Grandsanta
[referring to Steve]
Tell him I'm not here!
Bryony
Grandsanta says he's not here.
Steve
Hi, I'm looking for a missing relic.
Grandsanta
Steve, 3 words.
Steve
Is the first one "help"?
Arthur
Yes. You can help us, Steve!
Grandsanta
It was him! Frosty the Madman, he forced me to come! [to Bryony] Elf, back me up if you want a career.
Arthur
I forced you?
Grandsanta
Ya see?! Look!
Steve
What did you want, Grandsanta? Let me guess. Hmm, a picture of you in the sleigh delivering the gift to show me how it's really done?
Grandsanta
[puts away camera]
No.
Steve
You know the picture they'll have tomorrow? You lead away in handcuffs! The Santa who was seen by everybody on Earth. The Santa who ruined Christmas.
Peter
[tauntingly]
Ruined it!
Grandsanta
We'll fix this, Steve. We'll be back home in a wobble of a reindeer's buttocks. A-And Evie can go back in mothballs. You can forget she ever existed.
Arthur
You can't just go home! [pulls away the reins] What about Gwen?!
Steve
Gwen? For that you'd threaten my whole operation?
Arthur
Steve, you said if there was any way to get there, you would. Well, this is it! Look, the old sleigh's perfect! [a piece broke off of Evie] Oh, right. Well, anyway, it goes really fast, even with bits missing, and we've got quite a few reindeer left. And if I'm sick again, I can be sick in a bag.
Bryony
I'll wrap him one!
E1 Elf 1
We can help them, sir!
E2 Elf 2
No one missed, sir!
E3 Elf 3
All correct presents, present and correct, sir!
Arthur
[the elves set up to deliver Gwen's present]
If you'd help us, Steve, we can do it.
E4 Elf 4
[Steve considers helping Arthur and Grandsanta while Peter offers him a drink]
Grandsanta and Arthur would be the heroes of the night, sir! [Peter drops the drink in shock]
Steve
[quickly]
Come home now! If we all just gave in to Christmas spirit, there'd be chaos.
Grandsanta
[pulls the reins toward him]
We're on our way, Steve!
Arthur
[pulls the reins away again]
NO! Santa would want us to get to Gwen. Ask him! Please!
Steve
Arthur, this is Dad we're talking about. There was a time when he cared about every last gift tag, but now he just wants to be loved and get some rest.
Arthur
No! He's-He's lying awake, worrying his beard off about Gwen.
S Santa
[Steve presses a button on his HOHO, revealing a voicemail] [in the voicemail]
Ho-ho-ho! Off to the land of nod. Please do not disturb until December 26. Is that it, dear?
M Margaret
[in the voicemail]
Yes, Malcolm. Press the red... [the voicemail ends]
Arthur
[after learning Santa has gone to bed without caring about Gwen]
No. Santa's the most caring man in the world!
Bryony
Then why are you here, not him?
Grandsanta
[Grandsanta pulls the reins really hard, causing Evie and the remaining reindeer to turn upside down, and then he, his pet reindeer, Bryony, and Arthur fall down onto a deserted island and Gwen's gift falls near Arthur, who walks away in disappointment]
Don't leave me, Arthur! Poor old man and his reindeer on our own at Christmas? At least have the decency to finish us off with a rock!
[Arthur stops, and then walks away again]
S Santa
Alright, um... 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew. [the S-1's rocks and oxygen masks are knocked out]
M Margaret
Really, Malcolm, there's no harm in using a manual. Men.
S Santa
Margaret, I order you to disembark. It's not safe. [he makes the S-1 rock again]
M Margaret
Piffle. I did a microlight flying course on the Internet. [she stabilizes the S-1] It can't be that different.
S Santa
[the doors open to reveal an angry Steve]
Oh. Steve.
Steve
[the S-1 rocks with him in it]
You've dented it! You take it out without asking?
M Margaret
Malcolm, you told me he knew. You know how Steve feels about his S-1.
S Santa
[as he makes the S-1 rock twice]
It's my S-1. S for "Santa". I'm flying to this child.
Steve
Of course she's all that matters, not me, your son! Not the 2 billion things I did right tonight, no!
S Santa
[awkward silence]
This is about that pool table, isn't it? I told you; you should have written to me!
Steve
I was 8! You're my dad!
M Margaret
For goodness' sake! [stomps her thermos] Arthur and Grandsanta are out there, probably not wearing nearly enough layers, and you 2 are bickering over a big red toy?!
S Santa
I-I'm not bickering. If Steven could just stand back... [the airbag blows on him]
S Santa
[the air bag slowly deflates, and Santa stands up and faces Steve] [sadly]
You drive, Steven. [sits down]
Steve
Thank you. [stabilizes the S-1 and puts on a pair of gloves] So, since gift delivery to child 47785BXK is all that seems to matter, I'll do it myself. Then we'll pick up Arthur and Grandsanta from whatever ditch they've ended up in.
S1 S-1 Computer
Maximum thrust. [the S-1 sinks to launch]
S Santa
[Santa, Margaret, and Steve have arrived in Trelew, Mexico on the S-1]
Out with the old, in with the new.
M Margaret
[holding Santa's hand]
Well done, dear.
S Santa
[back on the Bridge of the S-1 as Steve has gone to give who he thinks is Gwen what is believed to be another version of the bike]
Poor Arthur. He tried so hard. He's flunked again.
M Margaret
Of course he hasn't, dear. We're here. The little girl will get her present. I think he's done rather splendidly.
S Santa
[exclaiming]
My Margaret.
Steve
[rings the doorbell, the door opens and a young boy appears]
Good morning, Gwen. Ho, ho, et cetera. Apologies for the minor delay. I'm sure that even a child can understand that in an operation as complex as Christmas, there's always an insignificant margin of error, which is you. As a gesture, I've upgraded you to the... [reveals a big purple hi-tech bicycle] ...Glamorfast Ultra X-3, which retails at $9.99 more than your requested gift. Bigger, ergo better. If you wouldn't mind just signing a legal waver? [attempts to give Pedro the HOHO with a pen for him to sign]
P Pedro
[confused]
No le entiendo señor! Soy Pedro! [I don't understand sir. I am Pedro!]
Steve
P-Pedro? A boy?
P Pedro
¿Quien es usted? [Who are you?]
Steve
A Spanish boy? This is an error. No hablo Español. [I don't speak Spanish] [snatches the bike off Pedro] Now get off the bike. [Pedro and Steve start fighting, Pedro starts weeping and wailing in a tantrum, Santa and Margaret back up on the S-1's bridge can see the commotion on the S-1's Steve-cam] Will you get...? No, no, no. Please don't cry. No cry-o. No, uh, "sob-idad". Uh...
