Simon Skinner I'm sure if we bashed your head in, all sorts of secrets would come tumbling out...
Played by Timothy Dalton 
Hot Fuzz (2007) · 111 quotes
Hot Fuzz (2007) · 111 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Hot Fuzz (2007): in 16 of its 111 quotes
Most scenes with: Nicholas Angel (6), Inspector Frank Butterman (2), Dr. Robin Hatcher (2)
Absolute tosh, wasn't it? It's annoying that the understudies are actually professional actors. Greg over there was an extra in 'Straw Dogs' and Sheri portrayed a cadaver in 'Prime Suspect'.
More lines from Simon Skinner
8 quotes Simon Skinner Simon Skinner I simply spied you loitering in organic produce and assumed you had time on your hands.
Simon Skinner My, my, here come the Fuzz.
Simon Skinner Freeze! Or the ginger-nut gets it!
Simon Skinner That's the way the cookie crumbles.
Simon Skinner You know how it is. News travels fast around here.
Simon Skinner [taking a ginger-haired boy hostage]
Stay back! Or the ginger-nut gets it! [the child bites Skinner's hand and runs away] Ow! You little ****ER!
Simon Skinner [after tripping and impaling his chin on the spire of a model church]
Ooooow...Thith...really...hurtth.... I'm...going...to need thome...icee... creeeeeam....
Scenes with Simon Skinner
7 scenes Simon Skinner [taking a ginger-haired boy hostage]
Freeze! Or the ginger-nut gets it! [the child bites Skinner's hand and runs away] Ow! You little ****ER!
Simon Skinner Lock me up.
I'm sorry?
Simon Skinner I'm a slasher, and I must be stopped.
You're a what?
Simon Skinner A slasher... of prices! Ha ha ha, just kidding! I'm Simon Skinner, and I run the local Supermarche. Stop in and see me some time. My discounts are criminal! Catch me later!
[after arresting Peter Cocker for shoplifting, he takes him back to the station]
Impressive Collar. Shame Mr. Skinner doesn't wanna press charges.
What do you mean, he doesn't wanna press charges?
Simon Skinner [suddenly appears and starts offering the cookies that Peter stole to the police staff]
I'm simply suggesting that young Peter be given a second chance, before he becomes just another crime statistic. I'm sure he's going to learn a valuable lesson.
Stealing biscuits is... wrong?
Simon Skinner [offering him a cookie]
Correct.
And yet we respond by not taking a single punitive measure?
Simon Skinner [smiling with ill-concealed sarcasm]
Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles.
[chuckles childishly whilst scoffing a cookie]
It's like the biscuits, isn't it? [chuckles]
Mr. Skinner--
Is everything all right?
Well sir, Mr. Skinner feels that it would be better not to prosecute an individual who has committed a blatant offence.
[whilst eating dessert]
Leave this with me. I'll make sure everyone gets their just desserts.
Music Cue
Oh no!
Simon Skinner [over the walkie talkie]
Michael? Michael! Are you there? Micheal! Is everything okay?
Simon Skinner Sergeant Angel's been taken care of?
Yarp.
Simon Skinner He's not gonna get back up again?
Simon Skinner Good.
Simon Skinner You see, much as I enjoyed your wild theories Sergeant, the truth is far less complex. Blower's fate was simply the result of his being... an appalling actor.
You murdered him for that?
Simon Skinner He murdered Bill Shakespeare.
What? Oh.
Annette Roper Martin Blower was less concerned with the reputation of the village than he was with his sordid affair with Eve Draper!
So Eve deserved to die too?
Well, she did have a very annoying laugh.
George Merchant?
Simon Skinner He had an awful house.
Simon Skinner [Punching Angel with each word]
GET...OUT...OF MY...VILLAGE!!!
[Grabs Skinner's fist]
IT'S NOT YOUR VILLAGE ANYMORE!!! [Uppercuts him into a model building]
Now, quick announcement before we begin. Janet Barker has decided to call her boys Roger and Martin. And the christening will be a week on Saturday and we're all invited. Tom.
Tom Weaver Thanks, Joyce. Now, you'll all be delighted to hear that the tenacious Sergeant Angel has been taken care of. Joyce will discover the Sergeant lying on the wet floor of his bathroom, having slipped and tragically broken his neck. So, with the dispatch of the Sergeant, we will now be able to concentrate on the eradication of our hoodie infestation.
Simon Skinner Quite right.
Tom Weaver After which, nothing will stand in our way.
Oh, I beg to differ, Mister Weaver.
Tom Weaver Well, well, well, I see, we have visitors.
Sergeant Nicholas Angel. Sandford Police Service.
Simon Skinner My, he is tenacious isn't he?
[revealing himself to the NWA]
I'm arresting you under suspicion of conspiracy to commit murder.
Tom Weaver Oh come, come Sergeant!
You should be ashamed! Calling yourself "a community that cares"!
Oh, but we do care Nicholas!
It's all about the greater good!
NWA Members
[echoing in agreement]
The greater good...
How can this be for the greater good?
NWA Members
[echoing]
The greater good...
Simon Skinner You see, much as I enjoyed your wild theories, Sergeant, the truth is far less complex. Blower's fate was simply the result of his being... an appalling actor.
NWA Members
[echoing]
Appalling...
You murdered him for that?
Simon Skinner Well, he murdered Bill Shakespeare.
What? ...Oh.
James Reaper The dramatic society is an important feather in our cap.
We couldn't let Blower jeopardize that. Not when we had two semi-professionals waiting in the wings.
Simon Skinner Let's not forget that Greg was an extra in Straw Dogs and Sherry portrayed a cadaver in Prime Suspect.
Yes, I know!
Annette Roper Martin Blower was less concerned with the reputation of the village than he was with his sordid affair with Eve Draper!
And so Eve deserved to die too?
Well, she did have a very annoying laugh.
NWA Members
[echoing]
Annoying...
And George Merchant?
Simon Skinner He had an awful house.
NWA Members
[echoing]
Awful...
Roy Porter We begged him in vain to make his residence more in keeping with the village's rustic aesthetic.
And what about Tim Messenger? What was his crime?
Simon Skinner Tim Messenger's tenure as editor of the "Sandford Citizen" has been unbearable!
James Reaper Our once great paper had become riddled with tabloid journalism, not to mention persistent errors!
Roy Porter He listed her age as 55!
Mary Porter When actually I'm 53!
What about Leslie Tiller, one of your own? Her horticultural expertise helped put Sandford on the map!
Oh, she was ever so good.
Simon Skinner Cousin Leslie was a terrible shame...but it seems she was set on moving away.
Tom Weaver We couldn't have her sharing her green fingers with anyone else...
Not least those heathens at Buford Abbey!
If we can't have her, no one can.
How can this be for the greater good?
NWA Members
[echoing]
The greater good...
SHUT IT! These people died for no reason! No reason whatsoever!
I wouldn't say that. [Nicholas turns to see Frank dressed in the Policeman's uniform from the office at the station and is horrified] Hello Nicholas. I was like you once. I believed in the immutable word of the law, that is until the night Mrs. Butterman was taken from me. You see, no one loved Sandford more than her. She was head of the Women's Institute, chair of the Floral Committee. When they started the Village of the Year Contest, she worked around the clock. I'd never seen such dedication. On the eve of the adjudicator's arrival, some travelers moved into Calahoon Park, and before you could say 'gypsy scum' we were knee deep in dog muck, thieving kids and crusty jugglers.
NWA Members
[echoing]
Crusty jugglers...
We lost the title, and Irene lost her mind. She drove her Datsun Cherry into Sandford Gorge. From that moment on, I swore that I would do her proud and whatever the cost, we would make Sandford great again.
Sir, this doesn't make any sense.
The adjudicators arrive tomorrow. We had to get everything ready.
This is the Best Village, Nicholas. You've seen the people. They're happy. Contented.
They're living in a dream world!
Sergeant Popwell thought much the same as you. I'm disappointed you can't see the bigger picture.
Well I'm happy to disappoint you, sir! And I'm afraid you're going to have to come with me. You are all going to have to come with me.
No Nicholas, I'm afraid it is you who is going to have to come with us...
Other characters in Hot Fuzz
Nicholas Angel
Simon Pegg
Danny Butterman
Nick Frost
Inspector Frank Butterman
Jim Broadbent
DC Andy Cartwright
Rafe Spall
Sergeant Tony Fisher
Kevin Eldon
DS Andy Wainwright
Paddy Considine
Joyce Cooper
Billie Whitelaw
Met Sergeant
Martin Freeman
PC Doris Thatcher
Olivia Colman
Sgt. Turner
Bill Bailey
PC Bob Walker
Karl Johnson
Reverend Phillip Shooter
Paul Freeman
Dr. Robin Hatcher
Stuart Wilson
