Yeah, I know it's odd, but as our security manager, I want you to be well aware of this. His little friend promised he won't say it in front of the children, which is fine. There is an adult's world and a child's world, and that's OK. I'm no censor.
Willie
Billy Bob Thornton · 27 quotes
Marcus
Tony Cox · 13 quotes
Gin
Bernie Mac · 4 quotes
Bob Chipeska
John Ritter · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Willie & Marcus (10), Willie & Bob Chipeska (2), Marcus & Gin (2)
Bad Santa quotes
Page 1 of 3We split the dough right down the middle. Any merchendise you take, I get to look at and cherry pick.
No. Money is one thing but you ain't getting the sh...
This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell YOU how it's gonna be. This is pricks fix!
Ah, he's a **** moron.
Oh really? Is that how you got the upper hand?
**** you.
Negotiating?
You don't like it? Next year, **** off. I can always get another box jockey.
Yeah and I can get another midget too.
Yeah? Where? You see us hanging off of **** trees like **** crab apples?
Hindustani Troublemaker I am not gay!
What the hell, buddy?
Hindustani Troublemaker Buddy? I said I am not gay!
Are you off your **** meds or something?
Hindustani Troublemaker Yes. But that isn't what this is about. You're as **** as a ten dollar bill.
Let me tell you something, mother****er. My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you ****ers in Vietnam. So I want you to look at me. I want you to look at my face one last **** time. This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I...
Hindustani Troublemaker [grabs Willie and pins him against the car]
Elf ****er! Mother****er. Elf ****er! Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Faggy Claus! Faggy...
Kid Leave Santa alone!
Hindustani Troublemaker Little boy, don't interfere. I am doing this for all of us.
Kid Leave Santa alone!
Hindustani Troublemaker [Willie pulls free. Hindustani Troublemaker turns to leave]
Ass clown.
Kid Should I fix you some sandwiches?
I don't want any **** sandwiches. What is it with you and fixin' **** sandwiches?
It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.
That's right. I forgot to take my pill.
It's not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate...
Fornicate?
Yes, with a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?
Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.
Yes... Well, even still, I think it's best for all parties considered if we...
If we what?
Well, I have somebody else interested in the position.
Before you do something stupid, you might want to think about this shit.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little mother****ers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?
Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.
You people? Did you hear that Marcus? He said "you people".
Who the hell is "us people"?
No...he said...I...you don't under-- what? No, no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.
Good thinking. And don't worry about us. We'll be fine. Let's get the hell out of here, Marcus.
[Willie and Marcus get up to leave, with Marcus taking a candy cane from a cup, as Willie turns back to Bob]
You're pathetic.
More booze, more bullshit, more butt-****
Sure, the 3 B's.
Willie, this has been a long time coming. Every year, you're worse. Every year, you're less reliable. More booze, more bullshit, more butt-****.
Sure, the three B's.
You **** her?
Jesus Christ! Is everything **** sex with you?
With me? I **** one person. I ain't out there serially fornicatin', trying to float my liver drinkin' myself silly cause I can't stand what a piece of shit I am.
What are you? Sigmund "Sawed Off" ****in' Freud?
Yeah, that's right, shit for brains. Go ahead, talk about my height. Make it about something safe cause you're an emotional ****in' cripple. Your soul is dogshit. Every single ****in' thing about you is ugly.
Sue I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn't notice. It's like some deep-seeded childhood thing.
So is my thing for tits.
Sue You're pretty regular for a Santa.
It's not that much of a big **** deal. It's just a job, you know what I mean? I'm just an eating, drinking, shitting, **** Santy Claus.
Sue Prove it.
Sue [cut to Willie and Sue having casual sex in Willie's car, with Willie still wearing his Santa uniform]
**** me, Santa. **** me, Santa. **** me, Santa. **** me, Santa. **** me, Santa. **** me, Santa. **** me, Santa. **** me, Santa!
Can't I at least take this hat off?
Sue NO! I love the hat.
Okay.
What? What?
It's a Kintnerboy Redoubt.
So?
Remember Andy Pitz?
Andy Pitzerelli, yeah.
No, Andy Repitski. Andy Pitzerelli was Andy Blue Balls.
Since he got married they called him Andy Pitzerelli. What's your **** point?
Well they say he can get into anything. Anything. They say he's been in Margaret Thatcher's pussy.
And that's a good thing? So what the **** are you getting at?
When I was in the joint with him, he told me the Kintnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked.
Are you shitting me? Are you telling me that after I propped you up, held you together, smiled for all those kids, danced for all those ****in' housewives in a **** lime green **** velvet elf costume, that you cannot crack this **** safe? Is that what you telling me?
No, I'm just saying it's gonna take a minute.
You can't drink worth a ****.
I weigh ninety-two pounds you dick!
You know, I think I've turned a corner.
Yeah? You **** petites now?
No, I'm not talking about that. I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno. Like I accomplished something.
You need many years of therapy. Many, many, many ****in' years of therapy.
Woman in Food Court
Look who's here, Jimmy! It's Santa!
Woman in Food Court
Let's tell him what you want for Christmas.
Woman in Food Court
[offended]
Are you insane? Management's gonna hear about this.
Think that's a threat? You really think you can make my **** life any worse, you go right ahead. Be my **** guest. Take a shot.
[Chipeska is seen arguing with a man who had been the Chamberlain's Santa for years.]
Harrison, will you let me explain, please? Financially--
Fired Santa
Well, you get what you paid for, Chipeska. Five Christmases I've been here, and no what. Now you flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts and happens to work with a real midget. Well, let me tell you something, though: nobody cares! Nobody comes for the elf. Santa's main attraction. I do Burl Ives songs. Does this schmoe even play guitar?
Look, Harrison, it's not about the money or the midget. Believe me, if it was-- I don't think they like midget. I think you're supposed to call them--
Fired Santa
Oh, just forget it! [Walks away as Willie and Marcus enters the store, then yells to them] Hacks!
Thanks. You know, we've been at this for a long time and all, so we like to think we do a good job.
I'm so glad you two can come at such a short notice. You two are perfect for this job, truly.
[Willie drones out the conversation between Bob and Marcus, eyeing a woman's ass as she walks]
So, I don't want his unpleasantness affect your performance in any way.
Oh, no, we--
Performance?
Yes. Your performance. You know, the...
Performance, like, sexual?
Willie.
Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? Is that what you're saying to me?
I'm sorry, your gear?
Willie...
My **** stick!
[Bob makes a shocked and disgusted look, Marcus quickly saves the situation by shoving Willie]
Willie, take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is.
He's not going to say "**** stick" in front of the children, is he?
No! It was just a joke. An adult joke for us adults. It's a joke. Just a joke.