Bob quotes from UHF (1989)

Bob

How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen.

George Newman

You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and just bash my head right in. Go ahead. Really. Just BASH my head right in.

Bob

George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me 5 bucks.

George Newman

Hey, Kuni!

Kuni

Hiya, George!

George Newman

Beginner's class today, huh?

Kuni

Yeah! They're so stupid! [A karate student is thrown out the window, it smashes and he falls to the pavement] STUPID!!!

R.J. Fletcher

You idiot! Can't you do anything I tell you to do?! Does this look like a Number 2 pencil?!

Richard Fletcher

No... but... I just thought --

R.J. Fletcher

You thought?! I don't [snaps pencil in two] pay you to think!

Richard Fletcher

But, Dad...

R.J. Fletcher

SHUT UP!

George Newman

I need a drink.

Bob

But you don't drink.

George Newman

Yeah, but I've been meaning to start.

Bob

I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.

George Newman

Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.

Stanley Spadowski

George, you know I was wondering, like if you were traveling through outer space, I mean like you're going real fast, like the speed of light, you know... hoooohhhhh... and all of a sudden you started screaming... aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhh... Do you think your brain would blow up?

Bob

Guys, I'm trying to work... Do you mind?

Stanley Spadowski

I don't mind. Go right ahead. Do you mind, George?

Bob

Where did you find this guy?

George Newman

Me? I thought you hired him.

Bob

Well, I've got good news and bad news.

George Newman

OK, Let's have the bad news first.

Bob

Well, given our current financial status compounded with fixed income and outstanding invoices...I figure this station should be flat broke by the end of this week.

George Newman

What's the good news?

Bob

I lied. There is no good news.

George Newman

What do you got there, Bob?

Bob

The Ratings

George Newman

Don't tell me we showed up on the list!

Bob

We're Number 1!

George Newman

Say What?!?

Bob

We beat the networks. This is unbelievable. Look at these notes. We got three shows in the top 5. Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse went through the roof. Do you know what this means? We're finally going to make some real money. George, We are the number 1 station in town!

There's lots of fun coming your way this weekend on U-62. First slam your way to health as you Stay Fit with Mike and Spike! Next, Everybody's favorite: Chef Bernie invites to go Bowling for Burgers! Sunday, Be a part of the excitement as we premiere our dazzling new game show, Strip Solitaire! And then, Join us for hilarious fun on The All New Practical Jokes and Bloopers! And you won't want to miss Celebrity Mud Wrestling with special guest: McCall Contraband! It's a whole new weekend on U-62, The reason television was invented!

Stanley Spadowski

Be there! [chuckles]