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Dogma

Dogma quotes

162 total quotes

Azrael
Bartleby
Bethany Sloane
Jay
Loki
Metatron
Multiple Characters
Rufus
Serendipity




View Quote Bethany: What's your beef with the Bible?
Rufus: Well, for starters, I'm not in it.
Jay: Well, neither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitching and moaning.
Rufus: Yeah, but I'm supposed to be in it. I was the thirteenth apostle.
Bethany (laughing): I've been going to church my whole life, and I've never heard of a thirteenth apostle named Rufus.
Rufus: Yeah, but you've heard of the other twelve apostles. They were all white boys, I might add. But no mention of me, Rufus. And why is that? 'Cause I'm a black man. But you know what? That's just my pet peeve. I'm mainly here to correct a major error that you people have been basing the faith on.
Bethany: What's that?
Rufus: Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black.
Jay: I don't buy it.
Bethany: If that's true, then why did He get written about and you were left out?
Rufus: Well, He is the Son of God. Kind of hard to have a New Testament without Him. So, you fudge a few facts, you put a spin on his ethnicity, leaving me out is okay 'cause you still got twelve white boys to choose from.
View Quote (Bartleby, traveling as "Barry", has struck up a conversation with Bethany in a train's club car.)
Bartleby: You're divorced.
Bethany: That's a nice way of putting it. I call it being dumped.
Bartleby: I was, uh, dumped once.
Bethany: Don't you just constantly question your value? Like, "Why was I so easy to cast aside?"
Bartleby: And you, uh, wonder if the other party is gonna come to their senses and call you back.
Bethany: And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time.
Bartleby: When actually, it, uh, it hurts more.
Bethany: You know what we need?
Bartleby: What do we need?
Bethany: We need drinks. We need a lot of drinks.
View Quote The whole book's gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. [commenting on the Bible]
View Quote Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any do****ented occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.
Bethany: Why doesn't God speak for Himself?
Metatron: Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that: human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.
Bethany: Well... how do I know you're an angel?
Metatron: What, you mean aside from the fiery entrance and expansive wingspan?
View Quote His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out in His name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism. The big one though, is the factioning of the religions. He said, "Mankind got it all wrong by takin' a good idea and building a belief structure out of it."
View Quote Bethany: I can pay you!
Jay: Pay?
Bethany: A hundred bucks for being my guide. You were going to Jersey anyway. I'm just asking to tag along.
Jay: I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that ****ed-up bar! What about sex?
Bethany: No sex.
Jay: ... All right, well, let's say we're in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off. Would you **** us then?
Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation? [sighs, rolling her eyes] ...Yeah, sure.
View Quote Jay: I'm going back to Jersey and start up the business again. I can kick the shit out of little kids in Red Bank and make myself a profit.
voice of Metatron (flashback): Prophets. Two of 'em.
Bethany: You've got to be kidding me.
View Quote (After a lot of drinks, Bethany has revealed her "mission")
(Rufus walks into the car.)
Rufus: (still groggy from his nap) Where the hell is everybody? I doze of an-- (he sees Bartleby)
Bartleby: The Apostle!
Rufus: Holy shit!
Bethany: Rufus, I'd like you to meet my new friend Barry.
(Bartleby smashes a beer bottle and holds it up to Bethany's neck.)
Bethany: Oh! (laughs) Don't be such a show off, Barry.
Rufus: Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go, and we can talk about this.
Bethany: Bartleby?!
Bartleby: So Rufus, this is what it comes down to; slaughter by a meat-puppet.
Bethany: Get your ****ing hands off me, you dick-less son-of-a-bitch!
Bartleby: Save it, lady. A minute ago you were aching to top me off. Loki!
Loki: Oh shit, the Apostle!
Jay: [waking up after dozing off] Pete, I didn't **** in you, I swear--
Loki: [to Rufus] Hey man, what are you doing here?
Bartleby: She just told me that she was on a mission to New Jersey to stop two angels.
Loki: Hey, you think they're talking about us?
Bartleby: No, two other ****ing angels! Yeah, it's a pretty good chance! Whaddya say Rufus, you wanna be liquidated?!
Rufus: You haven't thought about the consequences of your re-entry!
Loki: Consequences, schmonsequences!
Bartleby: Guess what, we're goin' home, no matter whose pride it may offend.
Rufus: It's not a matter of pride, stupid!
Bartleby: Loki, kill the girl.
Loki: What are you, high? I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything, you know that.
Bartleby: Then guess what, I'll kill her.
Jay: What the ****'s going on? I fall asleep and everyone moves, these guys are ****ing flat leavers.
Bartleby: Loki, shut his mouth.
View Quote This is humanity at its best. Look at them. All that anger, all that mistrust, all that unhappiness... forgotten, for that one perfect moment when they get off the plane. (on why he hangs out at the airport)
View Quote PA Announcer: [at St. Michael's hospital] I repeat: this is not a drill. This is the Apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion.
View Quote Metatron: As I was saying, prior to your fire-fighting episode, I am the Metatron. (he pauses dramatically; Bethany gapes at him.) ... Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell. (Bethany shakes her head.) You people; if there isn't a movie about it it's not worth knowing, is it? I am a seraphim! (Bethany gapes again.) The highest choir of angels? (more gaping.) You do know what an angel is, don't you?!
View Quote Bartleby: We're going home. (holds out a newspaper article) Somebody sent us this in the mail. (he pauses; Loki just gawks at him) Take it, man. And quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you or something.
Loki: You did just say we're going home, right?
Bartleby: Read.
Loki: "Cardinal Glick cuts ribbon on Catholicism, Wow! campaign." And?
Bartleby: You have to keep reading.
View Quote So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. That's why he's "the King"... and you're a schmuck.
View Quote Hey, Big Bird! Ready to play the counting game? Count the shells, suck-a-duck!
View Quote Bethany: Oh,my God, he's lost it! We're ****ed, we're absolutely ****ed!
Jay (grinning): I hear that shit.
Bethany: I can't believe this shit. We're on the brink of nonexistence and God's still nowhere to be found. What the **** kind of deity gets kidnapped?
Jay: Amen to that. (he pulls off his pants)
Bethany: What the hell are you doing?!
Jay: We got about five minutes left to live, the whole world's gonna end, you said you'd **** me.
Bethany: You're a pig.
Jay: Oh, what? Nobody's gonna beat that thing! Now we can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there, or we can get makin' with the love.
Bethany: What did you say?
Jay: "Make with the love". It's a nice way of saying "boning".
Bethany: No, about John Doe Jersey!