The Banshees of Inisherin 2022 quotes

Colm Doherty

I was too harsh yesterday.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Yesterday, he says! I know well you was too harsh yesterday.

Colm Doherty

I just... I just have this tremendous sense of time slipping away on me, Padraic. And I think I need to spend the time I have left thinking and composing. Just trying not to listen to any more of the dull things you have to say for yourself. But I am sorry about it. I am, like.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Are you dying?

Colm Doherty

No, I'm not dying.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

But then you have loads of time.

Colm Doherty

For chatting?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Aye.

Colm Doherty

For aimless chatting?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Not for aimless chatting. For good, normal chatting.

Colm Doherty

So we'll keep aimlessly chatting and my life will keep on dwindling. And in 12 years, I'll die with nothin' to show for it, bar the chats I've had with a limited man, is that it?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

I said, "not aimless chatting" I said "Good, normal chatting."

Colm Doherty

The other night, two hours, you spent talking to me about the things you found in your little donkey's shite that day. Two hours, Padraic. I timed it.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Well it wasn't me little donkey's shite, was it? It was me pony's shite. Which shows how much you were listenin'.

Colm Doherty

None of it helps me. Do you understand? None of it helps me.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

We'll just talk about something else, then!

Colm Doherty

If you don't stop talkin' to me, and if you don't stop botherin' me, or sendin' your sister or your priest to bother me...

Pádraic Súilleabháin

I didn't send me sister to bother you, did I? She has her own mind. Although, I did send the priest though, you have me there.

Colm Doherty

What I've decided to do is this. I have a set of shears at home. And each time you bother me from this day on, I'll take those shears and I'll take one of me fingers off with them. And I'll give that finger to ya. A finger from me left hand. Me fiddle hand. And each day you bother me more, another I'll take off and I'll give ya until you see sense enough to stop. Or until I have no fingers left. Does this make things clearer to ya?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Not really, no.

Colm Doherty

Because I don't want to hurt your feelings, Padraic. I don't, like. But it feels like the drastic is the only option left open to me.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

You've loads of options left open to ya. How's fingers the first port of call?

Colm Doherty

Please, don't talk to me no more, Padraic. Please. I'm begging you.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

But...

Shush, like, Padraic. Just, you know, shush, like.

Yeah, I'd shush, like.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

I will shush. Except me and me sister were thinking, you might just be a bit depressed, Colm. And I tell you this much, fingers just confirms it. Don't you think, Colm?

Colm Doherty

Starting from now.

Colm Doherty

Pádraic. Thanks for lookin' after me dog for me, anyways.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Anytime.

Colm Doherty

So, let's just call it quits and agree to go our separate ways, for good this time.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Your fat fingers killed me little donkey today. So, no, we won't call it quits. We'll call it the start.

Colm Doherty

You're jokin' me.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Yeah, no. I'm not jokin' ya. So tomorrow, Sunday, God's day, around 2:00, I'm going to call up to your house and I'm gonna set fire to it, and hopefully you'll still be inside it. But I won't be checkin' either way. Just be sure and leave your dog outside. I've nothing against that gom. Or you can do whatever's in your power to stop me. To our graves we're taking this. To one of our graves, anyways.

Dominic Kearney

Howdo!

Jesus Christ, Dominic! Would you ever stop creeping up on people? You almost gave me a fecking heart attack!

Dominic Kearney

I wasn't creeping up on ya. I was sliding up on ya.

Between you and that ghoul, Jesus!

Dominic Kearney

I always call her a ghoul, too, because she is a ghoul. Jeez, we have a lot in common, don't we? Me and you. Calling old people ghouls and that. It's a great old lake, isn't it? I'm glad I caught you, actually. Because there was somethin' I was wantin' to ask ya, actually. And discovering how much we have in common... well, it just makes me want to ask you even more.

We don't have anything in common.

Dominic Kearney

Don't skip ahead. But yeah, what I was wantin' to ask you was... Somethin' along the lines of... Should've planned this, really. Well, yeah, what I was wantin' to ask you was... You probably wouldn't ever want to, I don't know... to fall in love with a boy like me, would ya?

Dominic, I don't think so, love.

Dominic Kearney

No, yeah, no. I was thinking no. Not even in the future, like? Like when I'm your age?

Dominic Kearney

Yeah, no, I didn't think so. Just thought I'd ask on the off chance, you know... like "faint heart" and that. Well, there goes that dream. Well... I best go over there and do whatever that thing over there I was gonna do was.

Dominic Kearney

Me, I pay no attention to wars. I'm agin' 'em. Wars and soap.

Dominic Kearney

What trouble are ya in with him?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

He just... doesn't want to be friends with me any more.

Dominic Kearney

What is he, twelve?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

How are ya, fatty? Dancing with your dog, is it? Well who else is gonna dance with ya? Your poor dog has no say in the matter. And if you're too rude to be offering me a seat, I'll be taking one of me own accord! [sits] How's that for an old hello?

Colm Doherty

Have you gone fecking mental?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Have I gone fecking mental? No I haven't gone fecking mental. Not only have I not gone fecking mental, but I have got ten fingers to prove I'm not fecking mental. How many fingers have you got to prove you're not fecking mental?

Colm Doherty

Nine fingers.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Nine fingers is the epitome of mental.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Do you know what you used to be?

Colm Doherty

No, what did I used to be?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Nice! You used to be nice! And now, do you know what you are? Not nice.

Colm Doherty

Ah, well, I suppose niceness doesn't last then, does it? But will I tell ya something that does last?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

What? And don't say somethin' stupid like music.

Colm Doherty

Music lasts.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Knew it!

Colm Doherty

And paintings last. And poetry lasts.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

So does niceness.

Colm Doherty

Do you know who we remember for how nice they was in the 17th century?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Who?

Colm Doherty

Absolutely no one. Yet we all remember the music of the time. Everyone, to a man, knows Mozart's name.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Well, I don't, so there goes that theory. And anyway, we're talkin' about niceness. Not what's his name. My mammy, she was nice. I remember her. And my daddy, he was nice. I remember him. And my sister, she's nice. I'll remember her. Forever I'll remember her.

Colm Doherty

And who else will?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Who else will what?

Colm Doherty

Remember Siobhan and your niceness? No one will. In 50 years' time, no one will remember any of us. Yet the music of a man who lived two centuries ago...

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Now... if I've done somethin' to ya, just tell me what I've done to ya. And if I've said somethin' to ya or maybe if I've said somethin' when I was drunk and forgotten it. But I don't think I've said somethin' when I was drunk and I've forgotten it. But if I did, then tell me what it was. And I'll say sorry for that too Colm. With all me heart, I'll say sorry. Just stop running away from me like some fool of a moody school child.

Colm Doherty

But you didn't say anything to me. And you didn't do anything to me.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Well that's what I was thinking, like.

Colm Doherty

I just don't like ya no more.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

You do like me.

Colm Doherty

I don't.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

But you liked me yesterday.

Colm Doherty

Oh, did I, yeah?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

I thought you did...

Pádraic Súilleabháin

They don't think I'm dim or anything?

Dim? No.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

You don't seem very sure about it.

Of course, I'm sure about it.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Dominic's the dim one on the island, isn't he?

He is, aye. By miles.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Uh, hang on, by miles. And then, who's the next dimmest?

Well, I don't like to judge people in those terms now, do I?

Pádraic Súilleabháin

In what terms?

In order of their dimness.

Pádraic Súilleabháin

Well, I know you don't. And neither do I, do I? But try, like.

No! I won't try. There's enough judgy people on this fecking island, so no! You're not dim! You're a nice man, all right? So, move on!

Pádraic Súilleabháin

I'm as clever as you, anyways. I know that at least.

Yeah, don't be fecking stupid.

Do you think God gives a damn about miniature donkeys, Colm?

Colm Doherty

I fear he doesn't. And I fear that's where it's all gone wrong.

Wouldn't you say punching a policeman is a sin?

Colm Doherty

Ah here. If punching a policeman is a sin, we may as well just pack up and go home.

Dear Padraic, I am safely ensconced in the mainland and, Padraic, it's lovely here. There's a river running past my window as I write, and the people already seem less bitter and mental. I'm not sure why, but I think it's 'cause a lot of them are from Spain. Mostly, I wanted to say there's a spare bed here for you, Padraic. And with the war almost over, I think there'd be work for ya here. Because there's nothing for you on Inisherin. Nothing but more bleakness and grudges and loneliness and spite and the slow passing of time until death. And sure, you can do that anywhere. So come, Padraic. Leave there.

He won't be bothering you no more.

Colm Doherty

That's a shame. That's the most interesting he's ever been. I think I like him again now.