Evan Almighty 2007 quotes

Evan

Joan, I know you probably saw what happend but I can explain.(Evan sees his family standing in the hallway with packed bags).

Joan

Take this stuff to the car, guys. I'll be there in a minute.

Evan

Guys?(His sons says nothing as they walk past him. Dylan sadly regards his father)(Evan looks at his wife)

Joan

I'm gonna take them to my mothers. Evan, I think you need help.

Evan

Joan, please. I'm not doing this it's not me, it's Him! I went to that meeting in a suit and He took it off of me. (Gesturing forwards the window) Those animals are following me because of Him.

Joan

God? Does God know that He is destroying our lives? Does God know that He is going to get you fired?

Evan

Yeah! He is trying to get me fired. (Realising) He is trying to get me fired. That way I'll have even more time to work on the ark!

Joan

Because the rain and the floods are coming. No, I heard you Evan. The whole world heard you! (She starts walking towards the door)

Evan

Joan, please. You gotta believe me. (At that moment rain stats splattering on the window)

Evan

There it is! It's happening! It's happening! It's raining! (He runs outside only to realise that it was only the sprinklers. Joan looks shocked at him)

Joan

Goodbye, Evan
(She drives off, taking their sons away)

Evan

Marty. Sorry I am late. Come on let's go!

Marty

What...is that!?

Evan

I am making lemonade out of lemons. Pick up your phone and let's go! (They walk into a meeting live on television. Rita looks in genuine disust)

Rita

Evan, what are you doing?! You have a ponytail on your face! Whattaya going to do next!? Cornroll your eyebrows?!

Evan

Hey! Hey! Hey! (Pounds on window then runs outside) Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is going on?!

Mailman

I have a delivery for an Evan Baxter?

Evan

Uh, that's not mine. I didn't order that!

Mailman

I just deliver guy, okay? If you want to complain call our number. (gets into truck and the truck drives off without the shipment)

Evan

Hey wait! Listen! We're 4:16 not 6:14! You got the wrong house! YOU CAN'T LEAVE THAT THERE! (The mailman waves goodbye from the truck as it exits the driveway) LISTEN! LISTEN! THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A BROWN PATCH! I AM A U.S. CONGRESSMAN!!! (Glares after the truck)

Evan

Do we have anything unleavened?

Joan

Yeah, we do. It's in the back, next to the frankincense and myrrh. We have a fancy name for it in this century. It's called pita.

Evan

Got it.

Joan

Evan, what is happening to you?(Evan is about to take a bite from the bread but Joan takes it from him)

Joan

Don't! No! Just put it down! Look at you! The hair? Are you on something? Is it a mega-growth hormon? What?(Evan remains silent)

Joan

Evan, talk to me(Evan takes a deep breath)

Evan

I'm building an ark.

Joan

What does that mean?

Evan

God appeared to me and told me to build an ark.He said it was going to be a flood and that I should be prepared.Whenever I shave, my beard grows right back out. My hair grows longer every day. This robe...(Joan now close to tears, looks worryingly at Evan in his robe)

Evan

God sent me the robe. He thought it would be funny.I actually think it's really comfortable, that's why I'm wearing it.

Joan

The beard, the robe. You're Noah?

Evan

Yeah, kind of.(Dylan walks into the room)

Dylan

Mom?

Joan

Not now, Noah! Dylan.

Dylan

Okay...(He leaves the room)(Joan looks back at Evan and takes a deep breath)

Joan

We left everything behind to come here. Maybe that's put to much pressure on you. I don't know. (Getting emotional) But this has got to stop! Please! You're scaring me. The boys need their father back and I need my husband back!
(She leaves the room in tears) (Evan takes a deep breath and sighs)

Evan

You knew it all along, didn't you? You knew the dam was unstable. If it hadn't been for the ark, my family, the neighbors... I fought you every step of the way.

God

Yes, but you did it.

Evan

So you had nothing to do with the flood? Like where the ark landed exactly?

God

I gave you a little shove at the end. Sue me.

God

You did good, son. You changed the world.

Evan

No. No I didn't.

God

Well lets see. Spending time with your family making them very happy. You gave that dog a home.

God

I love that story, Noah and the Ark. You know, a lot of people miss the point of that story. They think it’s about God’s wrath and anger. They love it when God gets angry.

Joan

What is the story about, then? The ark?

God

Well, I think it’s a love story about believing in each other. You know, the animals showed up in pairs. They stood by each other, side by side, just like Noah and his family. Everybody entered the ark side by side.

Joan

But my husband says God told him to do it. What do you do with that?

God

Sounds like an opportunity. Let me ask you something. If one prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If one prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other? Well, I got to run. A lot of people to serve. Enjoy. (Waves his arm and as he leaves Joan looks in shock to see her plate refilled without God having to leave and fill it)

God

How do you change the world?

Evan

One single act of random kindness at a time.

God

One Act, of Random, Kindness.

God

I remember creating this valley. Notice how the mountains lie from east to west.

Evan

Where are we?

God

Don't recognize, eh? This is where you live, son. This is Prestige Crest. I just wanted you to see the original design.

Evan

So, you're... really... HIM?

God

Want more proof? I haven't done the pillar of salt thing in a while.

Evan

No. No. I believe you. But why me?

God

You said you want to change the world. So do I.

God

I'm God.

Evan

You're God!?

God

Yes and I want you Evan Baxter to build an ark.

Evan

Okay this conversation is a little thing I'd like to call over but I have to get going because supposedly I have an ark to build. Nice to meet ya...(walks away)

Evan Baxter

Okay that is over. I am successful, I am powerful, I am handsome, and I am happy. Successful, powerful, handsome- [Looks into rearview, and sees God in the back seat, having just appeared out of nowhere] Happy! [He screams]

God

Let it out, son. It's the beginning of wisdom.

Evan Baxter

How did you get in here?! D'ah, I'm calling the cops!

God

No wait. Look-look-look! There's one right there. [Points to a motorcycle cop on the shoulder. Evan rolls down his window]

Evan Baxter

Officer! Officer! Carjacker, carjacker in the car! Carjacker in the car! [The officer turns to face Evan and reveals that he is God]

God (as police officer)

Careful pulling out. Pedestrian in the crosswalk.
[Evan turns around. God has vanished. He looks and sees God everywhere - crossing the street, and in the car behind him, honking for him to move]

Joan

How are we going to do this? There is no way the five of us can finish on time. We don't have any money to hire anyone else?

Joan

Is that a llama with a hammer?

An alpaca. They rarely spit at people, unless frightened or abused.

Evan

Let's finish this sucker.

Rita

You said God told you to do it. (build the Ark)

Evan

Yes.

Rita

But did God tell you to let your friends come down here and make them look stupid? Cuz I go to church every Sunday... Ok, every other Sunday... Alright, I've been to church and that does not sound like God to me!

This was it Baxter?

Is your god experiencing a slight water shortage?

It would seem that Congressman Baxter was correct about the rain, with a slight miscalculation as to the quantity.

Marty

Rita when Evan shows... [Sees Evan] Sorry sir I will be with you in just one moment...[Rita gestures to Evan; Marty gasps] Gah! Evan?!

Evan

In case you ask I am going through adult puberty. This is temporary...why did you summon me? What is so important?

Marty

What is so important?! I have a letter of intent here about Congressman Long's bill! You remember that? And now he wants you to sign this in person Evan!

Evan

I can't do it.

Marty

No you can't do it looking like that. You have to go shave!

Evan

I cannot shave Marty. If I shave it just grows back.

Marty

That's what happens when you shave...and then you shave AGAIN!!

Evan

You have no idea...

Evan Baxter

Rita, it's me!

Rita Daniels

Why do you sound like Evan Baxter but look like a Bee Gee?

God

I'm God.

Evan

You're God!?

God

Yes and I want you, Evan Baxter, to build an ark.

Evan

Okay, you know what, this conversation is a little thing I'd like to call, over. But, I gotta get to get going because frankly, I have an ark to build. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Nice meeting ya, take care.(walks away) Oh, and... (turns around to realize that God has vanished)