Multiple Characters quotes
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Silent Bob: [after throwing Bartleby and Loki off a train; a la Indiana Jones] No ticket.
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Cardinal Glick: People find the Bible obtuse... even hokey.
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Cardinal Glick: Christ didn't come to earth to give us the willies! He came to help us out. He was a booster.
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Grant Hicks: [on TV news] With a papal sanction, the archway entrance of the century-old Jersey shore house of worship will serve as a passageway of plenary indulgence — a little-known Catholic belief which offers all that passes through its arches a morally clean slate.
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Liz: [distracting anti-abortion protestors] Holy shit, it's the Pope!
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Gun store guy: We call this piece the 'Fecalator'. One look at it and the target shits him- or herself. Try it on.
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Gang leader: I knew I's gonna whack somebody today! Represent!
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Ticket agent: [at bus station] I suggest you not underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State, and show up two hours in advance.
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PA Announcer: [at St. Michael's hospital] I repeat: this is not a drill. This is the Apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion.
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Nun: Let me get this straight. You don't believe in God because of "Alice in Wonderland"?
Loki: No, "Through the Looking-Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter"? That's an indictment of organized religion. The Walrus, with his girth and good nature, obviously represents either Buddha or, with his tusks, the Hindu elephant-god Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now, the Carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised as a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now, in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures insures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out-out of fear of some intangible parent figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, "Do it, do it and I'll ****ing spank you!"
Nun: The way you put it, I've never really thought about it like that before. What have I been doing with my life? What am I--?
Loki: Yeah, I know. Listen, my advice to you: you take that money you've been collecting for your parish and go get yourself a nice dress. You know? Fix yourself up. Find some man, find some woman, that you can connect with, even for a moment. 'Cause that's really all that life is, Sister. A series of moments. Why don't you seize yours? (the nun smiles, nods, and exits.) That a girl. That a girl.
Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in His presence. He's spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki: I just like ****ing with the clergy, man. I just love it. I love to keep those guys on their toes. Here's what I don't get about you. Why do you feel the need to come to this place all the time?
Bartleby: My friend, because this is humanity at its best. Look at them. All that anger, all that mistrust, all that unhappiness... forgotten for that one perfect moment when they get off the plane. See those two? What the guy doesn't know is that the girl cheated on him while she was away.
Loki: She did?
Bartleby: Twice.
Loki: Nice.
Bartleby: But it doesn't matter right now, 'cause they're both just so relieved to be with one another. I like that. I wish they could all feel that way more often.
Loki: This is why I had to come down here this morning? This is why I had to miss my ****ing cartoons? You call me and tell me it's important so I can share in your half-ass obsession with a Hallmark moment?
Loki: No, "Through the Looking-Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter"? That's an indictment of organized religion. The Walrus, with his girth and good nature, obviously represents either Buddha or, with his tusks, the Hindu elephant-god Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now, the Carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised as a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now, in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures insures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out-out of fear of some intangible parent figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, "Do it, do it and I'll ****ing spank you!"
Nun: The way you put it, I've never really thought about it like that before. What have I been doing with my life? What am I--?
Loki: Yeah, I know. Listen, my advice to you: you take that money you've been collecting for your parish and go get yourself a nice dress. You know? Fix yourself up. Find some man, find some woman, that you can connect with, even for a moment. 'Cause that's really all that life is, Sister. A series of moments. Why don't you seize yours? (the nun smiles, nods, and exits.) That a girl. That a girl.
Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in His presence. He's spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki: I just like ****ing with the clergy, man. I just love it. I love to keep those guys on their toes. Here's what I don't get about you. Why do you feel the need to come to this place all the time?
Bartleby: My friend, because this is humanity at its best. Look at them. All that anger, all that mistrust, all that unhappiness... forgotten for that one perfect moment when they get off the plane. See those two? What the guy doesn't know is that the girl cheated on him while she was away.
Loki: She did?
Bartleby: Twice.
Loki: Nice.
Bartleby: But it doesn't matter right now, 'cause they're both just so relieved to be with one another. I like that. I wish they could all feel that way more often.
Loki: This is why I had to come down here this morning? This is why I had to miss my ****ing cartoons? You call me and tell me it's important so I can share in your half-ass obsession with a Hallmark moment?
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Bartleby: We're going home. (holds out a newspaper article) Somebody sent us this in the mail. (he pauses; Loki just gawks at him) Take it, man. And quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you or something.
Loki: You did just say we're going home, right?
Bartleby: Read.
Loki: "Cardinal Glick cuts ribbon on Catholicism, Wow! campaign." And?
Bartleby: You have to keep reading.
Loki: You did just say we're going home, right?
Bartleby: Read.
Loki: "Cardinal Glick cuts ribbon on Catholicism, Wow! campaign." And?
Bartleby: You have to keep reading.
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Loki: Now, wait, so all I gotta do, I walk through the arch thing and then I can go back home?
Bartleby: No. By walking through the archway, all your sins are forgiven. Then all we have to do is die.
Loki: Die?! I don't wanna die!
Bartleby: What, you'd rather hang around here for a few more eons?
Loki: No... we don't even know if we can die. All right, but what if we can and then, and then the arch thing doesn't work? What then, Hell? **** that.
Bartleby: It's impossible--
Loki: **** that!
Bartleby: If we cut off our wings and trans-substantiate to complete human form, we become mortal. If we die with clean souls, there's no way they can keep us out. We won't be angels anymore, but at least we can go back home.
Bartleby: No. By walking through the archway, all your sins are forgiven. Then all we have to do is die.
Loki: Die?! I don't wanna die!
Bartleby: What, you'd rather hang around here for a few more eons?
Loki: No... we don't even know if we can die. All right, but what if we can and then, and then the arch thing doesn't work? What then, Hell? **** that.
Bartleby: It's impossible--
Loki: **** that!
Bartleby: If we cut off our wings and trans-substantiate to complete human form, we become mortal. If we die with clean souls, there's no way they can keep us out. We won't be angels anymore, but at least we can go back home.
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Loki: Oh, there's just one thing I think we need to do before we leave. This is gonna help us get back on His good side.
Bartleby: What?
Loki: Here. I've been dreaming about this for five years. (he hands over a page from a magazine) Read that.
Bartleby (reading): "Mooby the Golden Calf: creating an empire out of simplicity."
Loki: I wanna hit 'em.
Bartleby: You really are just a simple creature. We finally get a way back in and you wanna jeopardize that 'cause you've got a soft spot for the good old days.
Loki: Hey, what better way to repent than by resuming the position I once denied, thanks to you?
Bartleby: I really don't think a killing spree is gonna make things better for us!
Loki: "Killing spree"? I'm talking about Divine Justice here. I'm talking about raining down fire and brimstone, punishing the wicked. He's all about that. I know He'd want this done!
Bartleby: There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit. Doesn't that mean anything to you? And besides, what if you're wrong, like you always are?
Loki: If I'm wrong, which I'm not, it's not gonna matter. We're gonna pass through your arch thing anyway. We're gonna be forgiven. No harm, no foul.
Bartleby: What?
Loki: Here. I've been dreaming about this for five years. (he hands over a page from a magazine) Read that.
Bartleby (reading): "Mooby the Golden Calf: creating an empire out of simplicity."
Loki: I wanna hit 'em.
Bartleby: You really are just a simple creature. We finally get a way back in and you wanna jeopardize that 'cause you've got a soft spot for the good old days.
Loki: Hey, what better way to repent than by resuming the position I once denied, thanks to you?
Bartleby: I really don't think a killing spree is gonna make things better for us!
Loki: "Killing spree"? I'm talking about Divine Justice here. I'm talking about raining down fire and brimstone, punishing the wicked. He's all about that. I know He'd want this done!
Bartleby: There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit. Doesn't that mean anything to you? And besides, what if you're wrong, like you always are?
Loki: If I'm wrong, which I'm not, it's not gonna matter. We're gonna pass through your arch thing anyway. We're gonna be forgiven. No harm, no foul.
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Loki: Where's this church we have to go to?
Bartleby: New Jersey. Re-dedication ceremony is in four days.
(elevator door opens and the ex-angelic pair enter.)
Loki: Last four days on earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.
Bartleby: What's that?
Loki: Let's kill people.
(a woman standing between them sputters, coughs, and spits coffee.)
Loki: Oh, not you!
Bartleby: New Jersey. Re-dedication ceremony is in four days.
(elevator door opens and the ex-angelic pair enter.)
Loki: Last four days on earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.
Bartleby: What's that?
Loki: Let's kill people.
(a woman standing between them sputters, coughs, and spits coffee.)
Loki: Oh, not you!
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(Liz has just fought her way through a group of pro-life protesters to enter the abortion clinic where she and Bethany work.)
Liz: You're a Catholic. Can't you talk to them?
Bethany: They hate me more than you, no doubt. At least you have an excuse. You're Jewish. You don't know any better.
Liz: Ah, they won't go for that one. We already used that excuse when we killed Christ.
Liz: You're a Catholic. Can't you talk to them?
Bethany: They hate me more than you, no doubt. At least you have an excuse. You're Jewish. You don't know any better.
Liz: Ah, they won't go for that one. We already used that excuse when we killed Christ.
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Bethany: I remember going to church when I was younger and feeling moved. Now I go every Sunday and feel nothing. I don't think I have any faith left.
Liz: Do you remember that seminary student who used to mow my lawn? The one I tried to set you up with?
Bethany: The twenty-year-old. The one I could have babysat for in high school.
Liz: Right. Well, the point is, he told me something. He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is little, so it's easy to fill. As you get older, the glass gets bigger. The same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. But periodically the glass needs to be refilled.
Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled.
Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.
Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man, not even for ten minutes, in his entire lifespan.
Liz: That sounds a little bit militant. Are you thinking of joining the other side?
Bethany: Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
Liz: Well, then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
Bethany: I think God is dead.
Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.
Liz: Do you remember that seminary student who used to mow my lawn? The one I tried to set you up with?
Bethany: The twenty-year-old. The one I could have babysat for in high school.
Liz: Right. Well, the point is, he told me something. He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is little, so it's easy to fill. As you get older, the glass gets bigger. The same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. But periodically the glass needs to be refilled.
Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled.
Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.
Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man, not even for ten minutes, in his entire lifespan.
Liz: That sounds a little bit militant. Are you thinking of joining the other side?
Bethany: Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
Liz: Well, then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
Bethany: I think God is dead.
Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.
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Metatron: As I was saying, prior to your fire-fighting episode, I am the Metatron. (he pauses dramatically; Bethany gapes at him.) ... Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell. (Bethany shakes her head.) You people; if there isn't a movie about it it's not worth knowing, is it? I am a seraphim! (Bethany gapes again.) The highest choir of angels? (more gaping.) You do know what an angel is, don't you?!
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Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any do****ented occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.
Bethany: Why doesn't God speak for Himself?
Metatron: Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that: human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.
Bethany: Well... how do I know you're an angel?
Metatron: What, you mean aside from the fiery entrance and expansive wingspan?
Bethany: Why doesn't God speak for Himself?
Metatron: Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that: human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.
Bethany: Well... how do I know you're an angel?
Metatron: What, you mean aside from the fiery entrance and expansive wingspan?
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Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Metatron: Noah was a drunk, and look what he accomplished- and no one's asking you to build an ark. All you've got to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day.
Bethany: New Jersey?
Metatron: Mmm-hmm. (drinks a shot of tequila and spits it out into an empty glass)
Bethany: That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: (quickly and quietly into his next shot) Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. (takes the shot)
Bethany: Whoa, wait, what?
Metatron: (more clearly) Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus - Negating - All - Existence; I hate it when people need it spelled out for them.
Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Metatron: Noah was a drunk, and look what he accomplished- and no one's asking you to build an ark. All you've got to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day.
Bethany: New Jersey?
Metatron: Mmm-hmm. (drinks a shot of tequila and spits it out into an empty glass)
Bethany: That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: (quickly and quietly into his next shot) Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. (takes the shot)
Bethany: Whoa, wait, what?
Metatron: (more clearly) Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus - Negating - All - Existence; I hate it when people need it spelled out for them.
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Metatron: Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered, and his wrath was borne by the Angel of Death, name of Loki. When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed, that was Loki. When the waters wiped out everything with the exception of Noah and his menagerie, that was Loki. And he was good at what he did. But one day, he refused to bear God's wrath any longer.
Bethany: Why?
Metatron: Because he listened to his friend, a Grigori by the name of Bartleby.
Bethany: "Grigori"?
Metatron: One of the choirs of angels. They're called "Watchers"--guess what they do. So, one day Loki's wiping out all the firstborn of Egypt--
Bethany: Ah, the Tenth Plague.
Metatron: Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar! May I continue uninterrupted? Once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into a discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. And in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take one that doesn't involve slaughter. So... very inebriated... Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger - which ruins it for the rest of us, since from that day forward God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol, hence all the spitting. [Indicates the once-empty shot glass that he's been spitting Tequila into] So, for their insolence, God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowed back into Paradise.
Bethany: Were they sent to Hell?
Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history. And when the world ends, they'll have to sit outside the gates for all eternity.
Bethany: And this has what to do with me?
Metatron: Someone has clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma that would allow them to re-enter Heaven.
Bethany: So what? They beat the system. Good for them.
Metatron: It's not that simple. If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree. Now, listen closely, because this bit's very important. Existence, in all its form and splendor, functions solely on one principle: God is infallible. To prove Him wrong would undo reality and everything that is. Up would become down, black would become white, existence would become nothingness. In essence, if they're allowed to enter that church, they'll unmake the world.
Bethany: If this is so big and important, why are you talking to me? Why doesn't God do something?
Metatron: He could, but He'd rather watch you handle this one personally.
Bethany: Why?
Metatron: Because of who you are.
Bethany: And who am I?
Metatron: The girl in the pj's! Don't ask so many questions; just serve your purpose!
Bethany: I think I'm gonna have to pass.
Metatron: I beg your pardon?
Bethany: When some quiet little infection came and destroyed my uterus, where was God? When my husband decided he couldn't be with a wife who couldn't bear his children, where was God? (scoffs) The hell with Him.
Metatron: Don't allow eons of history and life to be blinked out of being just because you have a grudge with your creator! So you lost the ability to make life; you're being given the chance to play "Mother" to the world by acting like one and protecting it. Saving it! ...But I can't make you. However, if you do choose to stop being selfish and uphold your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Bethany: What, more angels?
Metatron: Prophets. (mumbling into tequila glass) In a manner of speaking. (back to normal volume) Two of them. The one who speaks... and he will, at great length, whether you want him to or not... will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one--well, he's the quiet type.
Bethany: Why?
Metatron: Because he listened to his friend, a Grigori by the name of Bartleby.
Bethany: "Grigori"?
Metatron: One of the choirs of angels. They're called "Watchers"--guess what they do. So, one day Loki's wiping out all the firstborn of Egypt--
Bethany: Ah, the Tenth Plague.
Metatron: Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar! May I continue uninterrupted? Once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into a discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. And in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take one that doesn't involve slaughter. So... very inebriated... Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger - which ruins it for the rest of us, since from that day forward God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol, hence all the spitting. [Indicates the once-empty shot glass that he's been spitting Tequila into] So, for their insolence, God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowed back into Paradise.
Bethany: Were they sent to Hell?
Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history. And when the world ends, they'll have to sit outside the gates for all eternity.
Bethany: And this has what to do with me?
Metatron: Someone has clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma that would allow them to re-enter Heaven.
Bethany: So what? They beat the system. Good for them.
Metatron: It's not that simple. If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree. Now, listen closely, because this bit's very important. Existence, in all its form and splendor, functions solely on one principle: God is infallible. To prove Him wrong would undo reality and everything that is. Up would become down, black would become white, existence would become nothingness. In essence, if they're allowed to enter that church, they'll unmake the world.
Bethany: If this is so big and important, why are you talking to me? Why doesn't God do something?
Metatron: He could, but He'd rather watch you handle this one personally.
Bethany: Why?
Metatron: Because of who you are.
Bethany: And who am I?
Metatron: The girl in the pj's! Don't ask so many questions; just serve your purpose!
Bethany: I think I'm gonna have to pass.
Metatron: I beg your pardon?
Bethany: When some quiet little infection came and destroyed my uterus, where was God? When my husband decided he couldn't be with a wife who couldn't bear his children, where was God? (scoffs) The hell with Him.
Metatron: Don't allow eons of history and life to be blinked out of being just because you have a grudge with your creator! So you lost the ability to make life; you're being given the chance to play "Mother" to the world by acting like one and protecting it. Saving it! ...But I can't make you. However, if you do choose to stop being selfish and uphold your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Bethany: What, more angels?
Metatron: Prophets. (mumbling into tequila glass) In a manner of speaking. (back to normal volume) Two of them. The one who speaks... and he will, at great length, whether you want him to or not... will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one--well, he's the quiet type.
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Bethany: Hey — what's He like?
Metatron: God? ...Lonely, but funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex, for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in Heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.
Metatron: God? ...Lonely, but funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex, for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in Heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.
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[Jay and Silent Bob have just saved Bethany from an attack by Azrael's three roller-blading henchmen.]
Bethany: I don't know what to say, or think, except--
Jay: That you'll offer us sex as a reward?
Bethany: Uh... that I'd like to know who you, and they, are.
Jay: I'm Jay and this is my hetero life-mate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and lunch-box's asses if I hadn't represented.
Bethany: I don't know what to say, or think, except--
Jay: That you'll offer us sex as a reward?
Bethany: Uh... that I'd like to know who you, and they, are.
Jay: I'm Jay and this is my hetero life-mate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and lunch-box's asses if I hadn't represented.
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Jay: I'm going back to Jersey and start up the business again. I can kick the shit out of little kids in Red Bank and make myself a profit.
voice of Metatron (flashback): Prophets. Two of 'em.
Bethany: You've got to be kidding me.
voice of Metatron (flashback): Prophets. Two of 'em.
Bethany: You've got to be kidding me.
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[Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob are at a diner]
Jay: So do you have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you gonna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry; what brought the two of you here?
Jay: Some **** named John Hughes. [Bob looks at Jay with disdain]
Bethany: "Sixteen Candles" John Hughes?
Jay: You know that guy too? That ****in' guy; made this flick "Sixteen Candles". Not bad; there's tits in it but no bush, but Ebert [gestures to Bob] over here don't give a shit about that kinda thing since he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Lines up to go to every one of his ****in' movies. ****in' "Breakfast Club", where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. ****in' "Weird Science", where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but, oh no, she don't 'cause it's a PG movie. And ****in' "Pretty In Pink", which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore, 'cause every time the part comes up where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbing like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit, and there's nothin' worse than hearin' a ****in' fat man weep.
Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?
Jay: See, all these movies take place in this small town called Shermer, Illinois, where the honeys are top-shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies--[Bob gestures to him]--except for Judd Nelson; he was ****ing harsh. But best of all, there's no one dealin', man. Then it hits me, we could live like fat rats if we're the blunt collection in Shermer, Illinois! So we collected some money we were owed, and caught a bus. You know what the **** we found out when we got there? [Bethany shakes her head] There is no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are ****ing bullshit.
Jay: So do you have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you gonna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry; what brought the two of you here?
Jay: Some **** named John Hughes. [Bob looks at Jay with disdain]
Bethany: "Sixteen Candles" John Hughes?
Jay: You know that guy too? That ****in' guy; made this flick "Sixteen Candles". Not bad; there's tits in it but no bush, but Ebert [gestures to Bob] over here don't give a shit about that kinda thing since he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Lines up to go to every one of his ****in' movies. ****in' "Breakfast Club", where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. ****in' "Weird Science", where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but, oh no, she don't 'cause it's a PG movie. And ****in' "Pretty In Pink", which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore, 'cause every time the part comes up where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbing like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit, and there's nothin' worse than hearin' a ****in' fat man weep.
Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?
Jay: See, all these movies take place in this small town called Shermer, Illinois, where the honeys are top-shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies--[Bob gestures to him]--except for Judd Nelson; he was ****ing harsh. But best of all, there's no one dealin', man. Then it hits me, we could live like fat rats if we're the blunt collection in Shermer, Illinois! So we collected some money we were owed, and caught a bus. You know what the **** we found out when we got there? [Bethany shakes her head] There is no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are ****ing bullshit.
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Bethany: This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking this, but I think I should go with you.
Jay: What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? All right, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent.
Bethany: No, I want to go with you to New Jersey.
Jay: Really.
Bethany: You're going to lead me somewhere.
Jay: Me, lead you? Look at me, lady! I don't even know where the Hell I am half the time!
Jay: What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? All right, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent.
Bethany: No, I want to go with you to New Jersey.
Jay: Really.
Bethany: You're going to lead me somewhere.
Jay: Me, lead you? Look at me, lady! I don't even know where the Hell I am half the time!
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Bethany: I can pay you!
Jay: Pay?
Bethany: A hundred bucks for being my guide. You were going to Jersey anyway. I'm just asking to tag along.
Jay: I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that ****ed-up bar! What about sex?
Bethany: No sex.
Jay: ... All right, well, let's say we're in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off. Would you **** us then?
Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation? [sighs, rolling her eyes] ...Yeah, sure.
Jay: Pay?
Bethany: A hundred bucks for being my guide. You were going to Jersey anyway. I'm just asking to tag along.
Jay: I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that ****ed-up bar! What about sex?
Bethany: No sex.
Jay: ... All right, well, let's say we're in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off. Would you **** us then?
Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation? [sighs, rolling her eyes] ...Yeah, sure.
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(Loki is shopping for guns.)
Gun Store Clerk: We call this one the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself.
Loki: It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. It doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. How am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this.
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in a razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah. I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki: I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: Hey, you know, **** you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur, that's like an endurance trial. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.
Gun Store Clerk: We call this one the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself.
Loki: It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. It doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. How am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this.
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in a razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah. I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki: I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: Hey, you know, **** you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur, that's like an endurance trial. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.
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(Bartleby has doubts about Loki's ability to "spot a commandment-breaker".)
Loki: I can spot a commandment breaker from a mile away, bet on it.
Bartleby: This coming from the guy who still owes me ten bucks over which would be the bigger movie: E.T. or Krush Groove?"
Loki: Hey you know what, **** you man, because time will tell on that. What, are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?
Bartleby: Insinuating? No. Flat-out telling you.
Loki: I can spot a commandment breaker from a mile away, bet on it.
Bartleby: This coming from the guy who still owes me ten bucks over which would be the bigger movie: E.T. or Krush Groove?"
Loki: Hey you know what, **** you man, because time will tell on that. What, are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?
Bartleby: Insinuating? No. Flat-out telling you.
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[Bethany's car has broken down on the side of the road after Jay drove too fast in first gear.]
Jay: (to Silent Bob) Dude, she ****ing pissed! She's never gonna **** us now! Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. You know how she is.
Bethany: Nobody is ****ing me! You got that?! I don't know what I was thinking in that diner, but seeing as I've decided to go home and not to New Jersey, sorry about the convenience and goodbye.
[Bethany begins to walk off.]
Jay: You breakin' up with us? [Bethany continues walking off.] Who the hell do you think you are, lady?! [Jay and Silent Bob walk after her.] You can't go around breaking people's hearts like that! I fell in love with you! WE fell in love with you! Guys like us just don't fall out of the ****ing sky, you know! [Just then, a man falls right in between Jay, Bob and Bethany.] (to the sky) Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just don't just fall out of the sky, you know!
Jay: (to Silent Bob) Dude, she ****ing pissed! She's never gonna **** us now! Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. You know how she is.
Bethany: Nobody is ****ing me! You got that?! I don't know what I was thinking in that diner, but seeing as I've decided to go home and not to New Jersey, sorry about the convenience and goodbye.
[Bethany begins to walk off.]
Jay: You breakin' up with us? [Bethany continues walking off.] Who the hell do you think you are, lady?! [Jay and Silent Bob walk after her.] You can't go around breaking people's hearts like that! I fell in love with you! WE fell in love with you! Guys like us just don't fall out of the ****ing sky, you know! [Just then, a man falls right in between Jay, Bob and Bethany.] (to the sky) Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just don't just fall out of the sky, you know!
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[Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob inspect the body that fell in front of them.]
Bethany: No heartbeat.
Jay: You think someone threw him out of a plane with a message written on him like in Con Air? (to Bethany) You ever see that flick?
[The body starts to move, and the others back away from it.]
Rufus: Oh, did that suck! Con Air, con shit!
Jay: Kill it, kill it!
Rufus: Sounds familiar.
Bethany: Jesus! Are you okay?
Rufus: It's Rufus, and yeah, I'm fine.
Jay: It's the ****ing un-dead! Cut its head off!
Rufus: Hey! What I did just gave me a ****ing migraine! So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna yank ya' sack off like a paper towel!
Bethany: Speaking of which, you're awfully nude. Rufus, was it?
Rufus: Yes, Rufus it is. Usually "Long" Rufus, but it's kinda cold out here, you understand. (to Silent Bob) Hey, Biggie, how 'bout lending me your coat 'til I find my own threads?
Jay: Dude, he fell outta thin air. [Silent Bob complies with Rufus request and removes his jacket.] Dude, his piece will be rubbin' the inside of your armor! Dude!
Rufus: Hey, thanks. I'll do my best to tuck it back.
Bethany: No heartbeat.
Jay: You think someone threw him out of a plane with a message written on him like in Con Air? (to Bethany) You ever see that flick?
[The body starts to move, and the others back away from it.]
Rufus: Oh, did that suck! Con Air, con shit!
Jay: Kill it, kill it!
Rufus: Sounds familiar.
Bethany: Jesus! Are you okay?
Rufus: It's Rufus, and yeah, I'm fine.
Jay: It's the ****ing un-dead! Cut its head off!
Rufus: Hey! What I did just gave me a ****ing migraine! So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna yank ya' sack off like a paper towel!
Bethany: Speaking of which, you're awfully nude. Rufus, was it?
Rufus: Yes, Rufus it is. Usually "Long" Rufus, but it's kinda cold out here, you understand. (to Silent Bob) Hey, Biggie, how 'bout lending me your coat 'til I find my own threads?
Jay: Dude, he fell outta thin air. [Silent Bob complies with Rufus request and removes his jacket.] Dude, his piece will be rubbin' the inside of your armor! Dude!
Rufus: Hey, thanks. I'll do my best to tuck it back.
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Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Christ? You knew Christ?
Rufus: Knew Him? Shit, **** owes me twelve bucks.
Rufus: Knew Him? Shit, **** owes me twelve bucks.
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Bethany: How did you know where to find us?
Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? Watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.
Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? Watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.
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Bethany: What's your beef with the Bible?
Rufus: Well, for starters, I'm not in it.
Jay: Well, neither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitching and moaning.
Rufus: Yeah, but I'm supposed to be in it. I was the thirteenth apostle.
Bethany (laughing): I've been going to church my whole life, and I've never heard of a thirteenth apostle named Rufus.
Rufus: Yeah, but you've heard of the other twelve apostles. They were all white boys, I might add. But no mention of me, Rufus. And why is that? 'Cause I'm a black man. But you know what? That's just my pet peeve. I'm mainly here to correct a major error that you people have been basing the faith on.
Bethany: What's that?
Rufus: Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black.
Jay: I don't buy it.
Bethany: If that's true, then why did He get written about and you were left out?
Rufus: Well, He is the Son of God. Kind of hard to have a New Testament without Him. So, you fudge a few facts, you put a spin on his ethnicity, leaving me out is okay 'cause you still got twelve white boys to choose from.
Rufus: Well, for starters, I'm not in it.
Jay: Well, neither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitching and moaning.
Rufus: Yeah, but I'm supposed to be in it. I was the thirteenth apostle.
Bethany (laughing): I've been going to church my whole life, and I've never heard of a thirteenth apostle named Rufus.
Rufus: Yeah, but you've heard of the other twelve apostles. They were all white boys, I might add. But no mention of me, Rufus. And why is that? 'Cause I'm a black man. But you know what? That's just my pet peeve. I'm mainly here to correct a major error that you people have been basing the faith on.
Bethany: What's that?
Rufus: Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black.
Jay: I don't buy it.
Bethany: If that's true, then why did He get written about and you were left out?
Rufus: Well, He is the Son of God. Kind of hard to have a New Testament without Him. So, you fudge a few facts, you put a spin on his ethnicity, leaving me out is okay 'cause you still got twelve white boys to choose from.
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Rufus: You know, that's just what the good people of Antioch was saying, right before they stoned my ass.
Bethany: You were martyred?
Rufus: Well, that's one way of putting it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to shit by big ****ing rocks.
Bethany: You were martyred?
Rufus: Well, that's one way of putting it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to shit by big ****ing rocks.
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Bethany: You know, two days ago I wasn't even sure God existed. Now I'm up to my ass in Christian mythology.
Rufus: Let me let you in on a little inside info. God hates it when it's referred to as "mythology".
Rufus: Let me let you in on a little inside info. God hates it when it's referred to as "mythology".
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Bartleby: You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first commandment. Not only that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
Loki: In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
Bartleby: Mr. Newman - you got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself two months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate, Mr. Brace. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and then used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe, because it was - survey says? - less costly.
[sees the female board member] Bartleby: You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you! [Thumbs-up] But you, Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than the rest of this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud.
[whispers something in Whitland's ear] Loki: You're his father, you sick ****!
[Whitland starts crying]
Loki: In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
Bartleby: Mr. Newman - you got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself two months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate, Mr. Brace. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and then used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe, because it was - survey says? - less costly.
[sees the female board member] Bartleby: You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you! [Thumbs-up] But you, Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than the rest of this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud.
[whispers something in Whitland's ear] Loki: You're his father, you sick ****!
[Whitland starts crying]
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(Loki, having just gunned down the corrupt board members at Mooby corporate HQ, helps the blood-spattered sole survivor to her feet and offers her a stick of gum.)
Loki: Gum? Go on, it's okay. You've done nothing wrong. Those other guys were finks. You're a pure soul. But you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed! (he brandishes his gun in her face)
Miss Pryce: Aaagh! (she covers her head.)
Bartleby, (from outside boardroom): Loki!
Loki, (to Ms. Pryce): You're getting off light!
Bartleby: Loki!
Loki: I know, I'm coming. (muttering) You're so lucky.
Loki: Gum? Go on, it's okay. You've done nothing wrong. Those other guys were finks. You're a pure soul. But you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed! (he brandishes his gun in her face)
Miss Pryce: Aaagh! (she covers her head.)
Bartleby, (from outside boardroom): Loki!
Loki, (to Ms. Pryce): You're getting off light!
Bartleby: Loki!
Loki: I know, I'm coming. (muttering) You're so lucky.
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(Rufus has recognized the girl at the strip club as the muse Serendipity.)
Rufus: I forgot you were down here. How long now?
Serendipity: Three years this August.
Bethany: Let me guess. The fourteenth apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
Rufus: Oh, this girl's no woman.
Bethany: Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
Serendipity: What, these? You should know better than anyone at this table that tits don't make a woman.
Rufus: Hell, the tubby coat-wearing mother****er's got tits!
Serendipity: What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things: her legs. But as you can see-- (she stands and hikes up her skirt) --I lack definition.
Jay: (from the other side of the club) Hey! They're gettin' a free show! Lemme' see that shit!
Bethany: Oh, God, another angel like the Metatron.
Serendipity: How do you know Metatron? [to Rufus] How does she know Metatron?
Rufus: This is the last Scion.
Serendipity: You're kidding. Wow!
Bethany: I'm confused.
Rufus: Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel. Nor is she by any means a human being like I was and you are.
Serendipity: I used to be an abstract.
Bethany: Now I'm really confused.
Serendipity: I'm a muse, stupid!
Rufus: I forgot you were down here. How long now?
Serendipity: Three years this August.
Bethany: Let me guess. The fourteenth apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
Rufus: Oh, this girl's no woman.
Bethany: Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
Serendipity: What, these? You should know better than anyone at this table that tits don't make a woman.
Rufus: Hell, the tubby coat-wearing mother****er's got tits!
Serendipity: What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things: her legs. But as you can see-- (she stands and hikes up her skirt) --I lack definition.
Jay: (from the other side of the club) Hey! They're gettin' a free show! Lemme' see that shit!
Bethany: Oh, God, another angel like the Metatron.
Serendipity: How do you know Metatron? [to Rufus] How does she know Metatron?
Rufus: This is the last Scion.
Serendipity: You're kidding. Wow!
Bethany: I'm confused.
Rufus: Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel. Nor is she by any means a human being like I was and you are.
Serendipity: I used to be an abstract.
Bethany: Now I'm really confused.
Serendipity: I'm a muse, stupid!
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Serendipity: I used to specialize in entertainment. For example, I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.
Bethany: Nineteen?
Serendipity: ...Yeah... The one about the kid by himself in his house, burglars are trying to come in and he fights them off? Ah! (she makes a Macaulay Culkin face) I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.
Bethany: Nineteen?
Serendipity: ...Yeah... The one about the kid by himself in his house, burglars are trying to come in and he fights them off? Ah! (she makes a Macaulay Culkin face) I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.
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Rufus: What are you doing stripping?
Serendipity: Well, you remember why I left, right?
Rufus: You were tired of doing all the work and getting none of the credit for your ideas.
Serendipity: So, I opted to quit being a muse. I gave my two weeks' notice, got a body, fifty bucks, and got sent out into the world to seek my fortune.
Bethany: So what happened?
Serendipity: ... Writer's block. Can you believe it? Me, a muse, for God's sake. I can inspire anyone I meet and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.
Bethany: Whose?
Serendipity: God's.
Bethany: You're saying God's a woman?
Serendipity: Was there ever a doubt in your mind?
Bethany: He's always referred to as "He".
Serendipity: Well, that's not the way I wrote it. But one of the drawbacks to being intangible is that you have no say in the editorial process. The people that held the pens added their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were men. So "She" became a "He".
Serendipity: Well, you remember why I left, right?
Rufus: You were tired of doing all the work and getting none of the credit for your ideas.
Serendipity: So, I opted to quit being a muse. I gave my two weeks' notice, got a body, fifty bucks, and got sent out into the world to seek my fortune.
Bethany: So what happened?
Serendipity: ... Writer's block. Can you believe it? Me, a muse, for God's sake. I can inspire anyone I meet and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.
Bethany: Whose?
Serendipity: God's.
Bethany: You're saying God's a woman?
Serendipity: Was there ever a doubt in your mind?
Bethany: He's always referred to as "He".
Serendipity: Well, that's not the way I wrote it. But one of the drawbacks to being intangible is that you have no say in the editorial process. The people that held the pens added their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were men. So "She" became a "He".
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Serendipity: Why is the last scion here?
Rufus: Bartleby and Loki. They found a way back.
Serendipity: Not the plenary indulgence loophole.
Bethany: You know about that?
Serendipity: I always knew that thing was a bad idea. Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
Rufus: Bartleby and Loki. They found a way back.
Serendipity: Not the plenary indulgence loophole.
Bethany: You know about that?
Serendipity: I always knew that thing was a bad idea. Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
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(Bartleby and Loki have missed the last bus to New Jersey.)
Bartleby: Nice. Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.
Loki: Oh, bus, schmuss. Anyway, w-why should we fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above?
Bartleby: You mean fly?
Loki: We got wings, right? ****, let's use 'em!
Azrael: I wouldn't suggest that. You see, kids, you wouldn't want to look like a couple of fairies, now would you?
Bartleby: Nice. Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.
Loki: Oh, bus, schmuss. Anyway, w-why should we fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above?
Bartleby: You mean fly?
Loki: We got wings, right? ****, let's use 'em!
Azrael: I wouldn't suggest that. You see, kids, you wouldn't want to look like a couple of fairies, now would you?
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Bartleby: Well, look at this pimp. How'd you get outta Hell?
Azrael: I told them I was coming up on a routine possession. Look, I don't have long; if they figure out my ruse, they'll come looking for me.
Loki: Hey, what's with bringing us in here?
Azrael: You two ****s are inches away from getting caught! Going around killing people, about to un-case your wings? Don't you have any idea what's going on?
Bartleby: Well, we're going home.
Azrael: Oh, really? Are you so clueless as to think that you can just waltz back into Heaven?
Bartleby: Why not?
Azrael: Everybody is looking for you. Both sides, above and below. Orders are to terminate you on sight.
Loki: Really?
Bartleby: Why?
Azrael: Because you're pissing people off, that's why! Word on the grapevine is that God's pissed off at your presumption, and I know Lucifer's pissed because you assholes might make him look bad by succeeding where he's failed so many times.
Bartleby: So they're just gonna kill us?
Azrael: They're gonna try! That's why you have to travel incognito. Tone down your behavior, stay off their respective radars. [to Loki] Quit killing people. That's high-profile.
Loki: Oh, lighten up!
Bartleby: I still can't believe they wanna kill us.
Azrael: Oh, believe it, boys. They've even got the last scion looking for you.
Loki: Really?
Bartleby: You're kidding me.
Azrael: This is huge, man. Your re-entry is a thorn in a lot of sides. And they'll stop at nothing—-I mean nothing--to prevent it. In the meantime, I suggest that you find an alternate mode of transportation. If anything else comes up, I'll contact you.
Bartleby: [shaking Azrael's hand] Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend.
Azrael: Look, I've gotta get back to the pit before they get suspicious. Remember, incognito.
Azrael: I told them I was coming up on a routine possession. Look, I don't have long; if they figure out my ruse, they'll come looking for me.
Loki: Hey, what's with bringing us in here?
Azrael: You two ****s are inches away from getting caught! Going around killing people, about to un-case your wings? Don't you have any idea what's going on?
Bartleby: Well, we're going home.
Azrael: Oh, really? Are you so clueless as to think that you can just waltz back into Heaven?
Bartleby: Why not?
Azrael: Everybody is looking for you. Both sides, above and below. Orders are to terminate you on sight.
Loki: Really?
Bartleby: Why?
Azrael: Because you're pissing people off, that's why! Word on the grapevine is that God's pissed off at your presumption, and I know Lucifer's pissed because you assholes might make him look bad by succeeding where he's failed so many times.
Bartleby: So they're just gonna kill us?
Azrael: They're gonna try! That's why you have to travel incognito. Tone down your behavior, stay off their respective radars. [to Loki] Quit killing people. That's high-profile.
Loki: Oh, lighten up!
Bartleby: I still can't believe they wanna kill us.
Azrael: Oh, believe it, boys. They've even got the last scion looking for you.
Loki: Really?
Bartleby: You're kidding me.
Azrael: This is huge, man. Your re-entry is a thorn in a lot of sides. And they'll stop at nothing—-I mean nothing--to prevent it. In the meantime, I suggest that you find an alternate mode of transportation. If anything else comes up, I'll contact you.
Bartleby: [shaking Azrael's hand] Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend.
Azrael: Look, I've gotta get back to the pit before they get suspicious. Remember, incognito.
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(Bethany and her group are now on a train. She and Rufus are in their cabin and have a small conversation.)
Bethany: What's He like?
Rufus: He likes to listen to people talk. I remember the old days when we were sittin' around the fire. You know, whenever we were goin' on about unimportant shit, He'd always have a smile on his face. His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out His name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism. The big one though, is the factioning of the religions. He said, "Mankind got it all wrong by takin' a good idea and building a belief structure out of it."
Bethany: So you're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus: I just think it's better to have an idea. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now because of the Catholic belief system in this Plenary Indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief, and if they're successful, you, me, all of this ends in a heartbeat. All over a belief.
Bethany: What's He like?
Rufus: He likes to listen to people talk. I remember the old days when we were sittin' around the fire. You know, whenever we were goin' on about unimportant shit, He'd always have a smile on his face. His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out His name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism. The big one though, is the factioning of the religions. He said, "Mankind got it all wrong by takin' a good idea and building a belief structure out of it."
Bethany: So you're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus: I just think it's better to have an idea. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now because of the Catholic belief system in this Plenary Indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief, and if they're successful, you, me, all of this ends in a heartbeat. All over a belief.
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(Bartleby, traveling as "Barry", has struck up a conversation with Bethany in a train's club car.)
Bartleby: You're divorced.
Bethany: That's a nice way of putting it. I call it being dumped.
Bartleby: I was, uh, dumped once.
Bethany: Don't you just constantly question your value? Like, "Why was I so easy to cast aside?"
Bartleby: And you, uh, wonder if the other party is gonna come to their senses and call you back.
Bethany: And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time.
Bartleby: When actually, it, uh, it hurts more.
Bethany: You know what we need?
Bartleby: What do we need?
Bethany: We need drinks. We need a lot of drinks.
Bartleby: You're divorced.
Bethany: That's a nice way of putting it. I call it being dumped.
Bartleby: I was, uh, dumped once.
Bethany: Don't you just constantly question your value? Like, "Why was I so easy to cast aside?"
Bartleby: And you, uh, wonder if the other party is gonna come to their senses and call you back.
Bethany: And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time.
Bartleby: When actually, it, uh, it hurts more.
Bethany: You know what we need?
Bartleby: What do we need?
Bethany: We need drinks. We need a lot of drinks.
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(After a lot of drinks, Bethany has revealed her "mission")
(Rufus walks into the car.)
Rufus: (still groggy from his nap) Where the hell is everybody? I doze of an-- (he sees Bartleby)
Bartleby: The Apostle!
Rufus: Holy shit!
Bethany: Rufus, I'd like you to meet my new friend Barry.
(Bartleby smashes a beer bottle and holds it up to Bethany's neck.)
Bethany: Oh! (laughs) Don't be such a show off, Barry.
Rufus: Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go, and we can talk about this.
Bethany: Bartleby?!
Bartleby: So Rufus, this is what it comes down to; slaughter by a meat-puppet.
Bethany: Get your ****ing hands off me, you dick-less son-of-a-bitch!
Bartleby: Save it, lady. A minute ago you were aching to top me off. Loki!
Loki: Oh shit, the Apostle!
Jay: [waking up after dozing off] Pete, I didn't **** in you, I swear--
Loki: [to Rufus] Hey man, what are you doing here?
Bartleby: She just told me that she was on a mission to New Jersey to stop two angels.
Loki: Hey, you think they're talking about us?
Bartleby: No, two other ****ing angels! Yeah, it's a pretty good chance! Whaddya say Rufus, you wanna be liquidated?!
Rufus: You haven't thought about the consequences of your re-entry!
Loki: Consequences, schmonsequences!
Bartleby: Guess what, we're goin' home, no matter whose pride it may offend.
Rufus: It's not a matter of pride, stupid!
Bartleby: Loki, kill the girl.
Loki: What are you, high? I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything, you know that.
Bartleby: Then guess what, I'll kill her.
Jay: What the ****'s going on? I fall asleep and everyone moves, these guys are ****ing flat leavers.
Bartleby: Loki, shut his mouth.
(Rufus walks into the car.)
Rufus: (still groggy from his nap) Where the hell is everybody? I doze of an-- (he sees Bartleby)
Bartleby: The Apostle!
Rufus: Holy shit!
Bethany: Rufus, I'd like you to meet my new friend Barry.
(Bartleby smashes a beer bottle and holds it up to Bethany's neck.)
Bethany: Oh! (laughs) Don't be such a show off, Barry.
Rufus: Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go, and we can talk about this.
Bethany: Bartleby?!
Bartleby: So Rufus, this is what it comes down to; slaughter by a meat-puppet.
Bethany: Get your ****ing hands off me, you dick-less son-of-a-bitch!
Bartleby: Save it, lady. A minute ago you were aching to top me off. Loki!
Loki: Oh shit, the Apostle!
Jay: [waking up after dozing off] Pete, I didn't **** in you, I swear--
Loki: [to Rufus] Hey man, what are you doing here?
Bartleby: She just told me that she was on a mission to New Jersey to stop two angels.
Loki: Hey, you think they're talking about us?
Bartleby: No, two other ****ing angels! Yeah, it's a pretty good chance! Whaddya say Rufus, you wanna be liquidated?!
Rufus: You haven't thought about the consequences of your re-entry!
Loki: Consequences, schmonsequences!
Bartleby: Guess what, we're goin' home, no matter whose pride it may offend.
Rufus: It's not a matter of pride, stupid!
Bartleby: Loki, kill the girl.
Loki: What are you, high? I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything, you know that.
Bartleby: Then guess what, I'll kill her.
Jay: What the ****'s going on? I fall asleep and everyone moves, these guys are ****ing flat leavers.
Bartleby: Loki, shut his mouth.
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(Bartleby and Loki regroup after encountering Bethany, Rufus, and the "prophets" on a train.)
Loki: The apostle is here!
Bartleby: I noticed!
Loki: Well, then you know who the chick with him was, don't you?
Bartleby: The last Scion, I imagine!
Loki: Shit, man, look, maybe we should rethink this whole thing. I mean, I mean you heard the guy — he said there are "consequences"? And Azrael tells us we're marked? Look, man, there is more to this than we thought about.
Bartleby: I was close, you know? I was so close to slitting that bitch's throat.
Loki: Whoa.
Bartleby: You know how I felt? Righteous. Justified. Eager, even.
Loki: Are you all right, man? Your eyes are kind of--
Bartleby: My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See, in the beginning, it was just us and Him--angels and God. Then, He created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore Him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the Divine Presence, and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way He made us! Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no! We're servants!
Loki: Okay. You know, all I'm saying here is that one of us might need a little nap.
Bartleby: Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He has shown them infinite ****ing patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you, once, to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise. Where was His infinite ****ing patience then?! It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time? Don't you think it's time we went home? (a pause) And to do that, I--I think we might have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
Loki:Wait. Wait-wait. Kill them? You're talking about the last scion, for Christ's sake. And what about Jay and Bob? I mean, those guys were all right.
Bartleby: Don't. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you, they did me once. Scion or not, she's still just a human, and by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven, no harm, no foul.
Loki: My God... I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: What did you say?
Loki: I said I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: Don't you ****ing do that to me!
Loki: You sound like the Morningstar.
Bartleby: You shut your ****ing mouth!
Loki: You do! You sound like Lucifer, man! You've ****ing lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby, you're talking about ****ing war on God! Well, **** that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the Throne! I'm going back to Wisconsin.
(Loki tries to leave; Bartleby catches him by the lapels and slams him into a pillar.)
Bartleby: We're going home, Loki. And no one, not you, not even the Almighty Himself, is gonna make that otherwise.
Loki: The apostle is here!
Bartleby: I noticed!
Loki: Well, then you know who the chick with him was, don't you?
Bartleby: The last Scion, I imagine!
Loki: Shit, man, look, maybe we should rethink this whole thing. I mean, I mean you heard the guy — he said there are "consequences"? And Azrael tells us we're marked? Look, man, there is more to this than we thought about.
Bartleby: I was close, you know? I was so close to slitting that bitch's throat.
Loki: Whoa.
Bartleby: You know how I felt? Righteous. Justified. Eager, even.
Loki: Are you all right, man? Your eyes are kind of--
Bartleby: My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See, in the beginning, it was just us and Him--angels and God. Then, He created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore Him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the Divine Presence, and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way He made us! Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no! We're servants!
Loki: Okay. You know, all I'm saying here is that one of us might need a little nap.
Bartleby: Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He has shown them infinite ****ing patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you, once, to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise. Where was His infinite ****ing patience then?! It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time? Don't you think it's time we went home? (a pause) And to do that, I--I think we might have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
Loki:Wait. Wait-wait. Kill them? You're talking about the last scion, for Christ's sake. And what about Jay and Bob? I mean, those guys were all right.
Bartleby: Don't. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you, they did me once. Scion or not, she's still just a human, and by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven, no harm, no foul.
Loki: My God... I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: What did you say?
Loki: I said I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: Don't you ****ing do that to me!
Loki: You sound like the Morningstar.
Bartleby: You shut your ****ing mouth!
Loki: You do! You sound like Lucifer, man! You've ****ing lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby, you're talking about ****ing war on God! Well, **** that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the Throne! I'm going back to Wisconsin.
(Loki tries to leave; Bartleby catches him by the lapels and slams him into a pillar.)
Bartleby: We're going home, Loki. And no one, not you, not even the Almighty Himself, is gonna make that otherwise.
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(The group is in the woods.)
Bethany:I don't know why we had to leave the train, you threw those guys off.
Rufus: Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.
Bethany:I don't know why we had to leave the train, you threw those guys off.
Rufus: Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.
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Bethany: Why me? Out of all the people on the god damn planet, why was I tapped?
Rufus: ...Imagine you're a twelve year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son. But more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe, say, I don't know, eighteen years? In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from age twelve to thirty- twelve to thirty. Now that's some pretty bad storytelling. Where are the volumes of text dealing with the missing eighteen years? I'll tell you where- they were offered up as a sacrifice to the god of e****enical politics.
Bethany: You make it sound like there's some church conspiracy to cover up the truth about Christ. [is responded to with silence] ...Bullshit. Any important information about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why would they leave any of it out?
Rufus: Because it's all closely tied in with his family.
Bethany: His mother and father?
Rufus: His brothers and sisters.
Bethany: Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters. Mary was a virgin.
Rufus: Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a man's touch, this is true - but she did have a husband. And do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin Birth-- those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? That's just plain gullibility!
Bethany: Meaning?
Rufus: The blood that flows through your veins shares a chromosome or two, at the genetic level, with the one you call Jesus. Bethany, you are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandniece of Jesus Christ.
Jay: ... So, that would make Bethany part black?
Rufus: ...Imagine you're a twelve year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son. But more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe, say, I don't know, eighteen years? In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from age twelve to thirty- twelve to thirty. Now that's some pretty bad storytelling. Where are the volumes of text dealing with the missing eighteen years? I'll tell you where- they were offered up as a sacrifice to the god of e****enical politics.
Bethany: You make it sound like there's some church conspiracy to cover up the truth about Christ. [is responded to with silence] ...Bullshit. Any important information about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why would they leave any of it out?
Rufus: Because it's all closely tied in with his family.
Bethany: His mother and father?
Rufus: His brothers and sisters.
Bethany: Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters. Mary was a virgin.
Rufus: Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a man's touch, this is true - but she did have a husband. And do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin Birth-- those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? That's just plain gullibility!
Bethany: Meaning?
Rufus: The blood that flows through your veins shares a chromosome or two, at the genetic level, with the one you call Jesus. Bethany, you are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandniece of Jesus Christ.
Jay: ... So, that would make Bethany part black?
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(Bethany is running through the woods and runs into a lake)
Bethany: (screaming at God) Why?!! What the **** do You want from me?! (she flails her arms in anger in the water) I ****ing hate You!!! (now crying) I hate You.
Metatron: (suddenly standing on the water before her) He can't hear you, you know. That's why we needed you.
Bethany: Why didn't you tell me?
Metatron: Would you... could you, have believed me? It was something you had to come to gradually. Only after everything you've seen, everything you've heard, could you possibly be able to accept the truth.
Bethany: I don't want this... it's too big...
Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, not to be able to tell the son Himself, because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form. So... I had to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children- I had to tell this little boy that he was God's only son, and that it meant a lifetime of persecution, and eventual crucifixion, at the hands of the very people he'd come to enlighten and redeem. ... He begged to take it all back... as if I could. He begged me to 'make it all not true', and let me let you in on something, Bethany, it's something I've never told anyone before. If I had the power... I would have. It's unfair! It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility, and it's unfair to ask you to do the same now. I sympathize, I do- I wish I could take it all back... but I can't. This... is who you are.
Bethany: ... Everything I am has been a lie?
Metatron: No, no no, knowing who you are now, doesn't mean you aren't who you were. You are Bethany Sloan! No one can take that away from you, not even God! ... All this means is a redefinition of that identity- the incorporation of this new data into who you are. Be who you've always been. Just... be this as well, from time to time.
Bethany: [Is finally able to smile a little] I guess this means no more cheating on my taxes?
Metatron: To say the least.
Bethany: (screaming at God) Why?!! What the **** do You want from me?! (she flails her arms in anger in the water) I ****ing hate You!!! (now crying) I hate You.
Metatron: (suddenly standing on the water before her) He can't hear you, you know. That's why we needed you.
Bethany: Why didn't you tell me?
Metatron: Would you... could you, have believed me? It was something you had to come to gradually. Only after everything you've seen, everything you've heard, could you possibly be able to accept the truth.
Bethany: I don't want this... it's too big...
Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, not to be able to tell the son Himself, because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form. So... I had to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children- I had to tell this little boy that he was God's only son, and that it meant a lifetime of persecution, and eventual crucifixion, at the hands of the very people he'd come to enlighten and redeem. ... He begged to take it all back... as if I could. He begged me to 'make it all not true', and let me let you in on something, Bethany, it's something I've never told anyone before. If I had the power... I would have. It's unfair! It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility, and it's unfair to ask you to do the same now. I sympathize, I do- I wish I could take it all back... but I can't. This... is who you are.
Bethany: ... Everything I am has been a lie?
Metatron: No, no no, knowing who you are now, doesn't mean you aren't who you were. You are Bethany Sloan! No one can take that away from you, not even God! ... All this means is a redefinition of that identity- the incorporation of this new data into who you are. Be who you've always been. Just... be this as well, from time to time.
Bethany: [Is finally able to smile a little] I guess this means no more cheating on my taxes?
Metatron: To say the least.
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(Metatron teleported Bethany, Rufus, Jay and Silent Bob to a restaurant)
Jay: (Referring to his joint) ****, man, I think this shit just kicked it.
Rufus: Excuse me, weren't we just in the woods? What are we doing here now?
(Metatron sits down)
Metatron: Going out in style.
Rufus: The Voice!
Metatron: (Sarcastically) The apostle.
Jay: Now who is this mother****er?
Rufus: It's the Voice of God. Show some respect.
Jay: Oh, the Voice of God? Where's the rest of him?
Metatron: (Referring to God being kidnapped) It's funny you should mention that. We're not sure.
Jay: (Referring to his joint) ****, man, I think this shit just kicked it.
Rufus: Excuse me, weren't we just in the woods? What are we doing here now?
(Metatron sits down)
Metatron: Going out in style.
Rufus: The Voice!
Metatron: (Sarcastically) The apostle.
Jay: Now who is this mother****er?
Rufus: It's the Voice of God. Show some respect.
Jay: Oh, the Voice of God? Where's the rest of him?
Metatron: (Referring to God being kidnapped) It's funny you should mention that. We're not sure.
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(Metatron explains when God went missing.)
Metatron: You know those constitutionals He likes to take?
Bethany: Constitutionals?
Rufus: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point. God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.
Metatron: The Lord has quite a fancy for the game. He's been playing it for years. He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. Doesn't tell anybody where he's playing, just goes away for a couple of hours. And from what I understand, he always gives his free points away to the neighborhood children- isn't that sweet?
Metatron: You know those constitutionals He likes to take?
Bethany: Constitutionals?
Rufus: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point. God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.
Metatron: The Lord has quite a fancy for the game. He's been playing it for years. He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. Doesn't tell anybody where he's playing, just goes away for a couple of hours. And from what I understand, he always gives his free points away to the neighborhood children- isn't that sweet?
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Jay: Here, it's the guy in charge of the church thing (he hands over a newspaper)
Bethany: Cardinal Glick?
Jay: Maybe we can just ask him to shut down the church. If it's closed that day, uh, those guys can't get blessed or whatever, right?
Metatron: Good Lord. The little stoner's got a point!
Bethany: Cardinal Glick?
Jay: Maybe we can just ask him to shut down the church. If it's closed that day, uh, those guys can't get blessed or whatever, right?
Metatron: Good Lord. The little stoner's got a point!
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Cardinal Glick: Mass attendance is at an all-time low in this country. But if we can let 'em know the Catholic church has a little panache, we can win 'em back - even get some new ones. Excuse me. (he practice-putts a golf ball into an overturned chalice) Fill them pews, people! That's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.
Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers...
Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers...
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Cardinal Glick: So, I assume you're looking to help out in some way.
Bethany: We'd like you to cancel the ceremony.
Cardinal Glick: ...I beg your pardon?
Bethany: There's gonna be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward as planned.
Cardinal Glick: (pause) Are you... pro-choice?
Bethany: No, no. The trouble's not from us. It's from these two renegade angels who've been stuck on earth since the plagues — (Rufus nudges her) Um, these guys, they think they're renegade angels.
Rufus: See, Padre, it goes down like this. These guys think that by passing through that archway, they can go straight to Heaven.
Cardinal Glick: You want me to call off the ceremony for that? Who sent you?
Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called "I am"!
Cardinal Glick: Cute. Really cute. Listen, kids, play-time with the cardinal is over.
Rufus: Worked for Moses.
Bethany: [to Rufus] Stay out of this.
Cardinal Glick: Let's go.
Bethany: Your Eminence, this isn't a joke
Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.
Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
Rufus: Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany: And its platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?
Cardinal Glick: ...All right, mistakes were made, but you can't hold Holy Mother Church responsible for the mistakes of old! Now I'm a very important man with very important business to attend to, so if you please!
Bethany: But tomorrow--
Cardinal Glick: Tomorrow goes off without a hitch! Do I make myself clear? Neither you, nor any other influence short of the hand of God Himself, is gonna keep this thing from going off without a hitch!
Bethany: We'd like you to cancel the ceremony.
Cardinal Glick: ...I beg your pardon?
Bethany: There's gonna be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward as planned.
Cardinal Glick: (pause) Are you... pro-choice?
Bethany: No, no. The trouble's not from us. It's from these two renegade angels who've been stuck on earth since the plagues — (Rufus nudges her) Um, these guys, they think they're renegade angels.
Rufus: See, Padre, it goes down like this. These guys think that by passing through that archway, they can go straight to Heaven.
Cardinal Glick: You want me to call off the ceremony for that? Who sent you?
Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called "I am"!
Cardinal Glick: Cute. Really cute. Listen, kids, play-time with the cardinal is over.
Rufus: Worked for Moses.
Bethany: [to Rufus] Stay out of this.
Cardinal Glick: Let's go.
Bethany: Your Eminence, this isn't a joke
Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.
Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
Rufus: Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany: And its platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?
Cardinal Glick: ...All right, mistakes were made, but you can't hold Holy Mother Church responsible for the mistakes of old! Now I'm a very important man with very important business to attend to, so if you please!
Bethany: But tomorrow--
Cardinal Glick: Tomorrow goes off without a hitch! Do I make myself clear? Neither you, nor any other influence short of the hand of God Himself, is gonna keep this thing from going off without a hitch!
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Bethany: I see the headlines now, if there were gonna be any headlines. "Existence Erased".
Jay: Don't worry about it. We evened the score. Hand it over, Silent Bob. (Bob pulls a golf club out of his jacket) What up.
Rufus: You stole the cardinal's driver?
Jay: That's what he gets for messin' with our girlfriend. Cross-dressing ****.
Bethany: That's sort of sweet. Thanks, guys.
Jay: Don't worry about it. We evened the score. Hand it over, Silent Bob. (Bob pulls a golf club out of his jacket) What up.
Rufus: You stole the cardinal's driver?
Jay: That's what he gets for messin' with our girlfriend. Cross-dressing ****.
Bethany: That's sort of sweet. Thanks, guys.
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Cardinal Glick: Now, let me tell you a little bit of history about this particular hundred-years-young house of God.
Bartleby (emerging from crowd): God's house? God doesn't live here anymore! He's grown weary of your superficial faith. He's turned a deaf ear to your lip-service prayers. He has abandoned you, His favorites, to the whim of judgment. Hypocrites, charlatans, prepare to taste God's wrath!
Loki: Maybe we should just leave.
Bartleby: You wanted your body count, you got it. This crowd is rife with sin. We'll judge them all.
Cardinal Glick: Officer McGhee?
Officer McGhee: All right, mouthpiece, let's leave the nice Cardinal alone and go for a ride.
Bartleby: Mister McGhee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Officer McGhee: Is that so?
(Bartleby snaps McGhee's neck with one hand; the crowd screams and starts to scatter.)
Bartleby: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of violations against our Almighty God. And this very day, I assure you, you will pay for your trespasses, in blood! (to Loki) Wings. Now.
Loki: I'm feeling a little exposed, here.
Bartleby: Do it!
Bartleby (emerging from crowd): God's house? God doesn't live here anymore! He's grown weary of your superficial faith. He's turned a deaf ear to your lip-service prayers. He has abandoned you, His favorites, to the whim of judgment. Hypocrites, charlatans, prepare to taste God's wrath!
Loki: Maybe we should just leave.
Bartleby: You wanted your body count, you got it. This crowd is rife with sin. We'll judge them all.
Cardinal Glick: Officer McGhee?
Officer McGhee: All right, mouthpiece, let's leave the nice Cardinal alone and go for a ride.
Bartleby: Mister McGhee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Officer McGhee: Is that so?
(Bartleby snaps McGhee's neck with one hand; the crowd screams and starts to scatter.)
Bartleby: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of violations against our Almighty God. And this very day, I assure you, you will pay for your trespasses, in blood! (to Loki) Wings. Now.
Loki: I'm feeling a little exposed, here.
Bartleby: Do it!
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[Azrael has Bethany and the others captive at a bar]
Bethany: So he's (Azrael) a muse too?
Serendipity: Former muse. [to Azrael in a sing-song voice] He was kicked out!
Azrael: Ever the ****ing apple polisher.
Bethany: So, what happened?
Azrael: Yes, what? Well, Lucifer had to start his little war for the throne; Heaven became divided into two factions: the Faithful and the Renegades. Oh, the ethereal planes were chaotic with battles, angel against angel, and when it was all said and done, God cast the rebels into perdition--
Serendipity: But Azrael refused to fight. He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.
Jay: What are you? Some kinda ****in' chicken?
Azrael: No .I was an artist, stupid! I was inspiration! A muse has no place in battle.
Serendipity: So after the fallen were banished to Hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons; something he considers a "grave injustice".
Azrael: Oh, come on. Don't tell me you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity.
Serendipity: Nope. It never bothered me. So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from serving his country in time of war. That's why he's the King, and you're a shmuck!
Azrael: [sourly] Nice.
Bethany: So all of this is about revenge? You're going to unmake existence because you have a grudge against God?
Azrael: After the first million years? No; the escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason. So, I studied up on the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself, which it did in Catholicism--Plenary Indulgence--but I couldn't exercise it; demons can't become human. No, we can't tran-substantiate, but angels can.
Bethany: Bartleby and Loki.
Azrael: [he taps his finger to his temple as to indicate that she's figured it out] After that, it was all a matter of waiting for a church to celebrate their bicentennial, and when it did, I sent the pair an article laced with ideas. An incantation I picked up in the pit kept them cloaked and off of Heaven's radars, and aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan, not a soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on. But, the Almighty could still splooch the whole deal, so I had Him dispatched in a fairly ingenious fashion.
Serendipity: [correcting Azrael] Her. And how? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
Azrael: Oh, no. I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you don't reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you think you are to winning. [Serendipity sighs in mock disappointment] The only x-factor was the involvement of the Last Scion here, but fat lotta good that did ya. I mean, here you all are. [he tosses his machine gun to one of the triplets] Powerless to stop the inevitable.
Bethany: Look, asshole. I don't know if anyone's explained the rules to you, but if you succeed, everything gets blinked out of existence; even you!
Azrael: Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. I'd rather not exist than go back to that, and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it!
Serendipity: [gets out of her seat and pushes Azrael] Still only thinking about yourself; you ****in' child!
Azrael: [calmly speaking and forcefully pushing her back into her seat having one of the triplets guard her] Now ,now, now, things are getting a little hectic in here.
Bethany: So he's (Azrael) a muse too?
Serendipity: Former muse. [to Azrael in a sing-song voice] He was kicked out!
Azrael: Ever the ****ing apple polisher.
Bethany: So, what happened?
Azrael: Yes, what? Well, Lucifer had to start his little war for the throne; Heaven became divided into two factions: the Faithful and the Renegades. Oh, the ethereal planes were chaotic with battles, angel against angel, and when it was all said and done, God cast the rebels into perdition--
Serendipity: But Azrael refused to fight. He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.
Jay: What are you? Some kinda ****in' chicken?
Azrael: No .I was an artist, stupid! I was inspiration! A muse has no place in battle.
Serendipity: So after the fallen were banished to Hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons; something he considers a "grave injustice".
Azrael: Oh, come on. Don't tell me you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity.
Serendipity: Nope. It never bothered me. So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from serving his country in time of war. That's why he's the King, and you're a shmuck!
Azrael: [sourly] Nice.
Bethany: So all of this is about revenge? You're going to unmake existence because you have a grudge against God?
Azrael: After the first million years? No; the escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason. So, I studied up on the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself, which it did in Catholicism--Plenary Indulgence--but I couldn't exercise it; demons can't become human. No, we can't tran-substantiate, but angels can.
Bethany: Bartleby and Loki.
Azrael: [he taps his finger to his temple as to indicate that she's figured it out] After that, it was all a matter of waiting for a church to celebrate their bicentennial, and when it did, I sent the pair an article laced with ideas. An incantation I picked up in the pit kept them cloaked and off of Heaven's radars, and aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan, not a soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on. But, the Almighty could still splooch the whole deal, so I had Him dispatched in a fairly ingenious fashion.
Serendipity: [correcting Azrael] Her. And how? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
Azrael: Oh, no. I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you don't reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you think you are to winning. [Serendipity sighs in mock disappointment] The only x-factor was the involvement of the Last Scion here, but fat lotta good that did ya. I mean, here you all are. [he tosses his machine gun to one of the triplets] Powerless to stop the inevitable.
Bethany: Look, asshole. I don't know if anyone's explained the rules to you, but if you succeed, everything gets blinked out of existence; even you!
Azrael: Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. I'd rather not exist than go back to that, and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it!
Serendipity: [gets out of her seat and pushes Azrael] Still only thinking about yourself; you ****in' child!
Azrael: [calmly speaking and forcefully pushing her back into her seat having one of the triplets guard her] Now ,now, now, things are getting a little hectic in here.
View Quote
[Bethany and her group have arrived at the church]
Bethany: Oh my God. [she places her face on Rufus's shoulder]
[The camera pans to show the slaughter of all the people at the church]
Jay: And people wonder why I don't go to church anymore.
Rufus: Are we too late?
Serendipity: To save these poor shmogs? [pause] Yeah, but we still exist.
Bethany: Where are they?
Rufus: They could already be in the church.
Serendipity: Which means if they come out, nobody touches them.
Jay: Are you ****ing kidding me? Homeboy right here's gonna hit 'em with his "Angel, be good" spell, ain'tcha, homie? [looks at Rufus and he rolls his eyes]
Serendipity: If they go in that archway, they come out clean, and if they die, they go straight up, and hello? [knocks on Jay's head] We know what happens then, right?
Jay: Why don't they just kill themselves?
Bethany: It's a mortal sin; you die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn. They're not tryin' to get to hell.
Jay: Then what the **** are supposed to do? Just wait for a solution to fall outta the ****in' sky? [right then, a body falls out of the sky in front of them, his head exploding on impact and they glance in shock] Friend of yours?
Loki: No, that was a cardinal. [the camera goes to him holding a wine bottle and his wings cut off] You can't tell from his face but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.
Jay: It's one of them; kill that mother****er! [he preps the machine gun taken from Azrael, but Bethany and Silent Bob knock it out of his hands]
Bethany: No! Don't you understand; we can't touch him!
Jay: I wasn't gonna touch him; I was gonna shoot his ass!
Loki: [looking up] Yeah, he's been at it for a while. [everyone else looks up to see Bartleby with a bystander in his hands] We-we ran outta parishioners, and so we just started pickin' folk up off the road and just droppin' 'em. This is just eons of repression getting purged. If only He let us just jerk off, y'know? [everybody looks at him with disgust] Oh-j-just take a-take a step back. [the bystander that Bartleby had lands right in front of them and Bethany shrieks then runs toward Loki while the others try to hold her back]
Bethany: N-let me go! [to Loki while pushing him] Why?! What are you trying to prove?! All those people!!
Loki: Hey, this wasn't my idea, all right?! [he pushes her out of the way, then Jay and Bob try to attack him, but Rufus holds them back] Jesus Christ! I just wanted to go home, with him [Bartleby], y'know? But he just lost it! He figured out who you were and what you were gonna have to do; he-h-h-he just snapped! And the funny thing is this guy couldn't stand to see me work! He-h-h-he said he felt sorry for you people. ... Now look at him.
Jay: This guy's ****in' drunker than hell!
Serendipity: Which means he's human now. His wings have been cut off. [she drops his severed wing and approaches him] Loki...Loki...
Loki: [realizing who she is] The muse?! Oh, no way! How long's it be--you look terrific, whoa! Hey, what's with the tits; can I--?
Serendipity: Have you gone through the archway? [Bob helps Bethany up and she asks him again] Tell me, have you gone in and out of the archway yet?!
Bartleby: [ominously] No! [he then descends down in front of the church]
Loki: Uup, he's back. [Loki then walks away]
[Everybody then looks up at him while he descends from the sky and finally lands in front of the church archway.]
Bartleby: We were awaiting your arrival.
Serendipity: Bartleby, look, listen to me; Azrael was just using you! If you go through--[Bartleby then slaps her down to the ground]
Bartleby: I've become aware of the repercussions, muse. I know what I'm doing.
Bethany: [running up to him and pushing him] You sick twisted ****!
Bartleby: [grabbing Bethany and holding his knife to her neck] Bethany. [Jay and Bob try to go for him, but Rufus holds them back] You of all people should know what I'm trying to accomplish here. You too know what it's like to be cast aside. You've dealt with the pain for a few years. I've dealt with it for a millenia. So, even though you can't see your ex-husband, or how blissful he is with his new wife--[pause] --and he is, [Jay and Bob again try to go for him with Rufus holding them back] I've seen you people everyday being a constant reminder that though, my kind came first, your kind was most revered. And while you know forgiveness, we only know regret. [turning her around to face him] The lesson must be taught. All are accountable, even God! [he pushes her to Jay, Bob and Rufus] Soon, a cadre of police will be here to execute us while we exit the church, and then this failed experiment called "existence" will cease to be.
Bethany: Oh my God. [she places her face on Rufus's shoulder]
[The camera pans to show the slaughter of all the people at the church]
Jay: And people wonder why I don't go to church anymore.
Rufus: Are we too late?
Serendipity: To save these poor shmogs? [pause] Yeah, but we still exist.
Bethany: Where are they?
Rufus: They could already be in the church.
Serendipity: Which means if they come out, nobody touches them.
Jay: Are you ****ing kidding me? Homeboy right here's gonna hit 'em with his "Angel, be good" spell, ain'tcha, homie? [looks at Rufus and he rolls his eyes]
Serendipity: If they go in that archway, they come out clean, and if they die, they go straight up, and hello? [knocks on Jay's head] We know what happens then, right?
Jay: Why don't they just kill themselves?
Bethany: It's a mortal sin; you die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn. They're not tryin' to get to hell.
Jay: Then what the **** are supposed to do? Just wait for a solution to fall outta the ****in' sky? [right then, a body falls out of the sky in front of them, his head exploding on impact and they glance in shock] Friend of yours?
Loki: No, that was a cardinal. [the camera goes to him holding a wine bottle and his wings cut off] You can't tell from his face but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.
Jay: It's one of them; kill that mother****er! [he preps the machine gun taken from Azrael, but Bethany and Silent Bob knock it out of his hands]
Bethany: No! Don't you understand; we can't touch him!
Jay: I wasn't gonna touch him; I was gonna shoot his ass!
Loki: [looking up] Yeah, he's been at it for a while. [everyone else looks up to see Bartleby with a bystander in his hands] We-we ran outta parishioners, and so we just started pickin' folk up off the road and just droppin' 'em. This is just eons of repression getting purged. If only He let us just jerk off, y'know? [everybody looks at him with disgust] Oh-j-just take a-take a step back. [the bystander that Bartleby had lands right in front of them and Bethany shrieks then runs toward Loki while the others try to hold her back]
Bethany: N-let me go! [to Loki while pushing him] Why?! What are you trying to prove?! All those people!!
Loki: Hey, this wasn't my idea, all right?! [he pushes her out of the way, then Jay and Bob try to attack him, but Rufus holds them back] Jesus Christ! I just wanted to go home, with him [Bartleby], y'know? But he just lost it! He figured out who you were and what you were gonna have to do; he-h-h-he just snapped! And the funny thing is this guy couldn't stand to see me work! He-h-h-he said he felt sorry for you people. ... Now look at him.
Jay: This guy's ****in' drunker than hell!
Serendipity: Which means he's human now. His wings have been cut off. [she drops his severed wing and approaches him] Loki...Loki...
Loki: [realizing who she is] The muse?! Oh, no way! How long's it be--you look terrific, whoa! Hey, what's with the tits; can I--?
Serendipity: Have you gone through the archway? [Bob helps Bethany up and she asks him again] Tell me, have you gone in and out of the archway yet?!
Bartleby: [ominously] No! [he then descends down in front of the church]
Loki: Uup, he's back. [Loki then walks away]
[Everybody then looks up at him while he descends from the sky and finally lands in front of the church archway.]
Bartleby: We were awaiting your arrival.
Serendipity: Bartleby, look, listen to me; Azrael was just using you! If you go through--[Bartleby then slaps her down to the ground]
Bartleby: I've become aware of the repercussions, muse. I know what I'm doing.
Bethany: [running up to him and pushing him] You sick twisted ****!
Bartleby: [grabbing Bethany and holding his knife to her neck] Bethany. [Jay and Bob try to go for him, but Rufus holds them back] You of all people should know what I'm trying to accomplish here. You too know what it's like to be cast aside. You've dealt with the pain for a few years. I've dealt with it for a millenia. So, even though you can't see your ex-husband, or how blissful he is with his new wife--[pause] --and he is, [Jay and Bob again try to go for him with Rufus holding them back] I've seen you people everyday being a constant reminder that though, my kind came first, your kind was most revered. And while you know forgiveness, we only know regret. [turning her around to face him] The lesson must be taught. All are accountable, even God! [he pushes her to Jay, Bob and Rufus] Soon, a cadre of police will be here to execute us while we exit the church, and then this failed experiment called "existence" will cease to be.
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Bartleby: [as he stabs Loki] I'm sorry my friend, but you lost the faith.
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Bethany: Oh,my God, he's lost it! We're ****ed, we're absolutely ****ed!
Jay (grinning): I hear that shit.
Bethany: I can't believe this shit. We're on the brink of nonexistence and God's still nowhere to be found. What the **** kind of deity gets kidnapped?
Jay: Amen to that. (he pulls off his pants)
Bethany: What the hell are you doing?!
Jay: We got about five minutes left to live, the whole world's gonna end, you said you'd **** me.
Bethany: You're a pig.
Jay: Oh, what? Nobody's gonna beat that thing! Now we can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there, or we can get makin' with the love.
Bethany: What did you say?
Jay: "Make with the love". It's a nice way of saying "boning".
Bethany: No, about John Doe Jersey!
Jay (grinning): I hear that shit.
Bethany: I can't believe this shit. We're on the brink of nonexistence and God's still nowhere to be found. What the **** kind of deity gets kidnapped?
Jay: Amen to that. (he pulls off his pants)
Bethany: What the hell are you doing?!
Jay: We got about five minutes left to live, the whole world's gonna end, you said you'd **** me.
Bethany: You're a pig.
Jay: Oh, what? Nobody's gonna beat that thing! Now we can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there, or we can get makin' with the love.
Bethany: What did you say?
Jay: "Make with the love". It's a nice way of saying "boning".
Bethany: No, about John Doe Jersey!
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Bethany: Whatever you do, stall Bartleby from going into that church! Bob, come with me. Come on!
Jay: How am I supposed to do that?
Bethany: Think of something!
Jay: I already did, but it takes two of us!
Jay: How am I supposed to do that?
Bethany: Think of something!
Jay: I already did, but it takes two of us!
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Jay: Get off of me, I wanna see what's going on! What the **** is this shit?! (to God) Who the **** are you, lady?! (to Rufus & Serendipity) Why the **** did you hug my head?!
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there? (God nods.)
Jay: What the **** is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
Jay: What the **** does that mean?! Has everyone gone ****ing nuts?! What the **** happened to that guy's head?!!
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there? (God nods.)
Jay: What the **** is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
Jay: What the **** does that mean?! Has everyone gone ****ing nuts?! What the **** happened to that guy's head?!!
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Rufus: (to Jay and Bob) And if you clean up your language, I might just put in a good word for you two.
Silent Bob: Thanks!
Silent Bob: Thanks!