Weiss
All right, fine! You can direct it. I want a script in three days. We start shooting a week from Monday.
Ed
Oh... oh, Mister Weiss, thank you so much! You won't regret it! I won't let you down!
Weiss
Ed
Ed Wood
[On the set, Ed has taken to wearing women's clothing full-time.]
But, Georgie, I'm proud! I wrote, directed, and starred in it, just like Orson Welles did in "Citizen Kane".
George Weiss
Yeah? Well, Orson Welles didn't wear angora sweaters, did he?
Ed Wood
Is there a script?
George Weiss
****, no. But there's a poster. [he holds up a movie poster for "I Changed My Sex"]
Lloyd
[singing]
Mock!
Harry
Yeah!
Lloyd
Ing!
Harry
Yeah!
Lloyd
Bird!
Harry
Yeah!
Head Detective
Did you get a make on the vehicle?
Detective
Yes, sir. They're driving an '84...sheep dog.
Harry
[spots a pair of skis on top of a woman's car]
Skis, huh?
Woman
That's right.
Harry
They yours?
Woman
..Uh huh.
Harry
Both of them?
Woman
Yeah.
Harry
Cool!
Harry
That's a lot of luggage for a little vacation.
Beth
Oh, I'm moving to Aspen. I've gotta get away from my boyfriend. He's such a klutz! Plus, my astrologer told me that I really should stay away from accident-prone guys. So, you know.
Harry
Well, you know I--
Harry
[rests hand on Beth's car's side mirror, which breaks] [hands mirror to her]
Here. It's a little loose.
Lloyd
Isn't this incredible? What more could two single guys ask for?
Harry
How about some food?
Lloyd
I swallowed a big June Bug while we were driving. I'm not really hungry.
Lloyd
[reading newspaper]
Mary Swanson will... hossst... a new-ul...
Harry
"Host", "annual".
Lloyd
An..u..el
Harry
"Annual".
Lloyd
T...t...t-heh...t...
Harry
"The".
Lloyd
I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
Harry
You just tell me where to sign, bud.
Lloyd
Right on my ass right after ya kiss it!
Harry
Kiss it?! You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, Mwah, Mwah!!
Nicholas
Which one of you wants to get it first?
Lloyd
Over here. I was the one who got us into this whole mess. C'mon, shoot me.
Harry
No! Wait. Do me first. I stole your girl, Lloyd, I deserve it.
Lloyd
No, you don't.
Harry
Yes, I do.
Lloyd
No, you don't. No, you don't!
Harry
Yes, I do! Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life! Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg.
Lloyd
(faking)
Okay. Kill him!
Lloyd
What's going on, Harry? Your name is "Harry", isn't it?
Harry
Yeah, she grabbed down at the lobby, explained what was up, then they slapped this bullet proof vest on me and gave me a gun.
Harry
But what if he shot you in the face?
Harry
[to detective]
What if he shot me in the face?
Beth
That's a risk we were willing to take.
Bikini contestant
[bus pulls up, a girl comes out]
Hey, guys. We're going on a national bikini tour and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us up before each competition.
Harry
You are in luck...there's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
Bikini contestant
Okay..thanks..
Lloyd
[bus pulls away]
Do you realize what you've done?! Hey! Wait!
Lloyd
[bus stops, and opens doors for them]
Y-you'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow...the town is back that way!
Lloyd
[nudges Harry]
You're it.
Harry
[nudges Lloyd]
You're it.
Lloyd
[nudges Harry]
You're it, quitsies!
Harry
Anti-quitsies. [nudges Lloyd] You're it! Quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
Lloyd
You can't do that!
Harry
Can too!
Lloyd
Cannot, stamped it!
Harry
Can too, double stamped it, no erasies!
Lloyd
Cannot, triple stamped it, no erasies, touch blue make it true. [puts his hands over his ears and sings]
Harry
No! No! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! You can't triple stamp a double stamp, Lloyd! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! LLOYD! LLOYD! You c--
Joe
GUYS!!! ENOUGH!!
Beth
The number's 555-...
Harry
(quietly and rapidly)
555-...
Beth
905-- Wait a minute, that's my old number. (laughs) That is so weird how your mind just goes blank!
Harry
(screams while his left leg is on fire)
FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST GIMME THE DAMN NUMBER!!!
Beth
Okay, look. Uh, you're gonna get pushy, forget about it!
(she drives away)
Joe
(sees a note on Harry and Lloyd's door)
Those rat bastards. They're rubbin' it right in our faces.
Shay
Man! Andre'll have a goddamn hemorrage if we don't get that briefcase back!
Joe
They must've been followin' us for weeks.
Shay
Why ya say?
Joe
"Gas Man". How the hell do they know that I got gas?
Shay
They gotta be pros.
Joe
Don't worry. We're gonna get that money back. And I'll tell you somethin' else. They ain't never gettin' to Aspen. I'm gonna see to that!
Joe
[after punching the guy behind him while he is on the phone with Nicholas]
I'm sorry, Mr. Andre. You were saying?
Nicholas
Look, Mental. Those jokers have got a lot of money that belongs to me! I wanna know who they are and what they're doing with it!
Joe
Hey, hey, hey. I told you already, I'm on it. Alright?
Nicholas
Good. [Hangs up and drinks his cup]
Cop
[As Spiker and Sponge are being tied up]
Well, I'll be a... The kid was telling the truth. [now angry] Get those two creeps OUTTA HERE!
Cop
[as Spiker and Sponge are being tied up]
Well, I will be...The kid was telling the truth. [determined] Get those two creeps OUT OF HERE.
Aunt Sponge
Hello... little... angel!
Aunt Spiker
So kind of you to look after our little lost lamb.
Cop
Who are you?
Aunt Spiker
We are the boy's legal guardians.
Aunt Sponge
We've missed him so much.
Aunt Spiker
So we'll be taking him home now.
Aunt Sponge
And the peach, of course. We're taking that as well.
Cop
Well, wait a minute. Back up. You mean to tell me that this thing is a peach?
Aunt Spiker
It's not a peach. It's our peach.
Aunt Sponge
Our peach.
Aunt Spiker
Show him, Spongy.
Aunt Sponge
Yes. [shows the cop a picture of her and Spiker with the giant peach]
Cop
Looks like it's their peach all right.
Aunt Spiker
Yes! Yes. And we're very proud of it.
Aunt Sponge
We're going to be in the record book.
James
It's not their peach. The old man gave the green things to me. That's what made it grow.
Aunt Sponge
[Shocked and angry with what James had just said]
How dare you disagree with us!
Aunt Spiker
[Places her hand on Sponge's shoulder, holding Sponge back]
Patience, sister. Remember his... condition.
Cop
His condition?
Aunt Sponge
He's a chronic liar.
Aunt Spiker
Sad, really. He needs his treatment.
Aunt Sponge
Well, that's why we're here; to bring him home. So, you come here with us. Hey, Lovey!
James
[Sponge and Spiker maliciously try to get to James but he climbs up to the truck to get away.]
I'm not the one who's lying. They are!
Aunt Spiker
As you can see, Officer, it is urgent that you release him to us immediately.
Old Man
LET THE BOY SPEAK!
Cop
[The crowd utters in agreement.]
Alright, alright, alright! Let's get to the bottom of this! This thing is a peach. Now, all right. I'll buy that. Now, does someone wanna tell me how it got here?
James
We attached it to a hundred seagulls.
Aunt Spiker
Seagulls? [laughs with the crowd]
James
That's what happened! Me and Miss Spider and the Centipede and the Old Green Grasshopper.
Aunt Sponge
[laughs with the crowd]
I think he's gone mad.
Aunt Spiker
This is all something he dreamed up.
James
Well, maybe it started that way, as a dream, but didn't everything? Those buildings, these lights, this whole city! Somebody had to dream about it first, and maybe that's what I did. I dreamed about coming here, but then I did it!
Aunt Spiker
The poor boy needs his medicine. Yes. So, we'll just take him...
Aunt Sponge
And the peach.
Aunt Spiker
Back to our cozy little house on the hill. Come along. You're going home with us.
James
[firmly]
No, I'm not.
Aunt Spiker
[Aunt Spiker tilts her head back in a disturbing way and her smile melts into a scowl] [through clenched teeth]
What did you say?
James
I said: [enunciating] NO... I'M... NOT!! I hate that house, and that cold room, and how I was always hungry.
Aunt Spiker
All right! That's enough!
James
And how you beat me!
Aunt Sponge
[the crowd gasps]
He's lying!
Woman
They beat him up?!
Boy
They beat him?!
James
And told me I was nothing!
Aunt Sponge
Shut up!
Aunt Spiker
Shut up!
Aunt Sponge
Shut up!
James
NO! Not this time! I flew the peach across the ocean. I landed on top of the tallest building in the world. [turns to Spiker and Sponge] I MADE IT! I'M NOT THE ONE WHO'S NOTHING, YOU ARE! AND I'M NEVER GOING BACK WITH YOU! NOT ME AND NOT THE PEACH!!!!
Aunt Spiker
[enraged]
HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO US THIS WAY!!
Mr. Grasshopper
[Sponge and Spiker grab fire axes and take swings at James. The officer repeatedly blows his whistle to keep the crowd under control]
James, up here!
Glowworm
Hello, we are here! [A green light shines down from above.]
Mr. Centipede
Hey, buddy!
Aunt Sponge
What are they?
Glowworm
Young James!
Mr. Centipede
Hey, Jimmy!
Aunt Spiker
Bugs!
Mr. Centipede
Need a little help down there?
Aunt Sponge
Giant bugs! [she and Spiker scream]
Mr. Centipede
Hey, you old biddies! [blows raspberry]
Aunt Sponge
Help! Help us! [but the crowd ignores them as they are too busy watching the sudden appearance of James' bug friends]
Mrs. Ladybug
Whoo-ee! Here we are, dear!
Earthworm
Hello, James!
James
I told you they were real!
Mr. Grasshopper
Hello, old boy!
Miss Spider
Requesting clearance to land!