Evan Baxter
[signing off for the last time]
I feel like that old Indian in front of all the garbage. So, for the last time, this is Evan Baxter for Eyewitness News. Goodnight.
Played by Steve Carell 
Evan Almighty (2007) · 31 quotes
Evan Almighty (2007) · 31 quotes
(to Long after the Ark crashes into Congress] Hello Congressman. Mind if I park my boat here?
More lines from Evan Baxter
9 quotes Evan Baxter
Evan Baxter
[after the Ark crashes into Congress) We can walk from here.
Evan Baxter
[Is using ancient tools to build the ark]
Ever heard of Home Depot!?
Evan Baxter
People, the flood is imminent! (nothing happens) IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A LITTLE PRECIPITATION!?
Evan Baxter
(two wolves growl at Long)
Don't look now Congressman but the wolves are here. Although I wouldn't worry so much about these wolves but those. (Evan gestures to the angry members of Congress standing behind Long)
Evan Baxter
SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!!!!!
Evan Baxter
(Joan and the kids have just left him)
I know, I know. Everything you do, you do because you love me. (A sprinkler blasts him in the face) Do me a favor; love me less!
Evan Baxter
[With his arms and staff outstretched to the looming Memorial Bridge, as the Ark is fast approaching it.]
I command thee halt! Stop! Woah! [Nothing happens] How about a little help here?! [Suddenly the whole right side of the Ark falls dark, as a massive wave four times the size and height of the Ark rises up and crashes down redirecting its path instantly down Capital Mall.]
Evan Baxter
And he wanted me to wear this robe because he thought it would be funny.
Scenes with Evan Baxter
14 scenes Evan Baxter
[Evan walks into the office with a beard]
Rita, it's me!
Rita Daniels
Why do you sound like Evan Baxter but look like a Bee Gee?
God
How do you change the world?
Evan
One single act of random kindness at a time.
God
[spoken while writing A-R-K on the ground with a stick]
One Act, of Random, Kindness.
Evan
(sees a truck in his yard delivering another unordered shipment)
Hey! Hey! Hey! (Pounds on window then runs outside) Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is going on?!
Mailman
I have a delivery for an Evan Baxter?
Evan
Uh, that's not mine. I didn't order that!
Mailman
I just deliver guy, okay? If you want to complain call our number. (gets into truck and the truck drives off without the shipment)
Evan
Hey wait! Listen! We're 4:16 not 6:14! You got the wrong house! YOU CAN'T LEAVE THAT THERE! (The mailman waves goodbye from the truck as it exits the driveway) LISTEN! LISTEN! THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A BROWN PATCH! I AM A U.S. CONGRESSMAN!!! (Glares after the truck)
God
I'm God.
Evan
You're God!?
God
Yes and I want you Evan Baxter to build an ark.
Evan
Okay this conversation is a little thing I'd like to call over but I have to get going because supposedly I have an ark to build. Nice to meet ya...(walks away)
Evan Baxter
[Evan is driving to work]
Okay that is over. I am successful, I am powerful, I am handsome, and I am happy. Successful, powerful, handsome- [Looks into rearview, and sees God in the back seat, having just appeared out of nowhere] Happy! [He screams]
God
[smiling]
Let it out, son. It's the beginning of wisdom.
Evan Baxter
How did you get in here?! D'ah, I'm calling the cops!
God
No wait. Look-look-look! There's one right there. [Points to a motorcycle cop on the shoulder. Evan rolls down his window]
Evan Baxter
Officer! Officer! Carjacker, carjacker in the car! Carjacker in the car! [The officer turns to face Evan and reveals that he is God]
God (as police officer)
Careful pulling out. Pedestrian in the crosswalk.
[Evan turns around. God has vanished. He looks and sees God everywhere - crossing the street, and in the car behind him, honking for him to move]
Marty
[Evan comes in with a beard and long hair]
Rita when Evan shows... [Sees Evan] Sorry sir I will be with you in just one moment...[Rita gestures to Evan; Marty gasps] Gah! Evan?!
Evan
In case you ask I am going through adult puberty. This is temporary...why did you summon me? What is so important?
Marty
What is so important?! I have a letter of intent here about Congressman Long's bill! You remember that? And now he wants you to sign this in person Evan!
Evan
I can't do it.
Marty
No you can't do it looking like that. You have to go shave!
Evan
I cannot shave Marty. If I shave it just grows back.
Marty
That's what happens when you shave...and then you shave AGAIN!!
Evan
[Frustrated]
You have no idea...
God
I remember creating this valley. Notice how the mountains lie from east to west.
Evan
Where are we?
God
Don't recognize, eh? This is where you live, son. This is Prestige Crest. I just wanted you to see the original design.
Evan
So, you're... really... HIM?
God
Want more proof? I haven't done the pillar of salt thing in a while.
Evan
No. No. I believe you. But why me?
God
You said you want to change the world. So do I.
Rita
You said God told you to do it. (build the Ark)
Evan
Yes.
Rita
But did God tell you to let your friends come down here and make them look stupid? Cuz I go to church every Sunday... Ok, every other Sunday... Alright, I've been to church and that does not sound like God to me!
Joan
How are we going to do this? There is no way the five of us can finish on time. We don't have any money to hire anyone else?
Joan
(A bleating behind her causes them all to look.)
Is that a llama with a hammer?
Jordan
An alpaca. They rarely spit at people, unless frightened or abused.
Evan
[Joan looks back to Evan in amazement] [Slinging a chord on rope over his shoulder]
Let's finish this sucker.
Evan
You knew it all along, didn't you? You knew the dam was unstable. If it hadn't been for the ark, my family, the neighbors... I fought you every step of the way.
God
Yes, but you did it.
Evan
So you had nothing to do with the flood? Like where the ark landed exactly?
God
I gave you a little shove at the end. Sue me.
God
You did good, son. You changed the world.
Evan
No. No I didn't.
God
Well lets see. Spending time with your family making them very happy. You gave that dog a home.
Evan
(walks in with his beard braided and his hair tied into a ponytail)
Marty. Sorry I am late. Come on let's go!
Marty
(disgustedly drops his phone)
What...is that!?
Evan
I am making lemonade out of lemons. Pick up your phone and let's go! (They walk into a meeting live on television. Rita looks in genuine disust)
Rita
Evan, what are you doing?! You have a ponytail on your face! Whattaya going to do next!? Cornroll your eyebrows?!
Evan
Do we have anything unleavened?
Joan
Yeah, we do. It's in the back, next to the frankincense and myrrh. We have a fancy name for it in this century. It's called pita.
Evan
Got it.
Joan
Evan, what is happening to you?(Evan is about to take a bite from the bread but Joan takes it from him)
Joan
Don't! No! Just put it down! Look at you! The hair? Are you on something? Is it a mega-growth hormon? What?(Evan remains silent)
Joan
Evan, talk to me(Evan takes a deep breath)
Evan
I'm building an ark.
Joan
What does that mean?
Evan
God appeared to me and told me to build an ark.He said it was going to be a flood and that I should be prepared.Whenever I shave, my beard grows right back out. My hair grows longer every day. This robe...(Joan now close to tears, looks worryingly at Evan in his robe)
Evan
God sent me the robe. He thought it would be funny.I actually think it's really comfortable, that's why I'm wearing it.
Joan
(slowly, trying to hide her worry)
The beard, the robe. You're Noah?
Evan
(slightly nodding)
Yeah, kind of.(Dylan walks into the room)
Dylan
Mom?
Joan
Not now, Noah! Dylan.
Dylan
Okay...(He leaves the room)(Joan looks back at Evan and takes a deep breath)
Joan
We left everything behind to come here. Maybe that's put to much pressure on you. I don't know. (Getting emotional) But this has got to stop! Please! You're scaring me. The boys need their father back and I need my husband back!
(She leaves the room in tears) (Evan takes a deep breath and sighs)
Evan
(Evan comes home after a disastrous Congress meeting)
Joan, I know you probably saw what happend but I can explain.(Evan sees his family standing in the hallway with packed bags).
Joan
Take this stuff to the car, guys. I'll be there in a minute.
Evan
Guys?(His sons says nothing as they walk past him. Dylan sadly regards his father)(Evan looks at his wife)
Joan
I'm gonna take them to my mothers. Evan, I think you need help.
Evan
(Pleading)
Joan, please. I'm not doing this it's not me, it's Him! I went to that meeting in a suit and He took it off of me. (Gesturing forwards the window) Those animals are following me because of Him.
Joan
God? Does God know that He is destroying our lives? Does God know that He is going to get you fired?
Evan
Yeah! He is trying to get me fired. (Realising) He is trying to get me fired. That way I'll have even more time to work on the ark!
Joan
Because the rain and the floods are coming. No, I heard you Evan. The whole world heard you! (She starts walking towards the door)
Evan
Joan, please. You gotta believe me. (At that moment rain stats splattering on the window)
Evan
There it is! It's happening! It's happening! It's raining! (He runs outside only to realise that it was only the sprinklers. Joan looks shocked at him)
Joan
Goodbye, Evan
(She drives off, taking their sons away)
God
I'm God.
Evan
You're God!?
God
Yes and I want you, Evan Baxter, to build an ark.
Evan
Okay, you know what, this conversation is a little thing I'd like to call, over. But, I gotta get to get going because frankly, I have an ark to build. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Nice meeting ya, take care.(walks away) Oh, and... (turns around to realize that God has vanished)
Evan Baxter
[Evan is driving to work]
Shake it off, Evan. It's over. The nutcase is gone. I am successful, I am powerful, I am handsome, and I am happy. Successful, powerful, handsome- [Looks into rear view mirror, and sees God in the back seat, having just appeared out of nowhere] Happy! [He screams]
