Dude, you don't want a chick who'd **** a mime.
Yea, what does a mime even look like when it's having sex? It's probably like "Uhh..uhh... I'm a mime."
Dude, mimes don't talk.
They do when they're... off duty.
J.D.
Ivan Jurcev · 20 quotes
Wayne
Devin Douglas Drewitz · 15 quotes
Judith
Amanda Peet · 8 quotes
Darren
Eli Ranger · 6 quotes
Coach Norton
4 quotes
Sandy
Amanda Detmer · 3 quotes
Mr. Chang
1 quote
Most scenes together: J.D. & Wayne (12), J.D. & Judith (3), J.D. & Coach Norton (3)
Saving Silverman quotes
Page 2 of 2Hi. I'm Wayne.
No.
No, you don't understand. I'm not hitting on you.
Back off.
I just want to tell you about my buddy, Darren. He's smart, he's sensitive--
I don't care.
He'd make a great husband.
I don't want to meet him.
Great.... [goes back to Darren's table] Dude, she wants you. She thinks you're really cute.
Really?
Yeah, she's like "Oh, I'm so excited to meet him," and everything.
Are you sure?
Totally! Get down there and make your move.
J.D. is rapidly working his way up the ladder at Subway. Recently he was promoted to temporary second assistant manager in charge of training.
Subway Manager
Okay, McNugent, let's see what you got.
J.D. I've been working on them for weeks. I present the future of Subway. Bellston...three sizes of bevy are small, medium and what?
Employee Bellston
Big?
Like we practiced. You can do this. L....
Employee Bellston
Long!
Okay, we'll come back to you. This guy's my stinkiest student by far. Trimball, let's see your sub. No, no. Meat on the inside, bread outside. Okay, take it away. Take it away! Don't judge me on those two guys. This next guy's my protégé. He's top of his class, and for his thesis he made a party sub. Heston, where's the party sub? [Heston reveals the remaining third of the party sub, then belches]
Now here's what's gonna happen. I'm going to listen to your conversation. Now if you say anything about Judith... or so much as mention her name... then I'll give you a little shock. [tests a shock on Darren] Perfect.
Darren I don't think I'm comfortable having these things on my nipples.
I could put them on your balls.
The nipples are fine. Nipples work.
Oh, here. We got you some clothes.
Where did you get these?
J.D.'s sister. She's a stripper.
And a hooker.
She thinks this game is over.
It's not over. No!
But we are taking this into overtime!
Comanayeha!
Okay, strategy session. Okay, our enemy is wicked.
Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.
No, Damien.
Dude, she's Vader.
No, she is the Emperor!
But with really great tits.
Okay, now, Sandy? That girl, she's a nice girl. She's a sweetheart.
Dude, a saint.
A goddess.
A princess.
You know what? She's kind of like Mother Teresa.
But with way better tits.
So Darren tells me you're a psychologist.
That's right.
Interesting. I'm in a related field.
Really? What's that?
Pest and rodent removal.
How is that related?
We both help people. While you deal with their emotional and intellectual needs, I protect them from gophers, coons, roaches, silverfish...
What happened?
Judith was giving me some therapy and helped me realize I was gay and--
Wait. What? I see what happened. She messed with your head.
Wayne, I'm gay.
No, you're not. You're just unsuccessful with women.
No, I'm gay. Judith got me in touch with the inner J.D.
How'd she do that?
She listened. Unlike people who knew me for years and ignored all the telltale signs.
Like what?
Like my obsession with Bette Midler. My preference for track lighting. And the fact that I like sucking dick.
What?! You've done that?!
No. Not with another guy, but remember when I bought that book on yoga?
I don't want to hear anymore. Look, you want to be gay? Fine! No problem! But from now on, I'll take care of Judith myself. Okay! [sits and reads a magazine]
You want to be gay with me?
No! [gets out of his chair and leaves]
[arm wrestling with Wayne]
You've got quite a grip. You must be a heavy masturbator. My guess is three times a day? I bet you're a premature ejaculator. You start off with a big bang. Before you know it, you're limp. [wins the match] I win, you lose. Now get out.
And a beer bong for the lady?
Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho.
I brought you some more videos. You got your choice: porn or monster trucks. And I got one that's both.
There's no fight left in you boys. You're nutless. You been pussified.
Tonight Mr. Chang gets lucky. Young lady, so horny, so impatient...Oh, scrotum!