Willie I said, "Next," goddamn it! This is not the DMV!
Most-quoted character in Bad Santa (2003): in 27 of its 32 quotes
Most scenes with: Marcus (10), Bob Chipeska (2)
Things are **** up at the North Pole. Mrs. Claus caught me **** her sister, now I'm out on my ass.
More lines from Willie
11 quotes Willie Willie I'm not your **** Da-Da.
Willie Willie: It's Christmas and the kid's gettin' his ****in' present.
Willie OW! Watch the toenails, kid. Shit!
Willie I'm an eating drinking shiting **** Santa Clause.
Willie [narrating]
I've been to prison once. I've been married twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out, and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this. If I'd known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats pissing on my lap for days out of the year, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Come to think of it, I still might.
Willie [while having sex]
Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! You ain't gonna shit right for a WEEK!
Willie [to Thurman]
Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no **** gorilla. And I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did? He kicked my ass. You know why? It's because he was a mean, drunk son of a bitch. And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've gotta take what you need when you can get it. You've gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You gonna have to quit being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something...or don't. Shit. I don't care. Just leave me the hell out of it.
Willie Wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first.
Willie [to Thurman]
Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did, or 'Santa's Little Helper' would have plugged his ass. And now the cops know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass out of jail. That, plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more **** up than Rodney King. Cops are treating me like **** royalty, which is new in my experience. They're making me a sensitivity counselor so that tragedies like this would never again embarrass the department. Meanwhile, I told the cops that you had no one to take the **** care of you. So they set it up with Mrs. Santa's sister until your dad gets out in one year and three months. They made her a guardian pro-temp. As for my little helper, I'm sorry to tell you that he and his prune faced, mail order wife are going to be exploring mountains with your dad. I just hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit from them like I did.
Willie [in a letter to Thurman]
Dear Kid, I hope that you got my present and that there wasn't too much blood on it, although there was blood on the presents you gave me, which didn't keep me from enjoying it, so maybe the blood doesn't matter so much, I guess. Just in case they took it as evidence, I'm also sending you a T-shirt. I hope it's the right size. I'm healing up good and they tell me that I will soon be 100%, even with eight bullets dug out of me cause they didn't hit any vital organs, just my liver, which is **** anyway. Hahaha. Anyways, I told the cops you had no one to take the **** care of you so they set it up with Ms. Santa's Sister to watch you 'til your dad gets back in one year and three months. They made her a guardian pro tem, or some such shit. Anyway, she makes better money than bartending and seems to like you, your house, and Jacuzzi. As for my little helper, I'm sorry to tell you that him and his prune-faced, mail-order wife are gonna be exploring mountains with your dad. I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit for them like I did. Thank you for giving that letter to the cops, I forgot to ask you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass, and now the cops know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass outta jail. That plus everyone agreeing that to Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more **** up than Rodney King. Cops are treating me like **** royalty now, which is new in my experience. They're gonna make me the sensitivity counselor, so that tragedies like this will never again embarrass the whole **** department. Whatever. So I'll be staying in Phoenix now, telling the police how screwed up they are, which is not a bad job as jobs go. They're supposed to let me out of this hospital room soon, so I'll see you when I come over and **** Ms. Santa's Sister in the jacuzzi. Until then, don't take no shit from nobody, least of all, yourself. Anyway, see you soon. Santa.
Scenes with Willie
15 scenes
More booze, more bullshit, more butt-****
Willie Sure, the 3 B's.
Kid Should I fix you some sandwiches?
Willie I don't want any **** sandwiches. What is it with you and fixin' **** sandwiches?
Hindustani Troublemaker I am not gay!
Willie What the hell, buddy?
Hindustani Troublemaker Buddy? I said I am not gay!
Willie Are you off your **** meds or something?
Hindustani Troublemaker Yes. But that isn't what this is about. You're as **** as a ten dollar bill.
Willie Let me tell you something, mother****er. My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you ****ers in Vietnam. So I want you to look at me. I want you to look at my face one last **** time. This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I...
Hindustani Troublemaker [grabs Willie and pins him against the car]
Elf ****er! Mother****er. Elf ****er! Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Faggy Claus! Faggy...
Kid Leave Santa alone!
Hindustani Troublemaker Little boy, don't interfere. I am doing this for all of us.
Kid Leave Santa alone!
Hindustani Troublemaker [Willie pulls free. Hindustani Troublemaker turns to leave]
Ass clown.
Willie You can't drink worth a ****.
I weigh ninety-two pounds you dick!
[Chipeska is seen arguing with a man who had been the Chamberlain's Santa for years.]
Harrison, will you let me explain, please? Financially--
Fired Santa
Well, you get what you paid for, Chipeska. Five Christmases I've been here, and no what. Now you flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts and happens to work with a real midget. Well, let me tell you something, though: nobody cares! Nobody comes for the elf. Santa's main attraction. I do Burl Ives songs. Does this schmoe even play guitar?
Look, Harrison, it's not about the money or the midget. Believe me, if it was-- I don't think they like midget. I think you're supposed to call them--
Fired Santa
Oh, just forget it! [Walks away as Willie and Marcus enters the store, then yells to them] Hacks!
Thanks. You know, we've been at this for a long time and all, so we like to think we do a good job.
I'm so glad you two can come at such a short notice. You two are perfect for this job, truly.
[Willie drones out the conversation between Bob and Marcus, eyeing a woman's ass as she walks]
So, I don't want his unpleasantness affect your performance in any way.
Oh, no, we--
Willie Performance?
Yes. Your performance. You know, the...
Willie Performance, like, sexual?
Willie.
Willie Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? Is that what you're saying to me?
I'm sorry, your gear?
Willie...
Willie My **** stick!
[Bob makes a shocked and disgusted look, Marcus quickly saves the situation by shoving Willie]
Willie, take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is.
He's not going to say "**** stick" in front of the children, is he?
No! It was just a joke. An adult joke for us adults. It's a joke. Just a joke.
It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.
Willie That's right. I forgot to take my pill.
It's not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate...
Willie Fornicate?
Yes, with a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?
Willie Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.
Yes... Well, even still, I think it's best for all parties considered if we...
If we what?
Well, I have somebody else interested in the position.
Willie Before you do something stupid, you might want to think about this shit.
What are you talking about?
Willie I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little mother****ers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?
Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.
Willie You people? Did you hear that Marcus? He said "you people".
Who the hell is "us people"?
No...he said...I...you don't under-- what? No, no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.
Willie Good thinking. And don't worry about us. We'll be fine. Let's get the hell out of here, Marcus.
Willie [Willie and Marcus get up to leave, with Marcus taking a candy cane from a cup, as Willie turns back to Bob]
You're pathetic.
Willie, this has been a long time coming. Every year, you're worse. Every year, you're less reliable. More booze, more bullshit, more butt-****.
Willie Sure, the three B's.
We split the dough right down the middle. Any merchendise you take, I get to look at and cherry pick.
No. Money is one thing but you ain't getting the sh...
This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell YOU how it's gonna be. This is pricks fix!
Willie [Exits]
Pricks fix?
Ah, he's a **** moron.
Willie Oh really? Is that how you got the upper hand?
**** you.
Willie Negotiating?
You don't like it? Next year, **** off. I can always get another box jockey.
Willie Yeah and I can get another midget too.
Yeah? Where? You see us hanging off of **** trees like **** crab apples?
Sue You're pretty regular for a Santa.
Willie It's not that much of a big **** deal. It's just a job, you know what I mean? I'm just an eating, drinking, shitting, **** Santy Claus.
Sue Prove it.
Sue [cut to Willie and Sue having casual sex in Willie's car, with Willie still wearing his Santa uniform]
**** me, Santa. **** me, Santa. **** me, Santa. **** me, Santa. **** me, Santa. **** me, Santa. **** me, Santa. **** me, Santa!
Willie Can't I at least take this hat off?
Sue NO! I love the hat.
Willie Okay.
Sue I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn't notice. It's like some deep-seeded childhood thing.
Willie So is my thing for tits.
[Marcus is scolding Willie for dry-humping an underage lady in the arcade]
That's just the kinda shit that's gonna get us pinched.
Willie She said she was 18.
But you promised no arcades! You said you'd only hustle Big and Tall.
Willie What, you shat me outta your womb? You're my **** mom now? I don't need any goddamn lectures outta you. I know how to keep a low profile, thank you. [unlocks the stolen BMW]
Willie Mind your own goddamn business. [opens the driver's side door, and several empty beer bottles and cans spill out onto the ground. Willie gets in, starts the car and drives off]
You **** her?
Willie Jesus Christ! Is everything **** sex with you?
With me? I **** one person. I ain't out there serially fornicatin', trying to float my liver drinkin' myself silly cause I can't stand what a piece of shit I am.
Willie What are you? Sigmund "Sawed Off" ****in' Freud?
Yeah, that's right, shit for brains. Go ahead, talk about my height. Make it about something safe cause you're an emotional ****in' cripple. Your soul is dogshit. Every single ****in' thing about you is ugly.
Woman in Food Court
Look who's here, Jimmy! It's Santa!
Willie [mutters to himself]
Great. **** great.
Woman in Food Court
Let's tell him what you want for Christmas.
Willie [turns to the woman and son]
I'M ON MY **** LUNCH BREAK, OKAY?!
Woman in Food Court
[offended]
Are you insane? Management's gonna hear about this.
Willie Think that's a threat? You really think you can make my **** life any worse, you go right ahead. Be my **** guest. Take a shot.
Willie [upon seeing the safe]
Oh shit.
What? What?
Willie It's a Kintnerboy Redoubt.
So?
Willie Remember Andy Pitz?
Andy Pitzerelli, yeah.
Willie No, Andy Repitski. Andy Pitzerelli was Andy Blue Balls.
Since he got married they called him Andy Pitzerelli. What's your **** point?
Willie Well they say he can get into anything. Anything. They say he's been in Margaret Thatcher's pussy.
And that's a good thing? So what the **** are you getting at?
Willie When I was in the joint with him, he told me the Kintnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked.
Are you shitting me? Are you telling me that after I propped you up, held you together, smiled for all those kids, danced for all those ****in' housewives in a **** lime green **** velvet elf costume, that you cannot crack this **** safe? Is that what you telling me?
Willie No, I'm just saying it's gonna take a minute.
Willie You know, I think I've turned a corner.
Yeah? You **** petites now?
Willie No, I'm not talking about that. I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno. Like I accomplished something.
You need many years of therapy. Many, many, many ****in' years of therapy.
Other characters in Bad Santa
More Billy Bob Thornton characters
Karl Childers
Ed Crane
Hank Grotowski
Coach Gary Gaines
Dan Truman
Jacob Mitchell
Johnny Tyler
General Hollanek