Elliott Gould movie quotes

View Quote You guys are pros. The best. I'm sure you can make it out of the casino. Of course, lest we forget, once you're out the front door, you're still in the middle of the **** desert!

View Quote I know more about casino security than any man alive, I invented it, and it cannot be beaten. They got cameras, they got locks, they got watchers, they got timers, they got vaults, they got enough armed personnel to occupy Paris! [pause] Okay, bad example.

View Quote [after talking to Linus] It's nice there. You like it? [Linus says yeah] That's wonderful. Get in the goddamn house.

View Quote Philip Marlowe: Nobody cares but me.
Terry Lennox: Well that's you, Marlowe. You'll never learn, you're a born loser.
Philip Marlowe: Yeah, I even lost my cat.

View Quote Marty Augustine: Your friend was a murderer and a thief.
Philip Marlowe: That's a lie. I know he didn't kill her.
Marty Augustine: Let me tell you something else. It's a minor crime, to kill your wife. The major crime is that he stole my money. Your friend stole my money, and the penalty for that is capital punishment.

View Quote Det. Green: My, my, you are a pretty asshole.
Philip Marlowe: Yeah, my mother always tells me that.

View Quote Robert Caulfield: Somebody took a shot at me.
Walter Loughlin: When?
Robert Caulfield: Yesterday.
Walter Loughlin: Thank God I've got an alibi.

View Quote Robert Caulfield: You in charge here?
Albain: See that sign there?
Caulfield: Yes.
Albain: Well, read it.
Caulfield: I did.
Albain: Out loud.
Caulfield: A&A Crop Dusting Service.
Albain: You wanna know who I am?
Caulfield: I bet you're one of the A's.
Albain: But which one? I bet you can't answer that question, smart-ass.
Caulfield: The first one.
Albain: Wrong.
Caulfield: Can I have one more guess?
Albain: You got it.
Caulfield: The second one.
Albain: Wrong. I'm both of them. My name is AlBaine. Now, I got a son. You know, the other A was for him but he don't like to fly. He became a lawyer. I think he's a pervert so I took the A away from him. You want to speak to someone in charge, you're speaking to the both of them.
Caulfield: My name is Caulfield.
Albain: Hey, I can't help that.

View Quote Walter Loughlin: Listen to me and listen good. I don't like you, Caulfield. You're ambitious. You think the way to get ahead is to come up with the scoop of the century. Woodward and Bernstein were good reporters, that's how they did it. Not by telling me they've located Patty Hearst three times like you did or that brilliant piece of investigative journalism you pulled off by finding an eye witness to the second gunman in the Kennedy assassination. The small fact that the man had been in a mental institution at the time never deterred you, not 'Scoop' Caulfield. Now most reporters are like me. They are plodders. They spend a lot of their time checking little things... like facts. They cover mundane stories like wars and trials and hearings. You never seem to have enough time in your busy schedule to stoop so low as to cover a story. You occupy your time with tips from people who never existed. Driving your car into water and claiming it wasn't your fault. Getting shot at by unseen gunmen. Now I really hate to interrupt your meteoric career with something so plebeian as a legitimate story. However, a train load of propane gas had the bad taste to derail near Galveston and there's a whole town that just might blow up. So it would be just really peachy of you if you would join your film crew that's waiting for you on the plane at this very moment while we speak.
Robert Caulfield: That was some speech.
Loughlin: I thought so.

View Quote [ to Turk] Yeah, well I need to use the toilet otherwise I'm gonna shit on your shoes! C'mon Frank...

View Quote Are you having some telethon we don't know about?!

View Quote [Meeting a fortune teller, notices Benedict and his goons behind him] THIS? You couldn't see this?!

View Quote Murray: Derek, what are you trying to prove?

View Quote Murray: What are you doing Derek? This is your family.
Derek Vinyard: Right, my family, my family, so you know what? I don't give two shits about you or anybody else or what they think. You're not a part of it and you never will be.
Murray: That has nothing to do with it!
Derek Vinyard: Oh it doesn't? You don't think I see what you're trying to do here? You think I'm gonna sit here and smile while some **** **** tries to **** my mother? It's never gonna happen Murray, **** forget it, not on my watch, not while I'm still in this family. I will **** cut your Shylock nose off and stick it up your ass before I let that happen. Coming here and poison my family's dinner with your Jewish, ****-loving, hippie bullshit. **** you! **** you! Yeah, walk out, asshole, **** Cabala reading mother****er. Get the **** out of my house.[flashes swastica tattoo] see this, this means not welcome.

View Quote Murray: I don't have a personal problem with him! (Danny)
Bob Sweeney: Don't insult my intelligence, Murray! You hate this child, and I think I know why!
Murray: (closes the door) So I went out with his mother a few times. That was three years ago...it was nothing.
Bob Sweeney: Nothing. Really?
Murray: That paper, Bob--it's a travesty. Arguing for Hitler as a civil rights hero? You've got to draw the line.
Bob Sweeney: You know, Murray, you actually brought this upon yourself. You said the paper could be on any book that related to the struggle for human rights...in plain English. I am not disputing that the child is confused, and harbors some sick ideas, but I am not ready to give up on him yet.
Murray: His brother probably put him up to it.
Bob Sweeney: I guarantee you 100% his brother did not put him up to this.
Murray: Whatever...I find that hard to believe.