You know what we should invest in? An old age home for hippies. Cause, think about it, hippies have been around since the '60s, man, and now there isn't really a hip place for them to go anymore. So, you know, it would be a home where they could smoke all the dope they'd want and listen to all the music they want, you know.
Cheech Oh yeah, we could call it "Laidback Manor".
HH Howie Hamburger Dude
Would you like to have a hamburger?
SS Sgt. Stedenko
The only way to catch a doper is when you yourself become a smoker. The surest way to make them bleed is when you bust their ass and steal their weed.
Cheech [talking to his plants]
Oh, good morning, my darling. Oh, your buds are getting so big. Soon, you'll need a training bra.
Hey, how much money do we have now?
Cheech All together?
Cheech Let's see, mmm, uh, oh man! We have $17,000,000!
Cheech Oh, wait, well, um, 17, something. Who cares? We're rich, man.
SS Sgt. Stedenko
You know we cannot trust our own instincts, now I want you send this down to the analyzer and have it labbed. I'll take care of it.
SS Sgt. Stedenko
[talking to a lizard]
You... have beautiful eyes. Yes you do...
Cheech Man, I can't believe you. Every time you do coke, this shit happens.
Hey, wait a minute, man. How come every time I do coke, you say that "every time you do coke" thing?
Cheech Yeah, real funny, man... so funny I forgot to laugh...
Man, Sherlock Holmes does coke!
Cheech Hey, scratch my balls, man... anybody scratch my balls!
Will you sell me some of that stuff, man?
HH Howie Hamburger Dude
I sell sea shells.
HH Howie Hamburger Dude
You're the guy from the hamburger train, right? Yeah, the hambur-
[sniffs]
TL Timothy Leary
You want the key?
Cheech Hey, please, Doc. Get me outta here. Let me be free. I just want the key, okay?
TL Timothy Leary
You're sure you want to be free?
Cheech Yeah! Yeah! I want to be free. Just give me the key, okay? Please.
TL Timothy Leary
Come here. Stick out your tongue.
Cheech What?
TL Timothy Leary
Stick out your tongue. [puts a cube on Cheech's tongue] There's the key.
Cheech This is not the key. I want the key.
TL Timothy Leary
That's the key to the universe.
You know what I think we should invest in, man?
Cheech What?
A rest home for old hippies.
Cheech Yeah?
Cause, man, you know, like, hippies have been around since the 60's man.
Cheech Yeah.
You know, and there really isn't like a hip place for 'em to go when they get real old, you know.
Cheech Yeah.
You know, how I see it, you know, it's like a regular rest home except you have all the dope you can smoke, you know, for these old people. They'd listen to all the music they want, you know.
Cheech Like we could call it: Laid Back Manor.
Cheech That'd be heavy.
Because, you know, I mean, like, what do people do when they get old? You know, they usually keep them stoned, laid-back.
You know what I wanna do when I die, man?
Cheech What?
I'm gonna get cremated, man.
Cheech Yeah?
Yeah. Then I wanna get my ashes put in a baggie, you know.
Cheech Yeah?
Then I'm gonna have all my friends - we'll have a party and then everybody will smoke me. Mix it with some good shit, you know.
Cheech Remind me not to be one of your friends when you die.
Hey, man, that dude looked kinda straight to be buying dope.
Cheech Hey, man, don't worry about it. I checked him out myself, man. He ain't a cop. I can smell cops a mile away, man. They smell like coffee and doughnuts.
Cheech We're rich. Hey, let's buy a villa in Costa Rica. That'd be great. We could just...
I'm gonna get some more guitars.
Cheech Yeah?
Yeah, I wanna get a Fender. No, I don't like Fenders, man. No, I'll get one anyway.
Cheech Let's get one of those big, white houses, man. You know, like, with a veranda, you know. With a porch. We'd be sitting out there sipping pina colonics, man.
Cheech Yeah.
Cheech You know, they make them in a blender, man. You know.
Cheech Yeah. We'd have topless ladies, man. Maybe we'll make ourselves sun kings. You know, buy a little island. We'll put two little chairs on a little hill, and every day at noon we'll go up there and all the natives will bow down to us and we'll throw them joints, you know. I like to help the little people, man. Like, that's important in life.
Cheech Those are the ugliest chicks I ever saw in my life.
No kidding, man. But if they're so ugly, how come you were hitting on them?
Cheech I wasn't hitting on them, man.
Well, that part about asking them if they were models, man.
Cheech I was trying to be nice, man.
Models for Kal-Can dog food.
