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Dogma

Dogma quotes

162 total quotes

Azrael
Bartleby
Bethany Sloane
Jay
Loki
Metatron
Multiple Characters
Rufus
Serendipity




View Quote (Rufus has recognized the girl at the strip club as the muse Serendipity.)
Rufus: I forgot you were down here. How long now?
Serendipity: Three years this August.
Bethany: Let me guess. The fourteenth apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
Rufus: Oh, this girl's no woman.
Bethany: Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
Serendipity: What, these? You should know better than anyone at this table that tits don't make a woman.
Rufus: Hell, the tubby coat-wearing mother****er's got tits!
Serendipity: What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things: her legs. But as you can see-- (she stands and hikes up her skirt) --I lack definition.
Jay: (from the other side of the club) Hey! They're gettin' a free show! Lemme' see that shit!
Bethany: Oh, God, another angel like the Metatron.
Serendipity: How do you know Metatron? [to Rufus] How does she know Metatron?
Rufus: This is the last Scion.
Serendipity: You're kidding. Wow!
Bethany: I'm confused.
Rufus: Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel. Nor is she by any means a human being like I was and you are.
Serendipity: I used to be an abstract.
Bethany: Now I'm really confused.
Serendipity: I'm a muse, stupid!
View Quote Cardinal Glick: So, I assume you're looking to help out in some way.
Bethany: We'd like you to cancel the ceremony.
Cardinal Glick: ...I beg your pardon?
Bethany: There's gonna be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward as planned.
Cardinal Glick: (pause) Are you... pro-choice?
Bethany: No, no. The trouble's not from us. It's from these two renegade angels who've been stuck on earth since the plagues — (Rufus nudges her) Um, these guys, they think they're renegade angels.
Rufus: See, Padre, it goes down like this. These guys think that by passing through that archway, they can go straight to Heaven.
Cardinal Glick: You want me to call off the ceremony for that? Who sent you?
Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called "I am"!
Cardinal Glick: Cute. Really cute. Listen, kids, play-time with the cardinal is over.
Rufus: Worked for Moses.
Bethany: [to Rufus] Stay out of this.
Cardinal Glick: Let's go.
Bethany: Your Eminence, this isn't a joke
Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.
Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
Rufus: Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany: And its platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?
Cardinal Glick: ...All right, mistakes were made, but you can't hold Holy Mother Church responsible for the mistakes of old! Now I'm a very important man with very important business to attend to, so if you please!
Bethany: But tomorrow--
Cardinal Glick: Tomorrow goes off without a hitch! Do I make myself clear? Neither you, nor any other influence short of the hand of God Himself, is gonna keep this thing from going off without a hitch!
View Quote (Bartleby and Loki regroup after encountering Bethany, Rufus, and the "prophets" on a train.)
Loki: The apostle is here!
Bartleby: I noticed!
Loki: Well, then you know who the chick with him was, don't you?
Bartleby: The last Scion, I imagine!
Loki: Shit, man, look, maybe we should rethink this whole thing. I mean, I mean you heard the guy — he said there are "consequences"? And Azrael tells us we're marked? Look, man, there is more to this than we thought about.
Bartleby: I was close, you know? I was so close to slitting that bitch's throat.
Loki: Whoa.
Bartleby: You know how I felt? Righteous. Justified. Eager, even.
Loki: Are you all right, man? Your eyes are kind of--
Bartleby: My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See, in the beginning, it was just us and Him--angels and God. Then, He created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore Him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the Divine Presence, and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way He made us! Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no! We're servants!
Loki: Okay. You know, all I'm saying here is that one of us might need a little nap.
Bartleby: Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He has shown them infinite ****ing patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you, once, to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise. Where was His infinite ****ing patience then?! It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time? Don't you think it's time we went home? (a pause) And to do that, I--I think we might have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
Loki:Wait. Wait-wait. Kill them? You're talking about the last scion, for Christ's sake. And what about Jay and Bob? I mean, those guys were all right.
Bartleby: Don't. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you, they did me once. Scion or not, she's still just a human, and by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven, no harm, no foul.
Loki: My God... I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: What did you say?
Loki: I said I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: Don't you ****ing do that to me!
Loki: You sound like the Morningstar.
Bartleby: You shut your ****ing mouth!
Loki: You do! You sound like Lucifer, man! You've ****ing lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby, you're talking about ****ing war on God! Well, **** that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the Throne! I'm going back to Wisconsin.
(Loki tries to leave; Bartleby catches him by the lapels and slams him into a pillar.)
Bartleby: We're going home, Loki. And no one, not you, not even the Almighty Himself, is gonna make that otherwise.
View Quote Bethany: Hey — what's He like?
Metatron: God? ...Lonely, but funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex, for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in Heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.
View Quote (Bethany is running through the woods and runs into a lake)
Bethany: (screaming at God) Why?!! What the **** do You want from me?! (she flails her arms in anger in the water) I ****ing hate You!!! (now crying) I hate You.
Metatron: (suddenly standing on the water before her) He can't hear you, you know. That's why we needed you.
Bethany: Why didn't you tell me?
Metatron: Would you... could you, have believed me? It was something you had to come to gradually. Only after everything you've seen, everything you've heard, could you possibly be able to accept the truth.
Bethany: I don't want this... it's too big...
Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, not to be able to tell the son Himself, because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form. So... I had to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children- I had to tell this little boy that he was God's only son, and that it meant a lifetime of persecution, and eventual crucifixion, at the hands of the very people he'd come to enlighten and redeem. ... He begged to take it all back... as if I could. He begged me to 'make it all not true', and let me let you in on something, Bethany, it's something I've never told anyone before. If I had the power... I would have. It's unfair! It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility, and it's unfair to ask you to do the same now. I sympathize, I do- I wish I could take it all back... but I can't. This... is who you are.
Bethany: ... Everything I am has been a lie?
Metatron: No, no no, knowing who you are now, doesn't mean you aren't who you were. You are Bethany Sloan! No one can take that away from you, not even God! ... All this means is a redefinition of that identity- the incorporation of this new data into who you are. Be who you've always been. Just... be this as well, from time to time.
Bethany: [Is finally able to smile a little] I guess this means no more cheating on my taxes?
Metatron: To say the least.
View Quote [Bethany and her group have arrived at the church]
Bethany: Oh my God. [she places her face on Rufus's shoulder]
[The camera pans to show the slaughter of all the people at the church]
Jay: And people wonder why I don't go to church anymore.
Rufus: Are we too late?
Serendipity: To save these poor shmogs? [pause] Yeah, but we still exist.
Bethany: Where are they?
Rufus: They could already be in the church.
Serendipity: Which means if they come out, nobody touches them.
Jay: Are you ****ing kidding me? Homeboy right here's gonna hit 'em with his "Angel, be good" spell, ain'tcha, homie? [looks at Rufus and he rolls his eyes]
Serendipity: If they go in that archway, they come out clean, and if they die, they go straight up, and hello? [knocks on Jay's head] We know what happens then, right?
Jay: Why don't they just kill themselves?
Bethany: It's a mortal sin; you die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn. They're not tryin' to get to hell.
Jay: Then what the **** are supposed to do? Just wait for a solution to fall outta the ****in' sky? [right then, a body falls out of the sky in front of them, his head exploding on impact and they glance in shock] Friend of yours?
Loki: No, that was a cardinal. [the camera goes to him holding a wine bottle and his wings cut off] You can't tell from his face but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.
Jay: It's one of them; kill that mother****er! [he preps the machine gun taken from Azrael, but Bethany and Silent Bob knock it out of his hands]
Bethany: No! Don't you understand; we can't touch him!
Jay: I wasn't gonna touch him; I was gonna shoot his ass!
Loki: [looking up] Yeah, he's been at it for a while. [everyone else looks up to see Bartleby with a bystander in his hands] We-we ran outta parishioners, and so we just started pickin' folk up off the road and just droppin' 'em. This is just eons of repression getting purged. If only He let us just jerk off, y'know? [everybody looks at him with disgust] Oh-j-just take a-take a step back. [the bystander that Bartleby had lands right in front of them and Bethany shrieks then runs toward Loki while the others try to hold her back]
Bethany: N-let me go! [to Loki while pushing him] Why?! What are you trying to prove?! All those people!!
Loki: Hey, this wasn't my idea, all right?! [he pushes her out of the way, then Jay and Bob try to attack him, but Rufus holds them back] Jesus Christ! I just wanted to go home, with him [Bartleby], y'know? But he just lost it! He figured out who you were and what you were gonna have to do; he-h-h-he just snapped! And the funny thing is this guy couldn't stand to see me work! He-h-h-he said he felt sorry for you people. ... Now look at him.
Jay: This guy's ****in' drunker than hell!
Serendipity: Which means he's human now. His wings have been cut off. [she drops his severed wing and approaches him] Loki...Loki...
Loki: [realizing who she is] The muse?! Oh, no way! How long's it be--you look terrific, whoa! Hey, what's with the tits; can I--?
Serendipity: Have you gone through the archway? [Bob helps Bethany up and she asks him again] Tell me, have you gone in and out of the archway yet?!
Bartleby: [ominously] No! [he then descends down in front of the church]
Loki: Uup, he's back. [Loki then walks away]
[Everybody then looks up at him while he descends from the sky and finally lands in front of the church archway.]
Bartleby: We were awaiting your arrival.
Serendipity: Bartleby, look, listen to me; Azrael was just using you! If you go through--[Bartleby then slaps her down to the ground]
Bartleby: I've become aware of the repercussions, muse. I know what I'm doing.
Bethany: [running up to him and pushing him] You sick twisted ****!
Bartleby: [grabbing Bethany and holding his knife to her neck] Bethany. [Jay and Bob try to go for him, but Rufus holds them back] You of all people should know what I'm trying to accomplish here. You too know what it's like to be cast aside. You've dealt with the pain for a few years. I've dealt with it for a millenia. So, even though you can't see your ex-husband, or how blissful he is with his new wife--[pause] --and he is, [Jay and Bob again try to go for him with Rufus holding them back] I've seen you people everyday being a constant reminder that though, my kind came first, your kind was most revered. And while you know forgiveness, we only know regret. [turning her around to face him] The lesson must be taught. All are accountable, even God! [he pushes her to Jay, Bob and Rufus] Soon, a cadre of police will be here to execute us while we exit the church, and then this failed experiment called "existence" will cease to be.
View Quote I have issues with anyone who treats God like a burden instead of a blessing, like some Catholics. You people don't celebrate your faith. You mourn it.
View Quote Bartleby: Well, look at this pimp. How'd you get outta Hell?
Azrael: I told them I was coming up on a routine possession. Look, I don't have long; if they figure out my ruse, they'll come looking for me.
Loki: Hey, what's with bringing us in here?
Azrael: You two ****s are inches away from getting caught! Going around killing people, about to un-case your wings? Don't you have any idea what's going on?
Bartleby: Well, we're going home.
Azrael: Oh, really? Are you so clueless as to think that you can just waltz back into Heaven?
Bartleby: Why not?
Azrael: Everybody is looking for you. Both sides, above and below. Orders are to terminate you on sight.
Loki: Really?
Bartleby: Why?
Azrael: Because you're pissing people off, that's why! Word on the grapevine is that God's pissed off at your presumption, and I know Lucifer's pissed because you assholes might make him look bad by succeeding where he's failed so many times.
Bartleby: So they're just gonna kill us?
Azrael: They're gonna try! That's why you have to travel incognito. Tone down your behavior, stay off their respective radars. [to Loki] Quit killing people. That's high-profile.
Loki: Oh, lighten up!
Bartleby: I still can't believe they wanna kill us.
Azrael: Oh, believe it, boys. They've even got the last scion looking for you.
Loki: Really?
Bartleby: You're kidding me.
Azrael: This is huge, man. Your re-entry is a thorn in a lot of sides. And they'll stop at nothing—-I mean nothing--to prevent it. In the meantime, I suggest that you find an alternate mode of transportation. If anything else comes up, I'll contact you.
Bartleby: [shaking Azrael's hand] Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend.
Azrael: Look, I've gotta get back to the pit before they get suspicious. Remember, incognito.
View Quote We figure abortion clinics are a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be here unless they like to ****?
View Quote Bartleby: You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first commandment. Not only that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
Loki: In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
Bartleby: Mr. Newman - you got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself two months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate, Mr. Brace. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and then used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe, because it was - survey says? - less costly.
[sees the female board member] Bartleby: You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you! [Thumbs-up] But you, Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than the rest of this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud.
[whispers something in Whitland's ear] Loki: You're his father, you sick ****!
[Whitland starts crying]
View Quote [Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob inspect the body that fell in front of them.]
Bethany: No heartbeat.
Jay: You think someone threw him out of a plane with a message written on him like in Con Air? (to Bethany) You ever see that flick?
[The body starts to move, and the others back away from it.]
Rufus: Oh, did that suck! Con Air, con shit!
Jay: Kill it, kill it!
Rufus: Sounds familiar.
Bethany: Jesus! Are you okay?
Rufus: It's Rufus, and yeah, I'm fine.
Jay: It's the ****ing un-dead! Cut its head off!
Rufus: Hey! What I did just gave me a ****ing migraine! So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna yank ya' sack off like a paper towel!
Bethany: Speaking of which, you're awfully nude. Rufus, was it?
Rufus: Yes, Rufus it is. Usually "Long" Rufus, but it's kinda cold out here, you understand. (to Silent Bob) Hey, Biggie, how 'bout lending me your coat 'til I find my own threads?
Jay: Dude, he fell outta thin air. [Silent Bob complies with Rufus request and removes his jacket.] Dude, his piece will be rubbin' the inside of your armor! Dude!
Rufus: Hey, thanks. I'll do my best to tuck it back.
View Quote Loki: Oh, there's just one thing I think we need to do before we leave. This is gonna help us get back on His good side.
Bartleby: What?
Loki: Here. I've been dreaming about this for five years. (he hands over a page from a magazine) Read that.
Bartleby (reading): "Mooby the Golden Calf: creating an empire out of simplicity."
Loki: I wanna hit 'em.
Bartleby: You really are just a simple creature. We finally get a way back in and you wanna jeopardize that 'cause you've got a soft spot for the good old days.
Loki: Hey, what better way to repent than by resuming the position I once denied, thanks to you?
Bartleby: I really don't think a killing spree is gonna make things better for us!
Loki: "Killing spree"? I'm talking about Divine Justice here. I'm talking about raining down fire and brimstone, punishing the wicked. He's all about that. I know He'd want this done!
Bartleby: There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit. Doesn't that mean anything to you? And besides, what if you're wrong, like you always are?
Loki: If I'm wrong, which I'm not, it's not gonna matter. We're gonna pass through your arch thing anyway. We're gonna be forgiven. No harm, no foul.
View Quote Jay: Get off of me, I wanna see what's going on! What the **** is this shit?! (to God) Who the **** are you, lady?! (to Rufus & Serendipity) Why the **** did you hug my head?!
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there? (God nods.)
Jay: What the **** is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
Jay: What the **** does that mean?! Has everyone gone ****ing nuts?! What the **** happened to that guy's head?!!
View Quote Ticket agent: [at bus station] I suggest you not underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State, and show up two hours in advance.
View Quote Cardinal Glick: Mass attendance is at an all-time low in this country. But if we can let 'em know the Catholic church has a little panache, we can win 'em back - even get some new ones. Excuse me. (he practice-putts a golf ball into an overturned chalice) Fill them pews, people! That's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.
Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers...