Capt. Bandini Something in a marshmallow?
Hawkeye
Donald Sutherland · 19 quotes
Trapper John
Elliott Gould · 16 quotes
Duke
Tom Skerritt · 8 quotes
Hot Lips
Sally Kellerman · 7 quotes
Col. Blake
Roger Bowen · 5 quotes
Painless
John Schuck · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Hawkeye & Trapper John (9), Hawkeye & Duke (5), Trapper John & Duke (5)
MASH quotes
Page 1 of 4 Capt. Bandini 
Capt. Murrhardt Painless is a dentist, and a dentist shouldn't read. That's his whole problem.
Cpl. Judson [Sung for Painless]
Suicide is painless / it brings on many changes / and I can take or leave it / if I please
Ho-Jon
Hawkeye? Duke say you better haul ass home quick. We got new chest cutter in our tent.
P.A. Announcement
Attention. Captain Banning - er, Captain Bandini. [Exhales forcefully] Attention. Captain Bandini is now performing a femoral pop-- a popli-- a p-- a femoral P-O-P-L-I-T-E-R-A-L artery expli - exp - - exploration and possible graft.
I'm kind of partial to blonde myself.
I knew it! I knew you had a-- had an attraction for Hot Lips Houlihan
Here! Here!
Go to hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. Besides she's-- I'll bet she's not a real blonde.
How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army!
I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with 20 bucks, How's that?
You have yourself a bet, sir. [To Trapper John] You're my witness.
I'll be your witness, but who's gonna be the poor schmuck who finds out?
Well, listen, uh, where were you when you were drafted? I was just curious.
Back home. I told you before.
No, I mean, what were you doing? Were you, like, a resident, or on staff someplace?
Mmm.
Where?
Hospital.
Which hospital?
Back home.
I don't know. I will ask. Is there some reason my friend should not know the name of the hospital?
[Trapper pops his gum and shrugs.]
There doesn't appear to be any reason. I've seen you somewhere before. I don't know your name, stranger, but your face is familiar. Have you always had that mustache?
Duke, did I ever tell you how Androscoggin College beat Dartmouth in a raging blizzard, six to nothing, because I intercepted a pass?
Yeah, you told me.
They had this great passer, see? [Trapper John shrugs, smiling] And we held them nothing-nothing till the last 20 seconds, and then snow and all, he let one go. And it went sailing... boom!
Lucky your mouth wasn't open, it would have got stuck in your throat.
Oh, baby! How are you, Trapper John McIntyre?
I thought you'd never remember.
Nurse, you got a clamp?
Lt. Dish Yes.
Scratch my nose.
[About Hawkeye]
I wonder how such a degenerated person ever reached a position of authority in the Army Medical Corps.
Father Mulcahy He was drafted.
That man is a prisoner of war, Doctor.
So are you, sweetheart, but you don't know it.
Me Lay Marston
Who are you?
I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually. This is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
[Trapper John grunts]
SSG Gorman [Repeated line]
Goddam Army...
Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch. Ham and eggs will all right. Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.
Capt. Peterson
[Outraged]
Oh! [She turns to leave and bumps into Nurse] Oh! Fool! [She stomps off]
Nurse
How do you want your steak cooked?
Painless Polish Day in the shower tent?
Walt Waldowski, the dentist.
Well, what, are those guys waiting to scrub his back or something?