Steve
2 billion gifts delivered, and we didn't leave a footprint in the snow. And now...
Arthur Christmas quotes
Page 1 of 4 Steve
Arthur
[parachuting away, to Grandsanta]
Happy Christmas!
Grandsanta
In Santa we believe! [to Bryony] Go on, elf, you too!
Bryony
[she kisses Grandsanta in the cheek, as if to say, "Thank you", then jumps off]
Hi-yah!
Chief De Silva
[amplified through drone]
Fire missiles. [drone prepares to launch its missiles]
Grandsanta
[prepares to abandon Evie, to his old reindeer]
This is it, old fella! Maybe the next Santa never sat in my Evie, but Arthur did, and he's as good a man as any Santa there's ever been! [releases the reindeer and stands on the top of Evie as missiles head towards it, saluting] Goodbye, Evie. [jumps off at the last second as the missiles destroy the sleigh]
Chief De Silva
Good work everyone. You just saved Christmas!
Arthur
It just can't be. It can't. It just can't be. It j-just CAN'T BE! Oh... [accidentally knocks over a snow globe]
Grandsanta
[having overheard the commotion]
What's all this kadoodle, young man?
Arthur
Grandsanta, it's this little girl, she's been missed!
Grandsanta
HA! So much for your brother's fancy-pants technology!
Arthur
Steve and Dad racked their brains but said it's impossible.
Grandsanta
Is it now? Missed a child? Dear, oh dear. Sends shivers down me shins.
Arthur
In two hours, she's gonna wake up, tear downstairs, search under the tree, and... that look on her face. [frowns sadly] But there's nothing there. She won't understand. She'll think she's the one kid on the whole world that Santa doesn't care about. She'll feel so... left out. [straightens the portrait of him sitting on Malcolm's lap] On Christmas night, he comes. Gwen can't not have a present from Santa!
Grandsanta
Do you know, Arthur, there is a way.
Arthur
It's impossible.
Grandsanta
They used to say it was impossible to teach women to read. Follow me.
Bryony
When you put the address in the HOHO, what did you see?
Arthur
[realizing they are in Mexico after seeing a poster saying, "El Burrito de Mexico" and everything written in Spanish]
A list of Trelews. I just clicked on the first one!
Bryony
Which was not Trelew, England! We're in the wrong Trelew!
Chief de Silva
Friends, on this night of peace, we stand confronted by an unknown danger: aliens. Aliens from space.
Ernie
Look, everyone, it's Arthur! He's delivering the present!
Grandsanta
[hides in the back seat of the sleigh from the authorities at the wrong Trelew]
It's like that terrible night all over again!
Arthur
What night?
Grandsanta
The last time I took Evie out for a spin! I didn't know it was the Cuban Missile Crisis! I nearly started World War III!
Grandsanta
[referring to Steve]
Tell him I'm not here!
Bryony
Grandsanta says he's not here.
Steve
Hi, I'm looking for a missing relic.
Grandsanta
Steve, 3 words.
Steve
Is the first one "help"?
Arthur
Yes. You can help us, Steve!
Grandsanta
It was him! Frosty the Madman, he forced me to come! [to Bryony] Elf, back me up if you want a career.
Arthur
I forced you?
Grandsanta
Ya see?! Look!
Steve
What did you want, Grandsanta? Let me guess. Hmm, a picture of you in the sleigh delivering the gift to show me how it's really done?
Grandsanta
[puts away camera]
No.
Steve
You know the picture they'll have tomorrow? You lead away in handcuffs! The Santa who was seen by everybody on Earth. The Santa who ruined Christmas.
Peter
[tauntingly]
Ruined it!
Grandsanta
We'll fix this, Steve. We'll be back home in a wobble of a reindeer's buttocks. A-And Evie can go back in mothballs. You can forget she ever existed.
Arthur
You can't just go home! [pulls away the reins] What about Gwen?!
Steve
Gwen? For that you'd threaten my whole operation?
Arthur
Steve, you said if there was any way to get there, you would. Well, this is it! Look, the old sleigh's perfect! [a piece broke off of Evie] Oh, right. Well, anyway, it goes really fast, even with bits missing, and we've got quite a few reindeer left. And if I'm sick again, I can be sick in a bag.
Bryony
I'll wrap him one!
Elf 1
We can help them, sir!
Elf 2
No one missed, sir!
Elf 3
All correct presents, present and correct, sir!
Arthur
[the elves set up to deliver Gwen's present]
If you'd help us, Steve, we can do it.
Elf 4
[Steve considers helping Arthur and Grandsanta while Peter offers him a drink]
Grandsanta and Arthur would be the heroes of the night, sir! [Peter drops the drink in shock]
Steve
[quickly]
Come home now! If we all just gave in to Christmas spirit, there'd be chaos.
Grandsanta
[pulls the reins toward him]
We're on our way, Steve!
Arthur
[pulls the reins away again]
NO! Santa would want us to get to Gwen. Ask him! Please!
Steve
Arthur, this is Dad we're talking about. There was a time when he cared about every last gift tag, but now he just wants to be loved and get some rest.
Arthur
No! He's-He's lying awake, worrying his beard off about Gwen.
Santa
[Steve presses a button on his HOHO, revealing a voicemail] [in the voicemail]
Ho-ho-ho! Off to the land of nod. Please do not disturb until December 26. Is that it, dear?
Margaret
[in the voicemail]
Yes, Malcolm. Press the red... [the voicemail ends]
Arthur
[after learning Santa has gone to bed without caring about Gwen]
No. Santa's the most caring man in the world!
Bryony
Then why are you here, not him?
Grandsanta
[Grandsanta pulls the reins really hard, causing Evie and the remaining reindeer to turn upside down, and then he, his pet reindeer, Bryony, and Arthur fall down onto a deserted island and Gwen's gift falls near Arthur, who walks away in disappointment]
Don't leave me, Arthur! Poor old man and his reindeer on our own at Christmas? At least have the decency to finish us off with a rock!
[Arthur stops, and then walks away again]
Grandsanta
[to Arthur, while looking up at the night sky, being unsure if Arthur can get the sleigh back, and holding a ribbon and anchor]
You? Up there? Catch that with this?
Arthur
[to Bryony]
Magic dust.
Bryony
[hands the magic dust to Arthur]
You crack it over your head. You'll have to focus. The sleigh will be coming at you at 45,000 miles an hour.
Arthur
45,000 miles an hour?!
Grandsanta
You'll be torn in half!
Bryony
Depends on the angle the sleigh hits. You might just get beheaded.
Arthur
[scared and anxious]
I've got a phobia of being beheaded and heights and speed and reindeer and... buttons.
Bryony
[confused]
Buttons?
Arthur
Yeah, I'm pretty much scared of everything. [to himself] Gwen thinks you are coming. You can't do this. Yes, you can! No, you can't. Yes, you can! Come on, Arthur!
Grandsanta
Don't worry. Only a raving lunatic--
Arthur
I have to worry! It's the only thing I'm good at! [gets an idea] Worry me.
Bryony
The sleigh will be back any minute!
Arthur
Come on. Worry me, quickly!
Grandsanta
[starts to "worry" Arthur]
I-Imagine Gwen all alone, nothing under the tree.
Arthur
Here we go. [cracks the magic dust over his head and begins to panic as he rises up into the air while holding onto the anchor and ribbon] No! I don't like this! Stop! Get me down!
Grandsanta
The tears as she finds she's been left out!
Bryony
Screaming, "Santa didn't come!"
Arthur
Oh, Gwen... [begins to panic again] NOO! IT'S JUST TOO HIGH!
Bryony
Gwen in the street, surrounded by kids on new bikes, pointing: "THAT'S THE GIRL THAT SANTA HATES!" She runs away, alcoholic by the age of 9, DEAD BEFORE SHE'S EVEN...!
Grandsanta
[quickly covers Bryony's mouth]
She may never build a snowman again!
Arthur
WHAT IF THERE ARE BUTTONS ON THE SLEIGH I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?!
Bryony
Here it is!
Arthur
[just then, the reindeer and the sleigh, still upside down, rapidly approach Arthur, who braces himself. He hooks the anchor to the sleigh and gets pulled along. Grandsanta and Bryony are left in an awkward silence] [holds onto the ribbon behind the sleigh for dear life]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Bryony
[cut back to the boat]
How do you think he's, uh...?
Grandsanta
Fine, fine. Probably just, uh...
Bryony
[the scene cuts to Arthur facing one of the reindeer and trying to get to the sleigh while being careful, then back to Grandsanta whistling "Good King Wenceslas"]
So... how come they didn't scrap the sleigh, sir?
Grandsanta
I threatened the elves. Said I'd feed 'em to the polar bears. [Bryony awkwardly looks away]
Grandsanta
[the scene cuts once again to Arthur trying to balance and get past the reindeer in order to get to the sleigh and then back again]
Elf, how do you fancy being the one to tell his parents about all this? [Bryony looks horrified at the thought]
Grandsanta
Christmas has gone right down the rodney hole. [points at Steve and refers to the S-1] You're a postman with a spaceship!
Steve
My S-1 festivized the world at 1,860 times the speed of sound!
Grandsanta
Christmas 1941, World War II, I did the whole thing with 6 reindeer and a drunken elf! [Steve sits back down] I was shot at, Arthur. Took 12 direct hits, lost 3 reindeer.
Arthur
What happened to the elf?
Grandsanta
Fell out of the sleigh over Lake Geneva. Never saw him again.
Grandsanta
We've got to get you down there, lad!
Arthur
They'll see us! We'll be stopped!
Grandsanta
[takes Arthur's slipper]
Give me that!
Arthur
What are you doing?
Grandsanta
It's Evie they're after. She doesn't fit this world, Arthur. She's a relic.
Arthur
[surprised]
Evie?!
Grandsanta
I always knew she'd be needed one more time. You go on! We'll let them have her.
Bryony
You're coming too?
Grandsanta
You were right, Arthur. It doesn't matter how Santa's gift gets there. [referring to Steve and the S-1] Doesn't even matter if it's Mr. Postman in his spaceship.
Arthur
[smiles with confidence]
As long as it gets there.
Grandsanta
You made it happen, lad. No one got left out. [Arthur hugs him, laughing] Get off! Now, do as I say.
Peter
[after learning about Arthur being the new Santa]
You know, I've always liked Arthur. Ya think he likes espresso?
Santa
[Santa, Margaret, and Steve have arrived in Trelew, Mexico on the S-1]
Out with the old, in with the new.
Margaret
[holding Santa's hand]
Well done, dear.
Santa
[back on the Bridge of the S-1 as Steve has gone to give who he thinks is Gwen what is believed to be another version of the bike]
Poor Arthur. He tried so hard. He's flunked again.
Margaret
Of course he hasn't, dear. We're here. The little girl will get her present. I think he's done rather splendidly.
Santa
[exclaiming]
My Margaret.
Steve
[rings the doorbell, the door opens and a young boy appears]
Good morning, Gwen. Ho, ho, et cetera. Apologies for the minor delay. I'm sure that even a child can understand that in an operation as complex as Christmas, there's always an insignificant margin of error, which is you. As a gesture, I've upgraded you to the... [reveals a big purple hi-tech bicycle] ...Glamorfast Ultra X-3, which retails at $9.99 more than your requested gift. Bigger, ergo better. If you wouldn't mind just signing a legal waver? [attempts to give Pedro the HOHO with a pen for him to sign]
Pedro
[confused]
No le entiendo señor! Soy Pedro! [I don't understand sir. I am Pedro!]
Steve
P-Pedro? A boy?
Pedro
¿Quien es usted? [Who are you?]
Steve
A Spanish boy? This is an error. No hablo Español. [I don't speak Spanish] [snatches the bike off Pedro] Now get off the bike. [Pedro and Steve start fighting, Pedro starts weeping and wailing in a tantrum, Santa and Margaret back up on the S-1's bridge can see the commotion on the S-1's Steve-cam] Will you get...? No, no, no. Please don't cry. No cry-o. No, uh, "sob-idad". Uh...
Santa
Alright, um... 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew. [the S-1's rocks and oxygen masks are knocked out]
Margaret
Really, Malcolm, there's no harm in using a manual. Men.
Santa
Margaret, I order you to disembark. It's not safe. [he makes the S-1 rock again]
Margaret
Piffle. I did a microlight flying course on the Internet. [she stabilizes the S-1] It can't be that different.
Santa
[the doors open to reveal an angry Steve]
Oh. Steve.
Steve
[the S-1 rocks with him in it]
You've dented it! You take it out without asking?
Margaret
Malcolm, you told me he knew. You know how Steve feels about his S-1.
Santa
[as he makes the S-1 rock twice]
It's my S-1. S for "Santa". I'm flying to this child.
Steve
Of course she's all that matters, not me, your son! Not the 2 billion things I did right tonight, no!
Santa
[awkward silence]
This is about that pool table, isn't it? I told you; you should have written to me!
Steve
I was 8! You're my dad!
Margaret
For goodness' sake! [stomps her thermos] Arthur and Grandsanta are out there, probably not wearing nearly enough layers, and you 2 are bickering over a big red toy?!
Santa
I-I'm not bickering. If Steven could just stand back... [the airbag blows on him]
S-1 Computer
Air bag.
Santa
[the air bag slowly deflates, and Santa stands up and faces Steve] [sadly]
You drive, Steven. [sits down]
Steve
Thank you. [stabilizes the S-1 and puts on a pair of gloves] So, since gift delivery to child 47785BXK is all that seems to matter, I'll do it myself. Then we'll pick up Arthur and Grandsanta from whatever ditch they've ended up in.
S-1 Computer
Maximum thrust. [the S-1 sinks to launch]
Santa
Dear Arthur, what a puzzle.