Calvin
Look here, old man. You been a real pain in my butt, and you're right. I did rob that jewelry store, and now, there's some real bad people after me. And the people you love are gonna get hurt if I don't get that diamond back. And I don't want that to happen, so you better stay... outta... my... way!
Pops
Hold it right there. Who you talking to, sonny boy? Oh, don't give me that old "goo-goo, ga-ga" crap. Hand me that damn phone! Who is this?
Me sorry. Me no speak no English. Wrong number, sorry.
Pops
What the...? Who the hell's no speak the English? Who is this? Say something.
Darryl
Pop, what are you doing?
Pops
I heard some noises, came downstairs and caught this little hoodlum on the phone. He must've been looking for the safe.
Darryl
We don't have a safe.
Pops
Well, he didn't know that.
Calvin
Da-da.
Darryl
Pop, man. He's a baby. It's his first night in a new house. He probably couldn't get no sleep. Look at you, man, holding a shotgun and wearing red socks. You look like Fred Sanford on crack. Put that away, man. Go to bed.
Pops
Oh, man, you are good. You are real good. Yeah, I'm gonna keep my eye on you. [Calvin gives him the middle finger] Ooh, you gonna give me the finger? Where'd you learn that, huh? BET videos after dark?
Pops
Oh, no, you don't! No, you don't! No, no, no!
Dad!
Darryl
C'mon, Pop, let him sit there. Let him have a cookie.
Pops
This is my throne, my sanctuary. This is my air, my end zone.
Darryl
It's just a cookie.
Pops
Oh, it start with the cookie. And then they want to come to dinner. Then they want to move in. Next thing you know, they're married to your daughter.
Darryl
See, why he got to bring it back here when he...
Pops
He already made that mistake once.
Darryl
Hey, hey. Come on, now.
Pops
Mmm-mmm.
Honey.
Pops
No more, my brother. Nobody makes a fool out of me. I'm from Detroit.
Ooh, someone is at the door.
Darryl
I can't wait for everyone to meet little Calvin. I am so excited.
Pops
Yeah, yeah. Introduce him to everybody else, and then go over to someone else's house. Cookie's got a little bite to it.
Pops
You don't mess with a man from Detroit? You hear me? I'm from Detroit!
Darryl
What the hell's going on here?
Daddy, get off of him. Get off of the baby.
Darryl
Stop it.
Pops
That ain't no baby, that's a criminal.
I've had it with you. I'm calling Whispering Glen.
Pops
Vanessa, I ain't crazy. You see, I know what is and I know what ain't is. And he ain't is what he say he is. You see, is is and ain't's ain't. Check the teddy bear. The teddy bear. Teddy bear knows. Come on, then. Please.
We'll take good care of your father. Whispering Glen is a safe facility. Give him a couple days to adjust...
Pops
Let me go!
...and then come visit.
Pops
Vanessa, believe me. Is is, ain't's ain't.
Use the taser if you have to.
Pops
Check the teddy bear. The teddy bear. [screams as he gets tased]
All right, dude. You busted my Sergio da Vincis $62.50 designer frames. Not cool. Not cool. Okay, buddy. We can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
Calvin
I think I like it the hard way.
Did we get him?
He's yours, man.
Dude, you just woke the dragon up. Prepare for pain!
Calvin
It's time for the dragon to go back to sleep.
What are you doing? Stop.
Calvin
You going down, Sasquatch.
Better not.
Walken
Now tell me, where's my diamond?
Darryl
I already told you, I don't have it.
Walken
You don't tell me where my diamond is, that cute little baby of yours is gonna get hurt. [Bruno falls down the stairs, screaming] Moron, get the kid! Get the kid. I want him.
Ah, there you are! Come on, buddy. Come to Uncle Roscoe. Uh-uh. Okay, now, play nicey-nicey. [Calvin whacks Roscoe with a golf club, and Roscoe falls down the stairs and breaks his shades]
Walken
Say, is this the guy who double-crossed Percy?
Yeah, that's the guy, boss.
Darryl
Listen, I don't know anyone named Percy. You must have gotten the wrong guy.
Walken
Cut the crap. I want my diamond.
Darryl
I don't have it.
Walken
Well, that's too bad. I guess we're just gonna have to beat it out of you.
Darryl
I just called the cops, and they're on their way over here.
Walken
Really? That doesn't leave us much time then. [to thugs] Take him.
Darryl
Wait, wait, wait, guys.
Calvin
Dada. Dada.
Walken
Who's this little guy?
Darryl
That's my son.
Walken
Take him upstairs. I wanna talk to you.
Cute kid.
Darryl
It's just that... I don't have... Ow! Ow! Hey, that's my nipple!
Walken
What the hell's going on here? That ain't no baby. Who else is here?
Darryl
Nobody.
Walken
Who's here?!
Darryl
Nobody, I swear.
Walken
Come on, inside, inside. There's the little monster. What does he got there?
Darryl
It's an airplane.
Walken
Tell him to get rid of the plane. Get rid of it!
Darryl
Calvin, throw the plane. [Calvin throws the plane and both Darryl and Calvin stay still]
Walken
What are you doing? [Calvin and Darryl point the airplane at him and the plane hits his groin and he falls to the ground on his knees]
Darryl
Don't move!
Walken
Save it, tough guy. You're not gonna shoot me.
Calvin
But I will.
Freeze, police!
Freeze, police!
I got this. You, check the house. Black cops, come with me. White lady, you stay here.
Walken
I'm telling you, guys, that ain't no baby. He's a mastermind behind the whole thing.
Get him outta here.
Walken
He's a stone-cold killer, that kid.
Would you get this thing off me?!
Relax. Where you're going, you might wanna keep that on.
I don't wanna go to jail. It's too dark. There's no TV.
Hey, man! Get your own!
Darryl
What?
Beer! It's empty!
Darryl
So get another one!
I'm gonna--
[The Chiefs fan is about to attack Darryl, but is held back by his friend, while other fans attack Darryl.]
Darryl
You suck! You suck!
SHUT IT, YOU LOSERS! Wanna come at me?! Come on down here and come play with the big boys!
Darryl
You're a bully! You're a bully, man!
Yeah, I thought so, you princess! Come on, you!
Darryl
Pick on somebody your own size!
Come on down here, then!
Who did that?
Calvin
Uh-oh. [points at Darryl]
You. [brandishes his hockey stick] YOU'RE DEAD!!!
Darryl
I...
Darryl
Aah, he's gonna kill me!