Hawkeye Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?
Played by Donald Sutherland 
MASH (1970) · 47 quotes
MASH (1970) · 47 quotes
Most-quoted character in MASH (1970): in 19 of its 47 quotes
Most scenes with: Trapper John (9), Duke (5)
Who am I? I am the pro from Dover, and this [Indicates Trapper John] is my favorite caddy.
More lines from Hawkeye
5 quotes Hawkeye Hawkeye Oh come off it, MAJOR! You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch... and under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean you're what we call a regular army clown.
Hawkeye Baby we're gonna see some stitching like you never saw before.
Hawkeye [Trying to convince Lt. Dish to sleep with Painless.]
You have the rare privilege that happens on certain occasions to chief executives of states or nations. You have the privilege of restoring a human being's life by a tender act of mercy.
Hawkeye Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic
Scenes with Hawkeye
13 scenes Hawkeye Nurse, you got a clamp?
Lt. Dish Yes.
Hawkeye Scratch my nose.
Lt. Dish [While making out]
I made a vow to myself that while I was gone, I was going to be-- I was going to be faithful to my husband.
Hawkeye Those are the vows you make when you're with somebody.
Well, listen, uh, where were you when you were drafted? I was just curious.
Back home. I told you before.
No, I mean, what were you doing? Were you, like, a resident, or on staff someplace?
Mmm.
Where?
Hospital.
Which hospital?
Back home.
Hawkeye I don't know. I will ask. Is there some reason my friend should not know the name of the hospital?
Hawkeye [Trapper pops his gum and shrugs.]
There doesn't appear to be any reason. I've seen you somewhere before. I don't know your name, stranger, but your face is familiar. Have you always had that mustache?
Hawkeye [Trapper John smirks and shakes his head.]
Hmm.
Hawkeye Duke, did I ever tell you how Androscoggin College beat Dartmouth in a raging blizzard, six to nothing, because I intercepted a pass?
Yeah, you told me.
Hawkeye They had this great passer, see? [Trapper John shrugs, smiling] And we held them nothing-nothing till the last 20 seconds, and then snow and all, he let one go. And it went sailing... boom!
Lucky your mouth wasn't open, it would have got stuck in your throat.
Hawkeye Oh, baby! How are you, Trapper John McIntyre?
I thought you'd never remember.
Painless Polish Day in the shower tent?
Hawkeye Walt Waldowski, the dentist.
Well, what, are those guys waiting to scrub his back or something?
Hawkeye Oh, I don't know. I think it's one of those ladies' things.
It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch. Look at my new flannel-- I think she's going to have a nervous breakdown.
Hawkeye She can't even get out of the door.
Hawkeye [Frank Burns leaps over the mess table and tackles Hawkeye]
Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Hawkeye Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac. I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!
Hawkeye [Father Mulcahy tells Hawkey that Painless has a problem.]
What do you mean? What is it?
Father Mulcahy Well, what is it? It's difficult to talk about, you see, because I learned about his problem in confession.
Hawkeye Oh, and you can't--
Father Mulcahy I can't divulge...
Hawkeye Can you give me a hint?
[Gathered at Painless's suicide feast.]
Now then, y'all come here to say your final farewell to ol' Walt here.
Farewell Walt.
Dear ol' Walt. You know, I got an idea that maybe it's not such a final farewell after all. I think maybe ol' Walt's going on into the unknown to do a little recon work for us all.
Hawkeye I just-- I just wanna say one thing. Uh, nobody ordered Walt to go on this mission. He volunteered for certain death.
That's true.
Hawkeye That's what we award our highest medals for.
That's beautiful.
Hawkeye That's what being a soldier is all about.
Oh yeah.
Capt. Bandini Here! Here!
I'm kind of partial to blonde myself.
Hawkeye I knew it! I knew you had a-- had an attraction for Hot Lips Houlihan
Here! Here!
Go to hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. Besides she's-- I'll bet she's not a real blonde.
Hawkeye How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army!
I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with 20 bucks, How's that?
Hawkeye You have yourself a bet, sir. [To Trapper John] You're my witness.
I'll be your witness, but who's gonna be the poor schmuck who finds out?
Me Lay Marston
Who are you?
Hawkeye I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually. This is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
[Trapper John grunts]
Hawkeye [Caught by the MPs]
Where did we fail?
I don't know, I think it was the woman. Something tells me I've seen her someplace before.
Hawkeye She was the one in Tangiers.
Trapper Painless Polish Day in the shower tent?
Hawkeye Walt Waldowski, the dentist.
Well, what, are those guys waiting to scrub his back or something?
Hawkeye No, no. Old Painless is what we call the, ah, "best equipped dentist in the army".
Surgeon
[as he walks away from the shower]
I'd dearly love to see that angry!
