2nd most-quoted character in Saving Silverman (2001): in 15 of its 29 quotes
Most scenes with: J.D. (12), Judith (3), Darren (2)
Scenes with Wayne
15 scenes
Wayne J.D. is rapidly working his way up the ladder at Subway. Recently he was promoted to temporary second assistant manager in charge of training.
SM Subway Manager
Okay, McNugent, let's see what you got.
J.D. I've been working on them for weeks. I present the future of Subway. Bellston...three sizes of bevy are small, medium and what?
EB Employee Bellston
Big?
Like we practiced. You can do this. L....
EB Employee Bellston
Long!
Okay, we'll come back to you. This guy's my stinkiest student by far. Trimball, let's see your sub. No, no. Meat on the inside, bread outside. Okay, take it away. Take it away! Don't judge me on those two guys. This next guy's my protégé. He's top of his class, and for his thesis he made a party sub. Heston, where's the party sub? [Heston reveals the remaining third of the party sub, then belches]
Wayne Dude, you don't want a chick who'd **** a mime.
Yea, what does a mime even look like when it's having sex? It's probably like "Uhh..uhh... I'm a mime."
Wayne Dude, mimes don't talk.
They do when they're... off duty.
Wayne Hi. I'm Wayne.
Wayne No, you don't understand. I'm not hitting on you.
Wayne I just want to tell you about my buddy, Darren. He's smart, he's sensitive--
Wayne He'd make a great husband.
I don't want to meet him.
Wayne Great.... [goes back to Darren's table] Dude, she wants you. She thinks you're really cute.
Wayne Yeah, she's like "Oh, I'm so excited to meet him," and everything.
Wayne Totally! Get down there and make your move.
Wayne So Darren tells me you're a psychologist.
Wayne Interesting. I'm in a related field.
Wayne Pest and rodent removal.
Wayne We both help people. While you deal with their emotional and intellectual needs, I protect them from gophers, coons, roaches, silverfish...
Wayne Before Judith, our fun level was at an all time high. Ninety-three, it is now an eight. Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well. Girls... never very high at nine, but look now. TWO! This has obviously lead to increased whacking off!
Wayne But we're prepared to buy you off.
Wayne My house. Okay? Look. My grandma here? She was born in this house, is buried in the back yard. There's my mom, there's my dad and there's me... My dad was dropping me on my head. But we're willing to sign this over to you if you just agree not to see Darren.
I don't want your shitty house or your dead grandma.
Wayne I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but he's hung like a horse.
Brett I'll have a merlot.
Wayne We don't work here.
Brett You fooled me. My name's Brett, this is Clayton. This is Darren.
Wayne Yeah, we know who he is, Clayton.
Darren's our friend, Brett.
Wayne We knew him first.
**** you, replacement friend!
Wayne Eat this, fake Wayne!
[They fight Brett and Clayton]
Wayne She thinks this game is over.
Wayne But we are taking this into overtime!
Wayne Okay, strategy session. Okay, our enemy is wicked.
Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.
Wayne No, Damien.
Wayne No, she is the Emperor!
But with really great tits.
Wayne Okay, now, Sandy? That girl, she's a nice girl. She's a sweetheart.
Wayne A goddess.
Wayne You know what? She's kind of like Mother Teresa.
But with way better tits.
Wayne What happened?
Judith was giving me some therapy and helped me realize I was gay and--
Wayne Wait. What? I see what happened. She messed with your head.
Wayne No, you're not. You're just unsuccessful with women.
No, I'm gay. Judith got me in touch with the inner J.D.
Wayne How'd she do that?
She listened. Unlike people who knew me for years and ignored all the telltale signs.
Wayne Like what?
Like my obsession with Bette Midler. My preference for track lighting. And the fact that I like sucking dick.
Wayne What?! You've done that?!
No. Not with another guy, but remember when I bought that book on yoga?
Wayne I don't want to hear anymore. Look, you want to be gay? Fine! No problem! But from now on, I'll take care of Judith myself. Okay! [sits and reads a magazine]
You want to be gay with me?
Wayne No! [gets out of his chair and leaves]
Wayne Now here's what's gonna happen. I'm going to listen to your conversation. Now if you say anything about Judith... or so much as mention her name... then I'll give you a little shock. [tests a shock on Darren] Perfect.
Darren I don't think I'm comfortable having these things on my nipples.
Wayne I could put them on your balls.
The nipples are fine. Nipples work.
Wayne Dude!
Wayne Why didn't you answer the door?
Wayne So?
I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'.
Wayne Since when?
Wayne I never knew that.
Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay.
Wayne Is there anything else you wanna tell me?
Wayne Shut up! God!
Great! Where's the bathroom? I gotta take a dump.
Wayne We don't use the toilet anymore since we're cutting down on the water bill.
Wayne Well, we just use the lawn now.
Wayne Oh, God!
You pinch loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there.
Wayne Come on, Coach. We need your help. Jail life is real tough. They're...they're sodomizing us in here.
What?! They're corn-holing you? Oh, my God. That's horrible. Don't worry. I'll get you out.
You got sodomized? Who? I want to meet him.
Wayne Oh, here. We got you some clothes.
Wayne J.D.'s sister. She's a stripper.
ND Neil Diamond
You're the guys who send me all those letters and tapes... Naked pictures.
Wayne What? We never sent you any naked pictures.
Other characters in Saving Silverman
