Dr. John Watson I'm on my honeymoon!
2nd most-quoted character in Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011): in 16 of its 41 quotes
Most scenes with: Sherlock Holmes (12), Madame Simza Heron (2), Mary Watson (2)
Did you kill my wife?! Did-you-just-kill-my-wife?!
More lines from Dr. John Watson
2 quotes Dr. John Watson Dr. John Watson [to Holmes, performing CPR on him]
I know you can hear me, you selfish bastard!
Scenes with Dr. John Watson
13 scenes Dr. John Watson [Watson opens the door to Holmes’ study, to find himself in a lush jungle filled with wildlife] [deadpan]
Your hedge needs trimming!
Dr. John Watson I don’t care where you are, as long as you're ready.
I'm waiting.
Dr. John Watson I’m not gonna play this game. Remember, I have to catch the last [is immediately struck by a dart from behind, but it doesn't do him any harm; he turns] train.
Dr. John Watson You win [sits down and observes the room surreptitiously] I lose. [disappears behind a newspaper] Game over. [another dart hits the newspaper, Watson quickly puts it down again]
Still don't see me? [reveals himself to have been standing in front of a pillar and a bookshelf wearing camoflauge, laughs, and steps into the middle of the room] Quel surprise! [takes off the hood of his disguise]
Dr. John Watson I'm not going out with you dressed like that.
Would you prefer it if I joined you in the fashion faux pas wearing fine military dress with that heinous handmade scarf? Clearly an early attempt of your fiancé.
Dr. John Watson Oh, how I've missed you, Holmes.
Have you? Why, I've barely noticed your absence. Then again I'm knee-deep in research. Extracting fluids from the adrenal glands of sheep and designing my own urban camouflage. All the while verging on a decisive breakthrough in the single most important case of my career, perhaps of all time.
Has all my instruction been for naught? [pours] You still read the official statement and believe it. It’s a game, dear man, a shadowy game. We’re playing cat and mouse, the professor and I. Cloak and dagger.
Dr. John Watson I thought it was spider and fly. [reads the label of the bottle Holmes has been pouring from]
I’m not a fly, I’m a cat.
Dr. John Watson Not a mouse, but a dagger. [Holmes drinks] You’re drinking embalming fluid.
Dr. John Watson You do seem...
Excited?
Dr. John Watson Manic.
I am.
Dr. John Watson Verging on...
Ecstatic?
Dr. John Watson Psychotic. [pause] I should’ve brought you a sedative.
Dr. John Watson [kicks the automobile in an approving manner]
Not bad that. So, where are we going?
Mycroft Holmes
[out of sight]
In the future there’ll be one of these machines in every town in Europe. [emerges out from under an overhanging roof]
Loitering in the woodshed again, are we, Myckie?
Mycroft Holmes
Good evening, Sherly.
Yeah.
Mycroft Holmes
I see your boot maker is ill, dear brother.
As I detect that you have recently changed the brand of soap with which you shave.
Mycroft Holmes
May I point out that the chimney in the front room at Baker Street is still in need of a damn good sweeping out?
Are you aware that the hackney carriage by which you arrived had a damaged wheel?
Mycroft Holmes
Yes, the left. And it’s plain to the meanest intelligence that you have recently acquired a new bow for your violin.
Same bow, new strings.
Dr. John Watson And may I deduce, Mycroft...good evening, by the way. [gives Mycroft his hand]
Mycroft Holmes
No.
Dr John Watson Ah, well. May I deduce that you who rarely strays from the path that runs from your home to the Diogenes Club and never on a Monday when they serve your favourite potted shrimps must be here for some far more important reason than my stag party?
Mycroft Holmes
You know he’s nothing like as slow-witted as you’ve been leading me to believe, Sherly.
Dr. John Watson [Watson is about to reach for all of his winnings]
All mine? [Holmes crashes through the window and knocks Watson's winnings off the betting table. He looks up and sees Simza chasing the Cossack one floor above and takes off. Watson looks around and suddenly realizes that he is surrounded by opportunistic gamblers] Now wait a minute. [A brawl breaks out as everyone tries to grab the scattered money]
Dr. John Watson [During the train trip, someone knocks on the door to Watson and Mary's compartment]
Come in! [The door opens and a man with a champagne bottle comes in]
Oh, yes, please!
Dr. John Watson We didn’t order that.
"Train Conductor" With our compliments, sir.
Dr. John Watson Thank you. Put it there. [The conductor comes in and closes the door behind himself. He promptly attacks Watson with a knife, but Watson wards him off, and Mary puts a gun to his head, while Watson opens the door]
Open the door, John. I think it’s time for you to leave!
Dr. John Watson [throws the man off the train; to Mary]
Sit down! [opens the door and looks out. A couple of soldiers come towards their compartment; a mystery person suddenly overpowers one of the soldiers and opens fire on the other men, who duck as bullets shatter the windows; when the intruder comes towards Watson, Watson draws his gun on - Holmes, in drag!]
I agree, it's not my best disguise, but I had to make do! [enters the compartment]
Oh, my God! [Holmes sits down next to Mary and hands Watson his pistol]
They'll be back.
Dr. John Watson [in the train, watching for attackers with his gun ready]
How many were you expecting?
Half a dozen.
Dr. John Watson Who are they?
A wedding present from Moriarty. [to Mary] Lovely ceremony by the way. Many a tear shed in joy.
Oh John!
Dr. John Watson [shoots]
Yes, just a minute, darling!
Do you trust me?
No!
Well then I should have to... do something about that. [As they cross a bridge, he pushes Mary out of the train, and she falls into the river]
Dr. John Watson [shoots]
Who’s up to bat next, you bastards? [fires] Send out the fast bowler!
John, do shut the door. [Watson does it, looks around, and realises that Mary is gone] It had to be done! [Watson runs to the other door and looks out] She’s safe now! In my own defence... [Watson attacks him and punches him] I timed it perfectly!
Dr. John Watson Did you kill my wife?! Did you just kill my new wife?!
Of course not!
Dr. John Watson [slaps him]
What do you mean? How do you know that when you just threw her off a train?!
I told you I timed it perfectly!
Dr. John Watson What does that mean?! [They struggle] Explain!
By the time I explain, we'll both be dead! [Moriarty's henchmen open the door and one of them aims a rifle, which is jammed with a lipstick cap inserted into the barrel; lengthy flashback begins showing that Holmes has replaced a bullet in an ammo belt with a tube of lipstick and shoves the cap in the rifle barrel, before covering the henchmen in phosphorus dust; in real time, the henchman fires, the cap creates a squib load, the barrel ruptures, igniting the phosphorus, causing the henchman to burst into flames]
That was no accident. It was by design. Now, do you need me to elaborate, or can we just crack on?
[Holmes and Watson have fled the henchmen by hiding in another train compartment after traversing via the exterior]
Lie down with me, Watson.
Dr. John Watson Why?!
I insist. [Watson lies on the floor next to Holmes, as the henchmen a few doors down assemble a Vickers machine gun]
Dr. John Watson [irritably]
What are we doing down here?
[lights a pipe]
We are waiting... I am smoking. [The soldiers open up, bullets riddling all of the compartments of the train and the walls, and debris raining down on Holmes and Watson] Patiently waiting!
Dr. John Watson For what?
Your window of opportunity. [When the machine gun jams due to the lipstick , Watson jumps up and aims his pistol through the blasted bullet holes] Make it count! [Watson fires, his shot hitting a henchman who has primed a grenade. In shock, the thug drops it into his satchel, by which time the other henchman cycles the bolt and once again opens fire] I said make it count! How many windows must I provide!?
[Holmes and Watson are in Simza's tent]
Madame, this a glorious hedgehog goulash, I can't remember ever having had better.
Dr. John Watson Do tell me, when was the last time you had hedgehog goulash?
I told you Watson, I can't remember.
Dr. John Watson [Holmes, Watson and Simza are on a rooftop opposite the hotel where a bombing has occurred] [holding his stick like it's a rifle]
He took the shot from here, using a tripod, and a shooting stick. [close-up as Moran sets up his rifle]
And realized there was a better position. There's a faint scrape where he dragged his tripod and set it up here. 600 yards. [close-up of Moran dragging his rifle and screwing a silencer onto the end of the barrel]
Dr. John Watson 650.
Not to mention the 7 or 8 mph wind.
Dr. John Watson He would've needed a wind gauge. Which he placed here. [points to some faint scratch marks on the railing]
And put a cigarette down here. [points to a spot on the decorum with a small spot]
Can anyone shoot that far?
Dr. John Watson Not more than half a dozen men in all of Europe.
[showing Holmes and Watson their horses, to Watson]
The black one is yours. The grey one is mine. [to Holmes] And this is for you.
Ah, hm, right! Where are the wagons?
The wagon is too slow. Can’t you ride? [Watson grimaces, hesitatingly]
Dr. John Watson It’s not that he can’t ride. How is it you put it, Holmes?
They're dangerous at both ends and crafty in the middle. Why would I want anything with a mind of its own bobbing about between my legs? Then I should require a bicycle, thank you very much! It’s 1891! Could have chartered a balloon! [He stalks off; Watson turns to Simza]
Dr. John Watson How can we make this more manageable?
[Cuts to the group travelling on horses through the woods, followed by Holmes - who is riding a little pony!]
Where's the fire?
Dr. John Watson [During the shootout with German soldiers in the train yard]
Holmes, how did you know I would find you?
You didn't find me; you collapsed a building on me!
Did you call me a selfish bastard?
Dr. John Watson Probably.
By the way, who taught you how to dance?
Dr. John Watson [smiles]
You did.
