyes.
They are luminous.
Luminous? Dang.
You know, I think this is the part where I blacked out. Did the little shoes and cars actually get into the house?! [He throwing cat collar]
So you got a name?
Yes. It is a Persian name, for I am Persian. I was born Prince Tigeriess Mahmood Shabaz. [Everyone gets inside the house.]
That's a mouthful. Can I just call you Tiger?
Whoa!
Heather
This place is huge.
Wicked cool.
Animals are in the house.
All
Wow!
Lou
Oh, my goodness.
Heather
This is so cool.
Yes! OK, stations, everybody.
Ozzie
Let's boogie!
Heather
We got it.
Here we go.
No grip, no grip, no grip.
Hammy! Less claw, more pad.
Oh, OK. That hurt.
What was that?
It....That's just for the sound of my heart. Can't you hear it? [She imitates the deep note while Spike kept on being blown away]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
This way, that way! [he and Bucky switches for the channel to Gladys sleeping. Quillo falls over for the THX logo]
Okay, okay, we're good! Go back to work!
Penny
There you go. [Ozzie throws a can to Penny, who throws it to Spike, who throws it to Heather]
Heather
[to Verne]
Here, catch! [Verne catches for the can then throws it to Lou. Lou rolls for the can down a transparent paper roll and then Hammy grabs can by can and puts it into the wagon. Penny jumps off a cupboard with marshmallows stuck on her quills and grabs a cookie box]
Lou
[tries to hold a plate of strawberry gelatin]
Oh, boy. [drops the plate, gasps, Heather catches the plate of gelatin. Hammy still catches the food slide down the transparent sheet]
Yes! We're gonna make it.
[while Hammy catches the food and puts it in the wagon behind him]
My father.... he had an exceptionally flat face. It was so beautiful, he could barely breathe!
Fascinating! [The mountain of food for the wagon grows until morning]
...Inside, I have a multi-leveled climby thing with a shag carpet. Come, I'll show you!
NO, no! I-I-I haven't told you about my life.
Good, good! Going great, going great! [a coffee machine beeps]
That is what gets the humans out of bed for the morning. [he and Verne turn to the TV showing Gladys' bed, where she has vanished, and scream in horror]
Where'd she go?!
[seeing Gladys coming down the stairs]
Get down and stay down! [Bucky, Quillo, and Spike hide under a magazine, while the rest of the animals run behind the counter. Gladys yawns] Move, move! [Gladys pours coffee into a cup. The animals, including RJ, scootch up to look closer. Gladys opens a cabinet and pulls out a box.... with a can of Spuddies behind] C'mon, we've gotta go before she comes back.
What?
Lou, Penny? Back to the TV! Heather, keep an eye on that human!
Heather
I'm on it, RJ. [runs for the staircase]
Ozzie
No, Heather, wait! [runs after her]
[begins to feel his tail tingle again; to himself]
The tingle, the tingle. [to RJ] RJ, the wagon's full! Let's get out of here!
Hang on, Vincent! This will only take a second!
'Vincent'?
Who's Vincent?
Oh. Verne, Vincent, simple slip of the bear...TONGUE! Uh, erm.... Just bear with me is what I.... meant to say. There's no bear!
[RJ climbs the bottle rack to go for the Spuddies. Meanwhile, Heather is trying to distract Gladys by copying Ozzie]
Hmm? Oh!
Heather
Lights fading, limbs growing co.... [Gladys pathetically she kicks Heather down the stairs while Ozzie watches in horror]
Ozzie
Heather? [As Gladys walks down the stairs, she realizes that she made herself sick by killing Heather. She runs back upstairs into her room. Ozzie runs towards what seems to be Heather's lifeless body] Oh, Heather.
[Meanwhile, she's talking to the Verminator on the phone]
There's a dead white rat on my staircase! [Heather's eyes suddenly open. It turned out she was playing dead]
Ozzie
I thought you were dead.
Heather
I learned for the best, Dad.
Ozzie
[proudly]
That's my girl.
[cut to the kitchen in struggles to retrieve Gladys' Spuddies from the cabinet]
Oh, come...to Papa.
Ozzie
[returns to the animals with Heather]
We better hurry. We don't have much time.
Nothing.
Well then, let's get out of here, because we have what we need.
No, we don't.
What are you talking about? [pulls on RJ's tail] We have more than enough!
[snaps]
Hey! Listen, I've got about this long to hand over that wagon load of food to a homicidal bear! [for the other animals gasp at RJ's confession] And if these Spuddies aren't on the menu, then I will be! Now, let go of my tail!
[Pauses; growls, angrily kicks Verne's arm off]
Let GO! [As RJ grabs the Spuddies, Verne and RJ fall down which makes the bottles and pans crash, letting Stella, Tiger and Gladys hear the noise]
Uh, I'm sorry, I've gotta go! [leaves]
Stella?! Stella, where are you going?! STELLAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! [Gladys runs into the kitchen and screams that the animals are inside as RJ and Verne screams and runs away as Stella returns to the kitchen as he follows her] Stella!
Look, it's not you! It won't work, okay? Because I'm a... [Gladys sees her]
Yeah, that. [Gladys screams and runs] Sorry you have to see this. FIRE IN THE HOLE! [Stella sprays an entire house. The Stink explodes like a bomb, and a cork flies out. At the same time, the Verminator van arrives. Gladys coughs]
No. This face was bred for beauty. I can't smell a thing.
You can't smell...
[RJ turns and looks at Verne then runs out through the cat door.]
To the door! Go, go, go, go, go, go! [Gladys blocks the door without noticing the animals.] Run! [Suddenly, Dwayne kicks down the other door while wearing a gas mask. The animals (except RJ who is not here) are shocked.]
Let's party! [The animals run away.] BUNNIES!!! [Dwayne accidentally traps Gladys's bunny slippers in a net.]
Aah! [falls over]
Flee, my love! [Dwayne shoots at Stella, but Tiger pushes her out of the way, getting caught in the net.]
[to Stella]
RUN! [to the rest] That way, outside! [As Verne, Hammy, Stella, Ozzie, Heather, Penny, Lou, Bucky, Quillo and Spike try to escape the house by going through the glass door they forgot it was shut and the slam into and slide down it. Dwayne finally has the animals where he has them.]
[to Verne]
Buenos dias... reptile. [Dwayne finally catches the animals in with his net gun, then black background.]
You've just been verminated. [turns to Gladys] Whoa. You stink.
Hey, Nancy, stop you're honkin'! These little guys will be disposed of quickly and humanely.
No, not humanely--as inhumanely as possible!
It was a pleasure doing business with you, ma'am. [The caged animals watched RJ leave with the wagon of food, feeling betrayed.]
What's he gonna do to us, Mama?
Penny
I...I don't know, baby.
Heather
[clutches her arms around Ozzie while locked in a cage, about to be driven off for extermination]
I don't wanna die, Dad. Not for real.
Ozzie
There, there, sweetheart. We'll be okay. [Stella, from her cage holds Hammy's hand, who is in his own cage, scared]
Lou
[referring to RJ]
You were right about him, Verne. We should've listened. Sorry there.
No. [sits down] I knew we wouldn't trust him, and I got us into this. I should have known better.
[Vincent lunges at the truck, the force causing Dwayne's foot to fall against the gas pedal.]
We're out of control!
We can drive.
It's just like Auto-Homicide 3!
What?
Verne, let me in! Wrong button! Wrong button!
GPS
Please select destination.
Take us home! Take us to the log!
GPS
Previous destination selected. Make a legal U-turn.
We got it!
Hammy! Let me in!
Not listening to RJ.
Kids, lose that bear!
What weapons do we have?
We've got a hammer.
Cool.
You little...
Thank you! Yes, Yes! [The animals end up throwing him out] Hey! Let me in, let me in!
No! Ring-tailed charlatan! [rolls up the window]
Ozzie!
He's just trying to help us. Just let him in!
After what he did to us?
But he came back. [Vincent's roar is heard]
Lou
And he brought a bear!
We will turn this van around, mister. [The animals were shocked and stunned]
Lou
[points at Verne]
He started it.
I'm telling you. He's just trying to help us, really.
But, Verne, you're the one who always says trust your tail.
But it's not tingling.
All
Ohhh!
Why didn't you say so?
Hey! Thank you, thank you.
You're dead, RJ!
Duck!
And your friends are next.
Penny
Look out!
GPS
Make an immediate left turn.
Bonus points!
All
Yeah!
RJ!
Yeah!
Look out.
High score.
No, no, no, no!
GPS
[Glady screams truck horn. Hammy waving hand hello.]
You have arrived.
Everybody all right?
Come on!
We've gotta go, we've gotta go!
The old jazz dance injury.
You guys wanna party, do you? All right then! Let's Party!
Kids! Penny, Lou, look out! Down! That's it! Verne, get everybody out of here. I'll distract him.
Are you crazy? He'll kill you.
Well, I'm the one he wants. Take care of your family, Verne.
I intend to. The whole family. There's got to be something we can do.
There's no time.
RJ and Verne
Hammy!
[pops out from the top of the hedge]
Hey, Vincent, you were right! [holds up a potato chip] With a Spuddie, enough just isn't enough! [then eats the potato chip]
Ozzie
Now, Hammy. Go, go, go!
[Hammy starts to go crazy as the camera zooms in on his eye, which widens greatly. Cut to the Earth, which slows down and stops spinning completely. Hammy is moving so fast it looks like time itself has stopped. Hammy looks around. Everyone and everything is completely frozen, except for him. He walks past The frozen Dwayne and Gladys before turning on the Depelter Turbo to the highest setting. He then notices the cookie on the roof of Gladys' house. He eats it and dodges the slow moving lasers. He then gets an idea. He places the lawn gnome trap underneath Dwayne's foot. As time slowly resumes, a naked Verne pulls the shell-wearing RJ out of Vincent's mouth. RJ salutes goodbye to Vincent as the bear lands on top of Dwayne and Gladys, setting off the lasers]
That's the--
The Depelter Turbo. Prepare for a lot of stinging! Oh, no! No, no! No, no! No! [A powerful beam of light flashes, reaching all the way to space, destroyed a satellite. Cut to the Milky Way Galaxy, where a small, white light is seen glowed brighter than the other stars. The animals roasting marshmallows and pops popcorn as they watched the three villains getting incinerated by the beam of light]
My hair! Ouch!
That stung like I knew it would! [The three villains are completely fried, nearly completely bald, and trapped in a cage]
All
Whoo-hoo!
Heather
Yeah!
We did it!
All
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
Good job, everybody. That's teamwork.
Come here, Hammy. Come here. You are a genius, my boy.
Oh, thank [burps] you!
Eegh!
And, Verne, don't you ever fix this shell!
Yeah. Glad it's working for ya. Take it off, give it back.
Ranger
[In the neighborhood, two animal rangers carry Vincent away, relocating him to the Rocky Mountains]
Here we go, off to the Rockies for you, Smokey.
Police Officer
[At the same time, a scorched up Gladys and Dwayne are lead away in handcuffs by the police for possessing the illegal and inhumane Depelter Turbo]
Now, you do realize that was a Depelter Turbo?
[desperate, wanting arrest to go to jail]
Officer, please! It was the Verminator! He sold it to me! This has nothing to do with me!
Police Officer
Hey, hey! It was in your yard. Your name's on the contract, so you can tell it to the judge.
NO! It's not my fault! Let go of me! [She shoves the officer in a panic-filled rage.]
Police Officer
Ma'am.
[last words]
I CAN'T BE ARRESTED! I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE HOMEOWNER'S ASSOCIATION!? [She attacks the police officer in the face. She tries to run but another cop tackles her]
Cop
Take her down! [The other Police Officer gets back up and body-slams her.]
She's getting away!
Police Officer
We got a twitcher! Watch it! Ma'am! [Dwayne tries to take advantage of the cop's attention on fighting Gladys.]
[to the cops]
Get her! [sneaks away and she karate-kicks one of the officers. They all continue fist fighting as Dwayne walk away in the climbs fence.]
Police Officer
[faintly]
Stop that! Can I get help over here? [as Dwayne climbs over a fence] Somebody get a hold of her legs! [Dwayne then accidentally steps on a squeaky toys off-screen]
[last words]
Oh, no. No, no! No, no! NO! [a bite was heard, results him to screams in pain. Cuts in the hedge and animals cheers]
Heather
High five, Hammy!
Yes! It worked! It worked! We did it!
Oh, yes!
Over here, Tiger!
Oh, Stella! Ah, so this is the outdoor woods? I like it.
Come on, big boy. You're coming with me.
You know, RJ, uh, just for the record, if you had told us that all that food you were trying to get was to pay back an angry bear, we would have given it to you.
Really?
Yeah, that's what families do. They look out for each other.
I never really had anything like that.
I know, but believe me, this...This is the gateway to the good life.
Really wish you've told me that sooner.
Well, that's bad communication. Also something families do. So, what do ya say? Wanna be part of it?
Come here, come here. I promised I wouldn't do this. OK.
Ozzie
Welcome to the family!
Hey!
Heather
Group hug!
OK, OK.
What a first week of spring, huh? Wait a minute! That means there's only 267 days left till winter. What are we gonna do for food?!
Yes, Hammy.
I filled the log.
Penny
Jeepers!
Lou
What...?
LOOK, LOOK! I FOUND MY NUTS! [slams into the camera]
[During the credits, When "Rocking the Suburbs" plays in the background]
That, my friends, is the object of all human attention and devotion, and they call it...a TV.
Wicked cool!
You see, humans feel an inner need to connect with the world around them.
Lou
That is just super-duper.
They also feel a need to sit on their fat butts, watching TV fulfills both needs at the same time.
Wow. Interesting.
Penny
Come on, kids! Family time there, in front of the TV! Got your snack food?
Buy a vowel! BUY A VOWEL! Buy a "Y", Please buy a "Y"!
Ozzie
I can't find the remote.
Lou
Hey, Spikey! Race ya!
Ozzie
Has anybody seen the remote?
Heather
Dad, chill.
I could do a little TV. I think today's the day we find out if the baby is gifted or if Saxon is really an alien.
Just Like Khan in Star Trek 2! The Genesis Project was in the hands of the Enterprise, but Khan had his plan to steal the invention and redo all the life!
Well, that was specific.
I saw it on TNT, a retrospective.
Heather
Gummy Worm, anybody?
Let me have one.
Bucky, pass this to Lou.
Lou
Taste this.
Don't you take that.
This is the perfect food.
Fat-free cookies? You might as well just be eating dirt.
I've had dirt, I don't like dirt, it tastes like dirt!
Heather
Shh! The Show is starting!
[The last part of "Rocking the Suburbs" by Ben Folds continues on the credits]
Other characters in Over the Hedge
RJ
Bruce Willis
Hammy
Steve Carell
Verne
Garry Shandling
Ozzie and Heather
Stella
Wanda Sykes
Gladys Sharp
Allison Janney
Vincent
Nick Nolte
Dwayne LaFontant
Thomas Haden Church
Spike
Shane Baumel
Bucky
Sami Kirkpatrick
Quillo
Madison Davenport
Tiger
Omid Djalili
Animals
Nugent
Brian Stepanek
Skeeter
Paul Butcher
Woman