Ham Porter Yes! That's how you do it, Smalls.
Ham, you idiot. Now we can't play no more.
Kid
Great, you idiot.
Ham Porter It was a heater.
Kid#2
Stupid idiot!
Played by Patrick Renna 
The Sandlot (1993) · 28 quotes
The Sandlot (1993) · 28 quotes
Tied for most-quoted character in The Sandlot (1993): in 11 of its 28 quotes
Most scenes with: Benny (5), Squints (4), Bertram (4)
Scenes with Ham Porter
11 scenes Ham Porter Ham Porter Ham Porter Hey, you want a s'more?
Some more of what?
Ham Porter No, do you want a s'more?
I haven't had anything yet... so how can I have some more of nothing?
Ham Porter You're killing me, Smalls! These are s'mores stuff. Okay, pay attention. First you take the graham. You stick the chocolate on the graham. Then, you roast the mallow. When the mallow's flaming, you stick it on the chocolate. Then you cover it with the other end. Then, you stuff.
It's easy when you play with a bunch of rejects and a fat kid, Rodriguez.
Shut your mouth, Phillips!
Ham Porter What'd you say, crap face?
I said, you shouldn't be allowed to touch a baseball. Except for Rodriguez, you're all an insult to the game.
Ham Porter Come on! We'll take you on, right here! Right now! Come on!
Yeah!
We play on a real diamond, Porter. You ain't good enough to lick the dirt off our cleats.
Ham Porter Watch it, jerk!
Shut up, idiot!
Ham Porter Moron!
Scab eater!
Ham Porter Butt sniffer!
Pus licker!
Ham Porter Fart smeller!
You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek!
Ham Porter You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam!
Yeah!
You bob for apples in the toilet! And you like it!
Ham Porter You play ball like a girl!
Ham Porter You heard me.
Tomorrow. Noon, at our field. Be there, buffalo-butt breath.
Ham Porter Count on it, pee-drinking crap-face!
Yeah!
Ham Porter Come on batter this is a short game and i have to get home for lunch.
Ham Porter Is that your sister out in left field? Naked? She's naked, you know.
Ham Porter Hey, hey, hey. I'm just trying to have a friendly conversation, come on. [two seconds later] Think she'll go out with me?
Ham Porter This pop isn't working, Benny! I'm baking like a toasted cheeser - it's so hot here!
Ham Porter If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave its butt and tell it to walk backwards.
Wendy [Squints has just kissed Wendy while she was giving him CPR] [offended]
Ugh! You little pervert!
Oh, man, he's in deep shit.
Wendy [Squints is taken to his feet and is escorted out of the pool by Wendy with his friends following him.]
And stay out! [Storms back to the pool]
Ham [Once out of the pool, another lifeguard throws the Sandlot Kids' clothes out of the pool. Once away Ham and the boys are getting dressed, while Wendy returns to her post as a lifeguard clearly offended by Squints.]
Oh, here's your glasses. Did you plan that?
Of course I did. I've been plannin' it for years.
Ham You guys, he planned that! He knew what he was doing!
[adult voiceover]
Michael "Squints" Palledorous walked a little taller that day and we had to tip our hats to him. He was lucky she hadn't beat the crap out of him. We wouldn't have blamed her. What he'd done was sneaky, rotten, and low...and cool. Not another one among us would have ever, in 1,000,000 years, even for $1,000,000, had the guts to put the move on the lifeguard. He did. He had kissed a woman. And he had kissed her long and good. We got banned from the pool forever that day. But every time we walked by after that, the lifeguard looked down from her tower, right over to Squints, and smiled.
Oh, no!
[A snooty rival baseball team called the Tigers, whom the Sandlot kids are enemies with arrive in their uniforms and bicycles.]
Ah, it's easy when you play with a bunch of rejects and a fat kid, Rodriguez.
Shut your mouth, Phillips!
Ham What'd you say, crap-face?!
I said, you shouldn't be even allowed to touch a baseball. Except for Rodriguez, you're all an insult to the game.
Ham Come on! We'll take you on, right here, right now! Come on!
Yeah!
Ham Yeah, right now!
We play on a real diamond, Porter. You ain't good enough to lick the dirt off our cleats.
Ham Watch it, jerk!
Shut up, idiot!
Ham Moron!
Scab eater!
Ham Butt sniffer!
Pus licker!
Ham Fart smeller!
You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek!
Ham You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam!
Yeah!
You bob for apples in the toilet! And you like it!
Ham You play ball like a girl!
[the Sandlot kids gasp as the entire group stands in shocked silence; the Sandlot kids start laughing] [shocked smile]
What did you say?
Ham You heard me.
Tomorrow. Noon, at our field. Be there, buffalo-butt breath.
Ham Count on it, pee-drinking crap-face!
Yeah!
Let's go!
Ham [about the Tigers]
Jerks. [scene fades to Ham putting on Umpire mask] PLAY BALL! [puts on umpire mask] Hurry up, batter. It's gonna be a short game, and I gotta get home for lunch. [Pitcher pitches and the batter doesn't even swing] Ha-ha! That's one. [scene cuts to new pitch] [to the batter] You know, if my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt, and tell him to walk backwards. [scene cuts to new pitch] The heater. Here it comes. I dare ya. [Ham puts the batter off, he swings and misses] Strike three, you're out. [scene cuts to new pitch] Hey. Is that your sister out there in left field, naked? She's naked.
Ham Hey, hey, hey. I'm just trying to start a friendly conversation. Come on. [two seconds later] Think she'll go out with me?
Ham [At bat, having missed Kenny's first pitch]
You call that pitching?! [Kenny laughs] This is baseball, not tennis. Give me something to hit!
All right, Ham. This is my heater! I DARE you to hit it!
Ham You'll be sorry.
You want the heater? I'll give it to ya. [Pitches the ball to Ham, who hits a home run over the one fence, much to the team's dismay]
Ham Yeah! That's how you do it, Smalls! [Slowly starts to round the bases]
Ham, you idiot! Now we can't play no more!
Great, you [Throws his glove at Ham] idiot!
Ham [Running past first base, as Timmy also throws his glove at him]
It was a heater!
Ham Low and outside! Just like I like it. [The team continues to chase after Ham, smacking him with their hats, and pelting him with their gloves, except Benny, who quietly gathers up his gear, and Smalls, who watches in confusion]
No, you don't understand! That wasn't my ball!
It was my stepdad's. I stole it from his trophy room. It was a present or something. Somebody gave it to him, but we gotta get it back. He's gonna kill me!
Listen to me, Smalls. This is a matter of life and death. Where did your old man get that ball?
What? I don't know. Some lady gave it to him. Why? [the Sandlot kids are confused] Yeah, she even signed her name on it. Some lady named... Ruth. Baby Ruth.
Everyone else
BABE RUTH??!!
Ham [Everyone screams in horror and darts toward the fence]
NO!!!
[Everyone rushes back to Smalls screaming after seeing the ball getting taken by The Beast.]
Hey, guys! What's going on?
The Beast got it!
You're dead as a doornail, Smalls.
You're dead as a doornail, Smalls.
Smalls, you mean to tell me you went home and swiped a ball that was signed by Babe Ruth, and you brought it out here and actually played with it?!
And actually played with it?!
Yeah. Yeah, but I was gonna bring it back.
But it was signed by Babe Ruth!
Yeah. Yeah. You keep telling me that! Who is she?!
Ham [shocked]
WHAT?! WHAT?!
The Sultan of Swat!
The King of Crash!
The Colossus of Clout!
The Colossus of Clout!
Babe Ruth!
Ham [emphatically]
The Great Bambino!
Everyone else
Yes!
Smalls, Babe Ruth was the greatest baseball player that ever lived. I mean, people said he was less than a god, but more than a man. Like, Hercules, or something. That ball you just aced to The Beast is worth...well, more than your whole life, man.
[nauseated]
Ohh... I don't feel so good. [collapses to his knees as he's almost about to throw up]
Uh-oh, fan him. Give him air. Give him air. [ they start fanning Smalls to cool him down]
We gotta get that ball back.
Mr. Mertle [Mr. Mertle confronting Benny and Smalls after they brought back Hercules]
Well, first time anybody’s gotten the best of old Hercules. Why didn't you just knock on the door? I'd have gotten it for ya.
Ham Oh, my God! I can't believe you!
We got the ball back, didn't we?
Ham But we almost got killed!
Didn't we get the ball back? [pushes the others] Just shut up! We got the ball back.
