Ali G quotes from Ali G Indahouse (2002)

View Quote [repeated line] Keep it real!

View Quote [everyone's angry in UN] You know why they're so worked up in there? It's because they haven't had their tea yet! Come on!

View Quote Respect!

View Quote Ali G: Jezzy, is you wearing green? I knew it - you is defected to the Iver Heath posse, innit? Come on, let's stab him!
Jezzy: No no, wait! My mum, yeah, she put my yellow top in the wash with my brother's blue football socks even though they ain't colourfast.
Ali G: Alright. But you can tell that slag, that in the ghetto, washing non-colourfast synthetics at 60 degrees could cost you your life!

View Quote David Carlton: Ali, have you ever considered becoming a member of Parliament?
Ali G: What me wanna do that for? It's full of pricks!
David Carlton: That's a little harsh. I'm an MP, am I a prick?
Ali G: (non-chalantly) Yes.

View Quote David Carlton: Tell me, Ali, do you have a job?
Ali G: Unfortunately, I is recently gone on the dole...
David Carlton: Really? When?
Ali G: Eight years and three months ago.
David Carlton: Says here you claim disability benefit, are you...?
Ali G: Yes, I is actually spasticated. I is got a terrible DJ-ing injury. I still ain't got full mobility in me main mixing finger.
(Starts to air-mix, winces, feigns pain and stops. Ali notices Carlton's sexy secretary watching, so he points at his crotch.)
Ali G: Everything down here's still working though... oh yes!

View Quote David Carlton: (Reading a speech Ali wrote) As of twelve o'clock all Rizlas will be free. To discourage their use, there will be a 25p-per-pound levy on panties. This will exclude thongs. Marijuana will be available on the NHS to treat chronic diseases such as itchy scrot. Furthermore, I am a bell-end...
Ali G: HAHAHAHAHA, HAHA!
David Carlton: Look, Prime Minister, I really can't be expected to...
Prime Minister: Go on now, David!
David Carlton: (reluctantly) I like to take it up the batty. Yes, I do. It feel very nice, and is me favourite. I used to be a girl and wear knicks. Honest. Ask my mum!

View Quote (Ali gets up from his seat and slowly walks down the aisle as all ministers argue)
Minister: Will the member for Staines return to his seat!?!
(the Prime Minister notices)
Prime Minister: What's he doing?
David Carlton: Uh, I don't know, Prime Minister.
(Ali walks up to the shouting minister and calmly puts his finger on his lips to shush him)
Ali G: Look at you all! All you ever do all day long is cuss each other! R-E-S-T-E-C-P. Do you have any idea what that spells?
Minister: Restecp?
Ali G: (confused) Yes. Restecp.
Prime Minister: Restecp?
Ali G: How can you all not be restecp-ing each other, when you doesn't restecp each other in here?
Minister: Sergeant, eject this gentleman!
Ali G: (hurriedly) You wanna know 'ow I make diz country bettah? Iz simple, two words: "Keep it real!"
Minister: (thinking quick) That's three words!
Ali G: Don't be a spannah — "It" ain't a real word — it's short for "innit", innit? Keep it real! Keep it real!
Minister: The member for Staines will be banned from the House!
Ali G: Is it because I is black?

View Quote (During a government speech)
Ali G: I put it to you that you sucked off an ‘orse.
Candidate: I did not, “suck off a horse”. I have already been over this with the Party Chairman — I was out, hunting, with a friend, and I slipped, and fell onto the end of a horse's phallus, which, owing to it being the mating season, was... aroused.

View Quote (all of Ali G's gang and his rival gang are forming a human chain outside Downing Street)
Ali G: Switch on the engine, pass it on!
Gang member: Switch on the engine, pass it on!
(all members whisper down the line to each other til it comes to the last member)
Final member: Bitch on the pension, suck my dong!
Driver: (confused) What? Should I turn the engine on?