Trapper John It's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse, otherwise they'd get rid of you quick.
Played by Elliott Gould 
MASH (1970) · 47 quotes
MASH (1970) · 47 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in MASH (1970): in 16 of its 47 quotes
Most scenes with: Hawkeye (9), Duke (5)
No. No food. Sex. I want sex. Bring me some sex. [The others call for Storch, but Trapper John points at Hot-Lips] No, no, no, that one. Bring me that one over there. That one. The sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off! I want that one, yes. Take her clothes off and bring her to me now.
More lines from Trapper John
3 quotes Trapper John Trapper John [As a helicopter attempts to land on the helipad where they are standing]
I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf.
Trapper John Well, you know, Man o' War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had, on an average, uh about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals every year. And he lived to be thirty-six. And then when he died, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen.
Scenes with Trapper John
12 scenes
Well, listen, uh, where were you when you were drafted? I was just curious.
Trapper John Back home. I told you before.
No, I mean, what were you doing? Were you, like, a resident, or on staff someplace?
Trapper John Mmm.
Where?
Trapper John Hospital.
Which hospital?
Trapper John Back home.
I don't know. I will ask. Is there some reason my friend should not know the name of the hospital?
[Trapper pops his gum and shrugs.]
There doesn't appear to be any reason. I've seen you somewhere before. I don't know your name, stranger, but your face is familiar. Have you always had that mustache?
Duke, did I ever tell you how Androscoggin College beat Dartmouth in a raging blizzard, six to nothing, because I intercepted a pass?
Yeah, you told me.
They had this great passer, see? [Trapper John shrugs, smiling] And we held them nothing-nothing till the last 20 seconds, and then snow and all, he let one go. And it went sailing... boom!
Trapper John Lucky your mouth wasn't open, it would have got stuck in your throat.
Oh, baby! How are you, Trapper John McIntyre?
Trapper John I thought you'd never remember.
Trapper John Painless Polish Day in the shower tent?
Walt Waldowski, the dentist.
Trapper John Well, what, are those guys waiting to scrub his back or something?
Trapper John I don't know. I must have lost my punch. I never expected the son of a bitch to get up!
Trapper John [Referring to Major Houlihan]
Well, what's the matter with her today?
Oh, I don't know. I think it's one of those ladies' things.
Trapper John It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch. Look at my new flannel-- I think she's going to have a nervous breakdown.
She can't even get out of the door.
[Frank Burns leaps over the mess table and tackles Hawkeye]
Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Trapper John Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac. I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!
[Gathered at Painless's suicide feast.]
Now then, y'all come here to say your final farewell to ol' Walt here.
Trapper John Farewell Walt.
Dear ol' Walt. You know, I got an idea that maybe it's not such a final farewell after all. I think maybe ol' Walt's going on into the unknown to do a little recon work for us all.
I just-- I just wanna say one thing. Uh, nobody ordered Walt to go on this mission. He volunteered for certain death.
That's true.
That's what we award our highest medals for.
That's beautiful.
That's what being a soldier is all about.
Trapper John Oh yeah.
Capt. Bandini Here! Here!
That man is a prisoner of war, Doctor.
Trapper John So are you, sweetheart, but you don't know it.
I'm kind of partial to blonde myself.
I knew it! I knew you had a-- had an attraction for Hot Lips Houlihan
Trapper John Here! Here!
Go to hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. Besides she's-- I'll bet she's not a real blonde.
How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army!
I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with 20 bucks, How's that?
You have yourself a bet, sir. [To Trapper John] You're my witness.
Trapper John I'll be your witness, but who's gonna be the poor schmuck who finds out?
Trapper John Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch. Ham and eggs will all right. Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.
Capt. Peterson
[Outraged]
Oh! [She turns to leave and bumps into Nurse] Oh! Fool! [She stomps off]
Nurse
How do you want your steak cooked?
Trapper John I don't know, I think it was the woman. Something tells me I've seen her someplace before.
She was the one in Tangiers.
Trapper Painless Polish Day in the shower tent?
Walt Waldowski, the dentist.
Trapper Well, what, are those guys waiting to scrub his back or something?
No, no. Old Painless is what we call the, ah, "best equipped dentist in the army".
Surgeon
[as he walks away from the shower]
I'd dearly love to see that angry!
