No, you don't understand! That wasn't my ball!
[shocked]
What do you mean, that wasn't your ball?
It was my stepdad's. I stole it from his trophy room. It was a present or something. Somebody gave it to him, but we gotta get it back. He's gonna kill me!
Listen to me, Smalls. This is a matter of life and death. Where did your old man get that ball?
What? I don't know. Some lady gave it to him. Why? [the Sandlot kids are confused] Yeah, she even signed her name on it. Some lady named... Ruth. Baby Ruth.
EE Everyone else
BABE RUTH??!!
[Everyone screams in horror and darts toward the fence]
NO!!!
[Everyone rushes back to Smalls screaming after seeing the ball getting taken by The Beast.]
Hey, guys! What's going on?
You're dead as a doornail, Smalls.
You're dead as a doornail, Smalls.
Smalls, you mean to tell me you went home and swiped a ball that was signed by Babe Ruth, and you brought it out here and actually played with it?!
And actually played with it?!
Yeah. Yeah, but I was gonna bring it back.
But it was signed by Babe Ruth!
Yeah. Yeah. You keep telling me that! Who is she?!
[emphatically]
The Great Bambino!
[in shock and horror]
Oh, my God! You mean that's the same guy?!
Smalls, Babe Ruth was the greatest baseball player that ever lived. I mean, people said he was less than a god, but more than a man. Like, Hercules, or something. That ball you just aced to The Beast is worth...well, more than your whole life, man.
[nauseated]
Ohh... I don't feel so good. [collapses to his knees as he's almost about to throw up]
Uh-oh, fan him. Give him air. Give him air. [ they start fanning Smalls to cool him down]
We gotta get that ball back.
[A snooty rival baseball team called the Tigers, whom the Sandlot kids are enemies with arrive in their uniforms and bicycles.]
Ah, it's easy when you play with a bunch of rejects and a fat kid, Rodriguez.
Shut your mouth, Phillips!
What'd you say, crap-face?!
I said, you shouldn't be even allowed to touch a baseball. Except for Rodriguez, you're all an insult to the game.
Come on! We'll take you on, right here, right now! Come on!
We play on a real diamond, Porter. You ain't good enough to lick the dirt off our cleats.
You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek!
You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam!
You bob for apples in the toilet! And you like it!
You play ball like a girl!
[the Sandlot kids gasp as the entire group stands in shocked silence; the Sandlot kids start laughing] [shocked smile]
What did you say?
Tomorrow. Noon, at our field. Be there, buffalo-butt breath.
Count on it, pee-drinking crap-face!
[the Tigers ride away, and the Sandlot kids cheer for Ham] [to Ham; pats his arm]
Good job.
[about the Tigers]
Jerks. [scene fades to Ham putting on Umpire mask] PLAY BALL! [puts on umpire mask] Hurry up, batter. It's gonna be a short game, and I gotta get home for lunch. [Pitcher pitches and the batter doesn't even swing] Ha-ha! That's one. [scene cuts to new pitch] [to the batter] You know, if my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt, and tell him to walk backwards. [scene cuts to new pitch] The heater. Here it comes. I dare ya. [Ham puts the batter off, he swings and misses] Strike three, you're out. [scene cuts to new pitch] Hey. Is that your sister out there in left field, naked? She's naked.
[gets distracted and misses]
Shut up, Porter!
Hey, hey, hey. I'm just trying to start a friendly conversation. Come on. [two seconds later] Think she'll go out with me?
[talking about Smalls]
Come on, Benny man. The kid is an L-7 weenie!
Yeah yeah, Oscar Meyer even, foot-long Dodger Dog! A weenie!
What are you talking about, Yeah-Yeah? You run like a duck!
Then how come he don't get to be?
Yeah, man, he ain't game.
[shaking his head]
Man, base up you blockheads.
Mr. Mertle [Mr. Mertle confronting Benny and Smalls after they brought back Hercules]
Well, first time anybody’s gotten the best of old Hercules. Why didn't you just knock on the door? I'd have gotten it for ya.
[the gang attacks and yells at Squints]
Squints!
Oh, my God! I can't believe you!
We got the ball back, didn't we?
But we almost got killed!
Didn't we get the ball back? [pushes the others] Just shut up! We got the ball back.
Wendy [Squints has just kissed Wendy while she was giving him CPR] [offended]
Ugh! You little pervert!
Oh, man, he's in deep shit.
Wendy [Squints is taken to his feet and is escorted out of the pool by Wendy with his friends following him.]
And stay out! [Storms back to the pool]
[Once out of the pool, another lifeguard throws the Sandlot Kids' clothes out of the pool. Once away Ham and the boys are getting dressed, while Wendy returns to her post as a lifeguard clearly offended by Squints.]
Oh, here's your glasses. Did you plan that?
Of course I did. I've been plannin' it for years.
You guys, he planned that! He knew what he was doing!
[adult voiceover]
Michael "Squints" Palledorous walked a little taller that day and we had to tip our hats to him. He was lucky she hadn't beat the crap out of him. We wouldn't have blamed her. What he'd done was sneaky, rotten, and low...and cool. Not another one among us would have ever, in 1,000,000 years, even for $1,000,000, had the guts to put the move on the lifeguard. He did. He had kissed a woman. And he had kissed her long and good. We got banned from the pool forever that day. But every time we walked by after that, the lifeguard looked down from her tower, right over to Squints, and smiled.
