Chloë There's never been a classic movie made in Bruges until now.
Of course there hasn't. It's a shithole.
Chloë Bruges is my home town, Ray.
Well, it's still a shithole.
Chloë It's not a shithole!
What? Even midgets have to take drugs to stick it.
Chloë Okay. So, you've insulted my home town. You were doing really well, Raymond. Why don't you tell me some Belgium jokes while you're at it?
Don't know any Belgium jokes, and if I did I think I'd have the good sense not to... hang on. Is Belgium with all those child abuse murders lately? I do know a Belgium joke. What's Belgium famous for? Chocolates and child abuse, and they only invented the chocolates to get to the kids. [sees Chloë's shocked expression] What?
Chloë One of the girls they murdered was a friend of mine.
[after a long pause, feeling bad]
I'm sorry, Chloë.
Chloë One of the girls they murdered wasn't a friend of mine. I just wanted to make you feel bad. And it worked! Quite well.
[to Eirik, with his eyepatch]
Aye-aye!
Yuri Take your pick, Mr. Waters.
An UZI? Ha, I'm not from South Central Los **** Angeles. I didn't come here to shoot 20 black 10-year olds in a **** drive-by - I want a normal gun for a normal person.
Yuri I knew he wouldn't kill the guy. I could see it in his eyes when I was telling him about the alcoves.
Yuri The alcoves - the alcoves in the Koningin Astrid Park. Oh, I also have some dimdims. You use this word, "dimdims"? The bullets that make the head explode?
Yuri Would you like some of these dimdims?
Eirik Mother****er.
Yuri No, Eirik's on your side, Mr. Waters. Your young friend blinded him last night.
Eirik I was trying to rob him. And he took my gun from me. And the gun was full of blanks. And he shot a blank into my eye. And now I cannot see from this eye ever again, the doctors say.
Well, to be honest, it sounds like it was all your fault.
Eirik What?!
I mean basically, if you're robbing a man and you're only carrying blanks, and you allow your gun to be taken off you, and you allow yourself to be shot in the eye with a blank which I assume that the person has to get quite close to you then, yeah, really, it's all your fault for being such a poof, so why don't you stop whining and cheer the **** up.
Yuri [Eirik, furious, stands up]
Eirik - I really wouldn't respond.
Eirik I thought you wanted the guy dead?
I do want the guy dead, I want him **** crucified. But it don't change the fact that he stitched you up like a blind little gay boy, does it?
[looking at a surreal Bosch painting]
It's Judgment Day, you know?
Well, it's, you know, the final day on Earth, when mankind will be judged for the crimes they've committed and that.
Oh. And see who gets into heaven and who gets into hell and all that.
Yeah. And what's the other place?
Purgatory... what's that?
Purgatory's kind of like the in-betweeny one. You weren't really shit, but you weren't all that great either. Like Tottenham. [pause] Do you believe in all that stuff, Ken?
[preparing to climb the the belfry]
Coming up?
The view of what? The view of down here? I can see that from down here.
Ray, you are about the worst tourist in the whole world.
Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was ****, Bruges might impress me but I didn't, so it doesn't.
My date involved two instances of extreme violence, one instance of her hand on my **** and my finger up her thing, which lasted all too briefly - isn't that always the way? - one instance of me stealing 5 grams of a very high quality cocaine and one instance of me blinding a poofy little skinhead, so, all in all, my evening pretty well balanced out...fine.
You've got five grams of coke?
[shakes head]
No, I got four grams on me and one gram in me, which me heart is going like the **** clappers as if I'm about to have a heart attack, so if I collapse any minute now please remember to tell the doctors it might have something to do with the coke.
The boy's suicidal Harry. He's a walking dead man. Keeps going on about hell and purgatory -
When I phoned you yesterday, did I ask you 'Ken, would you do me a favor and become Ray's psychiatrist please?' No. What I think what I asked you was "would you go blow his **** head off for me?" "He's suicidal"? I'm suicidal, you're suicidal, everybody's **** suicidal. We don't all keep going on about it. Has he killed himself yet? So he's not **** suicidal, is he?
He put a loaded gun to his head this morning, I stopped him.
He... What? This gets **** worse!
Let me get this right. You were down in the park? What's that got to do with **** anything? Let me get this right. Not only have you refused to kill the boy, you even stopped the boy from killing himself, which would have solved my problem, which would have solved your problem, which sounds like it would have solved the boy's problem.
It wouldn't have solved his problem.
Ken, if I had killed a little kid, accidentally or otherwise, I wouldn't have thought twice. I'd killed myself on the **** spot. On the **** spot. I would've stuck the gun in me mouth on the **** spot!
That's you, Harry. The boy has the capacity to change. The boy has the capacity to do something decent with his life.
Excuse me, Ken, I have the capacity to change.
Yeah, you do. You've the capacity to get **** worse!
Ah yeah, now I'm getting down to it!
Harry, let's face it. And I'm not being funny, I mean no disrespect, but you're a ****. You're a **** now, you've always been a ****. And, the only thing that's gonna change is that you're gonna become an even bigger ****. Maybe have some more **** kids.
[furious]
Leave my kids **** out of it! What have they done? You **** retract that bit about my **** **** kids!
I retract that bit about your **** **** kids.
Insulting my **** kids?! That's going overboard, mate!
I retracted it, didn't I?! [quietly] Still leaves you a ****...
What the **** are you doing, Ray?
What the **** are 'you' doing?
[Ken sticks pistol behind his back]
Nothing.
Oh, my God... you were gonna kill me.
No, I wa - You were gonna kill yourself!
What? I'm not allowed, and you are? How's that fair?
I don't hit women. I'd never hit a woman, Chloë! I hit a woman who was trying to hit me with a bottle! That's different, that's self defense, isn't it? Or a woman who did karate. I'd never hit a woman generally, Chloë. Don't think that. God, you're pretty.
Chloë I have to make a call.
Oh no. You've gone off me, haven't you? Just cause I hit that **** cow.
[she kisses him]
Jesus, Ken, I'm trying to talk about...
I know what you're trying to talk about.
I killed a little boy. You keep bringing up the **** lollipop man.
You didn't mean to kill a little boy.
I know I didn't mean to... but because of the choices I made, and the course that I put into action, that little boy isn't here anymore, and he'll never be here again. [pause] I mean here in the world, not here in Belgium. Well he'll never be here in Belgium either, will he? I mean, he might've wanted to come here when he got older. Don't know why. And that's all because of me. He's dead because of me. And I'm trying to... been trying to get me head around it, but I can't. I will have always have killed that little boy. That ain't ever going away. Ever. Unless... maybe I go away.
Don't even think like that.
Your girlfriend's very pretty.
Jimmy She ain't my girlfriend. She's a prostitute I just picked up.
I wasn't aware there were any prostitutes in Bruges.
Jimmy You just have to look in the right places... brothels are good.
Well, you've picked up a very pretty prostitute.
Jimmy Thank you.
Overweight Man Been to the top of the tower?
Yeah, yeah, it's rubbish.
Overweight Man It is? Guide book says it's a must see.
Well you lot ain't goin' up there.
Overweight Man Pardon me? Why?
I mean it's all windy stairs. I'm not being funny.
Overweight Man What exactly are you trying to say?
What exactly am I trying to say? You's are a bunch of ****in' elephants!
