Billy Connolly movie quotes

View Quote Aye! We could tunnel our way in!

View Quote Oh there's a great idea! A one-pound bag of crazy, liftin' a 1200-pound bag of lazy!

View Quote Hey, does anyone know where we are? Eh, didn't think so!

View Quote An' how do ye plan t' fight yer way singlehanded t' Ravenhill?

View Quote [Appearing at the head of an army of dwarves] Good mornin'! How are we all? I have a wee proposition, if ye wouldn't mind giving me a few moments of yer time. Would you consider...JUST SODDING OFF?! All o' ye, right now!

View Quote What took ye so long?!

View Quote Merida: [after Young MacGuffin shoots and misses] I bet he wishes he was tossing cabers.
Fergus: Or holding up bridges...
[Elinor nudges Fergus scoldingly while he and Merida snicker]

View Quote Fergus: Oh, come on, now! Pretend I'm Merida, speak to me. What would you say?
Elinor: I can't do this!
Fergus: Sure, you can! [Elinor gives him a skeptical look] There, there! That's my queen! All right, here we go. [takes a deep breath and speaks in a shrilly voice, impersonating Merida] "I don't want to get married! I want to stay single and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through the glen, firing arrows into the sunset!" [smiles and nods. Elinor smiles and takes a deep breath.]
Elinor: Merida, all this work, all the time spent preparing you, schooling you, giving you everything we never had. I ask you, what do you expect us to do?
Merida: [in the royal stables; taking care of Angus and rehearsing her own speech] Call off the gathering! Would that kill them? You're the queen. You can just tell the lords, "The princess is not ready for this. In fact, she might not ever be ready for this, so that's that. Good day to you. We'll expect your declarations of war in the morning."
Elinor: I understand this must all seem unfair. Even I had reservations when I faced betrothal. [Fergus looks up in surprise] But we can't just run away from who we are.
Merida: I don't want my life to be over. I want my freedom!
Elinor: But are you willing to pay the price your freedom will cost?
Merida: I'm not doing any of this to hurt you.
Elinor: If you could just try to see what I do, I do out of love.
Merida: But it's my life, it's... I'm just not ready.
Elinor: I think you'd see if you could just...
Merida: I think I could make you understand if you would just...
Elinor: Listen.
Merida: Listen. [Angus whinnies at her] I swear, Angus, this isn't going to happen. [Angus touches her sympathetically and she pets him] Not if I have any say in it.

View Quote Elinor: Merida, a princess does not place her weapons on the table.
Merida: [moans] Mum, it's just my bow!
Elinor: A princess should not have weapons in my opinion.
Fergus: Leave her be! Princess or not, learning to fight is essential.
Merida: [removes her bow from the table] Mum, you'll never guess what I did today!
Elinor: [not really listening] Mmm-hmm?
Merida: I climbed up the Crone's Tooth and drank from the Fire Falls.
[Hamish, Hubert and Harris look at her in awe]
Fergus: The Fire Falls, eh? They say only the ancient kings were brave enough to drink the fire.
[Merida wrinkles her nose at Fergus and giggles]
Elinor: [looks up from the documents she's reading; to Merida] What did you do, dear?
Merida: [disappointed] Nothing, Mum.
Elinor: Hungry aren’t we.
Merida: Mum.

View Quote Ben: Watch your feet, you big oaf!
Lon: It wasn't me! It was the tree.

View Quote Kekata: These are not men like us, but strange beasts with bodies that shine like the sun, and weapons that spout fire and thunder. They prowl the earth like ravenous wolves, consuming everything in their path.
Ben: It can look like Ratcliffe's knickers, for all I care, just as long as we get off this stinkin' boat!
Ratcliffe: I'd help you to dig, boys, but I've got this crick in me spine.
Powhatan: [to Pocahontas] You must choose your own path.
Ratcliffe: They're not like you and me, which means they must be evil!!!

View Quote Governor Ratcliffe: Look at it, Wiggins. An entire New World chock full of gold, just waiting for me.
Wiggins: And scores of adventures waiting for us, right, Percy? Do you think we'll meet some savages?
Governor Ratcliffe: If we do, we shall be sure to give them a proper English greeting.
Wiggins: Oooh, gift baskets! [holds up a pair of gift baskets]
Governor Ratcliffe: [to himself] And he came so highly recommended.
[Ratcliffe opens the map, John enters.]
John Smith: It's perfect, Governor. The water's deep enough, we can pull right up to shore. [to Percy; ruffles his fur] Hey there, Percy.
[Percy growls softly]
Governor Ratcliffe: Very well, then. Give the order.
John Smith: Already done, sir. I've got a crew assembled and they're ready to go.
Governor Ratcliffe: About the natives, I'm counting on you to make sure those filthy heathens don't disrupt our mission.
John Smith: Well, if they're anything like the savages I've fought before, it's nothing I can't handle.
Governor Ratcliffe: Right. That'll be all, Smith, there's a good man.
John Smith: [ruffles Percy's fur again] See ya, Percy. [Percy growls; leaves]
Governor Ratcliffe: The men like Smith, don't they? [Percy growls again over Smith ruffling his fur] I've never been a popular man.
Wiggins: I like you.
Governor Ratcliffe: And don't think I don't know what those backstabbers at court say about me.
Wiggins: Oh yes, all that talk about you being a pathetic social climber who's failed at everything he's--
Governor Ratcliffe: I'm very well aware that this is my last chance for glory. But mark my words, Wiggins, when King James see the gold these peasants unearth success will be mine, at last.
[Outside; The boat drops to the water]
Ben: Wake up! Shake a leg!
Lon: It's incredible.
Thomas: And it's all ours. I've never seen anything like it.
Ben: It can look like Ratcliffe's knickers, for all I care, just as long as we get off this stinking boat.
John Smith: Come on, men, we didn't come all this way just to look at it.
[They row ashore as Pocahontas watches.]
Ben: Keep it taut, lads, keep it taut! Steady, steady.
Lon: Ah, that's far enough! All right now, tie her off.
Thomas: Here, John, tie up this end. John? John? What are you doing up there?
John Smith: Getting a better look. [Meeko bumps into him.] Hey! Well, you're a strange-looking fellow. You hungry? Here you go, it's a biscuit. It's food... Well, sort of. You like it, eh? Well, try eating it for four months straight. You got a friend back there? [Flit attacks him.] Hey, what, what, watch out! No... Get that... Look out!
Thomas: John! You better get down here! The Governor's coming ashore!
John Smith: All right, all right, I'm leaving.

View Quote [To Gonzo] It ain't no jokin' matter, hose-nose!

View Quote Beware running with scissors, or any other pointy objects!

View Quote Beware, lads, beware!

View Quote McSquizzy: That was just a warning, all right? Try it again, I'll be kicking your furry brown bahookie! [slaps his butt]

View Quote McSquizzy: Mess not with the Furry Tail Clan, protectors of the weak, crusaders of the righteous, guardians of the pine!

View Quote McSquizzy: Aww! Mr. Happy didn't go off!

View Quote When I whet my flashing sword, and my hand takes hold in judgment, I will take vengeance upon mine enemies, and I will repay those who haze me. Oh Lord, raise me to Thy right hand and count me among Thy saints.

View Quote And whosoever shed man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed, for in the image of God made He man. Destroy all that which is evil. So that which is good may flourish. And I shall count thee amoung my favoured sheep. And you shall have the protection of all the angels in heaven

View Quote The question is not how far. The question is do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith to go as far as needed?

View Quote Dargis: But that fat ball of fur could last for another 15 lives!

View Quote Smithee: There he is, gentlemen.
Cop: Come along. There's a good boy.
Dargis: It was the animals, you know. Plotting, planning, every one of them against me!
Smithee: I assume that will be all, sir.
Dargis: Smithee! He'll vouch for me! Smithee! [the cops drag Dargis off as Smithee waves goodbye]

View Quote [Dargis notices Liz in the tour group and takes an instant liking to her.]
Dargis: Hello. Welcome to Carlyle Castle, my dear.
Liz: Thank you. It's--it's beautiful.
Dargis: [refers to her dress] Well, that makes two of you. Did I mention how much I abhor fox hunting, unless, of course, in self-defense.
Liz: Bye.
[Liz tries to walk away, but Dargis walks up to her and puts his hand around her waist]
Dargis: If I may... Uh, one question, uh...?
Liz: Liz.
Dargis: Ah, the same as our own dear queen. [offers her a drink] Cordial? One question, Liz?
[Garfield walks past sadly and overhears Dargis talking to Liz.]
Garfield: Liz?
Dargis: What would you say if I were to donate one of my priceless oil paintings to your conservancy?
Liz: Um... Thank you?
Dargis: Mm! But how would you say it?
[Garfield doesn't like seeing Dargis flirting with his owner's girlfriend.]
Garfield: That royal sleaze is hitting on Liz.
Dargis: Perhaps you would consider dining with me at the castle tonight?