Is this some white ****s' joke that black ****s don't get? 'Cause I'm not **** laughing Nicholas (comically pronounced Nee-Cole-Us).
Eddie
16 quotes
Soap
Dexter Fletcher · 16 quotes
Tom
Jason Flemyng · 13 quotes
Bacon
Jason Statham · 12 quotes
Barry the Baptist
Lenny McLean · 12 quotes
Rory Breaker
Vas Blackwood · 11 quotes
Big Chris
Vinnie Jones · 5 quotes
Gary
Victor McGuire · 5 quotes
Dog
Frank Harper · 4 quotes
Nick the Greek
Stephen Marcus · 4 quotes
Winston
Steven Mackintosh · 4 quotes
Most scenes together: Tom & Soap (7), Eddie & Soap (5), Bacon & Soap (5)
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels quotes
Page 5 of 6It's a deal, it's a steal, it's a sale of the **** century! In fact, **** it, Nick, I think I'll keep it.
Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry. Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson, who worked for Harry. It was rumoured that he was on the take. Harry's invited Smithy round for explanation. Smithy didn't do a very good job. Within a minute, Harry's lost his rag. Reached out for the nearest thing at hand which happened to be a 15-inch black rubber ****. He's then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it. Now, that was seen as a pleasant way to go, hence, Hatchet Harry is the man you pay if you owe.
Listen to this one: You open a company called the Arse Tickler's ****s Fan Club. You take out an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, you sell it with, I dunno, "does what no other dildo can do until now", "the latest and greatest in sexual technology", "guaranteed results or your money back", all that bollocks. Now these dils cost twenty-five quid a pop - as a snip for the amount of pleasure they're gonna give the recipients. But they send their cheques to the other company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five quid. You take that twenty-five quid, you stick it in the bank until it clears. Now this is the smart bit - you send back the cheque for twenty-five pound from the other company name, "Arse Tickler's ****s Fan Club", saying we're sorry, we couldn't get the supplies from America because they ran out of stock. Now you see how many people cash that cheque - not a single soul, because who wants their bank manager to know they tickle arse when they're not paying cheques?
Lock, stock, the ****in' lot.
Mother! Brother! Any other sucker! They're still **** guns! And they still fire **** bullets!
Mr. Breaker. Today, my name is Mr. Breaker!
No mortgages, no debts – lock, stock, the **** lot.
No, **** that. You can think about it. I am panicking and I'm off.
Oi! Keep your fingers out of my soup!
Soap, stop being such a mincer.
The entire British Empire was built on cups of tea, and if you think I'm going to war without one, mate you're mistaken.
There's no money, there's no weed. It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses.
They're lacking in a criminal credibility, ain't they? I might get laughed at.
This white shite thinks he can steal my cannabis and sell it back to me? He's got less brains than you, Lenny! Get Nick, the greasy wop, shistos, pesevengi, gamouri Greek bastard, round here now, if he's still stupid enough to be on this planet!