George Newman Sex with furniture, what do you think?
Played by 'Weird Al' Yankovic 
UHF (1989) · 65 quotes
UHF (1989) · 65 quotes
Most-quoted character in UHF (1989): in 29 of its 65 quotes
Most scenes with: Bob (6), Stanley Spadowski (3), R.J. Fletcher (3)
Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs and forced into weight-loss programs, all this week on Town Talk!
More lines from George Newman
9 quotes George Newman George Newman Look up! Look down! Now look at Mr. Frying Pan! [George conks Bobbo in the face with the frying pan] Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom. Uuupsy-daisy...Aw, what's wrong, Bobbo? I bet I know! You're hungry, aren't you? [Bobbo honks his horn weakly] Have I got just the thing for you! Yes sir, clowns AND kids alike just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies! [He proceeds to stuff Bobbo's face with "cookies," which are actually dog biscuits; George has picked up the wrong box!!] Right, Bobbo? That's right! And guess what, Mom? They're nutritious, too! Just look at how much Bobbo here likes 'em! [cut to a revolted Bobbo] Mmmm, THAT'S GOOOOOD!! [Bobbo looks ready to vomit] And don't forget folks, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's...[notices his mistake for the first time] Heh Heh Heh, UH-OHHH!! [Bobbo turns and glares at Uncle Nutzy as if to say "WHAT Uh-Oh?!?"] Bobbo's been eating...YAPPY'S DOG TREATS!! [a look of horror crosses Bobbo's face, and he runs off to the "little clowns' room."] That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste... [We hear Bobbo vomiting]... With just a hint of cheese...!
George Newman You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can.
George Newman Oh, no. What time is it!? [arm with a watch breaks through the wall, George looks at the watch] Seven THIRTY!?
George Newman [to Satan]
Oh, shut up, you pinhead! You make me SICK!
George Newman Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who MOCKS him and LAUGHS at him as he's repeatedly CRUSHED and MAIMED! [almost tearfully] Hope you ENJOY IT!!!
George Newman [Message left on Teri's answering machine]
Teri! I'm sorry! Come on give me one more chance please! Come on Teri! Teri! Oh Oh I'm in hell! I'M IN HELL!! TERI TERI PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!!! OH OH TERI!!!!!! PLE-HE-HE-HE-HEASE!
George Newman [while sculpting a plate of mashed potatoes]
This means something. This is important!
George Newman WE DID IT! THE STATION'S OURS!!
Scenes with George Newman
19 scenes
How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen.
George Newman You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and just bash my head right in. Go ahead. Really. Just BASH my head right in.
George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me 5 bucks.
George Newman Hey, Kuni!
Hiya, George!
George Newman Beginner's class today, huh?
Yeah! They're so stupid! [A karate student is thrown out the window, it smashes and he falls to the pavement] STUPID!!!
You idiot! Can't you do anything I tell you to do?! Does this look like a Number 2 pencil?!
No... but... I just thought --
You thought?! I don't [snaps pencil in two] pay you to think!
But, Dad...
SHUT UP!
George Newman Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?
Yeah yeah. That was FUN.
George Newman Great! How would you like to do that every day?
Yeah! That would be neat - WAIT A minute! Do I...still get to be the janitor?
George Newman [Incredulously]
Sure.
It's a DEAL!
Announcer
The world watched in amazement as he unlocked the secrets of Al Capone's glove compartment!
George Ah-ha! ROAD MAPS!!
One of Fletcher's thugs
[Motioning towards George]
Who is this guy?
George Newman [As Stallone's Rambo]
I'm your worst nightmare!
George Newman I need a drink.
But you don't drink.
George Newman Yeah, but I've been meaning to start.
George Newman Wait a minute... I think I'm missing something here.
Oh? Didn't I tell you? I own this place now.
George Newman You what?!
What's the matter, kid, you got wax in your ears?
George Newman But, my Uncle Harvey --
Harvey Bilchik is flying in tomorrow night to close the deal!
George Newman HEY, KIDS! WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
Kids
(Boring)
To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse!
George Newman THAT'S RIGHT! I'M YOUR UNCLE NUTZY! AND BOY, OH BOY. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE SOME BIG FUN TONIGHT! Oh look and what in our kiddy corner. (To Billy) what's your name?
Billy
Uh, Billy.
George Newman Billy what?
[Billy spits George Newman]
I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.
George Newman Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.
George Newman Hey, kids. Where y'wanna go? [indifferent silence] That's right. To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse. And boy-oh-boy, are we gonna have big fun today. We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are, and how much life sucks, and how we're all just gonna grow old and die someday.
Little Weasel
I wanna go home!
George Newman Shut up, you little weasel! Okay. Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who mocks him and laughs at him as he's repeatedly crushed and maimed! Hope you enjoy it!
George Newman Teri, what are you doing here? I thought you never wanted to see me again.
Well whatever gave you that idea?
George Newman Well, my first clue is when you told me you never wanted to see me again.
George Newman Me? I thought you hired him.
George, did you get fired again?
George Newman [banging his head against a counter]
YES!!! YES, It's TRUE, IT'S ALL TRUE!! I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEEEEEEE!!!!!! [instantly changes his mood] So, what's for dinner? [takes a look at what's for dinner] Mashed potatoes?! My favorite! Teri, you shouldn't have!
Pamela Finklestein Yeah, so, can I help you?
George Newman Hi, I'm George Newman. I'm the new station manager.
Pamela Finklestein Ooooh! You know, when I first took this job, they told me that this position was only temporary, and that eventually, when the time was right, I would be moved up to news, which is really my forte. You know how long I've been working here? Two years! It's kind of hard to get promoted when every other week you have a new boss! This job really sucks! [sighs]
George Newman [beat]
This is my friend Bob.
George, when are you going to learn to take things a little more seriously? I mean, you've been wandering aimlessly from job to job ever since I've known you. If you could just get that overactive imagination of yours to work for you instead of against you, maybe you could... [turns around and discovers that George has molded his mashed potatoes into a mountain; she sighs] What are you doing?
George Newman This means something. This is important.
Well, I've got good news and bad news.
George Newman OK, Let's have the bad news first.
Well, given our current financial status compounded with fixed income and outstanding invoices...I figure this station should be flat broke by the end of this week.
George Newman What's the good news?
I lied. There is no good news.
George Newman What do you got there, Bob?
The Ratings
George Newman Don't tell me we showed up on the list!
We're Number 1!
George Newman Say What?!?
We beat the networks. This is unbelievable. Look at these notes. We got three shows in the top 5. Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse went through the roof. Do you know what this means? We're finally going to make some real money. George, We are the number 1 station in town!
Announcer
[They both scream for excitement]
There's lots of fun coming your way this weekend on U-62. First slam your way to health as you Stay Fit with Mike and Spike! Next, Everybody's favorite: Chef Bernie invites to go Bowling for Burgers! Sunday, Be a part of the excitement as we premiere our dazzling new game show, Strip Solitaire! And then, Join us for hilarious fun on The All New Practical Jokes and Bloopers! And you won't want to miss Celebrity Mud Wrestling with special guest: McCall Contraband! It's a whole new weekend on U-62, The reason television was invented!
Be there! [chuckles]
George? What's wrong, George?
George Newman Stanley, you don't want to know.
[Looking genuinely puzzled]
Why'd I ask? [Back to George] Is there anything I can do to help?
George Newman Not unless you've got seventy-five thousand dollars on you.
Bum Hey, Mister!
George Newman Not now, okay?
Bum Well, I was just wondering if it was too late to buy any of them shares. [produces a large wad of money] I'll take whatever you got left!
George Newman [amazed]
How much is that?
Bum Two thousand dollars, heh heh heh! Keep your change!
Hey, what's going on here?
Harvey Bilchik [preparing to sign a document George has produced]
Heh heh heh!
Now wait just a minute! What do you think you're doing?
George Newman [triumphantly showing the document Harvey Bilchik has just signed to the crowd]
We did it! The station's ours!
You can't do this! We had an agreement, remember?! An oral contract! I'll sue!
Harvey Bilchik Aw, blow it out your ear, scuzzbag!
