Dogma quotes

162 total quotes (ID: 699)

Bethany Sloane
Multiple Characters

(Rufus has recognized the girl at the strip club as the muse Serendipity.)
Rufus: I forgot you were down here. How long now?
Serendipity: Three years this August.
Bethany: Let me guess. The fourteenth apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
Rufus: Oh, this girl's no woman.
Bethany: Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
Serendipity: What, these? You should know better than anyone at this table that tits don't make a woman.
Rufus: Hell, the tubby coat-wearing mother****er's got tits!
Serendipity: What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things: her legs. But as you can see-- (she stands and hikes up her skirt) --I lack definition.
Jay: (from the other side of the club) Hey! They're gettin' a free show! Lemme' see that shit!
Bethany: Oh, God, another angel like the Metatron.
Serendipity: How do you know Metatron? [to Rufus] How does she know Metatron?
Rufus: This is the last Scion.
Serendipity: You're kidding. Wow!
Bethany: I'm confused.
Rufus: Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel. Nor is she by any means a human being like I was and you are.
Serendipity: I used to be an abstract.
Bethany: Now I'm really confused.
Serendipity: I'm a muse, stupid!

[Bethany and her group have arrived at the church]
Bethany: Oh my God. [she places her face on Rufus's shoulder]
[The camera pans to show the slaughter of all the people at the church]
Jay: And people wonder why I don't go to church anymore.
Rufus: Are we too late?
Serendipity: To save these poor shmogs? [pause] Yeah, but we still exist.
Bethany: Where are they?
Rufus: They could already be in the church.
Serendipity: Which means if they come out, nobody touches them.
Jay: Are you ****ing kidding me? Homeboy right here's gonna hit 'em with his "Angel, be good" spell, ain'tcha, homie? [looks at Rufus and he rolls his eyes]
Serendipity: If they go in that archway, they come out clean, and if they die, they go straight up, and hello? [knocks on Jay's head] We know what happens then, right?
Jay: Why don't they just kill themselves?
Bethany: It's a mortal sin; you die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn. They're not tryin' to get to hell.
Jay: Then what the **** are supposed to do? Just wait for a solution to fall outta the ****in' sky? [right then, a body falls out of the sky in front of them, his head exploding on impact and they glance in shock] Friend of yours?
Loki: No, that was a cardinal. [the camera goes to him holding a wine bottle and his wings cut off] You can't tell from his face but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.
Jay: It's one of them; kill that mother****er! [he preps the machine gun taken from Azrael, but Bethany and Silent Bob knock it out of his hands]
Bethany: No! Don't you understand; we can't touch him!
Jay: I wasn't gonna touch him; I was gonna shoot his ass!
Loki: [looking up] Yeah, he's been at it for a while. [everyone else looks up to see Bartleby with a bystander in his hands] We-we ran outta parishioners, and so we just started pickin' folk up off the road and just droppin' 'em. This is just eons of repression getting purged. If only He let us just jerk off, y'know? [everybody looks at him with disgust] Oh-j-just take a-take a step back. [the bystander that Bartleby had lands right in front of them and Bethany shrieks then runs toward Loki while the others try to hold her back]
Bethany: N-let me go! [to Loki while pushing him] Why?! What are you trying to prove?! All those people!!
Loki: Hey, this wasn't my idea, all right?! [he pushes her out of the way, then Jay and Bob try to attack him, but Rufus holds them back] Jesus Christ! I just wanted to go home, with him [Bartleby], y'know? But he just lost it! He figured out who you were and what you were gonna have to do; he-h-h-he just snapped! And the funny thing is this guy couldn't stand to see me work! He-h-h-he said he felt sorry for you people. ... Now look at him.
Jay: This guy's ****in' drunker than hell!
Serendipity: Which means he's human now. His wings have been cut off. [she drops his severed wing and approaches him] Loki...Loki...
Loki: [realizing who she is] The muse?! Oh, no way! How long's it be--you look terrific, whoa! Hey, what's with the tits; can I--?
Serendipity: Have you gone through the archway? [Bob helps Bethany up and she asks him again] Tell me, have you gone in and out of the archway yet?!
Bartleby: [ominously] No! [he then descends down in front of the church]
Loki: Uup, he's back. [Loki then walks away]
[Everybody then looks up at him while he descends from the sky and finally lands in front of the church archway.]
Bartleby: We were awaiting your arrival.
Serendipity: Bartleby, look, listen to me; Azrael was just using you! If you go through--[Bartleby then slaps her down to the ground]
Bartleby: I've become aware of the repercussions, muse. I know what I'm doing.
Bethany: [running up to him and pushing him] You sick twisted ****!
Bartleby: [grabbing Bethany and holding his knife to her neck] Bethany. [Jay and Bob try to go for him, but Rufus holds them back] You of all people should know what I'm trying to accomplish here. You too know what it's like to be cast aside. You've dealt with the pain for a few years. I've dealt with it for a millenia. So, even though you can't see your ex-husband, or how blissful he is with his new wife--[pause] --and he is, [Jay and Bob again try to go for him with Rufus holding them back] I've seen you people everyday being a constant reminder that though, my kind came first, your kind was most revered. And while you know forgiveness, we only know regret. [turning her around to face him] The lesson must be taught. All are accountable, even God! [he pushes her to Jay, Bob and Rufus] Soon, a cadre of police will be here to execute us while we exit the church, and then this failed experiment called "existence" will cease to be.

Bethany: I remember going to church when I was younger and feeling moved. Now I go every Sunday and feel nothing. I don't think I have any faith left.
Liz: Do you remember that seminary student who used to mow my lawn? The one I tried to set you up with?
Bethany: The twenty-year-old. The one I could have babysat for in high school.
Liz: Right. Well, the point is, he told me something. He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is little, so it's easy to fill. As you get older, the glass gets bigger. The same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. But periodically the glass needs to be refilled.
Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled.
Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.
Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man, not even for ten minutes, in his entire lifespan.
Liz: That sounds a little bit militant. Are you thinking of joining the other side?
Bethany: Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
Liz: Well, then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
Bethany: I think God is dead.
Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.

Ticket agent: [at bus station] I suggest you not underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State, and show up two hours in advance.

Bartleby: You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first commandment. Not only that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
Loki: In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
Bartleby: Mr. Newman - you got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself two months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate, Mr. Brace. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and then used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe, because it was - survey says? - less costly.
[sees the female board member] Bartleby: You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you! [Thumbs-up] But you, Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than the rest of this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud.
[whispers something in Whitland's ear] Loki: You're his father, you sick ****!
[Whitland starts crying]

(Bartleby, traveling as "Barry", has struck up a conversation with Bethany in a train's club car.)
Bartleby: You're divorced.
Bethany: That's a nice way of putting it. I call it being dumped.
Bartleby: I was, uh, dumped once.
Bethany: Don't you just constantly question your value? Like, "Why was I so easy to cast aside?"
Bartleby: And you, uh, wonder if the other party is gonna come to their senses and call you back.
Bethany: And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time.
Bartleby: When actually, it, uh, it hurts more.
Bethany: You know what we need?
Bartleby: What do we need?
Bethany: We need drinks. We need a lot of drinks.

[Bethany's car has broken down on the side of the road after Jay drove too fast in first gear.]
Jay: (to Silent Bob) Dude, she ****ing pissed! She's never gonna **** us now! Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. You know how she is.
Bethany: Nobody is ****ing me! You got that?! I don't know what I was thinking in that diner, but seeing as I've decided to go home and not to New Jersey, sorry about the convenience and goodbye.
[Bethany begins to walk off.]
Jay: You breakin' up with us? [Bethany continues walking off.] Who the hell do you think you are, lady?! [Jay and Silent Bob walk after her.] You can't go around breaking people's hearts like that! I fell in love with you! WE fell in love with you! Guys like us just don't fall out of the ****ing sky, you know! [Just then, a man falls right in between Jay, Bob and Bethany.] (to the sky) Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just don't just fall out of the sky, you know!

Cardinal Glick: Mass attendance is at an all-time low in this country. But if we can let 'em know the Catholic church has a little panache, we can win 'em back - even get some new ones. Excuse me. (he practice-putts a golf ball into an overturned chalice) Fill them pews, people! That's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.
Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers...

Bethany: I can pay you!
Jay: Pay?
Bethany: A hundred bucks for being my guide. You were going to Jersey anyway. I'm just asking to tag along.
Jay: I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that ****ed-up bar! What about sex?
Bethany: No sex.
Jay: ... All right, well, let's say we're in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off. Would you **** us then?
Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation? [sighs, rolling her eyes] ...Yeah, sure.

(Bethany is running through the woods and runs into a lake)
Bethany: (screaming at God) Why?!! What the **** do You want from me?! (she flails her arms in anger in the water) I ****ing hate You!!! (now crying) I hate You.
Metatron: (suddenly standing on the water before her) He can't hear you, you know. That's why we needed you.
Bethany: Why didn't you tell me?
Metatron: Would you... could you, have believed me? It was something you had to come to gradually. Only after everything you've seen, everything you've heard, could you possibly be able to accept the truth.
Bethany: I don't want this... it's too big...
Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, not to be able to tell the son Himself, because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form. So... I had to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children- I had to tell this little boy that he was God's only son, and that it meant a lifetime of persecution, and eventual crucifixion, at the hands of the very people he'd come to enlighten and redeem. ... He begged to take it all back... as if I could. He begged me to 'make it all not true', and let me let you in on something, Bethany, it's something I've never told anyone before. If I had the power... I would have. It's unfair! It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility, and it's unfair to ask you to do the same now. I sympathize, I do- I wish I could take it all back... but I can't. This... is who you are.
Bethany: ... Everything I am has been a lie?
Metatron: No, no no, knowing who you are now, doesn't mean you aren't who you were. You are Bethany Sloan! No one can take that away from you, not even God! ... All this means is a redefinition of that identity- the incorporation of this new data into who you are. Be who you've always been. Just... be this as well, from time to time.
Bethany: [Is finally able to smile a little] I guess this means no more cheating on my taxes?
Metatron: To say the least.

Loki: Oh, there's just one thing I think we need to do before we leave. This is gonna help us get back on His good side.
Bartleby: What?
Loki: Here. I've been dreaming about this for five years. (he hands over a page from a magazine) Read that.
Bartleby (reading): "Mooby the Golden Calf: creating an empire out of simplicity."
Loki: I wanna hit 'em.
Bartleby: You really are just a simple creature. We finally get a way back in and you wanna jeopardize that 'cause you've got a soft spot for the good old days.
Loki: Hey, what better way to repent than by resuming the position I once denied, thanks to you?
Bartleby: I really don't think a killing spree is gonna make things better for us!
Loki: "Killing spree"? I'm talking about Divine Justice here. I'm talking about raining down fire and brimstone, punishing the wicked. He's all about that. I know He'd want this done!
Bartleby: There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit. Doesn't that mean anything to you? And besides, what if you're wrong, like you always are?
Loki: If I'm wrong, which I'm not, it's not gonna matter. We're gonna pass through your arch thing anyway. We're gonna be forgiven. No harm, no foul.

Bethany: Oh,my God, he's lost it! We're ****ed, we're absolutely ****ed!
Jay (grinning): I hear that shit.
Bethany: I can't believe this shit. We're on the brink of nonexistence and God's still nowhere to be found. What the **** kind of deity gets kidnapped?
Jay: Amen to that. (he pulls off his pants)
Bethany: What the hell are you doing?!
Jay: We got about five minutes left to live, the whole world's gonna end, you said you'd **** me.
Bethany: You're a pig.
Jay: Oh, what? Nobody's gonna beat that thing! Now we can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there, or we can get makin' with the love.
Bethany: What did you say?
Jay: "Make with the love". It's a nice way of saying "boning".
Bethany: No, about John Doe Jersey!

Bethany: Hey — what's He like?
Metatron: God? ...Lonely, but funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex, for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in Heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.

Jay: Get off of me, I wanna see what's going on! What the **** is this shit?! (to God) Who the **** are you, lady?! (to Rufus & Serendipity) Why the **** did you hug my head?!
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there? (God nods.)
Jay: What the **** is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
Jay: What the **** does that mean?! Has everyone gone ****ing nuts?! What the **** happened to that guy's head?!!

(After a lot of drinks, Bethany has revealed her "mission")
(Rufus walks into the car.)
Rufus: (still groggy from his nap) Where the hell is everybody? I doze of an-- (he sees Bartleby)
Bartleby: The Apostle!
Rufus: Holy shit!
Bethany: Rufus, I'd like you to meet my new friend Barry.
(Bartleby smashes a beer bottle and holds it up to Bethany's neck.)
Bethany: Oh! (laughs) Don't be such a show off, Barry.
Rufus: Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go, and we can talk about this.
Bethany: Bartleby?!
Bartleby: So Rufus, this is what it comes down to; slaughter by a meat-puppet.
Bethany: Get your ****ing hands off me, you dick-less son-of-a-bitch!
Bartleby: Save it, lady. A minute ago you were aching to top me off. Loki!
Loki: Oh shit, the Apostle!
Jay: [waking up after dozing off] Pete, I didn't cum in you, I swear--
Loki: [to Rufus] Hey man, what are you doing here?
Bartleby: She just told me that she was on a mission to New Jersey to stop two angels.
Loki: Hey, you think they're talking about us?
Bartleby: No, two other ****ing angels! Yeah, it's a pretty good chance! Whaddya say Rufus, you wanna be liquidated?!
Rufus: You haven't thought about the consequences of your re-entry!
Loki: Consequences, schmonsequences!
Bartleby: Guess what, we're goin' home, no matter whose pride it may offend.
Rufus: It's not a matter of pride, stupid!
Bartleby: Loki, kill the girl.
Loki: What are you, high? I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything, you know that.
Bartleby: Then guess what, I'll kill her.
Jay: What the ****'s going on? I fall asleep and everyone moves, these guys are ****ing flat leavers.
Bartleby: Loki, shut his mouth.