Lieutenant Hauk You know, it wouldn't kill you people to salute me once in a while.
Tied for 2nd most-quoted character in Good Morning, Vietnam (1987): in 13 of its 75 quotes
Most scenes with: Adrian Cronauer (4), Abersold (3)
I understand you're pretty funny as a DJ, and, well comedy is a kind of hobby of mine. Well, actually, it's a little more than just a hobby. Reader's Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes.
More lines from Lieutenant Hauk
5 quotes Lieutenant Hauk Lieutenant Hauk [To Adrian]
You are not funny. But you are a maniac, and you'd better start changing your life.
Lieutenant Hauk [About Adrian]
Sir, the man is a walking keg of dynamite.
Lieutenant Hauk And as far as polkas, they are a much maligned musical taste.
Lieutenant Hauk Sir, in my heart, I know I'm funny.
Scenes with Lieutenant Hauk
7 scenes Hauk That's a joke, right?
Maybe.
Hauk I get it.
Hauk First of all, don't make fun of the weather here, and don't say the weather is the same all the time here, because it's not. In fact, it's two degrees colder today than yesterday.
Two degrees colder? [gasps] Me without my muff.
Hauk Okay, who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?
Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but it turns out he won't come.
Hauk Why not?
He doesn't play police actions, just wars. Bob likes a big room, sir.
Hauk [The group laughs]
That is not funny!
How about if it escalated?
Hauk How about if what escalated?
The Vietnam conflict
Hauk The Vietnam conflict. We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big name comedian!
Hauk I would like to leave the room now.
Oh! Uh, yes, sir.
Hauk Where you do imagine you're going?
Just gonna get a little something to eat.
Hauk You don't have time. You'll stay here and drink instant beverages or something. We promised our listening audience Nixon highlights by 4 PM.
I've been on the air for four hours. I'm a little hungry.
Hauk That's a joke, right? I get it.
Nooo, I'm actually hungry
Hauk Well I'm actually giving you an order. [Walks out.]
Oh it's an order. In that case gentlemen. Let's edit.
Nixon
Therefore, there is no place for neutrality or a neutralist sentiment in South Vietnam. As I leave Vietnam today there is no doubt, certainly, in my mind that the Viet Cong will be defeated and this war will be won. Asia does involve, I think, very appropriately as you have suggested, give and take.
Well I-- I really didn't make that suggestion, sir, I'm sorry.
Nixon
The United States has no right to give--
Hauk Why would Cronauer's voice be on this tape?
I don't know, Lieutenant.
Nixon
--territory to the communists.
Mr. Nixon, thank you for that concise political commentary, but I think I'd like to delve into something slightly more personal for the men in the field. How would you describe your testicles?
Nixon
[Hauk turns to the radio in horror]
That they're soft, and that they're shallow and they have no purpose.
Hauk Oh, my God.
What are you saying, sir?
Hauk Oh, my God.
Nixon
That they lack the physical strength.
How would you describe your sex life with your wife Pat?
Nixon
It is unexciting sometimes.
Well, have you considered, possibly, a sex change. There is an operation that can transform you
Hauk Please don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me.
--into a female Great Dane or possibly a very well hung Chihuahua. Mr. Nixon, while you've been in Vietnam, its rumored that you've smoked marijuana. Are you planning to take some of the marijuana home back to the United States? How would you do that?
Nixon
By plane. By helicopter and also by automobile.
Hauk Sir, the man has got an irreverent tendency. He did a very off-color parody of former VP Nixon.
General
I thought it was hilarious.
Hauk Respectfully, sir, the former VP is a good man and a decent man.
General
Bullshit! I know Nixon personally. He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that would fertilize the Sinai. Why, I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch and I consider him a good, close, personal friend.
