Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby quotes

View Quote Dear Lord Baby Jesus, lying there in your...your little ghost manger, lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental...videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...

View Quote Reese: Now, there's nothing like driving to avoid jail. Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity. So I taped a kilo of cocaine underneath the car and called the boys in blue. Now, the way I figure it, you got about 2 minutes before they show up, and you do five to ten. So, what's it gonna be? Fear...or prison?
Ricky: What the hell are you talkin' about?!
Reese: Real simple, son! Cops are comin'! There's a kilo of Colombian bam-bam underneath the car! Time to be a man! You got hair on your peaches or what?

View Quote Dear Tiny, Infant, Jesus...

View Quote I like to think of Jesus as wearin' a Tuxedo T-shirt, 'cause it says, like, "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party too." I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.

View Quote Shut up, Chip, or I'll go apeshit on your ass!

View Quote Aww Nana, not my prison shank.

View Quote "No, no, no! He has to know! He's always cryin!"

View Quote Ricky's Co-Worker: Nice denim shorts, dude!

View Quote Cal: Shake and Bake?
Ricky: No. Never again.
Cal: You're right. I was a total dick, man.
Ricky: From now on, [points to Cal] it's Magic Man...[points to himself] and El Diablo.
Cal: What--What's Diablo mean?
Ricky: It’s, like, Spanish for, like, a fighting chicken.
Cal: That's awesome! With the claws?
Ricky: Yeah, with the claws. With the claws and a beak!
Cal: How'd you come up with that, man?
Ricky: Just--sometimes, things click.

View Quote Cal: I like to think of Jesus with, like, big eagle's wings, singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with, like, an angel band, and I'm in the front row, and I'm hammered drunk...
Carly: Hey, Cal, why don't you just shut up?
Cal: Yes, ma'am.

View Quote Lucius: Now, Ricky, the doctor told us we should let you work it out on your own sweet time, but...Ricky, you can walk.
Ricky: What'd you just say?
Cal: He's tellin' you the truth, man.
Ricky: You sick...sons of bitches! You walk in here, on your two legs, all fat, and ****y, and lookin' at me in my chair, and you tell me it's all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons! Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented, and star athletes, and they have their legs taken away! I mean, I pray you know that pain and that hurt!
Lucius: DON'T YOU PUT THAT EVIL ON ME, RICKY BOBBY! DON'T YOU PUT THAT ON US! YOU are NOT paralyzed!
Ricky: I am SO paralyzed!
Lucius: NO, NO!
Cal: Don't be rough on him, now.
Lucius: No, he needs to know!
Cal: Okay.
Lucius: He's always cryin' !
Cal: Alright, tough love it is, tough love. [to Ricky] Wake up, idiot!
Ricky: [pulls out a knife] You wanna know what I am?! You wanna see what my life is?!
Lucius: Don't do it!
Ricky: You wanna see what's goin' on here?!
Cal: Don't you stick that knife in your leg...
Ricky: [he sticks the knife in his leg] [pause] AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!

View Quote Cal: [talking to his crew chief over the radio] Hey, Jarvis?
Jarvis: Yeah, Cal?
Cal: If you slept with your best friend's wife, why would he apologize to you?
Jarvis: Yeah, I don't know, Cal. That's weird.
Cal: That's what I'm sayin'! My head's all tied up...like a pretzel! I got a pretzel in my head!

View Quote Ricky: Dear Tiny, Infant, Jesus...
Carley: Um, sweetie, Jesus did grow up. You don't always have to call him baby. It's a bit odd and off-puttin' to pray to a baby.
Ricky: Look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, and I'm sayin' grace. When you say grace, you can say it to Grownup Jesus or Teenage Jesus or Bearded Jesus or whoever you want.

View Quote [running around on the track in his underwear] Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!

View Quote Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is just around the corner, and what better gift to give a loved one [pulls out knife] than the Jack Hawk 9000? Available at Wal-Mart!