.
Guard: Fit. (women smile awkwardly) Fit. Fit. Fit. Wait... (he checks this woman's passport) Back to Slovenia.
Minister
Will the member for Staines return to his seat!?!
Prime Minister
What's he doing?
David Carlton
Uh, I don't know, Prime Minister.
Ali G
Look at you all! All you ever do all day long is cuss each other! R-E-S-T-E-C-P. Do you have any idea what that spells?
Minister
Restecp?
Ali G
Yes. Restecp.
Prime Minister
Restecp?
Ali G
How can you all not be restecp-ing each other, when you doesn't restecp each other in here?
Minister
Sergeant, eject this gentleman!
Ali G
You wanna know 'ow I make diz country bettah? Iz simple, two words: "Keep it real!"
Minister
That's three words!
Ali G
Don't be a spannah — "It" ain't a real word — it's short for "innit", innit? Keep it real! Keep it real!
Minister
The member for Staines will be banned from the House!
Ali G
Is it because I is black?
Ali G
Switch on the engine, pass it on!
Switch on the engine, pass it on!
Bitch on the pension, suck my dong!
What? Should I turn the engine on?
Ali G
I put it to you that you sucked off an ‘orse.
I did not, “suck off a horse”. I have already been over this with the Party Chairman — I was out, hunting, with a friend, and I slipped, and fell onto the end of a horse's phallus, which, owing to it being the mating season, was... aroused.
Ali G
Jezzy, is you wearing green? I knew it - you is defected to the Iver Heath posse, innit? Come on, let's stab him!
No no, wait! My mum, yeah, she put my yellow top in the wash with my brother's blue football socks even though they ain't colourfast.
Ali G
Alright. But you can tell that slag, that in the ghetto, washing non-colourfast synthetics at 60 degrees could cost you your life!
David Carlton
As of twelve o'clock all Rizlas will be free. To discourage their use, there will be a 25p-per-pound levy on panties. This will exclude thongs. Marijuana will be available on the NHS to treat chronic diseases such as itchy scrot. Furthermore, I am a bell-end...
Ali G
HAHAHAHAHA, HAHA!
David Carlton
Look, Prime Minister, I really can't be expected to...
Prime Minister
Go on now, David!
David Carlton
I like to take it up the batty. Yes, I do. It feel very nice, and is me favourite. I used to be a girl and wear knicks. Honest. Ask my mum!
David Carlton
Ali, have you ever considered becoming a member of Parliament?
Ali G
What me wanna do that for? It's full of pricks!
David Carlton
That's a little harsh. I'm an MP, am I a prick?
Ali G
Yes.
David Carlton
Tell me, Ali, do you have a job?
Ali G
Unfortunately, I is recently gone on the dole...
David Carlton
Really? When?
Ali G
Eight years and three months ago.
David Carlton
Says here you claim disability benefit, are you...?
Ali G
Yes, I is actually spasticated. I is got a terrible DJ-ing injury. I still ain't got full mobility in me main mixing finger.
Ali G
Everything down here's still working though... oh yes!
David Carlton
This is a terrorist attack, shoot on sight!
Ali G
You know why they're so worked up in there? It's because they haven't had their tea yet! Come on!
Ali G
Keep it real!
David Carlton
You know, you are unbelievably stupid.
Prime Minister
Ali, come on, World War Three's breaking out, you need to do something!
David Carlton
I think we should "keep it real."
David Carlton
Now, I am going to shoot you!