3rd most-quoted character in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997): in 11 of its 99 quotes
Most scenes with: Austin Powers (10)
Mr. Powers, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.
What's your point, Vanessa?
That's Dr. Evil's cat!
How can you tell?
I never forget a pussy... cat.
Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about Miss Fagina. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.
No, don't be sorry, baby. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her.
What?
I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!
Did you at least use protection ?
Of course. I had my 9mm automatic.
You know I meant, did you use a condom?
No, only sailors wear condoms baby.
Not in the '90s Austin.
Well they should, those filthy beggars. They go from port to port.
No.
That's not the way to get ahead in life.
No.
It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.
Hmm.
He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
Okay, that'll do.
Okay.
That's you in a nutshell.
No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?"
Thirty years of political and social upheaval. The fall of the Berlin Wall, a female Prime Minister of England, the abolishment of apartheid, a fascinating tapestry of human strum and drang.
Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. Women loved him, man. I didn't see that one coming.
Let me ask you a question, and be honest. [activates a rotating bed and music; startling Vanessa] Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah!
God, I hope this is part of the unfreezing process. [Austin attempts to pull her to a rotating bed] Ow!!! [turns off the music and rotating bed] Mr. Powers! I will never have sex with you, ever. If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depends on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.
What's your point, Vanessa?
[Vanessa rolls her eyes and sits down, before Austin turns back on and continues rotating his bed and music]
Hello, Mummy?
Oh, hello, Vanessa. And how's Austin?
He's asleep.
You didn't.
No! I made him sleep on the sofa.
Vanessa, I'm proud of you.
Why?
Because you've managed to resist Austin Powers' charms.
Oh, well, God knows he tried, Mummy. I actually had to end up being rather firm with him. What about his teeth? It's really bizarre.
Darling, you have to understand, in Britain in the '60s, you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth. It didn't matter.
Did you ever?
Me? No, of course not. I was married to your father.
Did you ever want to?
Austin is very charming, very debonair. He's handsome, witty, has a knowledge of fine wines. Women want him, and men want to be him. Every bit an international man of mystery.
Yeah, well, you didn't answer my question, Mummy.
I know. Let me just say this: Austin was the most loyal and...caring friend I ever had. I will always love him.
Always wanting to have fun, Austin. That's you in a nutshell.
No, this is me in a nutshell. [acts as if he were in a nutshell] "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this nutshell? Look at the size of this bloody great big nutshell. What sort of shell has a nut like this? This is crazy." [Vanessa cracks up laughing] You're smashed.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not. I'm the sensible one. I'm always the designated driver. [after a moment of silence] Oh, kiss me.
I can't, darling.
Why not?
'Cause you're drunk. It's not right.
No, I'm not drunk. I'm just beginning to see what my Mummy was talking about all those years ago.
I can't. She was very groovy. Your dad loved her very much. If there was one other cat in this world that could have loved her and treated her as well as your dad, well, it was me. But unfortunately, for yours truly, that train has sailed.
Austin, can I have a word with you?
Of course you may, love.
Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about that Italian secretary. You know, Miss Fagina? I don't wanna sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.
No, don't be sorry, baby. You were right to be suspicious. I shagged her.
What?
I shagged her rotten, baby! Yeah!
I don't believe you, Austin! She was repellent!
Saucer of milk, table 2. [meows like a cat]
Did you use protection?
'Course. I had my 9-millimeter automatic.
You know I meant, did you use a condom?
Not in the 90s, Austin!
Well, they should, those filthy beggars. They go from port to port. [Vanessa huffily heads to bed] Vanessa, don't have a thrombo! Alotta meant nothing to me.
Well, it means something to me. Austin, if you want us to have a relationship, you have to get it into your head that times have changed! You can't just go off shagging anybody anymore, and if you could, I wouldn't, because I'm not like that!
You just don't get it, do you? Good night, Austin. Welcome to the 90s. You're going to be very lonely. [closes the doors]
Morning, Austin. You know, I sometimes forget you've missed out on the last 30 years. The fall of the Berlin Wall, first female British Prime Minister, end of apartheid.
Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him, man. I didn't see that one coming. No.
