Ken quotes from In Bruges (2008)

Ken

We shall strike a balance between culture and fun.

Ray

Somehow I believe, Ken, that the balance shall tip in the favour of culture, like a big fat **** **** **** black girl on a see-saw opposite... a dwarf.

Ken

Coming up?

Ray

What's up there?

Ken

The view.

Ray

The view of what? The view of down here? I can see that from down here.

Ken

Ray, you are about the worst tourist in the whole world.

Ray

Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was ****, Bruges might impress me but I didn't, so it doesn't.

Ken

It's Judgment Day, you know?

Ray

No. What's that then?

Ken

Well, it's, you know, the final day on Earth, when mankind will be judged for the crimes they've committed and that.

Ray

Oh. And see who gets into heaven and who gets into hell and all that.

Ken

Yeah. And what's the other place?

Ray

Purgatory.

Ken

Purgatory... what's that?

Ray

Purgatory's kind of like the in-betweeny one. You weren't really shit, but you weren't all that great either. Like Tottenham. [pause] Do you believe in all that stuff, Ken?

Ken

About Tottenham?

Ken

You from the States?

Yeah. But don't hold it against me.

Ken

I'll try not to... Just try not to say anything too loud or crass.

Ken

Your girlfriend's very pretty.

She ain't my girlfriend. She's a prostitute I just picked up.

Ken

I wasn't aware there were any prostitutes in Bruges.

You just have to look in the right places... brothels are good.

Ken

Well, you've picked up a very pretty prostitute.

Thank you.

Ken

How did your date go?

Ray

My date involved two instances of extreme violence, one instance of her hand on my **** and my finger up her thing, which lasted all too briefly - isn't that always the way? - one instance of me stealing 5 grams of a very high quality cocaine and one instance of me blinding a poofy little skinhead, so, all in all, my evening pretty well balanced out...fine.

Ken

You've got five grams of coke?

Ray

No, I got four grams on me and one gram in me, which me heart is going like the **** clappers as if I'm about to have a heart attack, so if I collapse any minute now please remember to tell the doctors it might have something to do with the coke.

Ray

Jesus, Ken, I'm trying to talk about...

Ken

I know what you're trying to talk about.

Ray

I killed a little boy. You keep bringing up the **** lollipop man.

Ken

You didn't mean to kill a little boy.

Ray

I know I didn't mean to... but because of the choices I made, and the course that I put into action, that little boy isn't here anymore, and he'll never be here again. [pause] I mean here in the world, not here in Belgium. Well he'll never be here in Belgium either, will he? I mean, he might've wanted to come here when he got older. Don't know why. And that's all because of me. He's dead because of me. And I'm trying to... been trying to get me head around it, but I can't. I will have always have killed that little boy. That ain't ever going away. Ever. Unless... maybe I go away.

Ken

Don't even think like that.

Ken

What the **** are you doing, Ray?

Ray

What the **** are 'you' doing?

Ken

Nothing.

Ray

Oh, my God... you were gonna kill me.

Ken

No, I wa - You were gonna kill yourself!

Ray

Well... I'm allowed.

Ken

No, you're not!

Ray

What? I'm not allowed, and you are? How's that fair?

Ken

The boy's suicidal Harry. He's a walking dead man. Keeps going on about hell and purgatory -

Harry

When I phoned you yesterday, did I ask you 'Ken, would you do me a favor and become Ray's psychiatrist please?' No. What I think what I asked you was "would you go blow his **** head off for me?" "He's suicidal"? I'm suicidal, you're suicidal, everybody's **** suicidal. We don't all keep going on about it. Has he killed himself yet? So he's not **** suicidal, is he?

Ken

He put a loaded gun to his head this morning, I stopped him.

Harry

He... What? This gets **** worse!

Ken

We were down the park...

Harry

Let me get this right. You were down in the park? What's that got to do with **** anything? Let me get this right. Not only have you refused to kill the boy, you even stopped the boy from killing himself, which would have solved my problem, which would have solved your problem, which sounds like it would have solved the boy's problem.

Ken

It wouldn't have solved his problem.

Harry

Ken, if I had killed a little kid, accidentally or otherwise, I wouldn't have thought twice. I'd killed myself on the **** spot. On the **** spot. I would've stuck the gun in me mouth on the **** spot!

Ken

That's you, Harry. The boy has the capacity to change. The boy has the capacity to do something decent with his life.

Harry

Excuse me, Ken, I have the capacity to change.

Ken

Yeah, you do. You've the capacity to get **** worse!

Harry

Ah yeah, now I'm getting down to it!

Ken

Harry, let's face it. And I'm not being funny, I mean no disrespect, but you're a ****. You're a **** now, you've always been a ****. And, the only thing that's gonna change is that you're gonna become an even bigger ****. Maybe have some more **** kids.

Harry

Leave my kids **** out of it! What have they done? You **** retract that bit about my **** **** kids!

Ken

I retract that bit about your **** **** kids.

Harry

Insulting my **** kids?! That's going overboard, mate!

Ken

I retracted it, didn't I?! [quietly] Still leaves you a ****...

Harry

Yeah, I **** got that.

Ken

We are doing what I want to do, got it?

Ray

Of course, which I presume will involve culture.

Ken

Oh, we shall strike a balance between culture and fun.

Ray

Somehow I believe, Ken, that the balance shall tip in the favour of culture, like a big fat **** **** **** black girl on a see-saw opposite... a dwarf.

There are a lot of alcoves in the Koningin Astridpark. You use this word, alcoves?

Ken

Alcoves? Yes. Sometimes.

There are not many people around in these alcoves in Christmas time. If I were to murder a man, I would murder him here. (beat) Are you sure this is the right word, alcoves?

Ken

Alcoves, yes! It's kind of like, nooks and crannies.

Nooks and crannies, yes! Perhaps this would be more accurate. Nooks and crannies rather than alcoves. Yeah! You are going to do it, aren't you? Mr. Waters would be very disappointed.

Ken

Of course I'm going to **** do it. It's what I do.

Ken

Ray, don't!

Ray

****in' hell! Where the **** did you come from?

Ken

I've behind a thing. What the **** you doing, Ray?

Ray

What the **** are you doing?

Ken

Nothin'.

Ray

Oh, my God... you were gonna kill me.

Ken

No, I wa - You were gonna kill yourself!

Ray

Well... I'm allowed.

Ken

No, you're not!

Ray

What? I'm not allowed, and you are? How's that fair?

Ray

Mine's a bloody girl's gun.

Ken

I'm keeping it.

Ray

Pardon me? Gimme me gun back.

Ken

You're not getting it back. You're a suicide case.

Ray

And you were trying to shoot me in the **** head.

Ken

You're not getting that gun back.

Ray

Oh, great day this has turned out to be. I'm suicidal, me mate tries to kill me, me gun gets nicked and we're still in **** Bruges.

Ken

Listen, I'm gonna give you some money and put you on a train somewhere.

Ray

Back to England?

Ken

You can't go back to England, Ray. You'd be a dead man!

Ray

Ken, I wanna be a dead man. Have you been missing somethin'?

Ken

You don't wanna a dead man, Ray.

Ray

I killed a little boy! [Sobs]

Ken

Then save the next little boy. Just go away somewhere, get out of this business and try to do something good. You're not gonna help anybody dead. You're not gonna bring that boy back, but you might save the next one.

Ray

What am I gonna be, a doctor? You need exams.

Ray

Do anything, Ray. Do anything!

Ray

What a wanker!

Ken

He said this whole trip... this whole being in Bruges thing, was just to give you one last, joyful memory before you died.

Ray

In Bruges? [Laughs] The Bahamas, maybe? Why **** Bruges?

Ken

I suppose it's cheaper.

Ray

The rest of the acid and the ecstasy. Can I have me gun back, please? What am I gonna do, Ken? What am I gonna do?

Ken

Just keep moving. Keep on moving. Try not to think about it. Learn a new language, maybe?

Ray

Sure, I can hardly do English. That's one thing I like about Europe, though. You don't have to learn any of their languages.

Ken

Just forget about home for a while. See how the land lies in six years, seven years. Seven years is not that long.

Ray

It's longer than that boy got. My first **** job. Great hitman I turned out to be.

Ken

Some people just aren't cut out for it, Ray.

Ray

Are you? When are you going back to England?

Ken

I'll head back in a couple of hours or something.

Ray

Harry's not gonna be mad at you, is he? For letting me go?

Ken

I'll sort out Harry.

Ray

Just tell him I'll have probably killed myself in a fortnight, anyway.

Ken

You won't, will you, Ray?

Ken

Harry? It's Ken. Listen to this noise. Do you know what that is? Yeah, I know you know it's a train. Do you know what train? Well, it's a train that Ray just got on, and he's alive and he's well, and he doesn't know where he's going and neither do I. So if you need to do your worst, do your worst. You've got the address of the hotel. I'll be here waiting. Because I've got to quite like Bruges now. It's like a **** fairytale or something. [Ken hangs up]

Natalie

Harry. Harry!

Harry

What!

Natalie

It's an inanimate **** object!

Harry

You're an inanimate **** object!