[J.D. and Coach Norton looks Darren & Sandy and Wayne & Judith kissed.]
What about you? When are you gonna get hitched?
Actually, I'm not. I'm gay.
Me too.
Really?
J.D.
Ivan Jurcev · 20 quotes
Wayne
Devin Douglas Drewitz · 15 quotes
Judith
Amanda Peet · 8 quotes
Darren
Eli Ranger · 6 quotes
Coach Norton
4 quotes
Sandy
Amanda Detmer · 3 quotes
Mr. Chang
1 quote
Most scenes together: J.D. & Wayne (12), J.D. & Judith (3), J.D. & Coach Norton (3)
Saving Silverman quotes
Page 1 of 2
Brett I'll have a merlot.
Clayton
A spritzer.
We don't work here.
Brett You fooled me. My name's Brett, this is Clayton. This is Darren.
Yeah, we know who he is, Clayton.
Darren's our friend, Brett.
We knew him first.
**** you, replacement friend!
Eat this, fake Wayne!
[They fight Brett and Clayton]
Great! Where's the bathroom? I gotta take a dump.
We don't use the toilet anymore since we're cutting down on the water bill.
What do you do?
Well, we just use the lawn now.
Smart thinking.
Oh, God!
You pinch loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there.
I can't figure out why Judith left. It doesn't make any sense. She didn't even take her clothes.
Maybe she went where she didn't need clothes: a nudist colony.
I don't think so.
Maybe she got kidnapped.
You think?
No. Definitely not. That's impossible. It's like, why would that happen...in a...world? Maybe she's a lesbo.
Come on.
Maybe she's a herm.
What?
A hermaphrodite. Little dick, little puss.
Yeah, everything's been really good, you know?
Yeah.
Well, my fiancée died.
She died?
Yeah, she's dead.
I am so sorry.
Oh, don't be. Please don't be sorry. It's nothing.
Yep. Sandy, remember me? J.D. McNugent? I went to the prom with a tuxedo painted on my naked body.
Oh, I guess I missed it.
I spilled a drink and the paint ran and everyone could see my dong.
It doesn't ring a bell.
Oh! Remember, that time in science class, I was lighting farts with the Bunsen burner and I singed my ball sack?
No.
Man. I still can't grow hair on my left nut. It sucks.
Have you ever had a girlfriend?
Yes... No.
Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?
Which man?
Any man.
You mean, like, a tall man?
Sure, whatever.
I don't like tall people.
How about a short man?
How short? Sometimes people can be too short. That's weird, like midgets.
Have you fantasized about having sex with any man? Any man at all?
Does that include celebrities?
Okay, fine. No more sex.
What?
You're not allowed to go down on me for one month.
No, Judith, please--
Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges.
That was really great.
Thanks. That got me pretty excited.
That's nice.
I mean, I wouldn't mind if someone did that to me.
Oh, I get it. You want me to go down on you. I would love to, but I can't. I have very, very sensitive gums.
You have gums-- It's a medical condition. I wouldn't want to cause you any pain, baby. No.
You must be very well-educated.
Ivy League?
More or less.
Which one? Yale, Harvard, Princeton?
S.U.
Oh, Stanford University?
Subway University.
I knew someone who went there. Did you know J.D. McNugent?
No. No. Never heard of such a person, ever.
See you later, J.D.
[about to leave the garage]
Take it easy, Judith. [stops, and thinks for a minute] Goddamn it! [closes the door]
Neil Diamond
You're the guys who send me all those letters and tapes... Naked pictures.
What? We never sent you any naked pictures.
Dude... Sorry.
Before Judith, our fun level was at an all time high. Ninety-three, it is now an eight. Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well. Girls... never very high at nine, but look now. TWO! This has obviously lead to increased whacking off!
I'm chafing.
But we're prepared to buy you off.
With what?
My house. Okay? Look. My grandma here? She was born in this house, is buried in the back yard. There's my mom, there's my dad and there's me... My dad was dropping me on my head. But we're willing to sign this over to you if you just agree not to see Darren.
I don't want your shitty house or your dead grandma.
I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but he's hung like a horse.
It's true.
Come on, Coach. We need your help. Jail life is real tough. They're...they're sodomizing us in here.
What?! They're corn-holing you? Oh, my God. That's horrible. Don't worry. I'll get you out.
You got sodomized? Who? I want to meet him.
Dude!
Dude, you got a boner?
Why didn't you answer the door?
I'm eatin'.
So?
I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'.
Since when?
Since always.
I never knew that.
Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay.
Is there anything else you wanna tell me?
I got three balls.
Shut up! God!
Dude. Dude!