Sloane quotes from Holidate (2020)

Sloane

Just rip it. Okay, just, just... You know? Just-just rip it. Just... just rip it. Just... just... RIP MY **** PANTS OFF! [doors open]

Sloane

Nobody drops Baby on her head.

Jackson

By the way, your tits look exceptional in that dress.

Sloane

Thanks. That's why I bought it.

Jackson

Oh, love the way it hugs your ass, too.

Sloane

That's really sweet of you to notice.

Sloane

When did Halloween go from dressing up like a princess to dressing up like a whore?

Oh, I dunno, like, sixth grade?

Daisy

What's a whore?

Um, somebody who gets paid to play with boys.

I wanna be a whore.

Daisy

Me, too.

Okay, but just remember that the house gets fifty per cent.

Elaine

Oh, well, I know the holidays can be stressful, but no man wants to marry a smoker... who lies.

Sloane

Well, no man wants a bitchy mother-in-law, so I guess that's three strikes.

Daisy

So, Aunt Sloane, why DIDN'T you call Rodney?

Sloane

Why didn't YOU call Rodney?

Daisy

Because I already have a boyfriend. His name is Levi, and he shares his juice box with me every day at recess.

Sloane

Well, good for you, Daisy. You enjoy it while you can, 'cause one day you are gonna walk outside and you're gonna catch Levi sharing his juice box with a Starbucks barista named Rainbow. Yeah. Not a good day, Daisy. It hurts. It hardens you. And the next thing you know, you're just south of thirty sitting at the kids table numbing the pain with a vodka.

Jackson

So I guess we might have...

Sloane

No, we didn't. [stands up]

Jackson

You're wearing my underwear.

Sloane

Well, that doesn't... mean anything. I... probably got cold in the night... after my... panties fell... off. [he spies panties, grabs them, and ducks behind a tall-backed chair to change]

Jackson

Ah, come on. You must be able to tell somehow.

Sloane

Tell how?

Jackson

I don't know. I don't have a vagina.

Sloane

Well, there's no forensic evidence, nothing's dried on my leg. There's no... wrapper on the floor, if that's what you're wondering. [throws his underwear at him]

Jackson

Okay.

Sloane

Can't YOU tell?

Jackson

I mean, he looks a little tired, but... I don't think he's really satisfied.

Sloane

I'm telling you we didn't do it. One of us would for sure be able to tell.

Jackson

Sweet. Let's go with that.

Elaine

I want you to find someone who has real potential, not this holidate crap like your aunt.

Sloane

She seems like she's having fun.

Elaine

She's gonna die alone in a wheelchair and a diaper. Is that what you want?

Sloane

Do I get a male nurse?

Jackson

I don't eat that crap. Do you know what that does to your body?

Sloane

Yeah. It fills me with warm, delicious happiness. Like Christmas used to, before I realized Santa was a big scam.

Jackson

Yeah. Christmas peaked for me at about ten. I got a surfboard and my first complete set of golf clubs.

Sloane

Hmm.

Jackson

It was good.

Sloane

My best Christmas... was a Barbie Dream House, preassembled, and a ventriloquist puppet named Lester. He looked like :Jaleel White.

Jackson

Hmm?

Sloane

I sort of had a thing for Urkel. I spent months learning to throw my voice.

Jackson

Well, come on, let's hear it.

Sloane

No.

Jackson

Excuse me. I bought you a free pretzel. So, you owe me an Urkel. Come on. Come on.

Sloane

Did I do that? Did I do that?

Jackson

Nice.

Jackson

Human beings aren't meant to be alone on the holidays. W-we actually need, you know, warmth, companionship, and someone to drunk-mock strangers with at parties.

Sloane

I do enjoy drunk-mocking strangers at parties

Jackson

Well, then, this is perfect. We can be each other's holidate for New Year's Eve.

Sloane

I don't even know you.

Jackson

Yeah, well, that's what makes it perfect. 'Cause there's no pressure. There's no expectations. I mean... I don't even think I find you that attractive.

Sloane

Wow! Calm down with the flattery.

Elaine

She doesn't need another friend. She needs a husband, a partner, someone who is legally bound to be there during the chemo.

Sloane

What chemo?

Elaine

Oh, honey, don't kid yourself. You have bad genes - and bald women don't really get a lot of dates.

Jackson

You have nothing to worry about, okay? Sloane is a great girl - even bald.

Elaine

Then why aren't you sleeping with her?

Jackson

I-I don't do drugs.

Sloane

And you call yourself a professional athlete?

Jackson

Hey, if it's any consolation, I spent my holiday in an ugly Christmas sweater sipping mocktails with a room full of people who I think were in a cult.

Sloane

I'll see your ugly Christmas sweater and raise you a seat at the kids table, my little brother getting engaged, and catching my aunt getting her cookie licked by a mall Santa.

Jackson

That's a... festive visual.

Sloane

Seared into my brain like a bad tattoo.

Elaine

This is what you wear to Christmas dinner? Don't you even own a dress?

Sloane

I'm great, Mom. Thanks. House looks... beautiful.

Elaine

Well, your Aunt Susan brought at-the-mall Santa home, and, uh, your nephew just pooped in the manger.

Ugh, it was a tiny poo. I mean, he moved the baby Jesus first.

Sloane

Thank you.

Jackson

Hmm.

Sloane

I owe you.

Jackson

That's better. Now, I'll take my hand job in the parking lot, thank you.

Sloane

Oh, a hand job. What are you, like, twelve?

Jackson

You gave hand jobs at twelve?

Sloane

I developed early.

Sloane

What is it about men and explosives?

All about the ****.

Liz

What do fireworks have to do with a man's... anatomy?

It's like... jacking off. Men LIVE for the orgasm. If they're not ****, they're dreamin' about ****... or blowin' stuff up. Next best thing to ****.

Sloane

So, Daisy, how are things with Levi the juice box king?

Daisy

We broke up.

Sloane

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Daisy

It's okay. He wasn't ready for a real relationship. I need someone who's gonna put ME first. Gotta go.

Sloane

Wow. She is in such great shape.