Colm Doherty quotes from The Banshees of Inisherin (2022)

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Now... if I've done somethin' to ya, just tell me what I've done to ya. And if I've said somethin' to ya or maybe if I've said somethin' when I was drunk and forgotten it. But I don't think I've said somethin' when I was drunk and I've forgotten it. But if I did, then tell me what it was. And I'll say sorry for that too Colm. With all me heart, I'll say sorry. Just stop running away from me like some fool of a moody school child.

Colm Doherty

But you didn't say anything to me. And you didn't do anything to me.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Well that's what I was thinking, like.

Colm Doherty

I just don't like ya no more.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

You do like me.

Colm Doherty

I don't.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

But you liked me yesterday.

Colm Doherty

Oh, did I, yeah?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

I thought you did...

You can't just all of a sudden stop being friends with a fella!

Colm Doherty

Why can't I?

Why can't ya? Because it isn't nice. Has he said somethin' to ya when he was drunk?

Colm Doherty

No, I prefer him when he's drunk. It's all the rest of the time I have the problem with.

What's the fecking matter, then?

Colm Doherty

He's dull, Siobhan.

He's what?

Colm Doherty

He's dull.

But he's always been dull. What's changed?

Colm Doherty

I've changed. I just don't have a place for dullness in me life anymore.

But you live on an island off the coast of Ireland, Colm. What the hell are you hoping for, like?

Colm Doherty

For a bit of peace, Siobhan. That's all. For a bit of peace in me heart, like. You can understand that. Can't ya? Can't ya?

Colm Doherty

If you don't stop talkin' to me, and if you don't stop botherin' me, or sendin' your sister or your priest to bother me...

Pádraic Súilleabháin

I didn't send me sister to bother you, did I? She has her own mind. Although, I did send the priest though, you have me there.

Colm Doherty

What I've decided to do is this. I have a set of shears at home. And each time you bother me from this day on, I'll take those shears and I'll take one of me fingers off with them. And I'll give that finger to ya. A finger from me left hand. Me fiddle hand. And each day you bother me more, another I'll take off and I'll give ya until you see sense enough to stop. Or until I have no fingers left. Does this make things clearer to ya?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Not really, no.

Colm Doherty

Because I don't want to hurt your feelings, Padraic. I don't, like. But it feels like the drastic is the only option left open to me.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

You've loads of options left open to ya. How's fingers the first port of call?

Colm Doherty

Please, don't talk to me no more, Padraic. Please. I'm begging you.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

But...

Shush, like, Padraic. Just, you know, shush, like.

Yeah, I'd shush, like.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

I will shush. Except me and me sister were thinking, you might just be a bit depressed, Colm. And I tell you this much, fingers just confirms it. Don't you think, Colm?

Colm Doherty

Starting from now.

Colm Doherty

I was too harsh yesterday.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Yesterday, he says! I know well you was too harsh yesterday.

Colm Doherty

I just... I just have this tremendous sense of time slipping away on me, Padraic. And I think I need to spend the time I have left thinking and composing. Just trying not to listen to any more of the dull things you have to say for yourself. But I am sorry about it. I am, like.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Are you dying?

Colm Doherty

No, I'm not dying.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

But then you have loads of time.

Colm Doherty

For chatting?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Aye.

Colm Doherty

For aimless chatting?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Not for aimless chatting. For good, normal chatting.

Colm Doherty

So we'll keep aimlessly chatting and my life will keep on dwindling. And in 12 years, I'll die with nothin' to show for it, bar the chats I've had with a limited man, is that it?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

I said, "not aimless chatting" I said "Good, normal chatting."

Colm Doherty

The other night, two hours, you spent talking to me about the things you found in your little donkey's shite that day. Two hours, Padraic. I timed it.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Well it wasn't me little donkey's shite, was it? It was me pony's shite. Which shows how much you were listenin'.

Colm Doherty

None of it helps me. Do you understand? None of it helps me.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

We'll just talk about something else, then!

Pádraic Súilleabháin

How are ya, fatty? Dancing with your dog, is it? Well who else is gonna dance with ya? Your poor dog has no say in the matter. And if you're too rude to be offering me a seat, I'll be taking one of me own accord! [sits] How's that for an old hello?

Colm Doherty

Have you gone fecking mental?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Have I gone fecking mental? No I haven't gone fecking mental. Not only have I not gone fecking mental, but I have got ten fingers to prove I'm not fecking mental. How many fingers have you got to prove you're not fecking mental?

Colm Doherty

Nine fingers.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Nine fingers is the epitome of mental.

What do you need from him, Colm? To end all this?

Colm Doherty

Silence, Siobhan. Just silence.

One more silent man on Inisherin, good-oh! Silence it is, so.

Colm Doherty

This isn't about Inisherin. It's about one boring man leaving another man alone, that's all.

One boring man! You're all **** boring! With your piddling grievances over nothin'! You're all **** boring! I'll see he doesn't talk to you no more.

Colm Doherty

Do. Else it'll be all four of them the next time, not just the one.

You're not serious. Well, that won't help your fecking music.

Colm Doherty

Aye. We're gettin' somewhere now.

I think you might be ill, Colm.

Do you think God gives a damn about miniature donkeys, Colm?

Colm Doherty

I fear he doesn't. And I fear that's where it's all gone wrong.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Do you know what you used to be?

Colm Doherty

No, what did I used to be?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Nice! You used to be nice! And now, do you know what you are? Not nice.

Colm Doherty

Ah, well, I suppose niceness doesn't last then, does it? But will I tell ya something that does last?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

What? And don't say somethin' stupid like music.

Colm Doherty

Music lasts.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Knew it!

Colm Doherty

And paintings last. And poetry lasts.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

So does niceness.

Colm Doherty

Do you know who we remember for how nice they was in the 17th century?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Who?

Colm Doherty

Absolutely no one. Yet we all remember the music of the time. Everyone, to a man, knows Mozart's name.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Well, I don't, so there goes that theory. And anyway, we're talkin' about niceness. Not what's his name. My mammy, she was nice. I remember her. And my daddy, he was nice. I remember him. And my sister, she's nice. I'll remember her. Forever I'll remember her.

Colm Doherty

And who else will?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Who else will what?

Colm Doherty

Remember Siobhan and your niceness? No one will. In 50 years' time, no one will remember any of us. Yet the music of a man who lived two centuries ago...

Wouldn't you say punching a policeman is a sin?

Colm Doherty

Ah here. If punching a policeman is a sin, we may as well just pack up and go home.

He won't be bothering you no more.

Colm Doherty

That's a shame. That's the most interesting he's ever been. I think I like him again now.

Colm Doherty

So, let's just call it quits and agree to go our separate ways, for good this time.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Your fat fingers killed me little donkey today. So, no, we won't call it quits. We'll call it the start.

Colm Doherty

You're jokin' me.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Yeah, no. I'm not jokin' ya. So tomorrow, Sunday, God's day, around 2:00, I'm going to call up to your house and I'm gonna set fire to it, and hopefully you'll still be inside it. But I won't be checkin' either way. Just be sure and leave your dog outside. I've nothing against that gom. Or you can do whatever's in your power to stop me. To our graves we're taking this. To one of our graves, anyways.

Colm Doherty

Pádraic. Thanks for lookin' after me dog for me, anyways.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Anytime.