Steve quotes from Arthur Christmas (2011)

View Quote This is Germany, Father. They drive on the right. National dish, sausage. Okay, let's show them, people. Operation: Santa Claus is Coming to Town!

View Quote How many times, Arthur? It's the North Pole. [turns around and walks away] Shut the doors!

View Quote 2 billion gifts delivered, and we didn't leave a footprint in the snow. And now...

View Quote [at the house in Trelew, Mexico; the same one where Grand-Santa, Arthur and Bryony accidentally went previously] Good morning, Gwen. Ho, et cetera. Apologies for the minor delay. I'm sure that even a child can understand that in an operation as complex as Christmas, there's always an insignificant margin of error. Which is you! As a gesture, I've upgraded you to the GlamourFast Ultra X3, which retails at $9.99, more than your requested gift. Bigger, ergo better. If you wouldn't mind just signing a legal waiver? [Pedro: [confused] No lo entiendo, Señor. Soy Pedro.] P-Pedro? A boy? [Pedro: Quién es usted?] A Spanish boy?!

View Quote Grandsanta: [referring to Steve] Tell him I'm not here!
Bryony: Grandsanta says he's not here.
Steve: Hi, I'm looking for a missing relic.
Grandsanta: Steve, 3 words.
Steve: Is the first one "help"?
Arthur: Yes. You can help us, Steve!
Grandsanta: It was him! Frosty the Madman, he forced me to come! [to Bryony] Elf, back me up if you want a career.
Arthur: I forced you?
Grandsanta: Ya see?! Look!
Steve: What did you want, Grandsanta? Let me guess. Hmm, a picture of you in the sleigh delivering the gift to show me how it's really done?
Grandsanta: [puts away camera] No.
Steve: You know the picture they'll have tomorrow? You lead away in handcuffs! The Santa who was seen by everybody on Earth. The Santa who ruined Christmas.
Peter: [tauntingly] Ruined it!
Grandsanta: We'll fix this, Steve. We'll be back home in a wobble of a reindeer's buttocks. A-And Evie can go back in mothballs. You can forget she ever existed.
Arthur: You can't just go home! [pulls away the reins] What about Gwen?!
Steve: Gwen? For that you'd threaten my whole operation?
Arthur: Steve, you said if there was any way to get there, you would. Well, this is it! Look, the old sleigh's perfect! [a piece broke off of Evie] Oh, right. Well, anyway, it goes really fast, even with bits missing, and we've got quite a few reindeer left. And if I'm sick again, I can be sick in a bag.
Bryony: I'll wrap him one!
Elf 1: We can help them, sir!
Elf 2: No one missed, sir!
Elf 3: All correct presents, present and correct, sir!
[the elves set up to deliver Gwen's present]
Arthur: If you'd help us, Steve, we can do it.
[Steve considers helping Arthur and Grandsanta while Peter offers him a drink]
Elf 4: Grandsanta and Arthur would be the heroes of the night, sir! [Peter drops the drink in shock]
Steve: [quickly] Come home now! If we all just gave in to Christmas spirit, there'd be chaos.
Grandsanta: [pulls the reins toward him] We're on our way, Steve!
Arthur: [pulls the reins away again] NO! Santa would want us to get to Gwen. Ask him! Please!
Steve: Arthur, this is Dad we're talking about. There was a time when he cared about every last gift tag, but now he just wants to be loved and get some rest.
Arthur: No! He's-He's lying awake, worrying his beard off about Gwen.
[Steve presses a button on his HOHO, revealing a voicemail]
Santa: [in the voicemail] Ho-ho-ho! Off to the land of nod. Please do not disturb until December 26. Is that it, dear?
Margaret: [in the voicemail] Yes, Malcolm. Press the red... [the voicemail ends]
Arthur: [after learning Santa has gone to bed without caring about Gwen] No. Santa's the most caring man in the world!
Bryony: Then why are you here, not him?
[Grandsanta pulls the reins really hard, causing Evie and the remaining reindeer to turn upside down, and then he, his pet reindeer, Bryony, and Arthur fall down onto a deserted island and Gwen's gift falls near Arthur, who walks away in disappointment]
Grandsanta: Don't leave me, Arthur! Poor old man and his reindeer on our own at Christmas? At least have the decency to finish us off with a rock!
[Arthur stops, and then walks away again]

View Quote [Santa, Steve and Grandsanta argue over who is the real Santa and gets to deliver the present]
Steve: [grabs the present] Gimme that! [Grandsanta grabs it too] I'm Santa! I'm delivering it!
Grandsanta: Don't be silly. I'm Santa! Can't you see from me suit?
Santa: I am actually Santa, and I think it would best if...
Steve: [interrupts Santa] I'm Santa! You handed over!
Santa: I didn't, in fact. Technically...
Steve: [interrupts Santa again] You said I could drive!
Grandsanta: I am Santa, you naughty boys. Here, have a bonbon.
Arthur: [interrupts them as Gwen wakes up] Ssssssshhhhh...!
Gwen: [offscreen] It's Christmas!
Arthur: Please! Gwen just has to have a present from Santa.
Santa: [hands Arthur the present] You do it, Arthur.

View Quote [Steve accidentally delivers the new gift to the wrong child in Mexico rather than England]
Steve: [enters the S-1] Okay, so I'm not great with children. Does that make me a bad Santa? You're hardly perfect. Let me guess: You put in the address, saw a list of Trelews and clicked on the first one? You're just like Arthur!
Santa: [stunned] Am I?
Computer: North Pole incoming.
Elf 1: Sir the soldiers have shot the sleigh! [Margaret gasps]
Elf 2: But sir, it's Arthur! He's still going!
[the elves chant for Arthur, who is still riding Gwen's bike to her house]
Santa: [amazed] Arthur?

View Quote [Grandsanta, Malcolm and Steve start to leave while Arthur turns back to watch Gwen open her gift]
Arthur: Dad, wait! Please, let's... [gestures to the door]
Santa: [joins Arthur] Oh. In all my years, I've never actually... Always so busy. [Steve comes up beside them] Too busy. I'm not good at... [pats his sons on the back, they both look at him] In my day, a pat on the back and a walnut went a long way.
Gwen: Come on! It's downstairs! [she runs down the stairs] I think it's under the tree. [her parents follow, she tears the wrapping] I can see pink. [Santa, Grandsanta, Steve and Arthur watch as Gwen opens her present] It's a BIKE! Santa brought me the bike I wanted! Can I have a go? Please, please, please?
[Santa looks from the beaming Arthur to Steve]
Santa: Steve, you deserve to be Santa. [Steve gasps and looks at the Santa figure Arthur earlier gave him] But Steve, I wonder... if Gwen is right. [looks at Arthur]
Gwen: [as she rides her bike] Careful, I'm gonna bump into you!
Steve: [considers for a moment then holds out the figure to Arthur] I'll be the candle, eh? [Arthur gasps as he realizes the implications]
Grandsanta: [quietly] Whoppee!
Santa: You're better men than... [sniffles] Both of you.
Gwen: A bike and... a squirrel?! Oh! [the squirrel runs away]
[The Clauses exit the house, and Bryony picks up Steve's dropped HOHO to report in]
Bryony: Drop complete! [the number of children without a gift changes from 1 to 0] And we have a new Santa! [pans the HOHO to show Arthur climbing out the window. Everyone cheers]

View Quote Steve: [watches the footage of Grandsanta and Arthur departing the North Pole aboard Evie] The old sleigh? What is happening here?! It was supposed to be chopped up for firewood decades ago. How on earth did that devious...?
Peter: [interrupts Steve] Old people, sir. Shall I get you your stress ball?
Steve: We have a finer comms array than the Pentagon, and you're saying we can't contact them unless by some crazy, ancient... [interrupted once again]
Ernie: [offscreen] Toodle-ooh! Here comes the cavalry! [An elderly elf, probably as old as Grandsanta comes hobbling down the Communications Center pushing a Signalator device]
Peter: Ernie Clicker, sir.
Ernie: Head of Polar Communications for 46 missions. Oh crikey-blikey! Me and your granddad saw some times. I remember once...
Steve: [interrupts Ernie and puts him in the chair] Wow, must catch up soon. Now.
Ernie: Oh, you're in a hurry. I can tell.
[Ernie blows the dust off the Signalator, Peter plugs the cord in]
Steve: Oh, this is ridiculous. Could we hurry this?
Ernie: Oh, you can't rush the Signalator. Gotta play gentle. [unhurriedly tries to communicate with Grandsanta and Arthur] So, what do you wish to say? I wouldn't worry. It's not like they're surrounded by man-eating lions.
[cut to Arthur, Grandsanta and Bryony being surrounded by 7 lions in Africa]
Arthur: [desperately serenading the lions by waving his musical slippers and singing "Silent Night" with different lyrics] Silent night / Holy night / All is calm... [one lion roars at Arthur] Aah! All is bright / I realize this is mental / But it's all that I know / It's Christmas, nice kitties / So please let us go
Bryony and Grandsanta: [shrug and join Arthur] Sleep in heavenly peace / Sleep in heavenly peace.
[because of the "lullaby", the lions fall asleep and the three tiptoe slowly to make an escape, but a bang from the sleigh wakes the lions again. They chase after the trio, and they escape in Evie]

View Quote Santa: Alright, um... 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew. [the S-1's rocks and oxygen masks are knocked out]
Margaret: Really, Malcolm, there's no harm in using a manual. Men.
Santa: Margaret, I order you to disembark. It's not safe. [he makes the S-1 rock again]
Margaret: Piffle. I did a microlight flying course on the Internet. [she stabilizes the S-1] It can't be that different.
[the doors open to reveal an angry Steve]
Santa: Oh. Steve.
Steve: [the S-1 rocks with him in it] You've dented it! You take it out without asking?
Margaret: Malcolm, you told me he knew. You know how Steve feels about his S-1.
Santa: [as he makes the S-1 rock twice] It's my S-1. S for "Santa". I'm flying to this child.
Steve: Of course she's all that matters, not me, your son! Not the 2 billion things I did right tonight, no!
[awkward silence]
Santa: This is about that pool table, isn't it? I told you; you should have written to me!
Steve: I was 8! You're my dad!
Margaret: For goodness' sake! [stomps her thermos] Arthur and Grandsanta are out there, probably not wearing nearly enough layers, and you 2 are bickering over a big red toy?!
Santa: I-I'm not bickering. If Steven could just stand back... [the airbag blows on him]
S-1 Computer: Air bag.
[the air bag slowly deflates, and Santa stands up and faces Steve]
Santa: [sadly] You drive, Steven. [sits down]
Steve: Thank you. [stabilizes the S-1 and puts on a pair of gloves] So, since gift delivery to child 47785BXK is all that seems to matter, I'll do it myself. Then we'll pick up Arthur and Grandsanta from whatever ditch they've ended up in.
S-1 Computer: Maximum thrust. [the S-1 sinks to launch]

View Quote Grandsanta: Christmas has gone right down the rodney hole. [points at Steve and refers to the S-1] You're a postman with a spaceship!
Steve: My S-1 festivized the world at 1,860 times the speed of sound!
Grandsanta: Christmas 1941, World War II, I did the whole thing with 6 reindeer and a drunken elf! [Steve sits back down] I was shot at, Arthur. Took 12 direct hits, lost 3 reindeer.
Arthur: What happened to the elf?
Grandsanta: Fell out of the sleigh over Lake Geneva. Never saw him again.

View Quote Steve: [gets a phone call on his HOHO, it wakes him up] Hello? What elf?
Peter: Bryony Shelfley, sir! The crazy wrapping elf, you know? Security tracked her to Sector 19. And we think Arthur was here.
Steve: Arthur?
Peter: Who else leaves the door open, huh, sir?
Steve: The old sleigh barn? That was sealed up decades ago. After that terrible night, Grandsanta sneaked out and... Thank goodness he is too old these days to get into trouble.

View Quote Santa: [Santa, Margaret, and Steve have arrived in Trelew, Mexico on the S-1] Out with the old, in with the new.
Margaret: [holding Santa's hand] Well done, dear.
Santa: [back on the Bridge of the S-1 as Steve has gone to give who he thinks is Gwen what is believed to be another version of the bike] Poor Arthur. He tried so hard. He's flunked again.
Margaret: Of course he hasn't, dear. We're here. The little girl will get her present. I think he's done rather splendidly.
Santa: [exclaiming] My Margaret.
Steve: [rings the doorbell, the door opens and a young boy appears] Good morning, Gwen. Ho, ho, et cetera. Apologies for the minor delay. I'm sure that even a child can understand that in an operation as complex as Christmas, there's always an insignificant margin of error, which is you. As a gesture, I've upgraded you to the... [reveals a big purple hi-tech bicycle] ...Glamorfast Ultra X-3, which retails at $9.99 more than your requested gift. Bigger, ergo better. If you wouldn't mind just signing a legal waver? [attempts to give Pedro the HOHO with a pen for him to sign]
Pedro: [confused] No le entiendo señor! Soy Pedro! [I don't understand sir. I am Pedro!]
Steve: P-Pedro? A boy?
Pedro: ¿Quien es usted? [Who are you?]
Steve: A Spanish boy? This is an error. No hablo Español. [I don't speak Spanish] [snatches the bike off Pedro] Now get off the bike. [Pedro and Steve start fighting, Pedro starts weeping and wailing in a tantrum, Santa and Margaret back up on the S-1's bridge can see the commotion on the S-1's Steve-cam] Will you get...? No, no, no. Please don't cry. No cry-o. No, uh, "sob-idad". Uh...