Adrian Cronauer quotes from Good Morning, Vietnam (1987)

Adrian Cronauer

Mantovani? They play Mantovani to insomniacs who don't respond to strong drugs!

Adrian Cronauer

Mayday! Mayday! Dragon lady with incredible figure at 11 o'clock. Stop the car.

Adrian Cronauer

Oh, Edward, Edward, you don't understand. I've been on a small Greek island with a lotta women who look like Zorba. I never thought I'd find women attractive ever again, and now that I do you won't even turn the car around? [scoffs] Thanks a lot.

Adrian Cronauer

Ed, are you always this happy?

Adrian Cronauer

My God, it's Mardi Gras, and I'm on the main float.

Adrian Cronauer

Goooooooood morning, Vietnam! Hey, this is not a test! This is rock-'n'-roll! Time to rock it from the Delta to the DMZ! Is that me, or does that sound like an Elvis Presley movie?

Adrian Cronauer

Hey, is it a little too early for being that loud? Hey, too late! It's 0600. What's the O stand for? "Oh my God, it's early!" Speaking of early, how about that Cro-Magnon Marty Drywitz. Thank you Marty for "Silky-smooth sound." Make me sound like Peggy Lee...

Adrian Cronauer

What is this "demilitarized zone?" What do they mean, "police action?" Sounds like a couple of cops in Brooklyn going, "Uh, she looks pretty to me."

Adrian Cronauer

Here's a little riddle for you. What's the difference between the army and the Cub Scouts? [Imitates buzzer] Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery!

Adrian Cronauer

How am I gonna get to first base with this girl?

Adrian Cronauer

The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today. What is a protective dike? Is that a large woman standing near the river going [in Butch voice] "Don't go near there!" [in Girly voice] "But Betty-" [in Butch voice] "Don't go near there! Get away from the river! Stay away from there." I know, we can't use the word "****." You can't even say "lesbian", it's "women in comfortable shoes." Thank you very much.

Adrian Cronauer

I just want to begin by saying to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt, what it is, what it shall be, what it was. The weather out there today is hot and shitty with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon roundup.

Adrian Cronauer

You know, you're very beautiful. You're also very quiet. And I'm not used to girls being that quiet unless they're medicated. Normally I go out with girls who talk so much you could hook them up to a wind turbine and they could power a small New Hampshire town.

Adrian Cronauer

Sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.

Adrian Cronauer

Hey, we're back. That last few seconds of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest hit single, "Walkin' In The Wind." And now, here are the headlines. Here they come at you right now. Pope actually found to be Jewish. Liberace is Anastasia, and Ethel Merman jams Russian radar. The East Germans, today, claimed that the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank. Also the Pope decided today to release Vatican-related bath products. An incredible thing, yes, it's the new Pope-on-a-Rope. That's right. Pope-on-a-Rope. Wash with it, go straight to heaven. Thank you.

Adrian Cronauer

Here's a news flash: Today President Lyndon Johnson passed a highway beautification bill. The bill basically said that his daughters could not drive in a convertible on public highways.

Adrian Cronauer

James! Nice, shiny green suit. You look like an Oriental leprechaun.

Adrian Cronauer

You're a very attractive man, Abersold. Don't think I haven't noticed.

Adrian Cronauer

I don't know. I may go downtown, look for a Vietnamese man named Phil. Or I may just stay here and listen to old Pat Boone records, try and find some hidden meaning-- 'cause basically I believe that that man is a misunderstood genius.

Adrian Cronauer

I'm saying I'm through, Ed. I'm tired of people tellin' me what I can't say. "This news isn't official." "That comment is too sarcastic." I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon, and there's a man who is screaming out to be made fun of. So, **** it.

Adrian Cronauer

Thank you. I think this fall, the discerning GI is gonna be wearing green in the jungle. Why? Because it matches with the green! The leaves, they fall upon the helmets, says yes to me.

Adrian Cronauer

You know, you're in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history.

Adrian Cronauer

Know about the bombing, Sparky. No wonder you hauled ass. You were my friend. I trusted you. You hear me?

Adrian Cronauer

It's unbelievable. Five months in Saigon and my best friend turns out to be a VC. THIS WILL NOT LOOK GOOD ON A RESUME!

Adrian Cronauer

Five months in Vietnam and my best friend is a V.C. THIS WILL NOT LOOK GOOD ON A RESUMÉ!

Garlick

I'm Private First Class Edward Montesque Garlick, at your service, sir.

Adrian

Well, first thing, Garlick, is you gotta requisition a new name.

Garlick

You're not supposed to address the general saying "hiya."

Adrian

What's that, a new rule?

Garlick

No, old rule.

Hauk

That's a joke, right?

Adrian

Maybe.

Hauk

I get it.

Dickerson

This is not military issue, Airman. What sort of uniform is that?

Adrian

Cretan camouflage. If you want to blend into a crowd of drunken Greeks there's nothing better.

Dickerson

That is humor. I recognize that. I also recognize your species of soldier. I had a guy like you in the field one time. He blew himself to pieces. But not before his humor cost the lives of three very fine individuals.

What's the demilitarized zone? It sounds like something out of the Wizard of Oz

Oh no don't go in there!

Ohhh wee ohh. Ho Chi Minh.

Oh look you've landed in Saigon. You're among the little people now.

We represent the ARVN army, the ARVN army. Oh no! Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail! Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail!

Oh! I'll get you my pretty!

Oh my God! It's the wicked Witch of the North! It's Hanoi Hannah!

Now, little GI, you and your little Toto too!

Adrian

We've got our traffic report up there on the Ho Chi Minh Trail. How's it going up there?

Adrian as Reporter

Well, Adrian, it's not going exactly well. There's a water buffalo jackknifed up there. It's not a very pretty picture, there's horns everywhere. I dunno what to say, we're gonna maybe drop in a little napalm there, try to cook him down, have a little barbecue.

Adrian as Camp Fashion Consultant

I want to tell you something. You know, this whole camouflage thing, for me, doesn't work very well.

Adrian

Why is that?

Adrian as Camp Fashion Consultant

Because you go in the jungle, I can't see you. You know, it's like wearing stripes and plaid. For me, I want to do something different. You know, you go in the jungle, make a statement. If you're going to fight, clash. You know what I mean?

Hauk

First of all, don't make fun of the weather here, and don't say the weather is the same all the time here, because it's not. In fact, it's two degrees colder today than yesterday.

Adrian

Two degrees colder? [gasps] Me without my muff.

Dickerson

What does three up and three down mean to you, Airman?

Adrian

End of an inning?

Adrian

Once again we've got our friend from military intelligence. Can you tell us what you've found out about the enemy since you've been here?

Adrian as Gomer

We found out that we can't find them. They're out there, and we're having a major difficulty in finding the enemy.

Adrian

Well, what do you use to look for them?

Adrian as Gomer

Well, we ask people, 'Are you the enemy? And whoever says yes, we shoot them. [Pause] It's very difficult to find a Vietnamese man named Charlie. They're all named Nyugen or Doh or things like that. It's very difficult for me.

Adrian

Is it true that you're actually-- that you're actually too close to some of the nerve agents they were testing?

Adrian as Gomer

Nerve... uh, gas?

Adrian

Yes, have you used any?

Adrian as Gomer

Well, once, yes, on myself. And it had no-- WOAH! WOAH! No effect on me. I've had no actual-- WOAH! SHE-HOO! WOAH! WOAH! Big dogs! Big dogs landing on my face!

Adrian

I don't know what that means.

Hauk

Where you do imagine you're going?

Adrian

Just gonna get a little something to eat.

Hauk

You don't have time. You'll stay here and drink instant beverages or something. We promised our listening audience Nixon highlights by 4 PM.

Adrian

I've been on the air for four hours. I'm a little hungry.

Hauk

That's a joke, right? I get it.

Adrian

Nooo, I'm actually hungry

Hauk

Well I'm actually giving you an order. [Walks out.]

Adrian

Oh it's an order. In that case gentlemen. Let's edit.

Therefore, there is no place for neutrality or a neutralist sentiment in South Vietnam. As I leave Vietnam today there is no doubt, certainly, in my mind that the Viet Cong will be defeated and this war will be won. Asia does involve, I think, very appropriately as you have suggested, give and take.

Adrian

Well I-- I really didn't make that suggestion, sir, I'm sorry.

The United States has no right to give--

Hauk

Why would Cronauer's voice be on this tape?

Abersold

I don't know, Lieutenant.

--territory to the communists.

Adrian

Mr. Nixon, thank you for that concise political commentary, but I think I'd like to delve into something slightly more personal for the men in the field. How would you describe your testicles?

That they're soft, and that they're shallow and they have no purpose.

Hauk

Oh, my God.

Adrian

What are you saying, sir?

Hauk

Oh, my God.

That they lack the physical strength.

Adrian

How would you describe your sex life with your wife Pat?

It is unexciting sometimes.

Adrian

Well, have you considered, possibly, a sex change. There is an operation that can transform you

Hauk

Please don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me.

Adrian

--into a female Great Dane or possibly a very well hung Chihuahua. Mr. Nixon, while you've been in Vietnam, its rumored that you've smoked marijuana. Are you planning to take some of the marijuana home back to the United States? How would you do that?

By plane. By helicopter and also by automobile.

Tuan

Yes. Come. We go.

Adrian

You sound like you leaned English from Tonto. "Come. We go." OK.

Censor #1

What do you think you're doing? You know you're forbidden to read anything not checked by this office.

Adrian

What's there to check? I was there.

Censor #1

Airman, you know the rules. If this is a legitimate news story, it must go through proper channels.

Adrian

Listen, Tweedledee, it's an actual event. [referring to the blood on his shirt] What do you think this came from? Shaving? It's the truth. I just want to report the truth. It'll be a nice change of pace.

Dickerson

What's going on here?

Adrian

Sir, will you listen to me?

Dickerson

This is not official news, airman. As far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen.

Adrian

It did happen.

Dickerson

You shut your mouth!

Adrian

What are you afraid of Dickerson? People might find out there's a war going on?

Dickerson

This news is not official.

Adrian

You want everyone going under the assumption it's perfectly safe here, don'tcha? Well, it's not. The fighting's not just in the hills, it's downtown. It's a couple of **** BLOCKS!

Dickerson

I SAID IT IS NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!

Adrian

I see your point. I'm sorry. I guess I get inside, hit these air conditioners, I get a little dizzy. Thanks for setting me straight.

Garlick

Gentlemen! Hey guys, guess who the hell I got in here.

Groucho Marx!

Senator Dirksen.

Curly!

Garlick

Come on. Come on, come on, come on! Guess again.

Adrian

Oh bag it, bag it, Garlick.

Garlick

The fellow I got in here is the gentleman, the one and the only

Adrian

Oh, you're a dead man.

Garlick

The king of the airwaves, Adrian Cronauer.

Adrian

Listen, I gave you my friendship, and my trust. And now they tell me that my best friend is the goddamn enemy.

Tuan

Enemy? What is enemy? You killing my own people so many miles from your home. We not the enemy. You the enemy.

Adrian

You used me to kill two people. Two **** people died in that **** bar.

Tuan

Big **** deal! My mother dead. And my older brother, who be 29 years old, he dead. Shot by Americans. My neighbor, dead. His wife, dead. Why? Because we're not human to them. We're only little Vietnamese. And I'm stupid enough to save your bullshit life at An Lac.

Adrian

Staggers the imagination.

Garlick

Makes me unique, doesn't it?

Adrian

What a plus.

Adrian

You could get in trouble for that.

Garlick

I requisitioned for a name change. Trouble is actually my new middle name.

Talk.

Adrian

These two behemoths were physically abusing a Vietnamese national. I thought since we're here to defend the c-

So you started a brawl, turned the place upside down- real intelligent solution. Do you have any idea how ridiculous it makes me look to have a man under my command start a **** bar brawl? [Pauses, glaring at Garlick, who is watching from another room. Garlick promptly disappears.] You're not gonna last long here, pal.

Adrian

You can always send me back to Crete.

Oh, you think this is a joke! I can come up with alternatives other than Crete- I'm real good at stuff like that. I got people stuck in places they haven't even considered how to get out of yet. You don't think I can come up with somethin' good? Can you envision some fairly unattractive alternatives?

Adrian

Not without slides.

A bar brawl, that's one, Cronauer. You better stay cool. You better not get involved in anything. You better not even come in range of anything that happens. Or your ass is grass and I'm a lawnmower. Am I being fairly clear?

Adrian

Yes, sir.

Sir! Do you see anything on this uniform indicating an officer? [Pointing to his rank insignia] What does three up and three down mean to you, Airman?

Adrian

End of an inning?

Sergeant Major. Now you get the hell out of here right now!

Censor #1

What do you think you're doing? You know you're forbidden to read anything not checked by this office.

Adrian

What's there to check? I was there.

Censor #1

Airman, you know the rules. If this is a legitimate news story, it must go through proper channels.

Adrian

Listen, Tweedledee, it's an actual event. [referring to the blood on his shirt] What do you think this came from? Shaving? It's the truth. I just want to report the truth. It'll be a nice change of pace.

What's going on here?

Adrian

Sir, will you listen to me?

This is not official news, Airman. As far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen.

Adrian

It did happen.

You shut your mouth!

Adrian

What are you afraid of Dickerson? People might find out there's a war going on?

This news is not official.

Adrian

You want everyone going under the assumption it's perfectly safe here, don'tcha? Well, it's not. The fighting's not just in the hills, it's downtown. It's a couple of **** BLOCKS!

I SAID IT IS NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!

Adrian

I see your point. I'm sorry. I guess I get inside, hit these air conditioners, I get a little dizzy. Thanks for setting me straight. I'll be okay.

Adrian

GOOOOOOOOD MORNING, VIETNAM! Hey, I know it's not the morning but it's my trademark and "Good Evening" sounds too depressing. Hey, we're going right now to the news. [imitates teletype machine breaking down] From England, today Princess Margaret threw a shoe! Easy Madge. Also, Queen Elizabeth, Elizabeth Taylor! She's still married after six months. Way to go Liz, yay. [silence] All right! In Saigon today, according to official sources, nothing actually happened. One thing that didn't actually happen was a bomb didn't officially explode at 1430 hours unofficially destroying Jimmy Wah's Cafe.

Get him out of there! [pounds the window as the Censor tries to open the locked door.]

Adrian

Three men were unofficially wounded and two men whose identities are still not known at this time were unofficially dead.

Censor #1

It's locked!

Well, break the goddamn door down!

Adrian

The police, ambulance and fire department responded, but believed to be unoffical at this present moment.

Turn the power off in this studio!

Phil

But sir--

TURN IT OFF NOW! [Phil shuts off the power]

Adrian

I just wanted to think that you should-- [sees that Dickerson cut off his broadcast. Adrian takes off his headset and pushes the mic away.]

Ten-hut.

At ease. [Turns to Adrian] Cronauer, I'm sorry as hell about this thing. Goddamnit, I like you, son. I like what you do. Most of all, I like what you've done for the men. [Pauses, glancing at SGM Dickerson] But fact's a fact. This could give the Army a black eye. I'm not gonna cover for you this time, son.

Adrian Cronauer

Sir- what about the show?

We'll handle it. I'm sorry, son.

A1C Adrian Cronauer

Why'd you do this?

I don't like your style, your politics or your sense of humor. I don't like what you say or how you say it. From now on the fighting men of Vietnam will hear exactly what they're supposed to hear. You're on a DC-8 out of Tan Sun Nhut Airport tomorrow morning- I recommend you pack quietly. That's all I have for you, Airman.

A1C Adrian Cronauer

You know? [SGM Dickerson looks up] You are in more dire need of a blowjob than any other white man in history.

Whoa, there, Dick. Put the brakes on. I wanted to wait until Airman had left to talk with you. Dick, I'm transferring you.

Transferring me, sir?

Mm-hmm.

Where to, sir?

You're goin' to Guam.

Guam, sir?! There's nothing goin' on in Guam! Why Guam?

Dick, I've covered for you a lot of times, 'cause I thought you was a little crazy. But you're not crazy, you're mean. And this is just radio.

"More dire need of a blowjob than any other white man in history". That's funny.