DC Andy Cartwright quotes from Hot Fuzz (2007)

DC Andy Cartwright

You wanna be a big cop in a small town? **** off up the model village!

Nicholas Angel

I didn't mean to upset the apple cart.

Yeah, cause we all sell apples round here, don't we?

Danny Butterman

Your dad sells apples, Andy.

DC Andy Cartwright

And raspberries.

DS Andy Wainwright

I bet you can't wait to jump into Sergeant Popwell's grave.

Nicholas Angel

I'm not jumping into anyone's grave.

Nicholas Angel

You've got a moustache.

I know.

DC Andy Cartwright

Everybody and their mums is packin' round here.

Nicholas Angel

Like who?

DS Andy Wainwright

Farmers.

Nicholas Angel

Who else?

DC Andy Cartwright

Farmers' mums.

Nicholas Angel

Leslie Tiller was **** murdered!

DC Andy Cartwright

What, just like Tim Messenger?

Nicholas Angel

Yes!

DS Andy Wainwright

George Merchant?

Nicholas Angel

Yes!

DC Andy Cartwright

Eve Draper?

Nicholas Angel

Yes!

DS Andy Wainwright

Martin Blower?

Nicholas Angel

No, actually.

Really?

Nicholas Angel

'Course he **** was! [Danny puts money in the swear box] Thank you Danny!

DC Andy Cartwright

Murder, murder, murder. Change the ****in' record! [DS Wainwright puts money in the swear box] Thank you Andy.

Sergeant Tony Fisher

Come on Sergeant, you've gotta accept that it was just another nasty accident.

Nicholas Angel

What are you suggesting?! That Leslie Tiller tripped and fell on her own shears?

Ben Fletcher fell on his pitchfork the other week.

PC Doris Thatcher

Yeah, accidents happen all the time. What makes you think it was MURDER?

Nicholas Angel

BECAUSE I WAS THERE!!!

DS Andy Wainwright

There's a point. Why were you there?

Nicholas Angel

I was buying... Constable Butterman a Japanese peace lily for his birthday.

DC Andy Cartwright

What absolute 'orseshit!

Nicholas Angel

I chased a suspect from the scene! Innocent people don't run!

Maybe it was our ol' friend the Cactus Theif?

PC Doris Thatcher

Oh yeah, he was a prickly customer, weren't he? Ha ha!

Nicholas Angel

AM I GOING COMPLETELY MAD?!

DC Andy Cartwright

Maybe you are. Maybe you did it.

DS Andy Wainwright

Seeing how you're such a big fan of murder!

Nicholas Angel

WHAT THE F--

Frank Butterman

Sergeant Angel?

Nicholas Angel

YES! [calms down] Sir?

DC Andy Cartwright

We're just hoping to talk to the last people to see Mr. Merchant alive. Namely a Sergeant Nicolarse ass-wipe and ****stable Fanny Batterbomb.

Danny Butterman

Hey, that's us!

Nicholas Angel

What's the situation?

DC Andy Cartwright

Two blokes and a ****load of cutlery!

DC Andy Cartwright

Angel! Don't you go being a twat now!

Nicholas Angel

I wouldn't give you the satisfaction!

Roy, somebody call the police!

Inspector Frank Butterman

FREEZE! [the entire Sandford Police force storm into the pub] Officers, arrest this man. Danny, step away from the sergeant.

Danny Butterman

No, Dad.

Inspector Frank Butterman

Danny, you will do as you're told.

Danny Butterman

I'm not taking orders from you anymore!

Inspector Frank Butterman

Officers, arrest these men!

Nicholas Angel

Wait, wait! You can arrest us if you like, you can throw us in prison and go back to being blind, submissive slaves...or you can be real police officers and help us bring an end to this absurd story!

DC Andy Cartwright

What the **** is he on about?

DS Andy Wainwright

**** are you on about?

Nicholas Angel

Have you ever wondered why the crime rate in Sandford is so low, and yet the accident rate is so high?

Sergeant Tony Fisher

No. Yeah. What?

Nicholas Angel

You've been brainwashed, Tony. Brainwashed into naivety by an old man with a murderous obsession!

Inspector Frank Butterman

This is ridiculous!

Danny Butterman

No it's not, Dad. It's all very un-ridiculous, and it's only now that I'm starting to realize how un-ridiculous it all is!

Inspector Frank Butterman

SILENCE, DANNY! Think of your mother.

Danny Butterman

Mum is dead, Dad. And for the first time in my life, you know, I'm glad. If she could see what you've become, I think she'd probably kill herself all over again.

PC Doris Thatcher

Sorry, I am completely lost.

Nicholas Angel

Sandford is a lie, Doris! For the last twenty years, the village has been controlled by Frank and the NWA. They've lulled everyone into thinking this is a perfect village and killed anyone who's threatened to change that. [long pause]

I reckon he's got something there now.

Danny Butterman

He says he reckons you've got something there.

Nicholas Angel

I know.

Inspector Frank Butterman

You're not seriously going to believe this man, are you? ARE YOU?! HE ISN'T EVEN FROM ROUND HERE!

DS Andy Wainwright

Maybe...it's time to give it up, sir.

Inspector Frank Butterman

YOU INCOMPOTENT FLAT-FOOTS! [Frank shoots down the chandelier, using the confusion to make his escape]

Nicholas Angel

Officer Walker, stay here with Saxon and hold everything down.

Fair Enough

Nicholas Angel

Officers, let's go!

Danny Butterman

What about Dad?

Nicholas Angel

He'll come around again. Want anything from the shop?