Ernest P. Worrell I've never been inside a restaurant that doesn't have a drive-thru window before.
Tied for most-quoted character in Ernest Goes to Jail (1990): in 22 of its 42 quotes
Most scenes with: Warden Carmichael (15), Prison guard (5), Rubin Bartlett (4)
Real men are not intimidated by physical threats against their personal selves, and, ironically, neither am I.
More lines from Ernest P. Worrell
3 quotes Ernest P. Worrell
[To Nash's lawyer as he's being taken to the chair]
You pal, you're not getting anymore of my business!
Ernest P. Worrell Look, I'm not this guy Nash!
Scenes with Ernest P. Worrell
18 scenes
[Finds Rimshot in the trashcan]
What kind of person would throw away a perfectly good dog?
Ernest P. Worrell Mr. Poodle-Smurf is lucky to have me. One day, I'm gonna walk into his office and I'll say: 'Oscar Babe'.
Oscar Pendlesmythe
WHAT?
Ernest P. Worrell Oh good morning Mr. Poodle-Smurf, Puddle-Smit, Smiddle-Poot...
Oscar Pendlesmythe
Pendlesmythe, you idiot!
Ernest P. Worrell Did you hear the one about the three legged dog that walked into a bar and said, "I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my paw." (laughs then metal lid clings to his face)
Ernest, Ernest are you all right?
Ernest P. Worrell [After removing a metal lid that clung to his face, even though the lobster is still stuck to his face]: I recommend the lobster. (laughs)
Ernest P. Worrell Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think our table has any steak sauce!
Guard [Crossly]
Get up!
Ernest P. Worrell Oh, I'm sorry, where are my manners, I should have waited for the others!
Ernest P. Worrell I didn't order a grease ball.
Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow): [Thinking Ernest is Nash] Do you think you let me get near me after what you did to Ernest? He was the kindest man who was ever loved in my whole life?
Ernest P. Worrell Gee, Charlotte, I'm touched!
Ernest P. Worrell Where to?
To the row!
Ernest P. Worrell The row?
As in "death row"!
Ernest P. Worrell Death row? You mean like the chair?! ...The hot seat, dead meat, deep 6, it's over pal, you're outta here bub, the groundhog's are bringing you your mail, you're picking turnips with a step ladder, the no tomorrow row? That kind of row? Oh no. The row?
Not so fast!
Ernest P. Worrell [After being 'resurrected' by the electric chair and is stopped by Rubin Bartlett from leaving]: You better watch out Rubin. I'll zot you.
You're a dead man, Worrell.
Ernest P. Worrell Very well. You know I am Ernest P. Worrell, electro-man. [His electrical flux fails and several metal things stop clinging and fall off his body] A-hih-heh-hih-hih! You know, you have a classic Greek profile.
Come on, Lyle, we gotta get rid of this guy before he blows the whole thing!
Ernest P. Worrell (gasps)
I've been vandalized...By Elvis!
[Suddenly after Ernest go gets changed we then go to the car that got a flat tire]
I can't believe it! I can't believe it! First, Ernest, and now this! I'm acting like a victim, I need to tell Ernest, exactly how I feel, and I need to do that right now while I'm still mad!
Ernest P. Worrell [After drying himself off with his body dryer and checking the circuit board]: Oh, there's my problem right there. This wire's got a little sh...
[Gets electricuted]
Ernest P. Worrell ...short in it.
[A metal comb clings to his vest]
Ernest P. Worrell Gosh, not again.
[Ernest and the crew he's with are being forced to go into a jail cell, and Ernest is mistaking the prison he's in for his jury "accommodations"]
Ernest P. Worrell We're sequestered. And on top of that we can't even leave! Oh, this is great. This is just great.
[The prison guard comes up from behind him and hits him]
Ernest P. Worrell I hope you've got a good story to tell my boss! After all, I do have a living to earn.
Now look, Nash...
Ernest P. Worrell My name is Worrel. Ernest P. Worrel.
Oh, Mister Funny-Man, huh? Yeah, Mister Funny-Man. You'll think funny when you're tapping to the tune of 2-20, son!
[Throws him into his cell]
Ernest P. Worrell [Remarking to his cell-mates]: That is the rudest bailiff I have ever seen in my life.
[Note: One person mentioned isn't a separate character; instead, it's a role played by a character. "Auntie Nelda" refers to Ernest dressed up as an elderly woman to try and fool the gate guard.]
Ernest P. Worrell You see that guy?
Yeah, so?
Ernest P. Worrell He's not on the jury duty, because this man is a prisoner!
Ugh! I oughta throw in the hole for that Nash!
Ernest P. Worrell The hole?
Yeah! The hole!
Ernest P. Worrell The hole like, like in "Solitare the Hole" Like, in a real prison? Like in real, really, really, really, really real prison? The hoose-gow, the slammer, the joint, Alcatraz, San Quentin, Sing Sing, Oh no. I'm in... I'm in... jaaaaaaaaaa-jail-jail-jail!
(laughs sternly)
[Note: The three ["jail"]'s following his yelling refers to echoes that are heard after the camera has panned far out.]
Rubin Bartlett: [Thinking Ernest is Nash] Did you miss me, Mister Nash?
Cell Guard
Close C-12!
Ernest P. Worrell You, you know I'm not Nash!
Of course you are! Ernest!
Ernest P. Worrell So, it's come to this. A pointless, miserable end to a shallow, meaningless life. But it's as it should be. It's the hand I've been dealt, and I have to play it as it lays. Oh, I'm not going to cry because life's thrown me a curve. I'm not going to whine because I got mashed potatoes when French fries is what I really wanted. It's time for me to step up to the plate, belly up to the bar! It's time for me to look fate square in the eye, flare my nostrils, breathe life's last breath! It's time for me to lie down with lions so I can soar with the eagles! All right! I'm ready! Come and get me! Let's do it!
Come on Nash, it's time!
Ernest P. Worrell Oh, oh. I don't wanna die!
Ernest P. Worrell Peter Pan, eat your heart out! (hums)
Here, have a seat! [Throws a chair at Ernest]
Nash, lawyer's got somethin' to tell you.
Rubin's attorney: I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Mr. Nash. Our last appeal was turned down. It was our final hope. I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do.
Come on, Nash. Let's go.
Ernest P. Worrell Go? Go where?
You're goin' to the row.
Ernest P. Worrell The row? What row?
As in "death", you know, "death row."
Ernest P. Worrell Oh, well, I... [realizes what they're talking about] Death row? You mean like the chair?! The hot seat? Dead meat, deep 6, it's over pal, you're outta here bub, the groundhog's are bringing you your mail, you're picking turnips with a step ladder? Like, the no-tomorrow row? That kind of row? Oh no! The row?! You gotta tell him who I am, fellas! [Rubin exchanges looks with his lawyer] I'm Ernest P. Worrell! I'm not Nash, I'm Ernest!
Zip it up, Nash. [turns to the guards] Get him outta here.
Ernest P. Worrell [the guards begin dragging Ernest from his cell to death row]
Warden, you're gonna feel terrible when you find out what a big mistake you made. And, you, pal, you're not getting any more of my business. I'm not Nash, I tell you, I'm Ernest! I'm Ernest P. Worrell!
Ernest P. Worrell [Ernest and the crew he's with are being forced to go into a jail cell, and Ernest is mistaking the prison he's in for his jury "accommodations"]
We're sequestered. And on top of that we can't even leave! Oh, this is great. This is just great.
Ernest P. Worrell [The prison guard comes up from behind him and grabs him by his collar]
I hope you've got a good story to tell my boss! After all, I do have a living to earn.
Ernest P. Worrell My name is Worrell. Ernest P. Worrell.
Oh, Mr. Funny-Man, huh? Yeah, Mr. Funny-Man. You'll think funny when you're tapping to the tune of 2-20, son!
Ernest P. Worrell [Throws him into his cell] [Remarking to his cell-mates]
That is the rudest bailiff I have ever seen in my life. [Lyle throws Ernest against the bars of the cell] Wait a minute. [bangs his head against the bars and recognizes Lyle] You're that guy! [yells to the guard] Bailiff! Bailiff! [to Lyle] You're in big trouble now, pal. Bailiff!
Ernest P. Worrell You see that guy?
Yeah, so?
Ernest P. Worrell No, I mean look... look at him. [bangs the guard's head against the bars] Come closer. Look. You see that guy? He's not on the jury. This man is a prisoner!
Ugh! I oughta throw you in the hole for that, Nash!
Ernest P. Worrell The hole?
Yeah, the hole! [walks off]
Ernest P. Worrell [shocked]
The hole like... like in solitary, the hole? Like, in real prison? Like in real, really, really, really, really real prison? The hoose-gow, the slammer, the joint, Alcatraz, San Quentin, Sing Sing... [horrified] Oh no! I'm in... I'm in... [echos] JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!!!!!
(laughs sternly)
Nash, take it like a man.
Ernest P. Worrell But I'm not Nash, I'm Ernest. And what is an Ernest you may ask? A man with a past both rich in history and tradition. Should we punish this man for crimes he did not commit? No, no, no, no, no.
Can't you speed things up?
Okay, okay!
Ernest P. Worrell Such a man should be set free. [Ernest sits on the electric chair and gets electrocuted]
(all the people become shocked when Ernest was a magnet)
Hit the alarm! Run for it!
(alarm sounds)
Not so fast!
Ernest P. Worrell [After being 'resurrected' by the electric chair and is stopped by Rubin from leaving]
You better watch out Rubin. I'll zot you.
You're a dead man, Worrell.
Ernest P. Worrell Very well. You asked for it. After all, I am Ernest P. Worrell, electro-man. [His electrical flux fails and several metal things stop clinging and fall off his body] A-hih-heh-hih-hih! Did I ever tell you that you really have a classic Greek profile?
Shut up.
Lyle Let him go.
Ernest P. Worrell Lyle! You talk! That's great!
Have you flipped? Come on, we've got to get rid of this guy before he blows the whole thing!
Lyle No, he's different than us!
Shut up and get out of my way! [Lyle knocks him to the ground unconscious]
Lyle You better go. Mr. Nash is probably robbing the bank right now.
Ernest P. Worrell Nash? Well, come with me.
Lyle I don't belong out there. I got a place in here.
Ernest P. Worrell Well, I'm gonna miss you, big buddy.
Lyle Ernest, things won't be the same without you. You know what I mean?
Ernest P. Worrell I believe anyone does. So long, Lyle. I'll send you a cake. I'm coming, Charlotte!
