God quotes from Evan Almighty (2007)

God

I now issue a new commandment: "Thou shalt do the dance."

God

Tell you what. You build it and I'll fill it. Oh and you might need this. [Holds up a book titled "Ark Building for Dummies"]

God

I pledge allegiance to the flag under the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under me indivisible and liberty and justice for all.

God

How do you change the world?

Evan

One single act of random kindness at a time.

God

One Act, of Random, Kindness.

God

I'm God.

Evan

You're God!?

God

Yes and I want you Evan Baxter to build an ark.

Evan

Okay this conversation is a little thing I'd like to call over but I have to get going because supposedly I have an ark to build. Nice to meet ya...(walks away)

Evan Baxter

Okay that is over. I am successful, I am powerful, I am handsome, and I am happy. Successful, powerful, handsome- [Looks into rearview, and sees God in the back seat, having just appeared out of nowhere] Happy! [He screams]

God

Let it out, son. It's the beginning of wisdom.

Evan Baxter

How did you get in here?! D'ah, I'm calling the cops!

God

No wait. Look-look-look! There's one right there. [Points to a motorcycle cop on the shoulder. Evan rolls down his window]

Evan Baxter

Officer! Officer! Carjacker, carjacker in the car! Carjacker in the car! [The officer turns to face Evan and reveals that he is God]

God (as police officer)

Careful pulling out. Pedestrian in the crosswalk.
[Evan turns around. God has vanished. He looks and sees God everywhere - crossing the street, and in the car behind him, honking for him to move]

God

I remember creating this valley. Notice how the mountains lie from east to west.

Evan

Where are we?

God

Don't recognize, eh? This is where you live, son. This is Prestige Crest. I just wanted you to see the original design.

Evan

So, you're... really... HIM?

God

Want more proof? I haven't done the pillar of salt thing in a while.

Evan

No. No. I believe you. But why me?

God

You said you want to change the world. So do I.

God

I love that story, Noah and the Ark. You know, a lot of people miss the point of that story. They think it’s about God’s wrath and anger. They love it when God gets angry.

Joan

What is the story about, then? The ark?

God

Well, I think it’s a love story about believing in each other. You know, the animals showed up in pairs. They stood by each other, side by side, just like Noah and his family. Everybody entered the ark side by side.

Joan

But my husband says God told him to do it. What do you do with that?

God

Sounds like an opportunity. Let me ask you something. If one prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If one prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other? Well, I got to run. A lot of people to serve. Enjoy. (Waves his arm and as he leaves Joan looks in shock to see her plate refilled without God having to leave and fill it)

Evan

You knew it all along, didn't you? You knew the dam was unstable. If it hadn't been for the ark, my family, the neighbors... I fought you every step of the way.

God

Yes, but you did it.

Evan

So you had nothing to do with the flood? Like where the ark landed exactly?

God

I gave you a little shove at the end. Sue me.

God

You did good, son. You changed the world.

Evan

No. No I didn't.

God

Well lets see. Spending time with your family making them very happy. You gave that dog a home.

God

I'm God.

Evan

You're God!?

God

Yes and I want you, Evan Baxter, to build an ark.

Evan

Okay, you know what, this conversation is a little thing I'd like to call, over. But, I gotta get to get going because frankly, I have an ark to build. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Nice meeting ya, take care.(walks away) Oh, and... (turns around to realize that God has vanished)