Marcus Jesus Christ! Can you maybe at least keep it together for just 10 minutes?
Played by Tony Cox 
Bad Santa (2003) · 32 quotes
Bad Santa (2003) · 32 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Bad Santa (2003): in 13 of its 32 quotes
Most scenes with: Willie (10), Gin (2), Bob Chipeska (2)
You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot-eatin' shit that has every slid from a human being's hairy ass.
More lines from Marcus
1 quote Marcus Scenes with Marcus
11 scenes Marcus More booze, more bullshit, more butt-****
Sure, the 3 B's.
You can't drink worth a ****.
Marcus I weigh ninety-two pounds you dick!
[Chipeska is seen arguing with a man who had been the Chamberlain's Santa for years.]
Harrison, will you let me explain, please? Financially--
Fired Santa
Well, you get what you paid for, Chipeska. Five Christmases I've been here, and no what. Now you flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts and happens to work with a real midget. Well, let me tell you something, though: nobody cares! Nobody comes for the elf. Santa's main attraction. I do Burl Ives songs. Does this schmoe even play guitar?
Look, Harrison, it's not about the money or the midget. Believe me, if it was-- I don't think they like midget. I think you're supposed to call them--
Fired Santa
Oh, just forget it! [Walks away as Willie and Marcus enters the store, then yells to them] Hacks!
Marcus Thanks. You know, we've been at this for a long time and all, so we like to think we do a good job.
I'm so glad you two can come at such a short notice. You two are perfect for this job, truly.
[Willie drones out the conversation between Bob and Marcus, eyeing a woman's ass as she walks]
So, I don't want his unpleasantness affect your performance in any way.
Marcus Oh, no, we--
Performance?
Yes. Your performance. You know, the...
Performance, like, sexual?
Marcus Willie.
Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? Is that what you're saying to me?
I'm sorry, your gear?
Marcus Willie...
My **** stick!
Marcus [Bob makes a shocked and disgusted look, Marcus quickly saves the situation by shoving Willie]
Willie, take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is.
He's not going to say "**** stick" in front of the children, is he?
Marcus No! It was just a joke. An adult joke for us adults. It's a joke. Just a joke.
Marcus It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.
That's right. I forgot to take my pill.
It's not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate...
Fornicate?
Yes, with a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?
Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.
Yes... Well, even still, I think it's best for all parties considered if we...
Marcus If we what?
Well, I have somebody else interested in the position.
Before you do something stupid, you might want to think about this shit.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little mother****ers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?
Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.
You people? Did you hear that Marcus? He said "you people".
Marcus Who the hell is "us people"?
No...he said...I...you don't under-- what? No, no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.
Good thinking. And don't worry about us. We'll be fine. Let's get the hell out of here, Marcus.
[Willie and Marcus get up to leave, with Marcus taking a candy cane from a cup, as Willie turns back to Bob]
You're pathetic.
Marcus Willie, this has been a long time coming. Every year, you're worse. Every year, you're less reliable. More booze, more bullshit, more butt-****.
Sure, the three B's.
We split the dough right down the middle. Any merchendise you take, I get to look at and cherry pick.
Marcus No. Money is one thing but you ain't getting the sh...
This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell YOU how it's gonna be. This is pricks fix!
Marcus Ah, he's a **** moron.
Oh really? Is that how you got the upper hand?
Marcus **** you.
Negotiating?
Marcus You don't like it? Next year, **** off. I can always get another box jockey.
Yeah and I can get another midget too.
Marcus Yeah? Where? You see us hanging off of **** trees like **** crab apples?
Marcus [Marcus is scolding Willie for dry-humping an underage lady in the arcade]
That's just the kinda shit that's gonna get us pinched.
She said she was 18.
Marcus But you promised no arcades! You said you'd only hustle Big and Tall.
What, you shat me outta your womb? You're my **** mom now? I don't need any goddamn lectures outta you. I know how to keep a low profile, thank you. [unlocks the stolen BMW]
Marcus [referring to the car]
What the **** is this, Mr. Low Profile?!
Mind your own goddamn business. [opens the driver's side door, and several empty beer bottles and cans spill out onto the ground. Willie gets in, starts the car and drives off]
Marcus [shouting after Willie]
Ever hear of the open-bottle law?!
Marcus You **** her?
Jesus Christ! Is everything **** sex with you?
Marcus With me? I **** one person. I ain't out there serially fornicatin', trying to float my liver drinkin' myself silly cause I can't stand what a piece of shit I am.
What are you? Sigmund "Sawed Off" ****in' Freud?
Marcus Yeah, that's right, shit for brains. Go ahead, talk about my height. Make it about something safe cause you're an emotional ****in' cripple. Your soul is dogshit. Every single ****in' thing about you is ugly.
[Willie has just passed out]
Look here, get him outta here and I'll go smooth things over with Chipeska. Tell him it was food poisoning or something.
Marcus What do you mean, get him outta here?
Take him to the car.
Marcus In case you didn't notice, I'm a mother**** dwarf. So unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand, hmm?
That figures. You want all kind of set-asides. Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped. You're all the same.
Marcus Special treatment?! I'm three-foot **** tall, you asshole! It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?
Bitch, bitch, bitch! [picks up Willie]
Marcus Sketch it up, you **** moron. **** Leonardo da Vinci.
Marcus I called you a **** guinea homo from the 15th-****-century, you dickhead!
I could stick you up my ass, small fry!
Marcus Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night?
You got some lip on you, midget.
Marcus Yeah? Well, these lips were on your wife's pussy last night. Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while? Asshole!
Marcus What? What?
It's a Kintnerboy Redoubt.
Marcus So?
Remember Andy Pitz?
Marcus Andy Pitzerelli, yeah.
No, Andy Repitski. Andy Pitzerelli was Andy Blue Balls.
Marcus Since he got married they called him Andy Pitzerelli. What's your **** point?
Well they say he can get into anything. Anything. They say he's been in Margaret Thatcher's pussy.
Marcus And that's a good thing? So what the **** are you getting at?
When I was in the joint with him, he told me the Kintnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked.
Marcus Are you shitting me? Are you telling me that after I propped you up, held you together, smiled for all those kids, danced for all those ****in' housewives in a **** lime green **** velvet elf costume, that you cannot crack this **** safe? Is that what you telling me?
No, I'm just saying it's gonna take a minute.
You know, I think I've turned a corner.
Marcus Yeah? You **** petites now?
No, I'm not talking about that. I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno. Like I accomplished something.
Marcus You need many years of therapy. Many, many, many ****in' years of therapy.
