General Aladeen quotes from The Dictator (2012)

General Aladeen

Why are you guys so anti-dictators? Imagine if America was a dictatorship. You could let 1% of the people have all the nation's wealth. You could help your rich friends get richer by cutting their taxes. And bailing them out when they gamble and lose. You could ignore the needs of the poor for health care and education. Your media would appear free, but would secretly be controlled by one person and his family. You could wiretap phones. You could torture foreign prisoners. You could have rigged elections. You could lie about why you go to war. You could fill your prisons with one particular racial group, and no one would complain. You could use the media to scare the people into supporting policies that are against their interests.

General Aladeen

Oh it's a girl. I'm so sorry. Where's the trashcan?

General Aladeen

Are you having a boy or an abortion?

General Aladeen

Hmm. It is too round on the top. It needs to be pointy. Round is not scary. Pointy is scary. This will put a smile on the faces of the enemy. They will think that it is a huge robot dildo flying toward them.

Nadal

No, Supreme Leader. The shape of the missile top has nothing to do with aerodynamics. It is about the payload delivery.

General Aladeen

No. It sticks in the ground, and then kaboom.

Nadal

Supreme Leader, I think perhaps some of your information about bombs is coming from cartoons.

General Aladeen

[theatrical version] Nonsense. I have been watching research films.
[extended version] Nonsense. They were research films. And in them the victims of the bomb would get very sooty faces and then a see-through version of themselves started rising up towards Heaven while playing a harp.

Nadal

In this film, just one question, was there a duck who, when the explosion is happens, his bill goes around to the back of his head, and then in order to talk, he has to put it back this way?

General Aladeen

There was somebody who suffered a deformity like that.

Nadal

I am now 100% sure that you are watching cartoons.

General Aladeen

Have you spoken to the experts about this? Have you consulted Professor Bobeye?

Nadal

Who?

General Aladeen

Professor Bobeye. The one with the incredibly strong forearms that are miss-sized for his body.

Nadal

The man you are discussing is called Popeye.

General Aladeen

Bobeye.

Nadal

He is not a professor. Popeye is, as the song tells us, a sailor man.

General Aladeen

Indulge me. For one second, pretend that I'm an idiot.

Nadal

Okay, I'm there.

General Aladeen

And explain to me how this bomb will not land in Israel and then literally bounce right back and blow up Wadiya.

Nadal

Supreme Leader, let me explain.

General Aladeen

You've lost me.

Nadal

This is the missile in Wadiya. You push the button. "Boop!" [he mimics the missile] Israel... [he mimics the explosion, then mimics people screaming] "No! Why! Aaah!" Nuclear winter.

General Aladeen

The reality is... [Aladeen does something similar, except he mimics the missile bouncing back] Oy vey! "Aah!" Us.

Nadal

Believe me, sir. If I could make the device a little more pointy, I would but I simply cannot.

General Aladeen

Okay. You know what? Let's agree to disagree, my friend.

Nadal

Nadal.

Nadal

What? Why?! No!

General Aladeen

You seem educated.

Zoey

Yes, I went to Amherst.

General Aladeen

I love it when women go to school. It's like seeing a monkey on rollerskates. It means nothing to them, but it's so adorable for us.

What is your name?

General Aladeen

Allison Burgers.

That's a made-up name. What's your real name?

General Aladeen

Ladis.

General Aladeen

Ladis what?

General Aladeen

Ladis Washurum.

So your name is like the sign "Ladies washroom"?

General Aladeen

Oh...

That's a made-up name. What is your name? I am interested. We are interested. [everyone in the restaurant starts looking at Aladeen]

General Aladeen

Emploice.

General Aladeen

Emploice what?

General Aladeen

Emploice... Muswashans.

That is a made-up name. What is your real name?

General Aladeen

Max.

General Aladeen

Max what?

General Aladeen

Imumoocupancyu one-hundred-and-twenty.

There's a number in the name? Who are you?! Aladeen's sympathizer?!

General Aladeen

I love being an Americans! America is number one! Oh, I am from U.S.A.! My father also from U.S.A. My great-grandfather fought in the American Civil Jihad. I am very proud to be an American, I am America's number one douche. [Speaking different language] I've fooled them. Job done.

Nadal

So, how are things back at the Palace?

General Aladeen

Fine, but guess who's still living in my guest house?

Nadal

Ooh, Bin Laden?

General Aladeen

Yes, Osama. Bin Laden flooding the bathroom every time he showers... And how hard is it to put a bath mat down, Bin Laden? [Both laugh] Hey, do you remember my favorite sports car?

Nadal

You mean your Porsche?

General Aladeen

Yes... the 911.

Nadal

Oh, Nine Eleven, it's the best.

General Aladeen

So I was driving my 911 near the palace one day... [Imitating crashing effect] and I totally crashed! [Both laugh] It's ok, I've already ordered a new one. A brand new 911 2012.

Nadal

You know, while you are here, you should try to see some of the sights... such as the Empire State Building... and Yankee Stadium.

General Aladeen

And I'd love to see the fireworks over the Statue of Liberty. [Imitating explosions; both laugh]

Nadal

Hey, have your old back problems been bothering you?

General Aladeen

Oh, it's been terrible! It got so bad that I made myself a back brace.

Nadal

Really?

General Aladeen

Yes, look, I'm still wearing it. [He reveals to wear something resembling an explosive vest) Hey, my English is getting good... ...I bet I can count down from five faster than you can!

Aladeen and Nadal

Five, four, three, two, one!

General Aladeen

I've discovered this amazing thing. I have to show you how to do it. It's called self juicing, You put your hand on your bilbul and you rub it, and then you can make your own labeneh come out. You don't have to spend any Rolexes. You don't have to give any dirty diamonds.

Nadal

I cannot believe I'm having this conversation with an adult man.

General Aladeen

What do you mean? You knew about this?

Nadal

Everybody knows about this. We all know about this from the age of 12, 13.

General Aladeen

Why does nobody ever tell me anything?

Nadal

Because you have everybody executed who tells you anything.

Nadal

Are you okay?

General Aladeen

My guy has a limp. I fell off me horse at the old Bull & Bush Pub because I'm a cockney.

Nadal

Listen, listen, okay? You need to focus up right now and be prepared to deliver a small, subtle performance.

General Aladeen

Okay, great, okay.

Nadal

Okay, good.

General Aladeen

Okay, so when we go to fly...

Nadal

Don't do that with your eyes! You can't be a Chinese person on this thing, okay?

General Aladeen

I'm not Chink, I'm Chinese-American!

Nadal

No, but you cannot hold your eyes! Nobody is going to think you're Chinese-American because you hold your eyes like that! It's racist, what you're doing!

General Aladeen

Do you know it's a fact that they cannot pronounce their R's? They pronounce them as L's. So instead you know what 'rabbit' is in Chinese?

Nadal

I don't know how to speak Chinese.

General Aladeen

It's 'labbit'.

Nadal

It's not 'labbit'!

General Aladeen

Yes! 'Who Shot Loger Labbit' was a huge hit in China!

Nadal

Nobody... It's stup... All right, I don't care! This is stupid, okay?

General Aladeen

Okay, I'll do Filipino. I like to work, I like to talk.

General Aladeen

I like the shit, I do the kids.

Nadal

Stop that! Your Filipino is the same as your Chinese!

General Aladeen

Now who's being a lacist? You're being lacist now!

Nadal

I'm not being racist! Right now, we have to get on this helicopter and we have to act like true Americans.

General Aladeen

I guess you don't want me to play black, then.

Nadal

Of course, I don't want you to play black.

General Aladeen

Okay, just throwing it out there.

Nadal

Okay. Don't.

Zoey

Oh my god! You lied to me... and you're wanted for war crimes!

General Aladeen

Please. That stuff never sticks.

General Aladeen

Are you okay, my love? What did you step on?

Zoey

Oh, yes! No, no. It's my people's tradition. We always smash a glass at weddings. I'm Jewish!

General Aladeen

What?

Zoey

Mazel tov! Are you okay?

General Aladeen

That's fine. I don't mind. It's great! Come here, my love.
[hugs her while signaling for her to be executed]