N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #


Dogma quotes

162 total quotes

Bethany Sloane
Multiple Characters

Metatron: Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered, and his wrath was borne by the Angel of Death, name of Loki. When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed, that was Loki. When the waters wiped out everything with the exception of Noah and his menagerie, that was Loki. And he was good at what he did. But one day, he refused to bear God's wrath any longer.
Bethany: Why?
Metatron: Because he listened to his friend, a Grigori by the name of Bartleby.
Bethany: "Grigori"?
Metatron: One of the choirs of angels. They're called "Watchers"--guess what they do. So, one day Loki's wiping out all the firstborn of Egypt--
Bethany: Ah, the Tenth Plague.
Metatron: Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar! May I continue uninterrupted? Once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into a discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. And in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take one that doesn't involve slaughter. So... very inebriated... Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger - which ruins it for the rest of us, since from that day forward God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol, hence all the spitting. [Indicates the once-empty shot glass that he's been spitting Tequila into] So, for their insolence, God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowed back into Paradise.
Bethany: Were they sent to Hell?
Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history. And when the world ends, they'll have to sit outside the gates for all eternity.
Bethany: And this has what to do with me?
Metatron: Someone has clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma that would allow them to re-enter Heaven.
Bethany: So what? They beat the system. Good for them.
Metatron: It's not that simple. If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree. Now, listen closely, because this bit's very important. Existence, in all its form and splendor, functions solely on one principle: God is infallible. To prove Him wrong would undo reality and everything that is. Up would become down, black would become white, existence would become nothingness. In essence, if they're allowed to enter that church, they'll unmake the world.
Bethany: If this is so big and important, why are you talking to me? Why doesn't God do something?
Metatron: He could, but He'd rather watch you handle this one personally.
Bethany: Why?
Metatron: Because of who you are.
Bethany: And who am I?
Metatron: The girl in the pj's! Don't ask so many questions; just serve your purpose!
Bethany: I think I'm gonna have to pass.
Metatron: I beg your pardon?
Bethany: When some quiet little infection came and destroyed my uterus, where was God? When my husband decided he couldn't be with a wife who couldn't bear his children, where was God? (scoffs) The hell with Him.
Metatron: Don't allow eons of history and life to be blinked out of being just because you have a grudge with your creator! So you lost the ability to make life; you're being given the chance to play "Mother" to the world by acting like one and protecting it. Saving it! ...But I can't make you. However, if you do choose to stop being selfish and uphold your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Bethany: What, more angels?
Metatron: Prophets. (mumbling into tequila glass) In a manner of speaking. (back to normal volume) Two of them. The one who speaks... and he will, at great length, whether you want him to or not... will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one--well, he's the quiet type.

[Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob are at a diner]
Jay: So do you have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you gonna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry; what brought the two of you here?
Jay: Some **** named John Hughes. [Bob looks at Jay with disdain]
Bethany: "Sixteen Candles" John Hughes?
Jay: You know that guy too? That ****in' guy; made this flick "Sixteen Candles". Not bad; there's tits in it but no bush, but Ebert [gestures to Bob] over here don't give a shit about that kinda thing since he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Lines up to go to every one of his ****in' movies. ****in' "Breakfast Club", where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. ****in' "Weird Science", where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but, oh no, she don't 'cause it's a PG movie. And ****in' "Pretty In Pink", which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore, 'cause every time the part comes up where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbing like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit, and there's nothin' worse than hearin' a ****in' fat man weep.
Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?
Jay: See, all these movies take place in this small town called Shermer, Illinois, where the honeys are top-shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies--[Bob gestures to him]--except for Judd Nelson; he was ****ing harsh. But best of all, there's no one dealin', man. Then it hits me, we could live like fat rats if we're the blunt collection in Shermer, Illinois! So we collected some money we were owed, and caught a bus. You know what the **** we found out when we got there? [Bethany shakes her head] There is no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are ****ing bullshit.

(Bethany and her group are now on a train. She and Rufus are in their cabin and have a small conversation.)
Bethany: What's He like?
Rufus: He likes to listen to people talk. I remember the old days when we were sittin' around the fire. You know, whenever we were goin' on about unimportant shit, He'd always have a smile on his face. His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out His name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism. The big one though, is the factioning of the religions. He said, "Mankind got it all wrong by takin' a good idea and building a belief structure out of it."
Bethany: So you're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus: I just think it's better to have an idea. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now because of the Catholic belief system in this Plenary Indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief, and if they're successful, you, me, all of this ends in a heartbeat. All over a belief.

Nun: Let me get this straight. You don't believe in God because of "Alice in Wonderland"?
Loki: No, "Through the Looking-Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter"? That's an indictment of organized religion. The Walrus, with his girth and good nature, obviously represents either Buddha or, with his tusks, the Hindu elephant-god Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now, the Carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised as a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now, in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures insures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out-out of fear of some intangible parent figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, "Do it, do it and I'll ****ing spank you!"
Nun: The way you put it, I've never really thought about it like that before. What have I been doing with my life? What am I--?
Loki: Yeah, I know. Listen, my advice to you: you take that money you've been collecting for your parish and go get yourself a nice dress. You know? Fix yourself up. Find some man, find some woman, that you can connect with, even for a moment. 'Cause that's really all that life is, Sister. A series of moments. Why don't you seize yours? (the nun smiles, nods, and exits.) That a girl. That a girl.
Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in His presence. He's spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki: I just like ****ing with the clergy, man. I just love it. I love to keep those guys on their toes. Here's what I don't get about you. Why do you feel the need to come to this place all the time?
Bartleby: My friend, because this is humanity at its best. Look at them. All that anger, all that mistrust, all that unhappiness... forgotten for that one perfect moment when they get off the plane. See those two? What the guy doesn't know is that the girl cheated on him while she was away.
Loki: She did?
Bartleby: Twice.
Loki: Nice.
Bartleby: But it doesn't matter right now, 'cause they're both just so relieved to be with one another. I like that. I wish they could all feel that way more often.
Loki: This is why I had to come down here this morning? This is why I had to miss my ****ing cartoons? You call me and tell me it's important so I can share in your half-ass obsession with a Hallmark moment?

(Metatron explains when God went missing.)
Metatron: You know those constitutionals He likes to take?
Bethany: Constitutionals?
Rufus: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point. God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.
Metatron: The Lord has quite a fancy for the game. He's been playing it for years. He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. Doesn't tell anybody where he's playing, just goes away for a couple of hours. And from what I understand, he always gives his free points away to the neighborhood children- isn't that sweet?

(Bartleby has doubts about Loki's ability to "spot a commandment-breaker".)
Loki: I can spot a commandment breaker from a mile away, bet on it.
Bartleby: This coming from the guy who still owes me ten bucks over which would be the bigger movie: E.T. or Krush Groove?"
Loki: Hey you know what, **** you man, because time will tell on that. What, are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?
Bartleby: Insinuating? No. Flat-out telling you.

[Azrael has Bethany and the others captive at a bar]
Bethany: So he's (Azrael) a muse too?
Serendipity: Former muse. [to Azrael in a sing-song voice] He was kicked out!
Azrael: Ever the ****ing apple polisher.
Bethany: So, what happened?
Azrael: Yes, what? Well, Lucifer had to start his little war for the throne; Heaven became divided into two factions: the Faithful and the Renegades. Oh, the ethereal planes were chaotic with battles, angel against angel, and when it was all said and done, God cast the rebels into perdition--
Serendipity: But Azrael refused to fight. He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.
Jay: What are you? Some kinda ****in' chicken?
Azrael: No .I was an artist, stupid! I was inspiration! A muse has no place in battle.
Serendipity: So after the fallen were banished to Hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons; something he considers a "grave injustice".
Azrael: Oh, come on. Don't tell me you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity.
Serendipity: Nope. It never bothered me. So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from serving his country in time of war. That's why he's the King, and you're a shmuck!
Azrael: [sourly] Nice.
Bethany: So all of this is about revenge? You're going to unmake existence because you have a grudge against God?
Azrael: After the first million years? No; the escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason. So, I studied up on the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself, which it did in Catholicism--Plenary Indulgence--but I couldn't exercise it; demons can't become human. No, we can't tran-substantiate, but angels can.
Bethany: Bartleby and Loki.
Azrael: [he taps his finger to his temple as to indicate that she's figured it out] After that, it was all a matter of waiting for a church to celebrate their bicentennial, and when it did, I sent the pair an article laced with ideas. An incantation I picked up in the pit kept them cloaked and off of Heaven's radars, and aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan, not a soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on. But, the Almighty could still splooch the whole deal, so I had Him dispatched in a fairly ingenious fashion.
Serendipity: [correcting Azrael] Her. And how? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
Azrael: Oh, no. I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you don't reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you think you are to winning. [Serendipity sighs in mock disappointment] The only x-factor was the involvement of the Last Scion here, but fat lotta good that did ya. I mean, here you all are. [he tosses his machine gun to one of the triplets] Powerless to stop the inevitable.
Bethany: Look, asshole. I don't know if anyone's explained the rules to you, but if you succeed, everything gets blinked out of existence; even you!
Azrael: Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. I'd rather not exist than go back to that, and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it!
Serendipity: [gets out of her seat and pushes Azrael] Still only thinking about yourself; you ****in' child!
Azrael: [calmly speaking and forcefully pushing her back into her seat having one of the triplets guard her] Now ,now, now, things are getting a little hectic in here.

(Loki is shopping for guns.)
Gun Store Clerk: We call this one the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself.
Loki: It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. It doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. How am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this.
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in a razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah. I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki: I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: Hey, you know, **** you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur, that's like an endurance trial. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.

Rufus: What are you doing stripping?
Serendipity: Well, you remember why I left, right?
Rufus: You were tired of doing all the work and getting none of the credit for your ideas.
Serendipity: So, I opted to quit being a muse. I gave my two weeks' notice, got a body, fifty bucks, and got sent out into the world to seek my fortune.
Bethany: So what happened?
Serendipity: ... Writer's block. Can you believe it? Me, a muse, for God's sake. I can inspire anyone I meet and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.
Bethany: Whose?
Serendipity: God's.
Bethany: You're saying God's a woman?
Serendipity: Was there ever a doubt in your mind?
Bethany: He's always referred to as "He".
Serendipity: Well, that's not the way I wrote it. But one of the drawbacks to being intangible is that you have no say in the editorial process. The people that held the pens added their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were men. So "She" became a "He".

(Bartleby and Loki regroup after encountering Bethany, Rufus, and the "prophets" on a train.)
Loki: The apostle is here!
Bartleby: I noticed!
Loki: Well, then you know who the chick with him was, don't you?
Bartleby: The last Scion, I imagine!
Loki: Shit, man, look, maybe we should rethink this whole thing. I mean, I mean you heard the guy — he said there are "consequences"? And Azrael tells us we're marked? Look, man, there is more to this than we thought about.
Bartleby: I was close, you know? I was so close to slitting that bitch's throat.
Loki: Whoa.
Bartleby: You know how I felt? Righteous. Justified. Eager, even.
Loki: Are you all right, man? Your eyes are kind of--
Bartleby: My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See, in the beginning, it was just us and Him--angels and God. Then, He created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore Him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the Divine Presence, and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way He made us! Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no! We're servants!
Loki: Okay. You know, all I'm saying here is that one of us might need a little nap.
Bartleby: Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He has shown them infinite ****ing patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you, once, to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise. Where was His infinite ****ing patience then?! It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time? Don't you think it's time we went home? (a pause) And to do that, I--I think we might have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
Loki:Wait. Wait-wait. Kill them? You're talking about the last scion, for Christ's sake. And what about Jay and Bob? I mean, those guys were all right.
Bartleby: Don't. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you, they did me once. Scion or not, she's still just a human, and by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven, no harm, no foul.
Loki: My God... I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: What did you say?
Loki: I said I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: Don't you ****ing do that to me!
Loki: You sound like the Morningstar.
Bartleby: You shut your ****ing mouth!
Loki: You do! You sound like Lucifer, man! You've ****ing lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby, you're talking about ****ing war on God! Well, **** that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the Throne! I'm going back to Wisconsin.
(Loki tries to leave; Bartleby catches him by the lapels and slams him into a pillar.)
Bartleby: We're going home, Loki. And no one, not you, not even the Almighty Himself, is gonna make that otherwise.

Cardinal Glick: So, I assume you're looking to help out in some way.
Bethany: We'd like you to cancel the ceremony.
Cardinal Glick: ...I beg your pardon?
Bethany: There's gonna be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward as planned.
Cardinal Glick: (pause) Are you... pro-choice?
Bethany: No, no. The trouble's not from us. It's from these two renegade angels who've been stuck on earth since the plagues — (Rufus nudges her) Um, these guys, they think they're renegade angels.
Rufus: See, Padre, it goes down like this. These guys think that by passing through that archway, they can go straight to Heaven.
Cardinal Glick: You want me to call off the ceremony for that? Who sent you?
Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called "I am"!
Cardinal Glick: Cute. Really cute. Listen, kids, play-time with the cardinal is over.
Rufus: Worked for Moses.
Bethany: [to Rufus] Stay out of this.
Cardinal Glick: Let's go.
Bethany: Your Eminence, this isn't a joke
Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.
Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
Rufus: Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany: And its platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?
Cardinal Glick: ...All right, mistakes were made, but you can't hold Holy Mother Church responsible for the mistakes of old! Now I'm a very important man with very important business to attend to, so if you please!
Bethany: But tomorrow--
Cardinal Glick: Tomorrow goes off without a hitch! Do I make myself clear? Neither you, nor any other influence short of the hand of God Himself, is gonna keep this thing from going off without a hitch!

Cardinal Glick: Now, let me tell you a little bit of history about this particular hundred-years-young house of God.
Bartleby (emerging from crowd): God's house? God doesn't live here anymore! He's grown weary of your superficial faith. He's turned a deaf ear to your lip-service prayers. He has abandoned you, His favorites, to the whim of judgment. Hypocrites, charlatans, prepare to taste God's wrath!
Loki: Maybe we should just leave.
Bartleby: You wanted your body count, you got it. This crowd is rife with sin. We'll judge them all.
Cardinal Glick: Officer McGhee?
Officer McGhee: All right, mouthpiece, let's leave the nice Cardinal alone and go for a ride.
Bartleby: Mister McGhee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Officer McGhee: Is that so?
(Bartleby snaps McGhee's neck with one hand; the crowd screams and starts to scatter.)
Bartleby: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of violations against our Almighty God. And this very day, I assure you, you will pay for your trespasses, in blood! (to Loki) Wings. Now.
Loki: I'm feeling a little exposed, here.
Bartleby: Do it!

Bethany: Why me? Out of all the people on the god damn planet, why was I tapped?
Rufus: ...Imagine you're a twelve year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son. But more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe, say, I don't know, eighteen years? In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from age twelve to thirty- twelve to thirty. Now that's some pretty bad storytelling. Where are the volumes of text dealing with the missing eighteen years? I'll tell you where- they were offered up as a sacrifice to the god of ecumenical politics.
Bethany: You make it sound like there's some church conspiracy to cover up the truth about Christ. [is responded to with silence] ...Bullshit. Any important information about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why would they leave any of it out?
Rufus: Because it's all closely tied in with his family.
Bethany: His mother and father?
Rufus: His brothers and sisters.
Bethany: Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters. Mary was a virgin.
Rufus: Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a man's touch, this is true - but she did have a husband. And do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin Birth-- those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? That's just plain gullibility!
Bethany: Meaning?
Rufus: The blood that flows through your veins shares a chromosome or two, at the genetic level, with the one you call Jesus. Bethany, you are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandniece of Jesus Christ.
Jay: ... So, that would make Bethany part black?

Bartleby: Well, look at this pimp. How'd you get outta Hell?
Azrael: I told them I was coming up on a routine possession. Look, I don't have long; if they figure out my ruse, they'll come looking for me.
Loki: Hey, what's with bringing us in here?
Azrael: You two ****s are inches away from getting caught! Going around killing people, about to un-case your wings? Don't you have any idea what's going on?
Bartleby: Well, we're going home.
Azrael: Oh, really? Are you so clueless as to think that you can just waltz back into Heaven?
Bartleby: Why not?
Azrael: Everybody is looking for you. Both sides, above and below. Orders are to terminate you on sight.
Loki: Really?
Bartleby: Why?
Azrael: Because you're pissing people off, that's why! Word on the grapevine is that God's pissed off at your presumption, and I know Lucifer's pissed because you assholes might make him look bad by succeeding where he's failed so many times.
Bartleby: So they're just gonna kill us?
Azrael: They're gonna try! That's why you have to travel incognito. Tone down your behavior, stay off their respective radars. [to Loki] Quit killing people. That's high-profile.
Loki: Oh, lighten up!
Bartleby: I still can't believe they wanna kill us.
Azrael: Oh, believe it, boys. They've even got the last scion looking for you.
Loki: Really?
Bartleby: You're kidding me.
Azrael: This is huge, man. Your re-entry is a thorn in a lot of sides. And they'll stop at nothing—-I mean nothing--to prevent it. In the meantime, I suggest that you find an alternate mode of transportation. If anything else comes up, I'll contact you.
Bartleby: [shaking Azrael's hand] Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend.
Azrael: Look, I've gotta get back to the pit before they get suspicious. Remember, incognito.

Bethany: I remember going to church when I was younger and feeling moved. Now I go every Sunday and feel nothing. I don't think I have any faith left.
Liz: Do you remember that seminary student who used to mow my lawn? The one I tried to set you up with?
Bethany: The twenty-year-old. The one I could have babysat for in high school.
Liz: Right. Well, the point is, he told me something. He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is little, so it's easy to fill. As you get older, the glass gets bigger. The same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. But periodically the glass needs to be refilled.
Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled.
Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.
Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man, not even for ten minutes, in his entire lifespan.
Liz: That sounds a little bit militant. Are you thinking of joining the other side?
Bethany: Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
Liz: Well, then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
Bethany: I think God is dead.
Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.