Producers, The (2005) quotes

View Quote Roger De Bris: [wearing a dress] I am going to the choreographers' ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume.
Carmen Ghia: We always win.
Roger De Bris: I am not so sure about this year. I am supposed to be the Grand Dutchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building.

View Quote Roger De Bris: This crazy Kraut is crackers! He crashed in here and crassly tried to kill us!
Carmen Ghia: Oh, Roger, what alliteration
Roger De Bris: Thank you, darling.

View Quote Max: Listen Roger, did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris: Read it? I devoured it! It's loaded with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.
Max: Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?
Roger De Bris: Do it? Of course not.
[Music starts]
Roger De Bris: [sung] The theatre's so obsessed
With dramas so depressed
It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway
Shows should be more pretty
Shows should be more witty
Shows should be more...
Roger De Bris: [spoken] What's the word?
Leo: Gay?
Roger De Bris: Exactly!

View Quote Roger, We're not alone...

View Quote Franz: The punishment for breaking the Zigfried Oaths is dess.
Max: Dess? Is that anything like 'Death'?
Franz: Yeth!

View Quote Max: Do you know who I am?
Leo: You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY!
Max: No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!

View Quote Leo: [Screams hysterically]
[Max runs over and splashes Leo with a glass of water]
Leo: I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M HYSTERICAL AND I'M WET!
[Max slaps Leo]
Leo: [Pauses] I'M IN PAIN! I'M WET AND IN PAIN! AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL [Babbles]
Max: What can I do? You're making me hysterical
Leo: Get away, you're too close, you frighten me!
Max: I frighten you?!
Leo: Get down over there, sit over there!
Max: I'm sitting! I'm sitting!
Leo: [Flinches] You still look angry!
Max: I'm sorry, is this better? [Grins goofily] [In Childish, patronising voice] Who's my little accountant? Who's my little accountant? Are you my little accountant? Yes you are!
Leo: [Now calm] Thank you for smiling, that helped a great deal!

View Quote [to Ulla] Even though we're sitting down, Mr Bloom and I are giving you a standing ovation.

View Quote Hold-Me Touch-Me: I made it out just like you told me to: To the title of the play. "Cash". It's a funny sort of name for a play, "Cash"...
Max: So is "The Iceman Cometh."

View Quote [Hysterical, as Bialystock is standing over him] You're gonna jump on me! You're gonna jump on me! I know you are, you're gonna jump on me and squash me like a bug!

View Quote Zis is no good! I'm not killing anyone!

View Quote [Whispered at the end of the credits] Buy Mein Kampf in paperback at Borders Bookstores... or Barnes and Noble... or online at amazon.com

View Quote [with a very high Irish accent] I'm going to get out of here before me voice gets any higher! As we say in the old country... [normal voice] TAXI!

View Quote That is not how you sing Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band! This is how you sing Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band!

View Quote Max: The two cardinal rules of producing. One: Never put your own money in the show.
Leo: And two?
Max: [yelling] Never put your own money in the show!